I vote we all start calling Father’s Day what it really is: Guaranteed Blow Job Day.

Don’t act all coy. Or shocked. You know you either got one or gave one. It’s just some unwritten rule. Father’s Day. Birthday. Way to Get a Raise Day-Equals guaranteed Blow Job.

There are rules to the guaranteed blow job. You must initiate. You must think of it as ALL about him, expecting nothing in return. And you only get to take off your pants too if he makes it clear this isn’t a one-way encounter.

So while your husband ate his kid-made toast and opened up another popsicle stick birdhouse (or in our case a homemade stool and beer coolies) he knew, that you knew, that he knew, that you knew that he was getting a BJ later.

Who started this and why isn’t there a female equivalent? I mean, I know there is a female equivalent, but what I’m saying is…is there a guaranteed —fill in the blank—Day for wives?

On your birthday, do you know there is something you will get? More than 10 minutes to shower without a screaming child outside the door? Sleeping in? Meals cooked that you don’t have to clean up? While I can say those things happen on Mother’s Day or my birthday…I can’t say they are guaranteed.

Before you start yelling about me about how I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, let me stop you. I want to give him a blow job. It’s his special day and I know it’s what he wants. Trust me, he wants that more than a tie. Maybe less than a new iPod, but more than a tie. But maybe more than an iPod. Anyway, I don’t see it as my “duty” or anything. I enjoy making him happy. I enjoy giving him what he wants. But when did it go from unexpected to a maybe, to a “yeah, it’s Father’s Day, it’s totally going to happen”?

AND, at what point in our marriages did we all just realize this was the way it went? Because let’s face it…you can laugh and shake your head at me all you want-But I know, that you know, that I know, that you know, that I know you did it too.


  1. I bought him a $300 drill. (On eBay, for much less, but still.)

    Erin, I’m not biting. No pun intended. Biting would be bad. Ow.

    I will say, that you are a ‘cunning linguist.’ And this fairy tale you weave for fathers everywhere? It will get no play at my house. Daren and I are clear on one thing: his ‘Annual’ is reserved for his birthday.

    Father’s Day is for homemade shit from the rugrats, and power tools from the wife. My jaw is sponsored by Dewalt this year.

  2. Karen, I’m crying I’m laughing so hard.

    So what your saying is…there is another rule…a big or expensive gift from the wife negates the blow job guarantee.

    Hmmmm….BUT, you do admit his birthday is a gauranee. So there is a gbjd in your house.

  3. Whoa – I guess my husband’s missing out. Since we don’t have kids, Father’s Day is more of a spend time with his crazy in-laws (my parents) kind of day than wait for the BJ kind of day.

    I love the prioritizing – more than a tie, less than an iPod… GBJD. Priceless.

  4. Bwaahahaha…it’s NEVER a guarantee. There’s A TON of fine print. GBJD can be thwarted by headache, menstrual cramps, upset stomach, heartburn, hunger, feeling too full, bloating, incorrect tampon insertion (you know, when it sticks out just a little but you can’t take it out and start over because you’re nearing the end of your period and if you did try to take it out it would feel like your whole uterus was coming out with it because it simply isn’t BLOODY enough yet? That feeling. Yeah. How’s your breakfast?)
    There’s many more things in that there fine print. It’s like a freaking credit card application.

  5. I’d also like to add: sick kids, constantly waking kids, and anytime there are guests in the house.

    That covers it, I think.

  6. Gee… I got a cake…

  7. Oh great. Now you’ve dangled the concept of fatherhood=blowjobs in front of hundreds of thousands of males everywhere who otherwise would qualify as nothing but delinquent dads.


  8. Oh Kapgar my dear…males who don’t deserve the BJ are automatically disqualified. I mean, those are the ones who’s wives don’t want to touch them anyway.

  9. RATS! My husband has NOT heard of this and now the cat is out of the bag. Way to go Spain!

  10. Dammit! I wish I had read this yesterday so I could show it to the wifey! 🙁

  11. How did you know?

  12. I KNEW it wasn’t just me. Thank you for being honest kfk.

  13. Doesn’t work that way in my house… in fact, my husband is all that “excited” about blowjobs. He’s a sex guy. Just likes a good fuck…
    Didn’t even get that yesterday since his fucking company sent him to fucking baltimore first thing – on fucking father’s day… i’m not bitter, though. Not bitter that he’ll be gone until friday night and they sucked father’s day away from him. nope. not bitter…

  14. i meant he ISN’t all that “excited” – oops. i was wallowing in not being bitter…

  15. you called it! gbjd in my house, too . . .

  16. Remind me not to point Joe towards your site, so that he doesn’t realize what he’s missing out on. (he did get some though)

  17. My poor hubbie… all he got was a radio flyer wagon and a t-shirt with little painty handprints on it.
    He wouldn’t admit it… but I will bet he’d trade both for a good old fashioned “hamburger”

    *** At our house… sex is steak.. other things are hamburger. My mother always told me in high school “don’t give them steak if all they want is a good hamburger.” I think she saved me a lot of stress and $$ wasted on preg. tests. 🙂

  18. The ONE time that my husband reads a blog other than my own — who does he choose?? The Queen. And why did he choose this blog? Because he heard me talking about the Queen and her fantastic garden pictures. So hubby goes to look at my blog, clicks on the blogroll and gets to the Queen. SKIPS the entry about the famous movie digital artist and reads THIS entry and says “Hey honey — that Queen lady gave the Kaiser Roll guy a bj and she was happy to do it. So, yenno, I know, you know that I was hoping and you know, I know you’ve been busy, but umm…so…. do I get a rain check?” My response: “You can read????”

    He would have commented himself, but I had a job to do.

  19. All I can say is..


    I think that covers it.

    Your hubby loves us “loggers” now, doesn’t he?

  20. Hi there Queen! Got here via Dana.

    Ummmm, am I the only woman who expects the female equivalent from her boyfriends on a (fairly) regular basis? Or have I just lucked out and been spoiled by the guys I’ve dated, all of whom have been as eager to “give” as “receive” in this paricular area?

    Or is this just a “married” thing and I wouldn’t understand?

    *praying that my mom doesn’t find this blog*


  21. ACK! “Particular,” that is.


  22. This was a fantastic post of unprecedented quality. Thank you for giving me greater insight on guaranteed blowjobs.

    I’d have to say that my own jaw personally is sponsored by SoBe and several vegan brands, but whatever.

  23. Rob Little says:

    If married women would increase the frequency of oral sex, their husbands would not accept a guaranteed blow job on father’s day and their birthdays.

  24. that’s all i wanted. dissapointed again

  25. You mean EVERY day is Guaranteed Blow Job Day?

    I better not let my partner see this 😉

Speak Your Mind