The Kaiser actually made a comment in my previous post. I encourage everyone to see his profile. He’s just trying to show off.

I became a little excited this past weekend when I got a hit on my page from someone in Brunei. I immediately decided it was the Sultan. But then, I didn’t know if they actually had Sultans in Brunei or if I was just recalling a Goldie Hawn movie. But anyway, here is everything you’ve wanted to know about Brunei. Including the fact that it’s Brunei Darussalam-duh.

Sarah is still waiting for a hit from Japan. If anyone knows anyone in Japan who can check out her blog, that would be nice and I’ll mail you a sticker or something.

Yes, I’ve added Google ads to the site. And yes, they are about royalty and fart machines. Because if that’s not my family in a nutshell, I’m really not sure what is.

My mother always said if there was a draft during wartime, she’d strap my brother to her back and swim him to Canada. This was a semi-joke of hers when discussions turned to politics at cocktail parties or family holidays. But it always stuck in my head. So much so, that I began repeating it as an anecdote about my mother.

I never understood what she meant until now.

There is a “Mamma Bear” intensity about this job we call motherhood. I remember feeling it for the first time shortly after the Count was born and the Kaiser and I took him to one of those warehouse shopping places. There I was, in the throws of post pardum, CLUTCHING his car seat. My knuckles were white. My eyes darted from person to person to person. Was this the man that would try and grab him from me? No. This lady, this one here, she looks shifty…she might try and take him away. I sat in the food court area and clung to him. Convinced someone. Anyone, wanted to take him from me. Nevermind the incredible deal these people could get on 19 tons of generic macaroni and cheese and a 32 pack of razors, they were really there to kidnap my newborn son.

I’ve moved on from that feeling. Ok, I’ve sort of moved on from that feeling. Ok, Ok, I no longer have those feelings as often. But now it comes in the form of more sane anxiety. Like the neighbor stealing my kids and selling them into white slavery. Or an earthquake hitting our area and despite the Princess in bed with me and the Count in his bed IN OUR ROOM, I’m unable to get to either of them.

It also pops up in odd places…like the park. Today I left the Princess in the care of a trusted friend by the sandbox and trekked the 12 feet to the bathroom with the toddler in undies. While helping him get his pants down I suddenly remembered a friend’s comments the last time we all went to Chuck E Cheese’s….

“I can’t even let my older boys go to the bathroom in a public place like this…their Dad has to go…you know those molesters love public restrooms…”

So now I’m scoping out the park bathroom area. There’s a Dad (I think he’s a Dad…is he? He kinda looks Dad-ish…maybe) waiting outside the ladies room door. My mind starts spinning. Ok, if he makes a move, I’ll scoop up the Count and run for the Princess. No, wait…I’ll pull the Count and run into the building..the have a phone…but wait..the Princess. Etc. Etc. Etc. Freaking certifiable some days, I tell ya. Of course the nice DAD collected his daughter outside the ladies room and went over to the swings, but I couldn’t help but wonder what if for another 10 minutes or so.

I headed back over to where the kids were playing, collected the Princess, and watched the Count throw sand, yet again. My girlfriend, noticing my distraction, asked me what was wrong…I half embarrassed and half relieved told her my encounter with the fake kidnapper/rapist/murderer at the bathroom. She laughed. I looked at her puzzled. She laughed harder. Then she said…

“You’re a Mom. That’s what WE ALL DO. I was looking at him too. And thinking the same thing.”

So either this is universal, or I hang out with some really f’d up women.

Queen to Kaiser:

“Honey…the baby puked in my mouth! I actually swallowed some!”

“ahahahaahahaha That’s good stuff hahahahahaha”

He loves me. Really he does. And this comes only a day after I recalled the story of how the Kaiser held me down and then farted on me the first time he introduced me to his friends.

BUT (and this is a big BUT) today he cleaned the garage, cooked the Count breakfast, went grocery shopping, got my bling cleaned at the jewlers, cooked dinner, cleaned up dinner, put the Count to bed…and is currently occupying the Princess so I can F’ around on the computer. So I guess I’ll put up with the gas, huh? Oh, and him finding Peanut puke in my mouth not disgusting, but hysterical. I’m dribbling spit up, re-spit up by ME, and he’s cracking up. Must be love.

…ok, that may have been a bit premature. I’m just excited. I’m back in my size 10 jeans. I’m only halfway to my goal of losing all that Princess Peanut Pregnancy weight. But its coming off. Down 2.4lbs at weigh in today. Celebrated with In and Out burger. Oh come on. I gotta have a day here and there where its more than one cup of brown rice and veggies. I’ll be back on track tomorrow and kicking ass and taking names. I’m down 15.2 total. HALF WAY THERE BABY!!!!

