Black Lives Matter

I was going to write a post about being entirely disgusted to find myself cited by the infamous Ann Coulter in her 2009 book Guilty: the blah blah I hate liberals they are ruining the world book to make me money crap fest.

She wrote and released this book when I was in the worst of the throws of my Lupus diagnosis. You know, having strokes, losing organs, being hospitalized and having multiple surgeries. So she’ll have to excuse me that it didn’t come to my attention until now that I’m in her piece of trash.

Apparently she’s trying to make the case liberals were freaking out over a Barack Obama presidency and if he’d be killed. She thought we were blaming the right-wing nut jobs for targeting him (to be clear, I blame some of them for stirring the pot) and she attempts, rather poorly, to point out that it’s been nothing but liberals shooting up the country and killing people.

Let me make something very clear here…it’s been white males engaging in mass shootings for various reasons that everyone likes to call ‘mental illness.’ I will agree if you want to shoot up or have shot up anyone or anywhere you have mental issues. Something we need to tackle. But to be perfectly clear to Ms. Coulter and everyone else…Black males have a target on their back and it’s simply for being who they are. Black CHILDREN have targets on their backs for walking, driving, talking, BREATHING while BLACK. And when they sell cigarettes illegally or they allegedly steal a pack of cigars they are vilified that they deserved what they got. I had no idea these allegations brought about the death penalty without charges or a judge or a jury.

But, here is where the facts comes in. And I want you to USE these facts: Black males are 21 more times likely than their white counter parts to be KILLED by police. Just for being darker than a ‘mentally ill’ white boy.

They don’t get the benefit of the doubt of being ‘mentally ill.’ No. They are killed. Murdered. Snuffed out. Because, apparently, Black males can’t be mentally ill or be taken into custody with a baton, a taser, pepper spray, with back up help…no. No. Instead they are perceived as dangerous and a threat and shot and killed or choked until they could no longer breathe. Or simply walking around with a toy.

So my column, of which Coulter pilfered and called me insane for writing, stands even more true today than it did in 2007. Our President, just by his Blackness, has brought out the racists in this country and he has lead phenomenally under circumstances that are beyond insane.

12-year old African-American boys aren’t even given more than TWO SECONDS to react when they play with their toy guns in a park before being gunned down by cops. That is how much we are taught to believe everyone with skin darker than ours is a threat that must be eliminated and given zero benefit of the doubt. EVEN THE CHILDREN.

I will tell you right now, my son could play with every nerf gun, fake AK-47, and real looking toy gun with the orange tip scraped off on EARTH in our nearby park and no one would bat an eyelash. But you give that to a Black child and the cops don’t even HESITATE to shoot him on sight. They didn’t even HESITATE. Two seconds. TWO SECONDS.

The lack of indictment in the cases of Eric Garner and Michael Brown are further proof of my original assessment…that it would take a sacrifice of the First Family to stand strong in the WHITE House as the scum from under the rocks of America came and continue to come crawling out to finally proclaim in broad daylight they have issues with race. They have issues with an ‘other’ leading our country. They can’t even manage to leave the First daughters out of their sheer hatred and contempt for our President and call them classless and bar sluts. When these girls have been nothing but the epitome of amazing, good, classy tweens and teens.

Yes, our country has become divided – they can’t even handle the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter. They have to protest .. but…but … #ALLLivesMatter.

No shit. But you don’t hijack a hashtag where people are bearing their souls and jump in with this ‘ALL’ bull crap. We know ALL lives matter but this IS NOT ABOUT YOU. This is, specifically, about Black Lives. As I saw on twitter…would you hijack a cancer hashtag and say ‘but..but.. LUPUS matters too!’ No, you wouldn’t.

So sit down and shut up and finally LISTEN to these amazing members of our community who are SCREAMING for you to hear them. SCREAMING for you to walk a mile.

Once you have taken your time to sit and listen, then you need to take the time to stand up to the subtle and not so subtle racism you’ve been around your entire life. And you know exactly what I am talking about, so don’t even act like you don’t.

That uncle of yours that calls our President a ‘coon’ or a ‘porch monkey’ or the n-word if he’s just a total dickhead. That cousin who discusses how great cops are (which, many many are) and how they have to deal with these ‘savages‘ and ‘animals‘ – when their white ‘savages’ and ‘animals’ seem to get away with the same behavior when their favorite sports team wins a championship. Really? REALLY? You are telling me your sports team is more important and this behavior is ok so long as you win a game? But NOT when people DIE?

CALL THEM OUT. The time is now.

Do you hear me? Silence = agreement. People are DYING. Children are DYING. The time for you to sit on your hands and say nothing of the ‘sake of the family’ or to keep the ‘peace at church’ or ‘I don’t want to upset my grandpa’ is OVER.

The civil rights era has begun, again. Not that it ever really ended. I think we just swept it under the rug for awhile, despite our friends of color telling us otherwise.

Stand up. Be counted. Do NOT be afraid and do NOT allow ANYONE to get away with the usual crap that goes on over the holidays.

Give them facts. Give them stats. Let them know we will NOT tolerate this another second. Another minute. NOT another day and NOT another life.

We’ve watched schools be shot up, neighborhoods be war zones, and those in authority waltzing in like they own the place and forcing people of color to keep their heads down and say ‘no sir’ and ‘yes sir.’ Might as well be ‘no masser’ and ‘yes masser’ – because that is what it amounts to.
Go ahead and let your Mom blame you for ruining Christmas dinner. It’s that or let another Black person die.

Your choice. 

I Believe

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I don’t want to talk about Michael Brown.

I don’t want to talk about Trayvon Martin.

I don’t want to talk about Tamir Rice.

I don’t want to talk about Jordan Davis.

I don’t want to talk about Timothy Stansbury Jr.

I don’t want to talk about John Crawford.

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I could go on…but I don’t want to.

We can argue all day and night. We will not get anywhere. Jury’s. Indictments, non-indictments. Trials, no trials. Armed, unarmed. Fearing for lives, just living their lives.

No one believes all cops are bad. There are members of law enforcement I respect and love with all my heart. I appreciate their work.

No one believes all white people are racist. There are allies who are working hard and listening.

No one believes all protestors are looters and out to destroy. We watched for 109 days your civil disobedience where little to nothing was damaged and non-violent marches and vigils took place.

With all of the things we all know no one believes…I have one question:

Why does no one believe Black America?

It doesn’t seem to matter if there are statistics to back up their pain.

It doesn’t seem to matter if there are facts and studies and numbers to give the rest of us something solid to hold on to instead of just emotions.

