I Blame My Mother

My mother camped out to get me a Cabbage Patch Kid. As the story goes, the zit-faced Toys R Us employee wheeled the boxes into the store from the back, and a frenzy ensued in the wee hours of a December morning in the suburbs of Detroit.

My uncle, allegedly, tore many out of the boxes out of many hands and threw them to my mother and aunt. They quickly inspected the cabbage babies (being racist idiots, my uncle didn’t want any “black” cabbage patch at his house) and they left the store with three of the prized dolls. One for my older cousin, one for my younger cousin, and one for me.

Her name was Corinne Antoniette and I loved her until about Valentine’s Day. She ended up with many other stuffed animals and dolls in the corner of my room. Dusty. Ragged. And I didn’t think of her again until my mother had the nerve to sell her at a garage sale many, many, many years later. In fact, I had a hissy fit. I may have been in my very late teens, but I was super pissed she sold my Cabbage Patch.

With all of this in mind, I am feeling an involuntary twitch. A tick, of sorts. I’ve seen the vague commercials. The mysterious ads.

I need the Elmo TMX for Princess Peanut.

elmo tmx

It’s genetic. I have no control. When I casually mentioned the whole Tickle Me Elmo 10th Anniversary thing to the Kaiser, he gave me that “don’t be one of those moms” look with a “just don’t get one” comment thrown in for good measure. He is, of course, right. And I could go on and on about how much love the Peanut has for Elmo-she humps him for chrstsake. But it still wouldn’t justify standing in the cold at 4am outside of a Toys R Us, wrestling with idiots.

…which is why I just preordered on Amazon. Click. Click. Click.

It’s genetic. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.


  1. Ha ha great way to do it, spear the black eye and pre-order!!

    oh and btw, my husband had diverticulitis as well. As a matter of fact, he thinks he may have gotten a flare up recently, he is still bouting with it. One suggestion, don’t eat berries with little seeds.. like strayberries, raspberries, etc. They make flare ups REALLY common. Good Luck! Hope you get better soon!

  2. *sniffle*

    My Cabbage Patch’s name was Lorena Rosaline. I haven’t thought of that name in probably 20 years. Thanks for the memory…can’t BELIEVE her name was still rolling around in my head!

  3. i was wondering what Elmo TMX was. now i know.

    i never had a cabbage patch doll. they scared the shit out of me and my nana knew it so i never got one. i still fear them. their eeeeeevil!!

  4. We all need our family traditions…

  5. My family tradition was a little bit different. Every year, I would ask for a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas, and every year, I would get something else instead, until the price came down enough for me to finally get one about four years later. Her name was Agnela Edna, because all the good names were taken by then, and they were basically just using a random letter generator to make names up.

    And to add insult to injury, my uncle did a bit of comparative pricing and discovered that Cabbage Patch Kids were enough cheaper in Canada that he could make a decent profit by importing them. So, he came up to visit us in Canada, bought 60 dolls the day they came out, took them out of their boxes, which he carefully folded up and hid in a suitcase so that he could repackage them when he got home, but they could pass for his kids’ toys when they drove across the border. Somewhere, there is a picture of me sitting on the couch with 60 Cabbage Patch Dolls, of which I would not have one to call my own for four more years. I wonder if you can see the envy hiding under my smile.

    I don’t really mind it, now. It bugged me some when I was a kid, but I was generally pretty content, and I have learned to be happy with what I have. I suppose it has made me a little unambitious, though. Most people strive for better jobs so that they can afford a better house and better things, but I just want to be not in debt and housed. (Which explains why I have a law degree and am working at Starbucks, I guess.)

  6. Queen of Spain says:

    That is a hard core story.

    I would have given you mine. Sniff.

  7. Mine was a preemie, her name was/is Fayette Nellie. She lives at my parents house and now sometimes Claudia sleeps with her when we visit.

    I tell Claudia it’s her older sister. She’s adopted. Claudia thinks I’m insane.

