Foolin’ the Public

I’m going to tell you something about the Kaiser that will SHOCK you. Because I feel he currently has you all snowed with his “I am such a supportive husband! Watch me cook! Clean! Change Diapers! Make my wife mojitos and t-shirt logo’s” thing.

He forgot my very first Mother’s Day.

No really. It was late afternoon before he even SAID “Happy Mother’s Day.”

He’s going to tell you he really didn’t forget. He was just so very busy with work that week he didn’t get a chance to get anything. And he’ll also tell you that he didn’t SAY “Happy Mother’s Day” because he wanted to wait until he could hand me his gift.

So on my very first Mother’s Day, I sobbed while nursing the Count, watching Kobe Bryant wish his wife a very Happy First Mother’s Day on tv. KOBE F’ING BRYANT. Who then promptly walked off the court and screwed some hotel worker up the ass.

HE wished HIS wife a Happy First Mother’s Day. And he’s got to be up there on the “Craptacular Husband” list. Although, he may have been bumped off the list after buying that ring and turning into a very whipped man.

Anyway, the Kaiser made up for his little Mother’s Day faux pas the next year. He woke me with champagne, chocolate, and jewelry. Then a fantastic trip to Santa Barbara.

Last year, I got PJ’s I picked out and asked for.

Now, the Kaiser is going to tell you that this is a sham of a holiday anyway. And I shouldn’t be so emotional about it. He’s probably right.

But I’m a gift girl and I’ve always liked to be fussed over. So if ONE DAY of the YEAR I want to be told I’m the BEST MOTHER in the world. I say…DEAL.

I’m happy to make a fuss out of Father’s Day. Thrilled, really.

And I don’t think I’d have such high expectations for Mother’s Day had the man not screwed up the first one so very badly. NOW it’s an event. NOW it’s an issue. And NOW, I want it to be everything Hallmark and sappy phone commercials tell me it’s supposed to be.

Is it right? Is it sane?

Not really. But that’s just the way it is. And I’m fine with it.

So, you know, no pressure honey. But your son made me this at school, and I’m just not sure you can top it.

And that last line was NOT your get-out-of-jail-free card.

I fully expect you to try. Give more of an effort than Kobe, and we’ll be just fine.


  1. Since my husband and his siblings grew up JWs, they never celebrated holidays. I told my husband that Mother’s Day is the only day of the year that I want him to remember. He can forget our anniv, not that he ever does, I’d forgive him. I waited so long to have kids, did things the “right” way (whatever that means) and dammit, I know I’m a good mom. My brother in law told his parents and sister in front of me and my husband that Mother’s Day is a Hallmark holiday. You can say that any day of the year BUT Mother’s Day and I would agree. I just had my first child and was still in awe that I was finally a mom. He ruined the day for me and didn’t even acknowledge that he hurt my feelings even after his brother told him. I’ll take my one day of the year and I’ll make it all about me cause I don’t see any men popping watermelons out of a pea hole (that sounds so, well, wrong – pea hole) Anywhoo, yeah for moms and I hope everyone has a great day!!

    For the record, my husband makes me gorgeous hand drawn cards that make me cry. He’s good people. He gets some every Mother’s Day. He likes Mother’s Day. A lot.

  2. I did not forget the first Mother’s Day. I had a grand plan, and it flopped miserably because I was spending the weekend working to get another job so I could afford to buy your love. Did it take me until the afternoon? Yes. Did I forget? No. Basically, this was the proverbial surprise party for Grandpa, only when everyone jumped out and yelled Surprise! they gave him a heart attack.

    Now then, since we’re on the subject I think it should be made known that you have asked me nearly EVERY DAY for the past 4 weeks if I’ve bought you your gift yet. Do you know what a souless and meaningless act it is to BUY something for someone just because that’s the only way to make them happy? Thank you for the material goods. You have officially purchased my love for another year. Start thinking about how much my love will cost you next year.

    So, I’ve made an executive decision. I will no longer be celebrating Mother’s Day this way. I will no longer purchase your love. Want to have a family picnic on Mother’s Day? I’m in. Want me to take the kids for a long walk so you can take an hour long hot bath? Done. Want me to buy you something for the sole purpose of keeping you from getting mad at me? Sorry, find another husband. I’m done with that.

    So…who wants to date the Kaiser? Let the bidding begin!

  3. Slipshod WORKED through my first Mother’s Day. I don’t ask for much, I’m awful at coming up with ideas for Father’s Day and his birthday and Christmas… but being home would be nice.

    Since then he’s brought home flowers every year. Is it wrong for me to gripe that they come from Safeway or the people who sell roses on the street corner? Heh…

  4. Gabe didn’t even get me a card on the first Valentine’s Day after we were married.

    I’m still mad.