It doesn’t seem to matter if they ask nicely or scream loudly or speak from the highest office in the land. As the President of the United States said, “But what is also true is that there are still problems and communities of color aren’t just making these problems up.”

Why? Why does no one believe Black America? The PRESIDENT has to remind us communities of color aren’t just making these problems up. Why on earth do we think they are? Why would we QUESTION their life experiences??? Who are we to say what they live every day is somehow, not true? Why.don’t.you.believe.them?

If there is any hope for any of us, if there is any chance to heal decades of pain, to right wrongs, to have the slightest bit of empathy for our fellow man…we need to believe.

We need to believe when they tell us they hurt.

We need to believe when they tell us their truths.

We need to believe when they tell us their lives are not like ours.

We need to believe when they ask us to listen and learn.

We need to believe in our friends, our neighbors, our family, our community as they write, speak, sing, scream, march, and plead for us to HEAR THEM.

I hear them. I believe them.

Do you?

No Fight at MY Fridge


I’m not going to lie, this family, sometimes, has (!gasp!) fast food for dinner. We allow our children to have pop (you crazy people call it soda) while at a theme park and occasionally at home or elsewhere if the situation warrants – we love pop for belly aches, or to wake up sleepy kids who were up late gaming (another no-no) because they like the flavor or because Mom or Dad has one sitting on the table and they want a sip of something. We even, now sit down when I tell you this, feed our children junk food, sugary cereal, sports drinks filled with sugar! I could go on and on and on. Fingers would be pointed. You’re already judging me… I know you are. Here’s the thing – we don’t care. The kids are healthy, happy, and know these are treats. Heck, sometimes even their pediatrician says to give them some of these things because my kids are skinny and could use a little extra. IMG_6531.JPG Yes, I realize I’m lucky. Obesity is not a problem for my kids’, but I attribute this not just to their good metabolism, but to our reasonable food and drink expectations. Sometimes it’s really ok to say ‘Yes.’ Just like the First Lady will tell you she allows cake and candy, she pushes veggies and water. For the most part – 75% of the time – our kids eat and drink appropriately and within the guidelines you see coming from most doctors and officials. However, that other 25% we are just fine with junk food night. Just fine with those drinks, so long as it doesn’t mess up bedtime. If you say ‘No’ to all of it, they are going to see it as some taboo, rebellious act simply to eat what is advertised. No one wants that. Kids absolutely love to do all the things we as parents want them NOT to do. I’m certainly not going to make food and drink a battlefield when there are so many more important wars to be fought from drugs to sex to education. You want a Friday night of nothing but licorice, soda, & lollipops… with a side of pizza, burgers, and fries? No problem. We’ll even make a celebration of it because it can be so much fun. The next day they are back to drinking water and eating all of their broccoli with the fish Dad grilled. Kids in pjs Food and drink have become political due to the very serious problems we have as a nation finding balance and moderation. As a Mom, I hope I’m sticking that balance early and with some silly fun… because sometimes it really is only food and drink and it really only is silly fun, not a war to be won.

How do you keep your kids healthy yet not make this issue a fight at the fridge? I’d love to hear you tips and tricks… Leave a comment below and you’ll be entered for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card!

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An Attack on Valerie Jarrett is an Attack on ALL Women

You might have missed my twitter rant over the weekend. I had officially HAD IT with the attacks on Senior White House Advisor Valerie jarred and I basically LOST IT via a TweetRage:

And that is exactly what is going on here. Politico publishes a piece basically saying Jarrett should go because she’s too close to the president and despite having done nothing that any other male in her position has done with any other president in history…she shouldn’t. Or something. It’s a steaming pile of sexist crap that would never be written of any male senior advisor. Ever.

Don’t think we didn’t notice, Politico.

Apparently it’s only a bad thing to have the president confident in you, if you are a woman.

Apparently it’s only a bad thing to have earned the trust of the First Lady and your boss, the president…if you are a woman.

Apparently helping the president make the decisions that affect our nation and sometimes the entire world is your role as a senior advisor…unless you are a woman.

In fact, because you are a woman, shouldn’t you really be in the East Wing with the lady-folk, gossiping and giggling and perhaps decorating the incoming White House holiday trees? Certainly not helping to shape policy or working with powerful MEN.

I wish I were kidding about the East Wing quip, but Politico actually makes an East Wing quip.

Seriously.

I want to make it clear, before everyone begins their attack on me for supporting a woman they will have all sorts of names for, that I have personal experience with Ms. Jarrett.

I will never forget the first time I met her. It’s possible tears were shed:

Then came an intimate lunch with Ms. Jarrett at the BlogHer conference in 2009. I greeted her at the hotel doors and walked her into the conference, first making sure to say to hello to my husband and then introducing her to the room. We embarked on a conversation that would be a turning point for me and, I’m sure, a few others.

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After almost an hour of talking health care with a group hand-picked bloggers from all backgrounds who had talked about health and healthcare on their blogs, Ms. Jarrett gave her number to one of the bloggers so that this particular woman’s husband could call her and she could set him straight on a few issues.

Not only was the call made, but that blogger then went on to visit the White House, with her Right-Wing radio show host husband and kept the conversation going with Ms. Jarrett.

That is just the type of person Ms. Jarrett is and that is just how committed she is to the President’s agenda. She will call your crazy, right-wing uncle up on the phone personally and attempt to tell him just why all those email forwards he sends are not only lacking facts, but they are downright insulting. The woman knows no fear and will mix it up with the average voter and the most powerful men in Congress. They are all on equal footing in her eyes and you can bet good money THAT is why she has a bullseye on her back, NOT because it’s post-midterms and the West Wing should ‘shake things up.’

If the midterms were truly the reason, then why have they been calling for Jarrett to be fired since the moment she was on staff?

It wasn’t long after the luncheon, BlogHer Co-Founder Elisa Camahort Page and I flew from the West Coast to Washington DC to make sure the Obama Administration knew exactly how powerful women online had become. Ms. Jarrett knew and gave us the opportunity to present our findings to some very powerful people while she listened intently and nodded in affirmation every time we hammered home a point about our strength, our ability to be highly influential, and our undisputed takeover of the Internet.

THAT is the Valerie Jarrett I know. And am PROUD to know. So to see a hit piece appear afer the midterms, with not only zero substance but a healthy dose of ‘get back in the kitchen and know your place woman’ to boot…Erin MAD. Erin SMASH.

