I have four incisions.

Two on the right side of my stomach and one on the left. And a large incision that stretches from my belly button down to my pelvis in a less-than-straight line. Of course that last incision annoys me the most because I had worn a bikini for the first time in many, many years…and I will now, again, put that bikini back in the drawer.

The surgery was technically a success. About 13 inches of my colon were removed and my gall bladder, complete with hundreds of impacted stones, taken out. My body is recovering mentally and physically as to be expected. I’m worn down. I’m beat up. And I’m tired. Things hurt all over.

But it could be worse. It always could be worse. And I am home with my family, where I belong.

Mrs. Vest, this is G from Camp Invention. Your son would like to come home early today to cuddle with you.

His poor, anxious mind is already on tomorrow morning, when I’ll undergo surgery on my colon and have my gall bladder removed. He worries so much. Just like his mother. A trait I wished I would not have passed on.

Mom, I’m not going to die ever, so everything will be fine tomorrow.

My daughter’s logic, never fails. Always bold and stubborn. Also just like her mother. A trait I’m glad I passed on. She’s convinced we can’t die and I’m lying to her when I try to explain everyone dies, eventually.

Mom, when I grow up you really are going to die, aren’t you?

What do you think?

I think you are going to die.

and then from the bed…my son tells her …

Hala, you KNOW everyone dies and that’s just the way of life. You just don’t want to have a normal life.

No, I’m going to live always.

But you can’t!

Yes I can!

And there I sat, the night before my surgery, with my five and seven-year olds arguing about death. And I felt alone, and cold, and miserable at the realities they were dealing with because of my inability to be healthy.

She’s five, dancing to Tina Turner in a hot pink outfit, hair flying and having fun.

And I’ve made the decision that tonight, under those stage lights for her dance recital, she won’t be wearing makeup. Not stage makeup, anyway. Call me mean, call me a prude… I don’t really care. I see the ritualistic face-painting not as some way to ‘enhance’ her performance under the lights but to make her look older, more grown-up, and obviously ‘dolled’ up.

…and that creeps me out.

I’ve told her she can paint her nails and toes and wear a little lip gloss. That’s it. Anything else just feels wrong for a five-year old girl having fun in a dance for her family and friends. She doesn’t need to be tarted up to give a good performance or look beautiful up on the stage. She doesn’t need makeup to make her face stand out under the lights or to make sure we see her cheekbones from three rows back. The only reason she would need makeup is to enhance the ‘pretty’- and at five, she’s got ‘pretty’ in spades.

I fully expect half her class to be in sparkly, blue-eyeshadow’d, red rouge, red lipstick regalia. I don’t want her to feel left out or not let her have fun and ‘pretend’ or ‘dress up’ … but there are limits. Limits to what a five-year old on stage can do vs. an eight-year old and so on and so forth. And I’ll deal with each year as it comes and decide what seems appropriate. This isn’t some professional production of a Broadway show…this is a local dance class with parents and grandparents and siblings cheering them on.

As the little girl who just graduated pre-school and is experiencing her first recital, she needs to know she’s beautiful on that stage, she’s comfortable, and she’s FIVE. She’s not a tween, she’s not a teen, she’s not a woman…yet. She’s a little girl having fun hopping around to a classic tune and smiling and dancing her heart out.

The makeup removes a level of innocence. Tarting her up like a pop-star removes a level of innocence and adds a level of sex appeal. And that’s it exactly…there’s letting her play dress up, get in a costume, and then there is letting her think beautiful = dolled up whore.

I’m not letting her start that path at five. She’ll learn it soon enough and it’s all around her already…we’re not adding to that tonight.