…and the results are in…

No, I haven’t won a fabulous trip to the Bahamas or anything. Just a good dose of…drumroll please…….

Post Partum Panic/Anxiety disorder. with a shot of post traumatic stress disorder (too many years of news reporting)

Treatment: drugs, yoga, walks, education on this “medical condition,” therapy. (note medical condition remains in quotes. i will admit this is a real, medical diagnosis when i’m ready, dammit. my new mantra is: its a medical condition, not a weakness. its a medical condition, not a weakness. its a real, medical condition, not a fake, woman problem. this is not my fault. this is not my fault. this is not my fault. i can not control this. i can not control this)

Feeling: humbled. Emotionally spent. like a burden. weak for having to go. strong for having gone. tired. Relieved. uncertain. scared. exposed. a little better. a little worse. somewhat humiliated. somewhat encouraged. hopeful.

In need of: reassurance. family time. kaiser time. reassurance. reassurance. a medical degree. a martini. reassurance. lots of books on post partum depression and panic disorder. reassurance.

**editor’s note: It landed in the severe category. we got the cheap co-pay. and that is my silver lining. i didn’t have to crazy it up or anything.


  1. You’re right, it’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’s not weakness. But you’re warming up to that on your own, I know how that feels 🙂

    I’m very proud of you. Big time impressed with your strength and wisdom in sorting all this out this far. It’s hard, and your brain, which is supposed to be helping, is sometimes just telling you more confusing stuff. (Like I said, been there, done that!)

    When you’re ready, take a big step back and look at how far you’ve already come.

  2. Well, with the joy of military medicine I haven’t been able to get in with the “crazy doctor” yet, but I’ve got my GP visit set up for Thursday.

    Hope my visit goes as… well? as yours did. Hang in there, and just know that getting help is the greatest thing you can do for you and the family.

  3. To echo what Jen said, I’m also proud of you. You’re going to come out of this with flying colors – at your own time and pace.

  4. My mother was told, by military doctors, for years that her depression was all in her head. She lost my brother at 5mo gestation and another baby in the 1st trimester. By the time she had me 2 yrs later she was full blown depressed. If she thought she would have a caring physician who would listen, she would be a much better person today. Kudos to you for reaching out and getting help. I heard and saw my mom’s struggles and knew I had to watch for it myself. Good luck and I really do hope things get better. (Sounds like you have a very supportive family and that means more than medicine sometimes)

    I’m done babbling =0)

  5. I just got teary-eyed reading your post. I remember going through a lot of what you’re feeling right now.

    You did the right thing, and it’s so not your fault. Tom Cruise be damned, post-partum depression/anxiety is very real, and this medical condition can take your life from you and leave you as a shell of your former self.

    I can now understand why it happens. When you have a baby, your body dumps all those excess hormones pronto. Nine months to build up hormones, and a few days to dump the majority of them. It can easily throw your body’s internal balance out of whack.

    Sounds like you have a great treatment plan. I know it’s scary, but just remember you’re working towards getting back to being you again: a person who isn’t gripped with fear of something happening to your children all the time, and a person who will get dressed most mornings (hey, we all deserve at least a *few* days of lounging in our PJs).

    I’ve taken a few different drugs for my depression, so if you have any questions about your drugs, let me know and maybe I can tell you personal experiences.

  6. I can tell you this. That it takes a lot to move something that you understand in your HEAD to be understood in your HEART/GUT.

    Don’t feel bad for “knowing” that it’s a medical condition and can’t be helped but still “feeling” like it’s your fault and you did something wrong. It’s a constant battle – I struggle with it a lot.

    It sounds like you have a lot of positive support and a good plan for yourself. And, I know that based on your readership, you are seriously making a difference for someone out there that has the same stuff going on but perhaps was not able to reach out.

    Good for you. And F Tom Cruise.

  7. I’m proud of you for having gone! It WILL get better. Promise.

  8. Count me in as another one who is very proud of you!

    This is not your fault, you are not a failure.

    I’ll be there in March (hopefully), and we’ll have a martini!

    loveya 🙂

  9. Ditto – it’s not your fault! I’m glad you’re finding help.

  10. It is not your fault, it is not a crazy woman thing, it is not your fault, it is a medical condition, it is okay, it is going to get okay, you ARE okay.

    (a little reassurance for you!)

  11. Big hugs and CONGRATS for doing something about it. It must be a relief (well kind of) to have a name and treatments in front of you, kind of a validation that your NOT crazy. Take it easy

  12. well, any assurance we here in the blogosphere can give you, consider it yours.

    it takes stregnth to get help. good luck with it.

  13. I echo the others my friend, so proud. 🙂 You will start to slowly get better and move forward from this. One day you’ll be able to help others with what you are facing now.

    Cheers, huge HUGE hugs, and wishing you some R&R. 🙂

  14. Hey, welcome to the world of official diagnosis. It really is better this way. Really. I think. Isn’t it? Yes. Or is it? OK, yes. Anyway, welcome to it. I think indecision is a part of all this…

  15. I offer you hugs and kudos. You are getting the help you need for your medical condition.

    Yes. Hugs. Medical condition.

  16. You are not crazy. This IS a medical condition, this ISN’T your fault, BE REASSURED. BE REASSURED. You are a strong, strong woman who has a very real MEDICAL condition. lllllllllllllllll, szzzzz
    sorry… child decided to play on computer!
    Reassurance. Reassurance.

  17. The ladies have said it all! I am proud of you my friend! I have my occasional meltdown and my ladies for the occasional tuneup. Everyone needs help and take it from somone who knows…. things can only get better now! YAY!

  18. Sounds like you’re in good hands. How about a post on how you chose your therapist? It seems like the start of such a personal doc/pt relationship, and I often wonder how folks end up with the ‘right’ person. I mean picking an OB or a pediatrician is hard enough, right? How do you pick the doc that will get to hear about all your darkest thoughts and brightest hopes?

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