Every woman should be MAD, HULK MAD. They have never and would never say these things about Axelrod or Plouffe. The things she does are normal, typical, entirely mundane in the eyes of a male Senior Advisor. The Axelrods and Plouffes were never disrespected or even questioned should they have the ear of the president…it was THEIR JOB. Jarrett does the same and it’s some whacky new conspiracy worthy of throwing her in the Potomac to see if she sinks or floats.

Sorry, but I refuse to stand for it and so should every single one of you. You may not like Ms. Jarrett, or the President. Or maybe you DO like Ms. Jarrett and the President. Either way it’s time to put an end to the nonsense.

I’m going to leave you with one more personal story and then let you make up your mind on the character of the President’s most trusted Senior Advisor, one just a few family members know:

It was very difficult for me to be sidelined when I was first diagnosed with Lupus. From all of the surgeries to having a stroke, I was upset and depressed to not be playing a role in bringing you opportunities to connect with our elected leaders.

During a time in which I was doing absolutely no work, I watched Ms. Jarrett attacked, yet again, and I reached out to her with a very short ‘hang in there, you are doing so much good for so many of us’ note.

I didn’t expect to hear back. She’s a very busy woman and the job of a Senior Advisor to the President is extremely demanding. Even more so if you are a female constantly fending off attacks the men in your position don’t have to deal with.

I heard back almost immediately from Ms. Jarrett. And while she did thank me, she wasn’t concerned for herself…she wanted to know how I was doing and if I was ok and to know that she would be thinking and praying for me and not to worry about her.

So many of you can choose to believe all the headlines and form in your mind the caricature of a woman they want you to know. Or, you can use my examples and my real-life experience with the woman some of us DO know.

And that woman kicks ass and has forever earned my respect.

The Gray Area

It would be every easy to say politics are black and white, especially in today’s climate. R vs D! Blue vs Red! You are wrong! I am right! With our elected leaders in Washington playing this out over and over and over again while President Obama goes gray.

Because of the “Top Two” primary system in California my home district, the 25th, is without a Democrat candidate. State Senator Steve Knight or Tony Stickland appear on my ballot, both with a big, fat “R” next to their names. There is no option to write-in a candidate. Either I check a box, or I don’t.

I’ve decided to check the box for Tony Strickland.

I’m not going to lie to you and say this is a candidate I’m thrilled with, and not just because he’s a Republican. However, he’s the only candidate running who has decided to run towards local Democrats instead of run away from them. Is Strickland running towards me and those like me simply to get our votes…you betcha. And believe me, I’m not naive’. I see it clearly. But at least he’s running.

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This is pretty much how we feel about Top Two.

He has changed his positions and even flip-flopped entirely in order to become the more moderate candidate in this race. When I asked him about this, he was as honest as a politician can be. He told me not only has he evolved on some issues but he also sees the numbers in the district (showing Democrats now have more registered voters than Republicans) and the district’s diversity.

Smart man. Smart staff. Smart campaign.

In order to survive for any length of time, if he wants to be the next Congressman McKeon and serve FOREVER (which is clearly what Strickland wants) he has no choice but to take a more moderate stance on issues.

Eventually the Dems in the area will get organized, will have the national party backing, and will give whichever candidate wins on Tuesday a rough fight for office. The numbers and feet on the ground working show this is all but inevitable.

That means Tuesday’s winner needs to court 25th moderates from both sides, make good on bipartisanship in DC, and be ready to run on that record come 2016.

Knight may have some bipartisan clout in his years in Sacramento, but all of his bipartisan work is very noncontroversial. Things like help for Veterans bills, money for our runaway production problems, aerospace job incentives. All very worthy causes to be sure…but nothing that shows he is truly bipartisan. I’ve poured over his record and I don’t see anything that says ‘hey, I’m willing to be YOUR guy in DC if the issue really is important to my district and even if my party thinks the other way on that issue.’

There is also a vote on Knight’s record that may be of GREAT interest to those in town looking to defeat Measure S. Yes, you are reading right…Knight voted for those paid petition blockers* edited Nov. 2, 11:42pm GATHERERS. .

Then I look at Strickland’s record and there are a lot of the same votes on things that disturb me greatly…the same votes Knight had…especially on LGBTQ issues. But here’s the difference: Strickland says he’s evolved and wouldn’t support those things again. The same with things related to health care; pre-existing conditions, contraception being covered, maternity leave, etc. Knight’s record shows several more of these types of votes that take these issues further, but you can’t compare them side-by-side as they served different years, with just a few overlapping.

Knight isn’t and hasn’t budged on these issues.

At least not that I can find. You can call that integrity, if you like. He’s sticking to his guns (and guns, ok…there IS A DIFFERENCE on this one too! Knight has the backing of the GOA, which is even more extreme than the NRA-if that’s even possible-BOTH of which are unhappy with Strickland because while he’s very pro 2nd, he actually has some limits, not many…but some) Or you can call it plan old stupidity for refusing to move on issues this district and the entire nation have moved on. We’re sending you there to represent all of us. ALL of us. He simply points out he has, and I can confirm, worked across the aisle on legislation and will continue to do so in DC. But again, all of that across the aisle legislation are things anyone would support, and did. And there is ample evidence that when he tries to step out of line and be a rebel, he’s pulled back in and when told to sit down and shut up…and he has allegedly bowed to that pressure.

Strickland, on the other hand, has gone against his party and even Knight head-to-head on controversial issues and gone Left, despite any threat of consequence from the party. You’ll find that in his votes on renewable energy and on things like siding with Dems and the Humane Society in banning the use of dogs in bear hunting and upholding a ban on the sale of shark fins. Strickland told me he’s ‘an animal guy.’ And he’s a ‘renewable energy guy.’ We’ll see. But it’s true he was pressured by his own party NOT to sue then Gov. Gray Davis, but did it anyway. He was pressured to vote against the bear hunting ban and several green initiatives on energy. Controversial issues where he made a stand, NOT bipartisan ones.

I also need to point out a stark difference between the two when it comes to abortion. While these are Republicans we are dealing with, Knight refuses to even allow for abortion in the case of rape, incest, or health of the mother. This is important because it’s going to become a national fight. 22 states have enacted 70 abortion restrictions in 2013 alone, and there is evidence if the Senate is won over by the GOP come Tuesday, abortion is high on the list of top priorities for Congress.

Say hello to my new favorite word: VETO.

