Turning Off the Mom

You know the hot date with your husband isn’t getting off on the right foot when you’re doing u-turns and on the phone with 4-1-1 trying to find the restaurant.

annoyed and saying things like โ€œGoddammit, Erin” and I’m desperately trying to make lame jokes in an attempt to relieve the tension. You know, only to further annoy the husband.
We had babysitters. We had showers. (what? Sometimes that’s harder than it seems with two kids) and we had an anniversary gift of cold hard cash to fund our night of kidless debauchery.

But we couldn’t find the fucking restaurant.

Of course it was exactly where we thought it was and we had passed it several times, but when it comes to hidden Italian places in Suburbia that have changed their name and tucked themselves into the only corner of a strip mall not visible to those living in this town for the past 7 years, people are bound to be late.

And after some calamari and wine, I begin to push the kids and the, โ€œI wonder if the baby tried that stair jump thing she does when I’m standing in front of her with her grandma and has cracked her head open, because I forgot to warn grandma that she sometimes jumps from that one, particular stair? thoughts out of my head.

And I relax.


Then came the martini bar, and two grey goose with blue cheese olives, and I’m actually hitting up the owner of the place up for his babysitter info.

I’m so sad.

I can’t get out for one night with my husband and just relax. No. I have to get drunk and pester the barkeep about where he found his really good babysitter that he takes on vacation with him and oh, can I have her number, and you pay her how much? Cool and let’s exchange info and yeah, we’ll have one more drink so you can tell me more about your babysitter!

I suck.

I think when the baby weans (whenever that is) the Kaiser and I should take a short vacation. But that thought already has me feeling guilty.

I. Can’t. Shut. Off. The. Mom.


  1. How could you possibly do that? You ARE a Mommy. You can’t just turn it on and off. You have two very young children…I think I’d worry about you if you could shut off Mommy that easily. Can the Kaiser just flip a switch and turn off Daddy? (I think it’s easier for men though.)

    Oh, wait…you were drinking? And the baby hasn’t weaned yet? Hmm…I think I will send you some anonymous hate mail. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. It’s okay to be a Mom all the time.

    But you should probably stop pestering bartenders.

  3. We did the vacation thing this summer. I highly recommend it.

  4. Highly recommend a vacation… I’d recommend 4 days – two two disconnect and two to have fun… Husband and I got in a quick 48 hour vacation two weekends ago – well worth it!

  5. In a complete non-sequitur…
    I never bothered to take your old blog off my RSS reader, and suddenly, today, there is a pilates ad in my blogroll. It confused me for a while, then I looked at the address line and figured it out. I always wondered what happens to old blogs when their owners move on to bigger, better places. I should never have wondered. This is America, after all…

  6. happy anniversary y’all. our anniversary was last week too and we did dinner and a movie. managed to keep our attention off the kids for most of the dinner, then saw “little miss sunshine,” that loving tribute to dysfunctional families, then we got into a fight on the way home. i guess that was our version of talking about the kids all night.

    and i wholeheartedly support the vacation idea. we’ve done it twice and didn’t regret a minute of it. we just talked to the grandparents/kids every day and that kept me ok. also, it helped that we were vacationing with others who don’t have kids. they kept us honest.

  7. Been there done it a zillion times, I can totally identify.

  8. Yep…our last night out was JUST like that.
    We were exhausted after having survived a kiddy birthday party and a birthday visit to the inlaws.

    Took a whole bottle of wine to have me even REMOTELY relaxed and then I was just too tired.

    Any “sexy” comments or advances my hubby made just irritated the heck out of me.

    Then we came home to a story of how my mom (babysitter) had been calling us..didn’t hear the phone…and Adam had been puking all night long!

    We will never go out again.

  9. Happy Anniversary and I second Gretchen’s 4 day vacation advice. You’ll call home every day and you’ll probably spend plenty of time talking about the kids, but the rest of the time it’s just the two of you. Alone. To do whatever you want whenever you want. It’s sooooo worth it.

  10. Hey I understand. I have the same problems. When I try to think of a topic that doesn’t relate to the baby, I can’t. It’s what I do all day, so I don’t really have any other stories!

  11. I don’t know how to shut it off either. I actually, sometimes, feel guilty leaving Dawson home with Doug so I can go out with my sister. Am I nuts?

  12. Oh sista, do I ever hear ya! I can’t go to the gym for an hour without calling home to make sure he’s okay.

  13. If you ever figure out HOW to shut it off, please share. I’m at a loss for this as well.

    Oh – and I recently went to read you from my blogroll and got this site http://qofsandkids.blogspot.com/. Weird. I’ll have to fix that.

  14. THANK YOU! I love your writing, and wish you would seriously consider dumping the hubby so I can marry you. Barring that, I suppose I’ll have to settle for linking to you and reading the ongoing adventures. Keep us laughing!

  15. I would say I understand but never actually having HAD a babysitter for my three kids I can’t quite connect.
    We did fly my mother in from out of state so we could go see WICKED…..but it was just the one time and all we did was feel bad about leaving them.
    Totally disfunctional.

  16. Trip to Napa Valley would do you good.

  17. whew, and I thought I had problems. From reading this post I can see that you’d clearly benefit from a vacation with mister right. Go away for two nights. That’s all. Leave in the morning, so you’ve got all day to call and call and call… and then you’ll feel so great from a night of the kind of sex you have when their are no children around, followed by a snack in bed at three am and sleeping till noon that you’ll never want see your kids again. You’ll just want to write them letters that say “I love you” on post cards from all the many places you are traveling to.

  18. You should definitely plan a vacation! We had four days together a few years ago (husband working in Nashville, boys on Spring Break and staying with Grandma) and it was HEAVENLY!

  19. It is so hard to turn off that mommy thing isn’t it? lol…Don’t worry, it will eventually be very easy for you. It gets so much easier as they get older ๐Ÿ™‚

    By the way, I’m an Erin too and that is my husbands favorite thing to say, “Goddamnit Erin” is ingrained in his vocabulary so I know where you are coming from!

  20. happy anniversary! The vacation is a great idea. Did it each time I weaned a child. Of course mostly I just ended up making up all my sleep!

  21. my husband hates it when we manage to get a sitter, go out, i get drunk, and i focus my attention on another man. never satisfied.

    when are you planning to wean? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  22. Happy Anniversary, Erin! And trying to turn off the Mom is like trying to turn off your vag. It ain’t gonna happen. It’s just part of who you are now.

  23. Aviva and I could come along with you on the trip and absolve your guilt. Please say we are going somewhere warm and tropical…

  24. Queen of Spain says:

    Deal Devra.
    How’s Tahiti? Bora Bora?


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