Chia Mania

Chia PigI may not have succumbed to the hellish marketing ploy that is FLOAM, but I did give in to the omnipresent Chia Pet.
I am weak. My son wanted a Chia Pet and I made sure Santa delivered. A fucking Chia pet.

How bad could it be, I thought? Afterall, it wasn’t Moonsand (did you know it won’t dry out?) and it wasn’t a Bedazzler (although that Tanny or Tawney or whatever the crapass her name is will not be happy with me) and it grows an actual plant. At least, I think it’s an actual plant. Or moss. Or some sort of “Mexican” something that seems to look like the weed they pull out of the cracks in my sidewalk. Anyway, growing stuff is science-ish and that’s a good enough reason for me.

Like I said, I’m weak.

So now that we’re a few days past the main event and all the major toys have been played with over and over again, we’ve busted our Chia pet (the pig version) out of the box for a day of weed growing fun.

Or not.

Turns out you have to soak your Chia for 24 hours in water. Ok, fine. Out comes the tupperware and in goes little piggy and some H2O. I’ve got a disappointed kid, but he got to hold it for a bit and then drop it ever so (not) gently into the bowl.

Day 2 of Chia mania and we’re ready to rock. I dump out the bowl of water (which is now an odd shade of green) and put our Chia pig on a plate. I quickly scan the seed packet and see i need to mix the little balls with water. And then let them soak for another 24 hours.

Shit.

Ok. Ok. So I soak the seeds and explain, yet again, that Mommy wasn’t really paying attention to the days long process that is a Chia planting and we will have to wait to spread the seed-like gel substance tomorrow.

Day 2.5 of Chia mania and I decide the seeds have soaked enough and we’re going get this hog good and coated before I lose any more counter space to this weed monstrosity.

Kid knives and my cheese spreader are taken out of the drawer and we’re off. Count Waffles put all of two globs on the Chia and he was bored. Princess Peanut, on the other hand, is covered in Chia gel and is having the time of her life globbing what can only be described as gray poppy seed jelly on our teracotta piggy. Some go in her mouth. Many are in her hair. And I’m wondering if I call poison control for “mexican moss” ingestion.

While the Count plays with cars on the kitchen floor I clean the table, the child, and the Chia. This crap is stuck to everything. It’s in my wood floor grooves. It’s in the tiny cracks on my table. It’s stuck to the Princess, my leg, the cat.

…but…the asstacular fun that is Chia is now coated and sitting on my counter. And if either child asks me, yet again, when the “flowers will start to grow” it might very well have a Chia-uicide tonight after small people get put to bed.

We’ve already offed the Chia Alarm that came as a “bonus” in the box. It sang the Chi Chi Chi Chheeeeeeeeeeeeaaa song a little too often. It’s battery met an untimely (get it?) and totally “accidental” death late Christmas Day.

I’m not above offing the pig. But if I can smoke the Chia Moss, I might let it stick around.

Comments

  1. I think you can smoke the Chia Moss.

    I’m just not sure you’ll want to explain it to the ER doctor if it makes you ill….
    “Well see, I was smoking my Chia Pet”…..see how that sounds?

  2. Oh dios mio! Thanks for the heads up! Goopy messes do not mix with OCDish people and I would so not do well with the Chia pet!

    As for requests, just wait until Barbie sticks her ugly head into your life! *sigh* At 6, Barbie is my girl’s guilty and unabashed pleasure/vice/my stick in the eye and thus far my mother has bought her Barbie merchandise… not me… now that we are moving… *sigh* See? American capitalism and consumerism and all in all materialism is a godsend in the plethora of toys available… maybe I can off Barbie once in SF and work her interest into other areas… dammit!

    ;-P

  3. My nephew had a Chia Garcia – yep, Jerry Garcia with green hair LOL

  4. My mom just warned me about the Chias the other day. I can’t remember why, but I shall now indeed never purchase a Chia pet.

  5. Don’t smoke the Chia!

    You live in California. Isn’t weed legal there? Just tell them you were having glaucoma issues.

  6. Our current Chia pet is a living, breathing dog who is, for the moment, largely bald. J brought him home on Christmas Eve and we are getting him the medical attention he needs to rid him of his stenchtastic skin condition and grow his hair back.

    I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t smoke him.

  7. I don’t get the appeal of the Chia pet. What are you supposed to do with it once the “grass” grows in? I could understand if it was smokeable…

  8. “asstacular” I just caught that. Hilarious.

  9. HA HA HA! Oh hell yeah! I would have sprung for the creepy Chia-Shaggy head. But that’s just me. We must see how it grows!

  10. I’m cracking up because I never pictured you doing the Chia thing. I’m tempted to try it just to see what you went through!

    🙂

  11. Queen of Spain says:

    Why is everyone so against the smoking of the Chia growth? It’s because I’m still breastfeeding, isn’t it???

    (for my re-tard readers -I’m looking in your direction Huffington Post- I’m kidding)

  12. We went through that chia-phase with my son years ago, except he wanted the chia-head. The thing smelled awful.

  13. Just some info for you guys.
    1) chia seeds are edible and contain medical properties.
    2)chia is also known as salvia hispancia.
    3)salvia a.k.a. chia, is a drug with affects similar to pot that is legal and is nicknamed “The Divinours Sage.”

    So, my point is, that the chia plant is smokable. Just for those of you who dont know yet.

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