@queenofspain on #CNN #KeepYourPantsOn
Yup. That’s me. Just one of my many appearances. But a favorite. #keepyourpantson

The Knight campaign is currently hitting on Strickland’s willingness to change in order to become elected as a weakness, which in a primary to see which Republican would advance, this would be great. But this isn’t a primary, and if either candidate expects to represent the ENTIRE 25th, they need to understand there are more than conservative Republicans in town. Strickland seems to get this and has changed his campaign from the moment he was running vs. another R. Knight has kept things status quo and is running as the “true” conservative on the ballot. Not exactly a wide appeal for those of us left out in the cold by top two.

There is also the matter of the people each campaign has chosen to keep around as staff, volunteers, and surrogates. While Strickland’s staff has been open to listening to myself and other Democrats, Knight’s staff (and paid surrogates, paid advocates, etc) not only rebuke any and all ‘lefty’ events, they are openly hostile to us. Paid Knight guy Joe Messina is a birther who uses his radio infomercial (he pays for it to air on our local station) to give a platform to designated hate groups like the Pacific Institute of Justice and the American Family Association. Knight has also brought on board Santa Clarita City Councilmember Dante Acosta, who’s table I sat directly next to during the Chamber debate at the Hyatt. Let’s just say I overheard things that made me want to get up out of my chair and pour my iced tea over his head as he cracked a comment everytime Strickland talked about bipartisanship. There is also Knight’s endorsement of minuteman Tim Donnelly. And we can not forget his vote to keep the confederate flag, when the entire world was telling him just how insensitive and stupid it was.

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Oh hey, me again…Hi Mr. President, why of course I have time for you…

In my quest to have both candidate address community leaders from the left side of the aisle, I cannot help but think these folks have stalled any headway I made with my impeccable resume in making sure conservatives are treated fairly in such meetings or opportunities. But you see, this good ‘ol boys club didn’t even look at my credentials or do an opposition research check on me- something a ton of campaigns much bigger and much more important than there’s have done and then easily allowed me to coordinate an event.

Progressive bloggers meet at the White House
Me again, just…you know, taking an economic meeting in the West Wing…

Strickland, as you know, accepted the invite because he’s been unafraid and has sought out Democrats in this district in order to explain he is now looking to be everyone’s congressman, not just the white conservative guy’s. His team also did their homework on me.

It’s not lost on me Strickland may be making us local Dems promises he won’t keep. But, at the very least, he’s the only one making them and giving us a shot. Coming from a politician it may not be much, but it’s more than I’m getting from the other side.

Which leads me to some research I did on my own. Some things no one else would know around here. I actually called or emailed all of my RNC and GOP-tied contacts in DC and asked them about both candidates. I needed to know if they were liked, if they had any power (rare for a freshman Congressperson) and if they were moderate/extreme/otherwise.

In each instance the person knew who Tony Strickland was, said he was a nice guy, but that he was your typical politician with some very powerful friends. All called him moderate.

Not a single one knew who Steve Knight was and when a few spent the time to research, on my behalf, he was categorized as ‘tea party’ and ‘the reason we’re losing in our minority and female outreach’ and ‘oh man Erin this guy must drive you nuts.’ See…they know me.

Erin & Markos
Speaking of drive me nuts…Kos and I don’t always agree…it’s fun

Strickland, I can verify, won’t be your average freshman. He has an actual chance to get some things done in his two years. He has told me he, very badly, wants to get a bipartisan basketball pick-up game with the President. We both agree this would be a great way to break bread and try to build a bipartisan relationship. I even promised I would put in a good word. Mostly because I really want an invite. And yeah, yeah, all that peace love and let’s do this together stuff too…I swear.

Bottom line? Strickland is a career politician who has morphed into a candidate hoping to appeal to everyone and who has offered me and other 25th district progressives a seat at his table. His polished campaign understands the writing is on the wall for hard core conservatives around here, and they are adjusting accordingly. Clearly they want to position themselves for 2016 when Dems WILL turn out in droves.

Knight is a far-right, NONpolitiican politician who is only bipartisan on the easy issues everyone supports and says we can all call his cell because he ‘loves to hear from voters.’
I don’t need a man who loves to just hear from voters, I need a man who takes the other side seriously and will consider and in some rare cases implement our policy issues. While I admire his consistency, it also shows he’s tone-deaf to the rest of the 25th. Couple that with his confederate flag/Donnelly endorsement and his local embracing of extremists birthers and more…I will be voting Strickland to keep Knight from taking that ideology to DC.

Strickland has already laid the groundwork in DC to walk in and be able, as a freshman, to say no to his party when needed. Knight won’t even have the option. No one in DC gives a shit if some city council member, mayor or school board member birther has his back and ‘wants things’ when he sits down in Congress. They will not know who those people are will laugh at him for thinking they matter.

Strickland is also giving Dems in his district a voice and the opportunity to educate him on LGBTQ issues and more.

It’s entirely possible this will bite me in the ass and he’s doing nothing but lying to me. And it’s entirely possible Knight will prove me wrong, and if elected embrace the diversity of the district and be more than a puppet for the more powerful in DC. I would love nothing more than to be shown I was 110% WRONG on Knight and if he goes to DC he will allow Democrats from the 25th a voice and do what the majority of his constituents want, not just what he and the local powers want. Please, by all means…show me I’m wrong. I will happily and with total glee apologize and jump into advocating our side to our new Congressman.

However I can not take the chance on a man who currently won’t even attend a Democratic function and will not budge on his views.

So I’m taking the chance Tony Strickland, who has promised me to my face we WILL have a voice.

The stakes are just too high.

Get out and vote on Tuesday, and instead of sitting out the two bubbles to fill in for this race, fill yours in for Strickland. You owe it to not only every woman you know simply over reproductive rights, but you owe it to your LGBTQ friends who will have a shot at educating an evolving man- not one who’s mind is made up. You also owe it the people of color in your life who clearly hear the dog-whistle of Donnelly and the confederate flag vote. You owe it to make sure the local good ‘ol boys understand they are a dying breed. And you owe it to yourself, because you deserve the chance to have a seat at a table, one the other side, has shunned you from.

Again, prove me wrong Sen. Knight. If you win on Tuesday, prove me wrong. You’ll see a blog post praising your actions.

But in the meantime I’m going with the man giving me and mine a chance, even if it means I’m taking a chance on my part…

Vote Tony Strickland and join me in holding his feet to the fire. For all of us.

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It’s a SPOOOKY Halloween: I’m VOTING REPUBLICAN

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No really. It’s going to happen. And it REALLY does not get any more scary than voting GOP.

Here in California’s 25th district we Democrats got the short end of the stick in our new ‘top two’ primary system. Yup, I have two Republicans to choose from and zero…count ‘em…zero Democrats.