The Count just said to the Kaiser after clipping a baby toy onto his arm…”Oh, its beautiful Daddy.”

Last night he killed us too. The Kaiser said “Count…lay down and let me put your PJ’s on you…” The Count laid down right away. The Kaiser said “Good job, thank you.” The Count said
“Yeah, I thought you would like that Daddy.”

Because learning to crawl last week just wasn’t enough…the over-achieving Princess pulled herself up on the stairs and stood today. She obviously doesn’t know her 6-month birthday isn’t until next week. Or that she really shouldn’t be walking and doing long division by Christmas. But whatever, don’t tell her that.

You’d think I’d be a proud Queen. But you see, her first pull-to-a-stand moment of pride came back to back with her first crack-her-head on hard object horror.

Yes, following in the proud Royal Family Tradition, she has a headwound. The Count was famous for headwounds. And not to be outdone, the Princess has chalked her first one up at the mere age of almost 6 months.

See those stairs behind her??? That’s where the stand/tumble took place as I froze instead of lunged to save her. Then came the usual. Panic. How bad is it? Do we need to call the pediatrician? Do we need to go to the ER? Is it popping out like an egg? Is it bruising inward and pooling blood by her brain??? Etc. Etc. Etc. Convinced, in part, by her willingness to crawl right back over and do it again(minus the tumble) I decided she was fine. I think. Good thing that 6 month check up is next week.

A big thank you for all the emails wishing me a happy and better day. Smooch. The pic is for the friend who couldn’t imagine me in glasses. Here I am!

The Count is in his undies. Looking so cute I wanna just eat him up. We were making great potty progress today until I found pee in a tupperware bowl.

Also cheering me up today…news that our friends currently rumpusing in Orlando are transforming one of the guys in the group with a complete makeover. From hair to tanning to glasses and clothing. We’re all dying to see pictures. And I’m sure they will all have stories to tell. The last time this crew got together it was one for the record books (click then scroll down to Lake, Big Lake).

I’m sad today. My Dad isn’t feeling well. This is nothing new, but for some reason its wearing on me this morning. He has a heart condition that’s doing ok…but he also has a form of leukemia which is kicking his ass. He called to talk hockey but I spent the entire conversation listening for clues on his health and mental state. My father PLAYED hockey until he got sick three years ago while I was pregnant with the Count. It just sucks. He and my Mom live across the country and today I’d give just about anything to be watching preseason WITH him instead of reviewing games via phone.

Not helping matters…I keep listening to THIS SONG written after the Tsunami. And now, in light of Katrina, it just tears your heart out. The Kaiser knows my musical taste so well he downloaded it for me…but he may be regretting that when he comes home tonight to a sobbing Queen.

A friend of ours lost his job this morning.
The Count’s hives have returned.
All of our friends have reunited for a funfilled weekend in Florida but we were unable to go. I miss them.
I woke up to that exploding bus on the news.
Rita can bite me.
I officially have to wear glasses now.
The Count just fell down the stairs and nailed his knee.
I’m going back to bed.

Somewhere between saying I’d NEVER send my two year old off to preschool and waiting for the hot water heater repair man this morning, the Count was enrolled at Little Shepard Nursery School. He starts Tuesday and I’m already a basketcase.

I talked to the director today (sweet 70-something woman who you just KNOW swears like a sailor at home) and she, in no uncertain terms, informed me that the heir to the throne will not have a spot in January or next Fall unless he’s enrolled NOW. She encouraged us to at least “try it out” and explained to me just how qualified their teachers are with surly two and a half-year olds. So out of fear the Count will be school-less next Fall…we went to Target this morning. He got a backpack (which he refuses to put on his back), Thomas the Tank Engine underwear (which he peed in twice before lunch), and some pull ups. As you can imagine, I have some big reservations about all of this. But…here we are. Today at lunch the Count wanted to show off what he would be doing at school with his apple juice and FORCED me to video his cup sipping abilities for the Kaiser. He’s such a big kid. Yet such a little one.

In other news the Mormons are at my door. Again. Seriously, do they really think this works? DOES this actually work? I mean, do people open the door, listen to them, and suddenly throw their hands in the air and say “Well, hot damn! Sign me up!”

I am forever waiting for the hot water heater guy. No hot water means no showers, no dishwashing, no dryer. But in my twisted mind its also a great excuse not to cook dinner or vacuum today too.