  8. Queen of Spain says:

    Ok, how weird is it that we ALL remember our cabbage patch kids’ names?

  9. When I was 3 or 4 I told my parents and grandparents that the Easter Bunny was bringing me a cabbage patch doll. Being sold out all over the place I live they tried to convince me that the EB brings candy and other crap. I wasn’t having it. At the time my grandpa did a lot of traveling and he would stop in every T-R-U and see if they had one. While he was in one store the cashier told him that they were sold out but someone was bringing one back. He waiting there for hours and probably beat back other mothers to get me Angelina Megan. She had red hair and a purple outfit. It was also impossible to convince me that EB and SC didn’t exist later in life. Thanks grandpa.

  10. I have a tickle me Elmo AND a Chicken Dance Elmo….oh and some sort of hokey pokey Elmo thing.
    We gots a lotta Elmo going on.
    I did not get a cabbage patch doll but I am older than you guys so that probably explains it (presuming the Queen is Sarah’s age.). I remember WELL when they came out and I thought they were both hideous and retarded at the time.

    But I did have a Bionic Woman doll and she was cool as hell.

  11. My family was too poor to buy me one, but that is ok, I had some other things, and a roof over my head. I couldn’t have been happier.

  12. Too funny. I preorder stuff on Amazon all the time.

  13. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid the first year also. My grandmother knew I really wanted one, so she went to the local toy store the day after Thanksgiving, when they had the last shipment, and they stood up on top of the tall stock shelves and threw the doll boxes down to the crowd beneath them. My grandmother caught one, and then had to hold on as other women tried to snatch it from her.

    My first Cabbage Patch kid was Madeline Eva, and she had curly blonde hair.

    Now, I can’t remember the names of the other 6 I had through my childhood. Guess I wanted a big family at the time, eh?

  14. I am a mean, mean, MEAN mommy. I never let my girls have talking toys when they were little. In fact, my sis-in-law gave my elder girl a talking Arthur and his voicebox mysteriously went silent somewhere on the New Jersey Turnpike…

    Tickle Me Elmo was 10 years ago? Yeah, I guess it was, because everyone kept asking me if I was going to get my daughter one. I said no–she already HAD a regular stuffed Elmo that did anything she wanted–on her own imagination. And that toy was her favorite for years–she still has him at age 11!

    I was in college during the Cabbage Patch phase. I was going to college in Albany, NY and the dolls were being made nearby. Maybe it was watching those parents go ape like that that that made me such a mean, mean, mommy!

  15. Wow, I’m amazed how many of you remember your doll’s name. I had one but I can’t for the life of me remember her name.

    I got a little psycho last Christmas trying to win a Raven Disney Mix Stick for my daughter off Ebay. They were sold out everywhere. I paid nearly double but at least it hasn’t gotten broken or lost yet.

  16. hehehe, I guess I named my own princess peanut after your cabbage patch doll! Corinne is such a pretty name.

  17. Kudos on the smart thinking there! I never thought about pre-ordering!

    Dawson is not too keen on “Mel-Mooooo” yet. But I think he’s too darn cute!

  18. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! DON’T GIVE INTO THE DARK SIDE!!!! I am not a bible thumper (I don’t really believe in a god persay) but I am Sure… 100% … that Elmo is the devil. No really. and I hate leaving links but here is why…http://missingghosts.blogspot.com/2006/08/evil-has-name.html

  19. What the hell is the TMX Elmo supposed to do differently? Ugh. The damn thing was annoying enough the first time around!

  20. It’s not your mother’s fault! Mine was a fierce “NEVER give in to commercialism” type yet I almost knocked an 8 year old over to get Legend of Zelda for my second son when it came out. Literally. At a store on Broadway and 83rd. There were only 5. We got it and it was very much beloved.

    If it makes you feel any better that same son is now a video game designer so those early “needs” when met judiciously can actually lead someplace besides a depleted bank account.

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