  5. DAMN, boy! Hee hee.

  6. Um… BTW Kaiser, at the risk of pissing off the Queen (not to mention Slipshod), *I* want to date you! PLEASE come up here and take me and the kid to the park for a family picnic! Hell, the back yard would do. In fact, that would probably be better… the park gets way too crowded on a regular weekend – Mother’s Day weekend it’s probably packed to the gills. But now I’ve just gone off and left my hands typing…

    In other rambling, Slipshod wants to know why the Kaiser is called the Kaiser. He wants to know if you have a roll, Kaiser. I laughed and said, “I don’t even know what that means!” I mean, I know what a kaiser roll is, but coming from Slipshod it seemed like it was probably a dirty joke that I wasn’t getting.

  7. Ok,now I’m in trouble. How did I get in trouble here????

    Seriously. The man can’t remember dentist appts. So I spend the last few weeks MAKING sure he’s prepared. And suddenly I’m the bad guy.


  8. This year will be my first Mother’s Day, so I’m anxious to see how it will turn out. I have a feeling it will be quite similar to yours. My husband is not the most romantic gift-giving man — this year was the first of 4 years that I actually got something on Valentine’s Day. So while I want to be pampered on Mother’s Day, I’m trying not to get my hopes up. Even if it IS circled in red on the calendar!

  9. Is this yet another one of those scenarios where I should have put stars *** around almost every sentence up there in this post to show my sarcasim and tone??? Is that why I’m in trouble?

  10. Okay, this was hilarious. Sarcasm and wit noted. And um, secretly between me and you, I agree. Why not make the day FABULOUS. We all deserve treats. Totally.

  11. Honestly? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten anything for mother’s day.

    I’m not expecting anything this year, either. My boss told me I didn’t have to work that day, and when I ran it past the man, he was all “I really don’t care if you work it or not…”


  12. That’s my WHOLE POINT Bethany! Let’s not make it a secret anymore!

    But apparently if we try to hard to not make it a secret and be very direct about what we want and how we want it. That’s bad too.

    So I give up.

    Who’s got a solution?

  13. My first Mother’s Day was about 3 weeks after my son was born (he’s six now). There we were, new parents, exhausted, clueless, and my ever-the-pleaser husband wants to make sure my first Mother’s Day is special and memorable. He took the baby shopping with him (grocery store maybe?) and, while buying other things, picked out a card. Baby started screaming and crying and crying and screaming (he was and still is a high-strung little guy). Husband tries to look through cards, but quickly grabs one that will just have to do.
    When I open it on Mother’s Day and read the front of the card, it says something like,”To the Mother of our Blended Family…Thank you for making all of our children feel like they are your own..” I just about bust a gut laughing. He felt so stupid. We don’t have a blended family. It’s just us 2 and the new baby. I’ve saved the card and will always remember it as my husband trying so hard (as he always does) to make me happy.

    Mother’s Day is supposed to be (I believe) all about “the Mom.” So, I say, whatever The Mom wants, she should get. If it’s alone time, done. If it’s a pedicure, done. If it’s a family picnic, done. Whatever you want, Kaiser should do for you. That’s just my $0.02.

  14. I can’t even remember what we did for Mother’s Day last year – how sad is that? If I recall, I think Aaron was in a play, so he was away performing part of the day.

    I drop hints as to what I want. Of course, he doesn’t always pay attention to those hints. So I guess I have no solution for you.

  15. I buy the gifts for my mother-in-law, grandmother-in-law and my Granny. I’m lucky if I get a slice of bacon at the family brunch while he chows down (since I’m holding the baby usually).
    Mother’s Day IS a sham. In my house, anyway!

  16. Umm hello? Kaiser? I think you’re cute and all and if I knew the Queen and my own Goofball husband wouldn’t get mad, we could go on a date. But see, thing is…you’ve got an amazing wife who loves you and spends all day with two children. Granted you work long 12 hour days so you both pay your parental dues….but just imagine if you had to stay home with those two beautiful babies ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, with no break. They go pee with you, they take showers with you, they won’t leave your side for a second. You’d go pretty crazy in a hurry and just want ONE thing, whether it’s “store bought” or not, from your spouse to show how much you care (she ALREADY knows you love her)…

    She’ll do the same for you on Father’s Day…I just know it.

    (hopes I haven’t outstepped my boundaries….) 🙂

  17. Well my husband has done okay for my last two Mother’s Days (although so far things are not looking good for this one). But..Birthday’s he’s awful. Now for his birthday I’ve always gotten his gifts weeks or at least days in advanced. Planned a nice meal and some “adult” entertainment! But mine has always been an afterthought to him. Last year. He handed me the Dr. Phil “Family First” book still in the Walmart bag and then took me to his family reunion(people he never speaks to, including his mother)!! I’m just bitter!

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