Dear Kaiser, love of my life, father of my children,

First of all, know that we have arrived in the great Metropolis that is Detroit, Michigan and we are safe. We are now nestled in PJ’s and slippers, sipping tea and dozing off.

Before I fall fast asleep while the children you gave me play with their relatives, know this:

I am never flying across the country with these spawns of Satan ever. again.

You may want to call Spirit Airlines and make sure we have seats for our return flight, as I am pretty sure we are not welcome on their fleet of airplanes ever. again.

You may also want to call any and all convents and or boarding schools for your darling daughter. I believe it might be necessary we ship her somewhere better able to handle M&M grenades and shrieks they could use in Iraq to torture the enemy. Also check with local talent agencies, as I have no doubt she will be a fine actress. She can go from shrieking and crying as though someone was beating her, to coyly smiling at a stranger in a heartbeat.

As for you son, we may need to find him a very good psychologist, because he now has narcolepsy, which he is apparently using as a defense mechanism to block out the horror show that is mother and daughter.

I hope your time at home, in peace, is quiet and rewarding.

All my love,

The Queen

p.s. The Transportation Security Agency and Federal Bureau of Investigations might call to have a word with you. Tell Frank I said “thanks for the donut” and please let Jim know we’ll return his gun and badge just as soon as we can.


  1. This? This is why my children won’t even SEE an airport until they are 20. My friend Georgia lived 5 miles from the airport in town and never saw it til she was an adult and she turned out ok.

    I am so sorry Queen. Please tell me that others were understanding. Even before I had kids I felt for parents whose kids went Linda Blair on them.

    Have a great visit and I hope the trip home is muchos better.

  2. Oh poor Queen! I thought a seven hour drive with a baby was bad- but you can pull over in a car.

  3. I work for an airline, complete with free flights but when my daughter turned 3 that was the end of our airline travels. I was afraid that the kid would get me fired. She has since recovered her manners but it took a few years before I would even think about traveling without breaking out in hives. Have fun on your trip home.

  4. Aren’t you supposed to sedate kids on planes?

    Oh wait, that’s pets, isn’t it….

  5. Welcome to yet another snowy week in the Mo-burbs! If you’re out A-squared way, give a holla. I know all the great kid spots.

  6. So is the Kaiser going to guest post a response?

  7. 🙂 No use, I guess, in telling you that in around 10 years time, they probably won’t want to even acknowledge your presence on a flight?

  8. I have two words to day to say to you – baby demazin! I have heard it works miracles…


  9. This is exactly what my friend Alex at feared when she set out for Chicago this weekend. Her doctor advised her to use Benadryl. Right or wrong, everyone arrived safe and well-rested. I say use it for the way back, and good luck!

  10. Where are you in this great Mitten State? Or, aren’t you allowed to say?

  11. I am shocked.
    Children acting poorly on an airplane?

    What next?


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