It was a weekend of food and football at our house. With the Queen Mother in town, mothering anyone and anything she could get her hands on. Poor Houseboy’s girlfriend tried her best to make that great first impression we all want with our mate’s parents. She baked amazing cookies (which the Queen Mother deemed not fattening enough and ended up sandwiching ice cream between two of them–does that paint a picture of what I’m working against here?) and she sat through a gazzillion football games with my sports-crazed clan. Somewhere in the middle of this I heard

“Its NOT a yellow ribbon.”

“Well it looks like a ribbon.”

“Its a FLAG. A penalty flag.”

“Ok, so its a bean sac with a yellow ribbon?”

Poor girl. She’s trying. She really is. She’s baking and attempting to grasp football. She’ll get there. I hope. Or she’ll be gone before Christmas.

I’ve gotten my very first bizarre Search that landed on my blog. Thanks to the sicko looking for naked Laurie Berkner photos???

freshman berkner naked picture

All other searches have, no doubt, disappointed many Spaniards looking for information on their monarchy.

The Queen Mother has landed. The whole “toddler holding up sign that reads, Nana in crayon” at the airport was a HUGE success. Even other random people from her flight were crying.

So far I’ve only wanted to kill her once. For commenting on how stained my carpet appears. I told her to feel free to steam clean it, or teach my toddler not to spill. Her choice.

Tonight you got ahold of a pizza crust. You got a hold of it, and you wouldn’t give it up. As you sat on the living room floor, dejected and ANGRY I took the crust away from you, a wave of panic came over me. PANIC.

I sincerely hope you never have to diet. I wish you your father’s metabolism and ability to use and eat food as it was intended-nourishment.
May you never use food for comfort. Or out of boredom.
May a family member never call you one of the “bubblebutt sisters” in our rather round clan. May you never, ever have to go with me (like I did with my mother) to a Weight Watcher meeting.
May you always fit into the clothes in a boutique.
May you always look forward to bathingsuit shopping.
May you continue with athletics AFTER college.
May you find a wonderful partner that loves you even if you balloon up or slim down.
May you never, ever know what its like to suddenly realize you are not a thin girl anymore. And panic about what to do about it.
And know that I did not take that crust away from you because I’m worried about your weight. You are a fat, happy, healthy baby. As you should be. May I NEVER do anything to make you even blink about your self image. I took that crust away because you are only 6 months old. And I didn’t want you to choke and die. Nothing more, nothing less. And while I also don’t wish your brother weight problems, I know all too well that us girls seem to deal with that subject differently. So here’s wishing its never a subject we deal with together.
As for your mother. The Queen. I’ll always strive to give you a good example. I’ll be healthy. I’ll be fit. I’ll never be fat again. For myself, but also..for you.

The Queen

That means I’m cleaning. Like a maniac. Because despite the fact that she is my Mother and will clean for me when she gets here, I still want this palace to sparkle…at least for the first day she’s in town. It also means there is an air of stress floating around.
I’m stressed with cleaning. And the fact the Queen Mother has no idea I blog. I don’t mean to hide this from her, but due to my father’s illness I wanted a place to vent. And I knew if she read it, she’d cry more than usual. And be upset that I was upset. And so on and so on. My mother and I are very close. So its a little difficult to hide this from her. But one post about how I’m having a crappy day because of my father’s leukemia and she’d be destroyed emotionally for a month. So I’ll spend the next week sneaking into the office to post here, or I’ll let the Kaiser post some. The Kaiser says he’s making no promises, but I’m guessing he’ll be making his own brand of blog wise cracks on here before Wednesday. The Queen Mother’s impending arrival also means the Kaiser is stressed. He loves my mother, but she also makes him insane. He KNOWS she will arrive and proceed to rearrange the entire kitchen he, himself, unpacked. She also has a way of getting him to not play video games and instead, say, clean the garage. Houseboy is also in freak out mode. Because he’ll be introducing his new girlfriend to my mother. The girlfriend is already baking in preparation for the big meeting. I gotta hand it to her. She’s no dummy. They way to this family’s heart is most certainly through our stomachs. The Count is also stressed. Last night I had him make one of those goofy airport welcome signs for his Nana. After art all day at school, he had about had it with my pushing of the crayons. But, I prevailed. And now my mother can cry like a baby when she steps off the plane and sees her grandson holding a big, crayola “NANA” sign. I think the Princess may be the only one not stressed out. But we’re pretty sure she’s getting an ear infection from last week’s snotfest. So she’s too happy and hopped up on infant tylenol to notice all the chaos. So. Welcome Nana. I’m sure you’ll make us all nuts before your week here is out. I’m sure you’ll blow my diet to hell with your midwest cooking all week. I’m sure you’ll give my son waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much sugar. And I have no doubt I’ll be simultaneously cursing and praising you for the next 7 days.

