Striking Fear in the Hearts of Men

Up until about 4-6 weeks ago, my daughter was nothing like me. She was sweet and quiet and shy. She picked flowers and sang to blue birds perched on her finger. Yes, the bluebirds harmonized with her.

I was confident she was going to be one of those sweet, nice, sunshine smile kind of girls. The kind and gentle voice of reason to her slutty, stupid girlfriends. Studious. Polite to a fault. Teachers pet. You’re getting the picture here, right?

Well, apparently at 2 1/2 years old she’s just NOW decided that halo-polishing baby I knew was just an act. We’ve entered classic terrible two territory with the “NO!” and “I DO IT MYSELF” but with a Princess Peanut Punk as Fuck TWIST-she’s got a hair flip, eyelash bat, head cock thing going on that scares the bejeeezus out of me.

She is going to CRUSH men. CRUSH them.

In the meantime, she’s crushing me. I tell her “no” and I get an “I want DADDY!” in response. I say “stop that right now” and I get a “NO Mommy” then she grabs my cheeks and kisses me on the lips. As if to say, “I’m not going to do what you say, but I’m cute and loving and I will at least give you a nice kiss before defying you, silly woman.”
I’m fucked.

Time outs are not working. Taking away toys seems to only fuel her evil. I took away a beloved baby and she said (and I’m not kidding here) “pffffffffffffft.” She pfffffft’d my punishment and walked away.

I keep reminding myself we went through this with Count Waffles, and he’s now a model citizen. I keep telling myself its just another phase and it will pass.

In all honesty, I’m not sure. The hair flip, head cock, eyelash bat thing-is beyond “phase.” Its possible I inadvertently taught her how to work a man. She’s using it against me. She’s using it against her father. She’s using it against the world.

I blame myself of course. I obviously showed her my wily ways. I didn’t realize she was soaking it in, but…there it is. OR, maybe its just in the DNA? She’s got some female Queen-gene that helps her pout her lips and lean her head on her father’s shoulder at JUST the right, somewhat evil, moment.

What I need to remember here is that I’M the Queen. I’m the ALPHA female in THIS house. I will not fear her. I will not give in to her. I’m not going to fold at a mere eyelash bat, sulk episode in my kitchen.

She can’t make me.


  1. I have one just like me, and I take comfort in the fact that I like who I am, so eventually my little man will be a great grown up. He is a difficult little boy, but so much like me that I can not fault him for that. Good luck! Hopefully we will both get through this with our sanity!

  2. My little girl, who isn’t even 2 yet, is doing the same thing. Only she doesn’t have the hair to flip. She tells me she doesn’t want to, and when I get onto her, she wants her daddy. Up until just a month ago, she was my little angel. I am now convinced that I have a devil spawn. Okay, she’s not THAT bad, but I keep waiting for her head to spin around and pea soup to come out of her mouth.

  3. OH I SOOOOOO feel you pain here!

    Every now and then I look at Liberty and think, ‘Oh lord help the man who decides to take you on!’

    It’s comforting in a way to know she won’t be the type to get her heart broken. But terrifying in the same way to know that she has as much power as she does…and she’s not even 6.


  4. I know. Peep greeted her preschool teacher with freakishly cheerful, “Hi!” and proceeded to blow her 2 kisses. She is coy and flirtatious and rotten in ways that I don’t get. Wild.

  5. Oh gosh! Do you have this on video yet? I’d love to see it! 😉 Good luck, girl….good luck!

  6. And it also means she’s not going to take shit from the hormone-soaked boys as she gets older.

    Sucks to live through, rocks for the future.

  7. Wow! That’s amazing. The hair flip at 2 1/2. YIKES! But I’m with Dana on the video thing. Of course we believe you, but it would be fun to see it first (er, second)- hand. ha ha!

  8. Hey if you figure out how to do that let me know huh?

    I have one of those at home too….oh and since she will be 3 next week i have decided that the Terrible Two’s seguey right into the Thoroughly Terrifying Three’s !!!

  9. You didn’t do it to her–she was BORN knowing it.

    Maybe it is coded into the DNA. All I know is that I have one beautiful 12 year old who couldn’t flirt if her life depended on it, and an 8 year old who can charm any male who so much as sets eyes on her picture! And when they meet her in real life…

    Truthfully, she worries me far more than her older sister does. I’m currently looking for a convent (with a nice alligator moat) that will take half-Catholic/half Jewish/raised agnostics. Otherwise I see DEEP trouble ahead!

  10. People who tell me that 2s are the worst clearly never had a 3 yr old. Now I’m not trying to scare you dear Queen but, ahem, it will probably get worse before it gets better. Sorry =0(

  11. I’m lucky, I guess. Cordy is nothing like that. I guess when it comes to boys, she’ll walk up to them, club them and drag them away by their long hair. Because she’ll like guys with long hair, just like mommy.

  12. The eyes have it … they really do. Those big, brown “I am whoa-man, hear me roar” eyes. Good luck 🙂

  13. I’m already under the control of my neice who turns 1 in a week and a half, I fear for the day when she realizes the power she has over me with how cute she is…

  14. Yes.

    We loathe our 3 1/2 year old. She constantly screams NOOOOOOOOO! at me running so she really won’t do what I am requesting…things like don’t run in the road, pick up your playdough, stay in the shallow end of the pool cause you will drown. Really petty stuff.

    AND to top it off our peach of a 6 1/2 year old pities her and will say things like, “Oh sister, I love you even if Mama isn’t showing you she is. I love you and you are good to me!” while glaring at me for yelling at his obnoxious sister.

    grrrrrr. Her only hope is also the fact that her older brother is a peach and darling and I adore him. She sucks and I hope she grows up some more so I can stop hating her.

  15. Beware.

    It’s only the beginning.

  16. I’m still holding out hope that my precious angel baby will bypass the whole terrible twos thing. She still hasn’t learned to say “no” or “mine”, although if you ask her a question and the answer is no, she says “nope. uh uh”, which is kind of cute. Does your Princess do that shrieking thing? That ear-piercing, glass-shattering SHRIEK that says “hey, I am not getting my way here”? I’m so not loving that. Oh and P.S. those eyes! She has such beautiful eyes!

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