Breathe Me

Looking down on Southern California from the safety of the sky, I could see nothing but an orange and brown wall of smoke. Moments earlier strangers were helping us through security as I simultaneously tried to give my asthmatic son his inhaler and take off both my kids’ shoes. Everyone was talking about the fires. The people in line, the ticket counter agent, even the woman who rang up my hastily bought crayons and plane toys. The same toys the kids were occupied with on take off while I sobbed in relief.

I hadn’t realized the stress and fear until we were away from danger. Maybe “danger” isn’t the right word. Our home was never in “danger” of burning down unless you count the first day of embers catching roofs two miles away. Sure we were surrounded within blocks by fires, but we never landed in an official evacuation zone. Our “danger” was a coughing son and rapidly deteriorating air quality.

News came as we boarded our plane that a child my son’s age in our town was in a coma from an asthma attack. As Count Waffles hacked and wheezed, I was feeling more and more justified in my decision to leave the state.

We could have driven north to friends for a few nights, but would have still returned to ash and soot in the air. We could have gotten a hotel, but they were at capacity just about everywhere and the cost of the room plus eating out would have equaled the last minute plane tickets.

I didn’t pack properly for the trip. Dirty clothes, winter clothes, long sleeves for Florida weather. Toys missing, socks missing. None of it mattered as we threw stuff in a suitcase to stay at hotel near the airport. We were afraid if we didn’t leave then, we might not get out on roads that could close at any moment the next morning. Plus the coughing. My son’s cough just getting worse and worse and worse. The news said the ER was overfilled. Keep the kids and seniors inside.What if he had an attack and we couldn’t get help?

All these factors had us packing. Our neighbors were staying put, but we were packing. I was torn on whether we were doing the right thing. Were we overreacting? Were we underreacting?

Then we landed in Orlando and my son’s cough disappeared entirely.

We’re staying 10 days and hoping that’s enough time for the air to clear. We’ll trick-or-treat in warm weather and fresh air. We’ll let Nana and Gramps spoil the kiddos while I try and figure out what to wear out of the 5 pairs of pants and 2 sweaters I brought.

The men stayed back to work and keep an eye on things. Kaiser has a suitcase in his car in case he can’t return home one night or gets stuck on the freeway. My brother is monitoring his girlfriend who is trapped in La Jolla.

We’re making plans to clean vents and change filters. To help friends still wondering if their homes are standing. To aid families who’s children are hospitalized with breathing troubles. To color pictures for the firefighters. To cry together.

You can help my neighbors, my friends, and my community by donating to the Santa Clarita Valley Disaster Coalition. Thank you.

Safe

The kids are strewn sideways over a hotel bed fast asleep.

Our noses and throats burn from the air, and sniffing the stale Westin air conditioning is like heaven.

Our house is standing and in no danger despite helicopters and super scoopers and sirens all day. Despite water spilling from planes in the sky onto our driveway. Despite 6 fires surrounding us and closing the roads of our escape. Despite tales of calls for help and responses of “we have no one to send, do your best until we get there.”

The air is deadly. My son gets no relief from the cough and choke. We need rest from monitoring local news at 3am and waking to the thunder of strike teams.

My heart is filled with love and thanks for the plane tickets to safety and blue skies.

…and the good news is my house didn’t burn down yet

It’s late and I’m exhausted. My kids coughed themselves to sleep and I’m too anxious to try and go to bed.

Turn on the national news and when you hear about the fires think of this family as lucky…so far. We are in our home. I have a laundry basket filled with essentials by my front door.

The air conditioning is on by recommendation of the authorities and we’re staying off the local roads unless we’re in an evacuation zone.

My son is coughing, but not badly. Meds and the indoor air are keeping him breathing without trouble. As I type this, a fourth fire has sprung up just miles from us.

If you are keeping track, we have one fire less than a mile to our northwest, we have another fire about 8 miles to our north, we have another fire about 3 miles to our east, and yet one more now to the southest that is about 4 miles away.


We could leave but hotels from San Diego to us are booked, not to mention the cost of missing work and staying away from home. We are not in an evacuation zone and authorities are advising we stay put and stay out of their way.

Protecting my kids is not an easy call today. Do we flee and risk sitting in traffic with horrible air quality and my son’s asthma? Do we stay put until the wind shifts and we are threatened directly? Do we get our butts to lax and make an impromptu trip to Nana’s house? Do we sit and wait?

We have had offers from friends that are just amazing. People are really wonderful. Homes to stay in, beds to lay on, tickets to Florida. The phone has been ringing non stop and the outpouring of concern is just overwhelming. Thank you all.

