My almost 4-year old son thinks pigs work.

He thinks swine put on little hard hats and take a lunch pail down to the factory every day and punch a clock. It’s there the little piggies sit at desks and type on computers and make the bacon that we, the humans, eat.

He firmly believes it’s the pig’s job to go to work and make our bacon. In his mind, the cows make the milk and the pigs make the bacon. I see the logic.
I’m fine with this. At his tender, innocent age, I am totally fine with not correcting him. I’m not setting out to lie to him. If he were to ask, I would try to explain that Porky and Co. don’t really make our bacon, but I can’t say I would describe or travel down the “we eat the pigs” path. Wee wee wee all the way home.

It’s this life of “half truths” or vague concepts that got my husband to thinking. Not too many days ago my other half was pondering exactly what we would tell the children if they were ever to walk in on us “doing it.”

He thinks we need a plan. A pre-discussed discussion. He thinks we need to be prepared on the off chance the baby monitor, door knobs, locks, and overall hearing fails us and we get caught F’in like rabbits.
At first I laughed at him. I totally brushed off the need for a game plan should an offspring interrupt us mid-hump.

Then I thought about it. Could I really say we were “hugging?” No, because as anyone who is NOT a virgin knows, sex looks nothing like a hug.

What do we say we were doing? We can’t really take the “making a baby route” since we’re not and then one of the kids will expect a sibling at some point. We can’t go with “wrestling naked” as I can totally see my kids then wanting to wrestle naked with us. ALL THE TIME. It would be the new family past time. Friends would come over to play and my children would want to wrestle them. Naked.

Do we even try to explain what we were doing? Do we gloss it over with “kissing and tickling” and hope they buy it? At this age, they just don’t understand enough to really try and explain sex. Which I don’t mind doing. I have no problem with discussing sex and everything that goes with it when my children can understand. I’m not worried about my daughter. She’s just too little to realize. But my son. Oh. Boy. Did I mention he’s nearly 4? That means questions. GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN the questions.
…but why do we have sex?

…but why do you have to lay like that?

…but why do you make those noises?

…but why are you putting your penis there where Mommy pees?

…but why does Mom have those things the police use on the bad guys? (kidding, kidding)

All I’m saying is the actual explanation may just be too complicated for his brain, but anything else might be too simple.

So, on the Kaiser’s advice, I am asking you-my blogging buddies, to please tell us how to you deal with a child’s questions after they actually “see” sexual intercourse???

I have my suspicions that this entire conversation between my husband and I was just his way of hinting that we need to go have sex. And he may very well be surprised to see his hint went so far as to become a blog post. Or not. Because we all know the man gets more blow jobs than any husband on earth.

So maybe the question should be…what if we get caught doing that??? Mommy is just checking my throat? Like the doctor does? But with Daddy’s….nevermind. Stick to answering the sex question.