There is no write-in. There is no ‘none of the above.’ There is no other choice. 

There is only vote, or don’t vote. (I’m dying to try a Yoda line here…)

And I really can not stand the idea of abstaining. I know many of you Dems think this is the way to go and that’s your choice. However I feel if I don’t use my vote, a more extreme candidate will get into Congress. I need the guy who will do the least amount of damage in two years. I need the guy who might, maybe, kinda, think about listening to me and MY issues and ideas and beliefs. I need the guy who is open to change.

Yes, I still believe in Hope and Change.

The problem? Figuring out which candidate fits this description.

So me being, well, ME, I began a quest in late August to get both candidates to sit down with women Democrats. That was the initial idea. Hey, it’s what I did before Lupus starting taking my organs so I figured I had the street cred. If I can sit down with the President, his senior staff, get his wife to blog, bring conservative bloggers to the White House, get the RNC to have THEIR  Congresswomen blog AND participate in talks with bloggers, arrange meet and greets with elected officials and bloggers…I could do this, right?

Right.

The difference? This wasn’t for ‘work.’ This is for my hometown. My household. My district. MY OBAMACARE. My Reproductive RIGHTS. My wanting to punch in the nose every politician *cough* GOP *cough* responsible for opposing every.single.thing. MY President has attempted to accomplish since day one. Yes, day one and the infamous meeting while Barack Hussein Obama was putting his hand on the Bible and taking the oath of office.

I needed these meetings to happen and I needed it bad. I need to look Tony Strickland and Sen. Steve Knight in the eyes and find out what type of men they really are.

Unfortunately, by about mid-October they still didn’t have much of a desire to meet with me and my merry band of nose punchers. (they know I kid… I didn’t even flick their arms!)

So despite being in the midst of a round of IVIG I dragged my sorry butt to a local debate between the two. I made a point of speaking to them both, reminding them I had been pestering them and their staff (and wives) via FB, email and voicemail- and then launched into my credentials again so they knew they would be in good hands, regardless.

As anyone I’ve worked with will tell you, I’m over the TOP fair to the political types…to the point of driving my bosses nuts. However, look at it from their point of view. In the case of my job, many of these elected officials see only the ‘bad’ in social media and it scares them. They can’t control the message. They certainly can’t control the comments. The Internet can be a rough place. So I always, always allow the elected officials to lead and go with what they and their staff are most comfy with. My pitch to Strickland and Knight was the same- I’d even offered to give them the questions ahead of time (something Knight totally laughed at…bonus points for him…but he still wouldn’t commit) -Anything. Because not only would these two be walking into my blogging world but also (hopefully) into a group of left leaning folk (I ended up with a few men).

Finally, I’m thrilled to say, after meeting me in person at the debate and hearing my resume, the Strickland camp accepted. I tried at the same debate with Knight, but he just wasn’t so sure yet. I can’t blame the guy. I’m just as passionate in person as I am online and I don’t think anyone from his staff was nearby to save him when I cornered, I mean, approached him. But I did follow up with both right after and had Strickland scheduled for an intimate gathering at my home. Still no reply from Knight.

With the day now here, and Knight still not responding, I gathered 8-10 Democrat or left leaning community members who are influencers … people from various backgrounds and sectors that could then take the message back, word of mouth or via their own social media, should they be so moved by the candidate. LGBTQ, Business, Moms… you get the idea.

I put out some waters next the photo of President Obama and I (what???? oh come on I HAD TO) and near one of my boxes of White House M&Ms (I had to do that too, I just had to) made sure the kids were busy with legos and we greeted Tony Strickland, Republican, as he walked in my door.
M&Ms

We kicked things off with the very influential Leah aka @bookieboo who grilled Tony (I get to call him Tony now…which is nice because Newt insisted on MR. GINGRICH and Congressman Buck McKeon – the one retiring that these guys want to replace- prefers Congressman, if he’s even listening…and don’t even get me started on Mr. Speaker…but boy was it much nicer when it was MADAME SPEAKER) on GMO labeling and farmers.

GMO LABELING, ORGANIC FARMING: To the room’s surprise Tony said he would be entirely open to a federal standard for GMO labeling and would seriously look into it- asking very sharp questions about Europe’s standards and other states and what they have done and he thought it made a lot of sense to know what is in our food. Leah then went on to explain how family farms can have a hard time, almost impossible, going from using pesticides to organic, and there is a HUGE demand for organic. So much so that we have to bring it in from other countries. Which sucks, when we could totally corner the market here and supply our own. There is a three year period where, apparently, the family farm soil has to literally just sit and the farm has zero income. Something the majority of family farms these days simply can not handle financially. So she wanted to know if Tony would consider any sort of federal funds or subsidies to help these farmers make the jump to organic farming. Turns out, Tony would consider it- but in a pilot program. Something he thought might be smarter to start with before really committing a ton of money. And again, he would absolutely look into it and thought a pilot program was a good start.

tony Headshot-2

LGBTQ: We then moved on to LGBTQ issues. Now, there was some flack around these parts because the candidates were asked during a forum to raise their hand if they would support ENDA. Everyone but Tony raised their hand. Causing a total uproar. So Tony told us, under no uncertain terms, he has ‘evolved’ just like President Obama on the issue. And the ENDA hand raising thing- he says he hadn’t read the bill, and he had been burned before on that sort of question and didn’t want to commit to something he had not read. He also, very savvily for this Dem crowd, talked about speaking with others who had told him this version of ENDA was very watered down and from what he understood many LGBTQ activists weren’t happy about it (totally true) and wanted STRONGER legislation.

Then we got to the nitty gritty. Marriage. He said he stops short of ‘marriage.’ YET believes in total equality…just not the whole ‘marriage’ word. He wants equals rights, allegedly, but not under the term ‘marriage.’ Now, we all know that many rights come along with that word under the law. Many same-sex couples can not have simply because of that word. However Tony said he wants those couples to have all those rights, he just stops short at the ‘marriage’ word. He admitted to me at the debate this was his own, personal issue and he knows he’s evolving. He said (D) Speaker Perez (gay) teases him that he will get him that last step…so of course I told him I’d be right there too…pushing. We also got into religious exemptions and how that would work. He agreed no one should ever lose their job because of their race, sexual orientation, etc. But he did say where the crux maybe is when someone is hired to say, teach Jewish theology and they have an issue doing the work because of their beliefs. He said that’s where it gets tricky and he could see, in that particular type of case, where the law would need to also help the employer. However the janitor or whomever should be protected- even in religious universities, etc. (Needless to say some in the room still want total clarification on this issue because we got very detailed)

GRIDLOCK: I then had to jump in and ask about the current climate in Washington and gridlock. Because so help me if I see another straight up and down ‘we will vote against anything the President puts out there’ from the GOP I will tear all of my hair out and SEND IT TO TONY along with  photo of my bald head and a bill for my blood pressure meds. Will he be in lockstep with his party? – Tony says no, and his record shows it. And he’s right, he has gone against his party numerous times, notably on green energy and they weren’t very happy with him when he sued Gov. Gray Davis back in the day. He could easily tell us 6-7 instances where he did, in fact, go against his party and said he would not be afraid to do the same in DC.

