Dear Neighbor,

I see you went to John Hopkins University and that your future wife is also went on to higher education, graduating from the University of Virginia . Congratulations! You must be very proud of those accomplishments.

I know you work at highly competitive defense companies in the D.C. metro area too, so you must be quite smart. Humor me a moment then while I ask you some questions. When you went to those institutions of higher learning did you ever take a health class? A health class that taught you, oh I don’t know, that letting your dog crap all over your lawn is NOT healthy for ANYONE? No? You didn’t? Oh. Well, let me give you a little lesson right now.

1. The Home Owners Association (HOA) kindly provides free plastic bags for you to scoop up your pets pooh each time it goes to the bathroom outside. Remember that. EACH TIME your dog goes to the bathroom outside, the owner must pick it up. Say it with me now. I, the owner of a giant yellow lab, will pick up my dog’s crap each time it uses the great outdoors as a bathroom. Good! Great! I would say you take instructions well, but clearly you don’t. Last week I counted six piles of poop on your tiny 6X6 plot of a land you call a front yard. I call it a pile of shit. 2. What happens to owners who don’t pick up after their animals? They get reported. R-E-P-O-R-T-E-D. Reported. To the HOA. Loser. That’s right graduate. You are a loser. Why? Because I have to constantly watch out for feces. Every day. In my own yard. I have reported you a few times now and we all got letters in the mail from the HOA because of YOU. You and your stinky, messy, big poop pile making dog.

Another lesson that you should have learned at this stage in your life as a responsible adult/pet owner is how to hire good help. That cousin or whoever that person is that you took pity on and hired to walk your dog each day DOESN’T. She goes out on your deck and plays on her laptop while yelling at your dog to stop barking. She then lets your dog cop a squat on your front lawn, near the mailboxes, or your other neighbor’s cars and take a big dump. We do love to fertilize our lawns as good suburbanites.

However, I prefer to choose my own brand of manure thank you very much! I’m sick of “catching” her “forgetting” a bag. She’s a dog walker. That is the sole purpose of her job, to walk your dog and pick up its crap. She is clearly lacking in the intelligence your car stickers say you possess. If you don’t fire her soon, I will.

I will lie in wait for her one day and nail her with a bee bee gun right in her waddling butt. I like animals so I won’t fire a round off on your dog. Plus, that would be rude. Just as rude as continuous laziness is as you watch your dog poop everywhere making our tiny Pleasantville a series of land mines to be watched for. Thank you for your time and hopefully future cooperation.

Sincerely,

you’re loving neighbor

P.S. Yes, that was me who left the entire weeks worth of your dog’s crap on your front steps a few months back. Silly me for thinking that alone would teach you how to behave in polite society. Don’t make me torch it next time.

Vicky, a conspiracy lover from the DC Metro area, is a some time freelance writer, constant blogger and an always aspiring novelist. Mother to one Tiny Dictator bearing a striking resemblance to Mussolini she plans coups during her day job and tries to hold down the suburban fort at night.

*all the fun is part of blog exchange! I’m over at Vicky’s place today!