Arrival

Dear Kaiser, love of my life, father of my children,

First of all, know that we have arrived in the great Metropolis that is Detroit, Michigan and we are safe. We are now nestled in PJ’s and slippers, sipping tea and dozing off.

Before I fall fast asleep while the children you gave me play with their relatives, know this:

I am never flying across the country with these spawns of Satan ever. again.

You may want to call Spirit Airlines and make sure we have seats for our return flight, as I am pretty sure we are not welcome on their fleet of airplanes ever. again.

You may also want to call any and all convents and or boarding schools for your darling daughter. I believe it might be necessary we ship her somewhere better able to handle M&M grenades and shrieks they could use in Iraq to torture the enemy. Also check with local talent agencies, as I have no doubt she will be a fine actress. She can go from shrieking and crying as though someone was beating her, to coyly smiling at a stranger in a heartbeat.

As for you son, we may need to find him a very good psychologist, because he now has narcolepsy, which he is apparently using as a defense mechanism to block out the horror show that is mother and daughter.

I hope your time at home, in peace, is quiet and rewarding.

All my love,

The Queen

p.s. The Transportation Security Agency and Federal Bureau of Investigations might call to have a word with you. Tell Frank I said “thanks for the donut” and please let Jim know we’ll return his gun and badge just as soon as we can.