DC POWER: Which lead us to what sort of pull he might have as a Freshman Congressman in DC. Turns out, Tony’s got some pull. He says he’s wanted on several committees already (including the coveted Armed Service committee) and he has friends in DC on both sides of the aisle. In other words, he won’t be your typical Freshman with zero contacts and zero pull. He compared himself to his challenger and said while it’s important to be close to your local elected leaders to take their concerns to DC, the powers in DC really are not going to care what the mayor of Santa Clarita thinks while they vote on federal issues.

EDUCATION: We moved on to education. He said he believes California has failed the kids around here and we must do better. He also agreed that kids will only learn if they feel safe, and talked very personally about bullying and supporting anti-bullying measures. We heard a very touching story about his daughter and how it made him realize how important it was that children LIKE going to school and not FEAR or have worries when trying to learn.

LOCAL YOUTH: This lead to a question about the youth in our area. With the comment being made it seems all they do is ‘heroin and screw up on social media.’ Tony talked about how as a Congressman it was up to locals to support nonprofits and things like the Boys and Girls Club- but said as the Congressman for the area he would be active in making sure these places are supported and committing himself to helping out. He mentioned he helped out with ‘gamers’ (hey, that’s my family) and setting up some gaming spots in our district, along with his various sports projects. The guy is like 6’5” so…lots of basketball people. In fact, one of his goals if elected is to play basketball with the President. He wants this pick up game, bad. From one basketball player to another… I can tell. And I have to admit, a bipartisan pick up game with the President sounds like a good way to break bread. I just really want an invite too. (hint, hint)

GUNS: We then got into the 2nd amendment. This got interesting. Tony said he’s very pro-2nd, as one would expect, but he has been in trouble with local NRA groups for not going far enough. But he doesn’t think you need a tank or grenades. He said he really wants to explore the mental health issue tied to this- because he believes if we can get a hold of that, we can solve a lot of these violence problems. The room then, of course, got very detailed- where does he draw the line on weapons. He wasn’t entirely sure, having been told by experts (he does not own a gun, but supports those who do) that many of these weapons you can simply change out one part and they are legal again. He does know that military style tank and crazy over the top stuff doesn’t need to be in your arsenal. Something local NRA groups are taking exception too.

CONTRACEPTION & ABORTION: And then came some of the biggies.. contraception, abortion… the ones that usually divide a room in two in seconds. Turns out Tony told us he’s fine with ALL forms of contraception- even the ones cited in the Hobby Lobby case and their availability. He says he’s pro-life, and has also evolved on this issue, as he believes in terminating a pregnancy if it occurs by rape, incest, or could endanger the health of the mother. He also agreed with the room when it was stated we can’t imagine anyone making that decision for our daughters but our FAMILY should the worst happen and a rape occurred. Tony said he would want that for HIS daughter, that option, and for it to not be in the hands of the government.

EQUAL PAY: Tony also told the crowd he is FOR equal pay for equal work for women and supports it entirely.

ACA: Because Tony started his campaign on a ‘repeal Obamacare’ effort, I then had to ask the million dollar question…will he vote to repeal Obamacare? Because he has said he would when this primary began, changing his tune and taking it off his website once he began running against Knight and NOT a Democrat. I should mention other things were removed as well and his stances on issues that we discussed like this and others have changed since this campaign started. He acknowledged he’s changed and now wants to ‘fix’ health care in America, not repeal ACA…but said it’s doomed to fail if it’s not fixed. He talked about his work with a health care program for children in CA. He thinks we should all be able to take our health care with us, job to job… wherever…and it be ours, not your employer’s, etc. I said…well that’s what ACA does when you buy through the exchange, I also told him of my family’s savings and how this whole premiums going up thing is crazy because they’ve been going up since well before I had my first child in 2003. Tony said he understood and that what he sees is ACA crashing if it’s not fixed because of the high number of sick people enrolled and the lack of young people enrolled. And we talked about how to get the young enrolled and he discussed how we didn’t need someone appointed to ‘track down’ those not paying and how that system isn’t even in place. I told him well, the IRS is where you get hit so if you file taxes it’s totally in place.. I didn’t really get a response to that one. But he did say he was committed to fixing, along with the President, the bumps that come up.

I then, dead seriously, told him if he was one of those 45th or 50-whatever votes to repeal Obamacare by the House he’d have to answer to me, because so help me if I see that I would lose my every loving mind. The room giggled but anyone who knows me and I could tell Tony & his staffer knew -I was NOT joking. And you really do not want a pissed off Erin in your office and you can’t hide in DC because I will show up there too, just ask the White House.

BIPARTISANSHIP: Which leads me to our conclusion and him promising Democrats and the left a seat at the table and a voice if he’s elected. In fact, he encouraged it and seemed to be counting on us to teach him more about the LGBTQ community, which he admittedly didn’t even know what it stood for. He wants to learn. He told us we are not always going to agree, and he may not go along with what we want (he is a republican, after all) but we are invited to lobby him to see our point of view or scream at him  until we’re blue in the face over a vote he may have cast. He said he has a track record of being bipartisan and finding common ground and will work hard to make sure he represents the entire district, not just the Republicans- and everyone in the room was welcomed to be part of that process should he make it to DC.

Hands were then shook, cards exchanged, the kids even popped in but suddenly they were all too shy to ask questions even though my 11-year old REALLY wanted to grill him on equality.

Now I remain sitting on pins and needles to hear from the other man in this race, State Senator Steve Knight. Should that happen at any point I will do the same and blog the entire event or his written or spoken answers to the same questions asked of Tony Strickland. And it will be posted in the same manner.

Regardless I will be making up my own mind very soon and writing a post on that specifically, and why I think one Republican deserves my vote over the other. Should the Knight answers come in AFTER my endorsement, I will STILL post them for all to see. Since I could go either way, and many others could go either way, I will post what I get no matter what. In the meantime you can visit Sen. Knight’s website and Tony Strickland’s for more details.

