The People Under the Stairmasters

I had to shield my children from paparazzi when we left the gym today.

I’m not kidding.

Turns out a certain Miss Blonde Just Divorced from a guy who’s name rhymes with Dick frequents my gym and just happened to be working out with a new trainer who everyone assumes she’s screwing.

Trust me. They are not screwing. The assistant working out with/next to her wouldn’t allow it. And the guy is clearly just a trainer thrilled to have been given the opportunity to sculpt Daisy Duke’s ass. You can tell they are not screwing. Trust me.

Maybe everyone really wants to see a photo of Miss Blonde wearing black stretch pants and a black tank top and a black hat pulled so far down you can’t see her eyes as she dashes from the gym entrance to a waiting SUV (driven by Daddy?). I can’t imagine why, but maybe they do. Maybe they want to see it so much that when I leave my gym, it’s necessary for several cameramen to be smoking, swearing, and leaning against their car hoods as they nearly block traffic on the small, suburban side street.

Sure I joked with them and told them to make sure to catch me in a good light…but they can go away now. My Hollywood Suburb gets it’s share of C D and B list actors as residents and shoppers. A certain Mrs. Nearly Killed Her Kids in a Drunken Car Wreck Everyone Knows Her As Kirk Cameron’s Annoying TV Sister nearly plowed my family and I down in Target not too long ago. She’s a maniac with a cart, let me tell you. And she apparently is always in a hurry. But that’s it. That’s the kind of celebs I like in my town. The ones you recognize, but not enough to really bother. Like the time Mr. Isuzu and I got our prescriptions together at Longs.

The ones that DO NOT attract the sleazy photographers that linger on my town center drive.

So, Miss Blonde, I’m not sure what you are doing here or why you’ve decided to frequent our quiet little city, but whenever you finish filming whatever it is you are filming here, feel free to take trainer boy and get the hell out.

If you’ve actually moved here, may I suggest the 24 hour fitness on the other side of town?

Crossposted at The People Under the Stairmasters.


  1. Inititally, I thought the paparazzi where there for you because of all the noise over your letter to Michelle Obama. (Sometimes I really live on another planet.) I was quite relieved that it was for someone of no consequence in my mind.

  2. Inititally, I thought the paparazzi where there for you because of all the noise over your letter to Michelle Obama. (Sometimes I really live on another planet.) I am quite relieved that it was for someone of no consequence in my mind.

  3. PS – The link doesn’t work. It should be

    I knew you’d have the most exciting gym stories.

  4. That would bug the heck out of me. So glad my little town has so far not attracted any stars (well, save an occasional visit by Lance Armstrong).

    Cute kiddos!

  5. Queen of Spain says:

    Fixed! That’s what I get for writing that at midnight 🙁

  6. Holy Crap!
    If I find any pics of her leaving the gym I’m going to have to send you the links so you can feel immortalized.

    (I hate her by the way. HATE HER. It’s a bit irrational)

  7. Oh jeez. I love her. L-O-V-E her. I’m so jealous. I can’t even stand it.

  8. When I lived in a more upscale area, Will Smith made an appearance at my gym one day (and yes, it WAS a 24-hour fitness). Will: nice. Jada: Lovely. The staff: crapping themselves with fawning adoration. That’s all there is to report.

  9. I still don’t know who you’re talking about. I don’t keep up with La La Land. Sounds annoying, though (the situation).

  10. I thought she was holed up in NYC w/ John Mayer??

    Why couldn’t it be someone cool like Adam Duritz?

  11. Well then Miss QOS. Do tell: Was her ass photoshopped on in those Dukes ads or not? Five bucks says it totally was.

  12. Queen of Spain says:

    You owe me five bucks.

    But maybe not. Because her ass looked, sadly, amazing in the stretch pants. BUT (no pun intended) I did not see the ass in the shower, where it’s REAL flaws would be revealed.

    So let’s just call it a draw. Unless I see her in the shower.

    In which case I’ll be selling the cell phone photos for 5 bucks. Or 500. Either way.

  13. Did you happen to notice if she really bears a notable resemblance to David Lee Roth like she does on TV?

  14. Queenie….your response to Lena makes me worry. Tell me you aren’t going to do the stumble in the sauna and “accidentally” pull a Seinfeld where she says, “Yes, my ass is real…..and tell your blog readers it’s FABULOUS”

  15. Well, interesting idea Chris but she would have to be bent over in the sauna first and well, don’t mean to break anyone’s fantasy of what we do in saunas but sit and sweat is pretty much it… no naked bending over thank goodness!

    Although in San Francisco, the most “exciting” things got in our gym was dealing with the two Mexican transexuals who used the lady’s changing room… they had long hair, totally buff dudes dressed all out as women, boobs and all…

    And when I lived in Orange County (P-LEASE do not call it the OC!) I frequently saw and talked to Phill Collin from Def Leppard. He was really cool, down to earth and thank goodness, no paparazzi!

    Must have been an interesting thing to see but to have to deal with it constantly gets old and beyond annoying! You are so not LA (and I mean that in a totally complimentary way) which is why imagining you in these situations is just something I would give anything to actually see!

    *sigh* Why don’t you move up to SF? Seriously!


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