I’m trying my damnedest to be more Mommyfabulous. Its my new mission. My new motto. My new everything. BE MORE MOMMYFABULOUS. I’ve gotten into this mind set in part because of guilt. In part because of weight loss. And in part, because I always feel like I should be doing more than just nursing the Princess and sitting on my ass. While some of you might argue that nursing and sitting is just fine…and most days I agree…I can’t help but think that I can nurse and say, empty the dishwasher. OR, nurse and do a craft with the Count. Sure, I suck at crafts, but work with me here. So here goes. In my effort to be more Mommyfabulous I, the Queen of Spain, vow:

To try and actually brush my hair more than once a day. Even add a funky scarf or something.

To try and wear something other than sweatpants 4 times a week.

To try and turn OFF PBS kids and engage in play with the heirs to the throne.

To leave the house and play outside.

To only blog and goof around on the computer when the Princess is nursing.

To keep up with the dishes/laundry, etc. DAILY.

To get a pedicure and/or paint my toenails.

To read a book for myself instead of All Dr. Suess All the time.

Have more sex.

Today, for example, I actually pulled off to the side of the road after school to get out of the car and show the Count an actual, real life excavator. I’m feeling more Mommyfabulous already. Won’t you join me?

Ok, so yesterday was a little heavy. It started off innocently enough…then whammo with the perverts. Since that whole episode actually left me feeling rather dirty, I scrapped my HNT post and decided I’ll save it for another Thursday. The Kaiser says the only thing missing from my blog is boobies. So I was going to appease him today. He, and you, will just have to wait. Instead I give you this: Thanks to Stranded in Suburbia, another bad, bad girl. What can I say…we’re both from Detroit. I was laughing at the questions on this one. Because apparently I’m a horrible, horrible person. I’d still kiss your boyfriend, by the way. What kind of girl are you?

You Are a Bad Girl

You are 20% Good and 80% Bad You’re a total bad girl, from your wild hair to tattooed toes. But you’re too badass to even care if you’re labeled “bad”!

I’ve had to remove this photo of the Count at my Flickr site. Why? Because its gotten about 3 dozen more “views” than any other photo. Am I being paranoid? Maybe. But I also can’t think of a reason, other than SICK FUCKS, that its getting so many hits. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m upset I can’t share a photo of my cute kid’s new undies while we potty train. Such is the way of the Internet. Now I know. And all you other parents should know too. Which is why I felt I had to post about this. Go take a look at your public photos, just in case. And to the BASTARDS, you’ll get yours. Every Mom will make sure of it. I got the Housewife Mafia with me now too. We’ll make sure of it. Watch your back asshole.

Go ahead. Say it. I’m the Man. I’m Big Brother. I’m Overprotective. I’m a prude. Tom & Jerry has been banished from the Royal Boob Tube. Add to that list Bugs Bunny, Wile E. & Road Runner, Yosemite Sam, Teen Titans, Batman, and Justice league.

So why the sudden Commie Censorship, you ask? Simple. Let a 2-and a half-year-old watch a mouse hit a cat with a frying pan and you are just asking for trouble. And nothing, I mean nothing, good comes from the Count watching Wile E. fall off a cliff. Case in point: playground diving. You heard me right. Playground diving. And its exactly what you think it is. Put one toddler on a tall, wooden playground structure and watch him run, full speed OFF THE EDGE, throw his legs parallel to the ground and land on his ass. In the 40 plus years the director of our nursery school has been watching kids, mine is the FIRST one to do this on her playground. Do I blame Warner Brothers? Of course not. But I’m certainly not going to encourage this behavior. Just like I’m also not going to cook with the the kids in the kitchen and be surprised when the Count whacks the Princess with the frying pan.

No one suffers more from this than the Kaiser. He loves these shows. He watches them when the kids are not around. So to him, I apologize. But Mamma’s gotta keep the peace. And I’m sure it will only last a few more years. You know, when the Count knows better. (editor’s note: I seriously can not breathe I’m laughing so hard after typing that last line.)