Now to celebrate Halloween with all the gore and upset stomach from too much candy and the added bonus of election signs on all my neighbor’s lawns. We live in scary, scary times, as I cast a ballot for a Republican. 

 

Crossposted on MOMOcrats.com and BlogHer.com

Hey Mom, What Does “Die Feminist Gamer” Mean?

My 9-year old daughter can jump in and out of a first person shooter game and then quickly morph back into a bunny to go to someone’s “den” for a bunny dance party.

She’s a gamer. A girl gamer. And right now, that is a dangerous thing.

So dangerous, in fact, some women have received death threats, their public info blasted all over communities so they can be harassed, and if that weren’t enough we hear about Anita Sarkeesian. Sarkeesian was slated to speak at Utah State University until they got an email threatening a mass shooting if she dared open her girl mouth on stage. Sarkeesian, refusing to cave to their threats,  said she would STILL get on stage and give her lecture, provided there were some security checks.

Seems totally reasonable to me.

BUT (there’s always a ‘but’) school officials weren’t all that into being TSA at the doors. I’m not sure why, considering the Salt Lake Tribune reported the emailed threat claimed it would be “the deadliest school shooting in American history.”

WOW. Ok then.

According to the LA Times, “During the discussion, Sarkeesian asked if weapons will be permitted at the speaking venue. Sarkeesian was informed that, in accordance with the State of Utah law regarding the carrying of firearms, if a person has a valid concealed firearm permit and is carrying a weapon, they are permitted to have it at the venue.”

Yeah, I think I’d go ahead and sit this one out too.

As many of you know I’ve given lectures and sat on panels regarding the death threats my family and I received via online trolls. Threats that garnered zero attention until the trolls went after my kids and their school. Then, suddenly, the cops & Twitter cared. Well, that’s not entirely true. Twitter didn’t cooperate with law enforcement until an emergency order was issued by the judge. Then they cared. The detective assigned to the case, the first “cyber” case for him…he cared. He cared because he understood, at the time, this was only going to get worse and these cases would become much more frequent in my town and in yours.

My point? Each time I’ve had a speaking engagement post-threat, the venue and organizers have been more than willing to offer security. Sarkeesian can only stand up for herself so much, showing the world she won’t back down, without downright being stupid and taking a huge risk on her life and the lives of everyone in that auditorium.

Currently the online scene is as I would expect. People are picking sides, blaming each other, and women online and in tech (yes, that includes gaming) continue to endure what can be career ending torture by a minority of douchecanoes who seem to think themselves superior. These trolls are threatened by anyone with a vagina that dare tell them or even ask politely they consider some games have a female character and maybe, just possibly a female character that doesn’t resemble a whore. Apparently that’s waaaaaaay too much to ask of *some* of this demo without causing an uproar. There is also the fight over this being about journalism (I’m using a lower case j on purpose…because please don’t get this traditional news reporter started on citizen journalism, real Journalism and reviews, pay-for-play,  and blah blah blah …see, I said don’t get me started) and not being about feminism. THAT has *some* in this demo screaming at the top of their lungs to be heard over the rustle of headlines simply stating a feminist received death threats.  As with everything there is a long backstory. As with many backstories it is filled with truth, lies, and lots in the middle.

What I have seen, personally, by simply tweeting about the issue (and using the all important #) is ugly. And the word FEMINISM really pisses off a lot of people. Let’s not kid ourselves there are idiots on both sides.  In fact, I was told repeatedly via social media last night my “agenda” needs to stay the fuck out of “their” games.

I love how they think these are “their” games…so cute.

I was also told I was a horrible mother, saw some really nasty rape memes…you get the idea. All I asked for was an end to the escalation. You see, these movements have become the next game for many of these men and women. Their next quest.

There is even a self-proclaimed Democrat woman who calls herself the ‘Factual Feminist,’ lending her credibility to a movement aimed partially at challenging journalists & Journalists (of which I have been both) and partially ( I THINK?) to poo-pooing the idea that …wait for it… women and girls play games and can be hard core gamers and…no really, wait for it…..wait for it….. wait for it………..there is NO PATRIARCHAL PROBLEM in gaming.

Imagine my spit-take on that one. If it helps, I have tea. 

I swear to CHEEBUS that’s what she said. Yes, Dr. Factual Feminist spent a few weeks (weeks people! WHOLE WEEKS!) checking out the gamers and she’s concluded there’s no issue here, you silly little girls. It’s all in your head, which is where she virtually pats us, tells us to calm our shit down, and ignores what has been decades of a certain “culture” she can’t seem to find with any male gamers online.

Deadspin has a great rundown of everything that includes the video of this so-called feminist. My absolute favorite part is where she says “They want the male video game culture to die

WOW. I totally missed the memo on this one.  Did you all have a meeting without me? Hilariously and somewhat dangerously, she then strokes their egos and talks about what a smart little subculture they are.

ooooh what a smart widdle subculture you are….do you do twicks you cootie patatootie widdddle subculture… now roll over, roll over… goooood boy!

Well, yes. We did have an inkling of THIS side of gaming too!

Our life- caught perfectly by @undomesticdiva

Feel free to steady yourselves before you get the vapors and need to sit a spell on the fainting couch.

Did you all think we women just randomly hung out with neanderthals all day and let our daughters do the same while we game? I don’t think the argument here is “all male gamers suck and want to hurt me”…unless my son and husband are secretly plotting. The argument, Professor, is within that smart subculture is a STUPID, NASTY subculture (and I’m being generous by calling it a subculture, it can at times BE THE CULTURE) with some bad apples. Every subculture, culture and otherwise has this issue- and to “stand down” as you suggest is to accept this behavior. In the words of my daughter, “Mom can I say a bad word? … That’s really stupid.”

Back to the kids…since I mentioned my gamer daughter. I briefly and somewhat vaguely told the kids what had gone down on the internet all night, while they slept all snuggled and cuddly,  and then proceeded to bust out the phone while they reacted…and we packed for school:

Yeah, you heard me right…my son knows a whole lot more about gamer culture than his sister due to their ages, what we allow, and my husband’s constant vigil gaming WITH my son so when things come up they can discuss the matter. Same thing with my daughter, just two years younger- and it’s reflected in the video above. I mean, did anyone tell the good Professor about tea bagging as she did her research?

Now, there are some serious accusations levied in this war of #GamerGate vs #StopGamerGate2014- even to go so far as deciding if women count as gamers, you know, the real kind…not the kind that play Angry Birds or Bejeweled. Because heaven forbid we add in THOSE numbers. If we do that *some* male gamers get really upset. Like, stomp their feet and whine and moan like toddlers upset. Like…hurl death threats at women upset.

Now, why did I say “if we add in those numbers,” you ask? Because it seems all of this only becomes a problem when there is a threat to their special hold on their special place in their special world where only they are allowed to be king of their gaming castle.

Sort of like what we’re watching the GOP do right now: trying really hard to stay relevant to the LGBTQ community and women and people of color, yet instead looking like total asses and eventually saying or doing something so very stupid no one in their right mind would want to play in their sandbox. Like I said, death threats. Or when people post about these threats, answering with those super triggering (thnx ever so much!) gifs about raping girl gamers all while complaining and mansplaining we can’t take a joke.

I honestly hope we can move forward in this mess with a coalition of feminists (men gamers, that includes you…in fact it DEMANDS you) standing UP to the systemic and overt creeps in the culture TOGETHER and without hesitation. I could give a rat’s ass which hashtag they fall under or what their criteria for “hard core gaming community” entails. Both sides need leaders that are loud, bold, strong, and the hero they attempt to play daily on their screens. Except without the legendary weapon.

If this fails, and these ridiculous and entirely unacceptable threats and violations continue, at least I know that my home is not oddity or behavioral study.

We have digital kids. You may have heard of them. They are growing up a bit different than we did. iPads before they can walk kinda thing. They read their books for school on these devices and they have their playdates on their consoles. My son was up Friday night, or Saturday (or was it both?) with his best friend who lives several states away, dropping in on public events in Destiny. All while my daughter made a video jamming out to Lorde with her Animal Jam friends.

As you see above, they aren’t buying any of your excuses. I have full faith they will fix the misogyny and insecurity and yes, patriarchy, prevalent in gaming…because let’s face it, they already care more than most of you and are willing to stand up while others are patting them on the head, insisting they stand down.

 

 

(photo credit: Megan Hook Photography)

*you all might be interested in this ESA study, claiming “women age 18 or older represent a significantly greater portion of the game-playing population (36%) than boys age 18 or younger (17%)” FYI it’s a pdf. (update added Oct. 16, 2014)

Wave of Emotion

It’s been a rough time around here lately.

I’m still grappling with the death of my Aunt and then the death of my grandfather. Two events that just won’t leave my mind for a second.

IMG_0970.JPG

Because I spent a lot of time in Michigan this past summer, I’ve even found myself calculating my disability checks and bills and wondering if Aaron could or even would quit his job and move the kids and I back there.

Of course it’s an insane thought. But it doesn’t stop me from looking at real estate on Lake Huron.

The kids and I have started back up at school again and while I crammed in treatment and they adjusted to their new classes, my husband had surgery (for the second time) getting a brand new toe, making it pretty impossible for him to get around.

Then the kids both sucked in all the new school germs and contracted pneumonia and I received terrifying news regarding another family member (but at least this time it’s not looking too bad now…thank goodness). All of this while I work to take care of my three loves, keep up with my own classes, and try and keep the house somewhat in order while trying very hard not to break down and run to the water.

It’s what I do.

From the minute I got my driver’s license I would head down Lakeshore Dr. in Grosse Pointe to just think. I would drive all the way downtown and find a spot under the Ambassador bridge, park, and just look out a the Detroit River. It brought me peace.

When I lived in Dublin I found a bus that would take me up to these coastal, Irish cities. The waves would crash into the rocks and the local would get me drunk on Guinness and everything was ok…because I could see the sea and breathe.

When I moved to Florida I would drive to the coast in-between every shift at work, and after every bad date, or bad memory, or when I just needed to work things out in my head…I even found the one topless beach where I could find a secluded area, sunbathe, and inhale the sea air while I listened to waves, lulling me into knowing everything would be ok.

And then came my home, California. Nothing compares to the relief that washes over me when we finally hit that stretch of the 101 where ocean is visible. It’s as if it puts me back together after falling apart. Somehow making me whole.

There are just so many things I can’t work out right now…from trying to do what the therapist said and concentrating on ‘my’ life to mourning for people and a past that will never be the same.

And I don’t have the freedom to just take off and stare at the Pacific what with LA traffic and all of the above. So instead I bury my head in books and try my best to smile when really I’m hiding in the bathroom daily to let the tears flow.

There are so many things I just want to put back the way they were. So many. And not a single one of them are under my control or even slightly up to me. The more time I spend on myself, as recommended, the less connected I feel to everyone I love. I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work.

Yes, my illness seemed to put all of this in motion. So being ME I blame myself. Which is just about as nuts as convincing Aaron to move to Michigan on my disability checks. But emotions make you do nutty things.

So in lieu of running away to the water, I move on to plan B…the other thing I do. I plan. Oh boy do I plan. In fact, I plan to the point of lists and charts and budgets and speeches.

Right now my plan has added a second major to my never-ending quest to finish my degree. Now I’m Journalism and Political Science, Pre-law. The plan being when my body can finally find its way to remission I’ll use my skills to add that extra step to my resume making me unstoppable and ready for world domination.

It will either help with those things I can’t control, or put me in a position to make the landing softer. Because of course I think it’s all my fault and if I can just pay off the house, pay off our debt, buy my parents a house…everything will be just fine.

Why does it always come down to money? Money shouldn’t matter. It really shouldn’t.

I don’t want money to matter. But it does.

I just want everyone around me to be happy. I want them fulfilled and doing what they love and to feel love and be in love and surrounded by love. But I can’t control that…no matter how much I support or give or push. I can’t fix it, I can’t fix others. I can only fix me.

Which usually means staring out into the sea, taking a deep breath, and hoping beyond hope there is light in the darkness and hope in that glorious horizon where the colors blend and bend and the water and sky touch.

Where you can hear the waves in constant motion, yet so rhythmic and soothing.

For my 40th birthday we’re going to Hawaii. I want nothing more than to just feel whole surrounded by the ocean. To put pieces of my life back together. To make things as they should be. Because I’m 40 dammit, and by 40 my life SHOULD be what I want it to be- not what anyone expects it to be or thinks it should be…but what I want.

And what I want, more than anything, if to feel love with sand in my toes and peace given to me from the only element on earth that seems to affect my mood and quiets all the voices in my head.

Maybe it’s because I’m always seemingly panicked or anxiety ridden and rushing around as if the world is on fire…and only water can douse the flames.