There have been many challenges this week. Making me really think and making me really take into account what I have. I have really good friends. I have a community of parent bloggers that I can count on. That I can share with. That I can relate to and help. I wouldn’t change them for the world, or for anyone. My children have seen the benefits of this community as well. My son’s allergies and asthma was helped by tips you all gave me. I got help for my PPD and become a better mother with your help. I’m proud of the community we’ve created and angry that a small percentage of people would attempt to intimidate or silence those of us who have gained so much through parent blogging. We’ve created a voice that is changing parenthood and I’m glad we can use our free speech as we engage in this new social medium. As we share photos and stories and advice and become virtual neighbors.  As we empower ourselves with books and opportunities and power.

I spent 72 hours attempting to make contact, personally, to discuss these challenges with certain people and have been met with no response. So publicly now I ask for the copyrighted photo of my minor daughter to be removed immediately.

There is a firestorm outside my door.

Unclean

(all photos taken by J. Paradies because he’s whining that I didn’t credit him for taking them, with my camera, in my backyard, and downloaded to my computer and then posted to my account. Tee hee hee)

Fire cleanses.

Fire is rage.

Seems appropriate for me right now. The smoke, the confusion, the disbelief, the anger.

As luck (and having the resources of a Queen) would have it, being a parent means using things like this as a learning opportunity.

Class is in session.

In the Butt, Bob

Wow. You guys sure do like the sex talk.

In that case…email me your topics, questions, stories and we’ll just turn the whole “The Post My Mother Can NOT Read” into a series.

Queenofspainblog@yahoo.com or leave a comment.

and yes, you can tell by the title what topic we need to tackle next…

The Post My MOTHER Can NOT Read (part one)

Or her friends. Or the rest of my family. So go away.

Ok, is it just US now? Good.

Ladies,

I love you. I love you all in ways I can’t even describe. I think you are all amazing and smart and beautiful and blah blah blah blah.

Here is the deal. I KNOW you’ve heard the rumors. Don’t act all coy, there has been talk and I am now here to set you all straight:

I’ve been talking with your husbands.

Don’t freak out, but for some reason they all seem to come to me to chat. I’m like that naughty big sister they can ask their really embarrassing questions too and I’ll give them honest answers. I have no idea how I gained the “Let’s ask Queen” status, I’m guessing it’s the flashing of my tits, but whatever it is they seem to find the courage to talk with me about things they are totally and utterly afraid to discuss with you. I’m picturing them all in a huddle, muttering together, and pushing ONE to the front to ask me something…you? Anyway…

Don’t be mad. They’d rather talk to you, trust me. They would also rather NOT talk to me…but really want to get some things off their chests and do their best to figure you women out. This is their little way of doing something for you. No. Really. I know its hard to believe, but they come to me because they want to be closer to you. They want to get inside your head. Woo you. Romance you.
Ok, that’s all bullshit.

Really, they want you to swallow, and somewhere along the lines I became Queen of Blow Jobs and now they all flock to me to try and find a way to get YOU to take their cocks deep into your throat and let them go crazy.

Everyone just take a deep breathe there. I know that last sentence was difficult. It’s ok. Stay with me…breathe…

Let’s talk basics. If you are a partner who gives your man the occasional or frequent oral pleasure we need to discuss how you “finish.” We also need to discuss this epidemic of you jacking him off and licking his tip and calling it a “blow job” but we’ll save that for another post. Sure we all have our fetishes and our own “way” of doing things. No one should ever do anything they don’t want to do and no one should do something that doesn’t bring them pleasure…but let’s get real here…the experience of oral is also the ending…sucking and licking only to end with your hand is a let down. I know. I know. Sad, but true.

The men though, they have let me in on a little secret. “Swallow” is the term most used, but I have it on good authority so long as it ends in your mouth you don’t actually need to GULP…it’s the location more than anything. The consistency, as it were. Takes it up to 11, if you know what I mean. Now personally I don’t have any issues with swallowing (you are all shocked I know) but some of you may have some gag issues and some ICK factor going on. Normal. Totally normal. Not your thing. I get it…but can I ask…and don’t kill me here…not your thing because you’ve tried and just think its gross or not your thing because just the thought seems disgusting? I’m just asking…because, you know, we say to the kids all the time “as least try it first…”

Ok, ok, how about some practical ways to tackle this: Might I offer the advice of trying different angles? Not straight on…but with him on his side and you sliding down on your side? Or him OVER you in a 69 so you get some fun too, which might make you forget about the whole gag/gross thing? You’d be amazed what you suddenly can do, or not mind doing, while he’s making you moan…

Try it.

Now you might be saying to me right now..”he’s just lucky he’s getting ANY,” and yes…this is true. These husbands and boyfriends and partners should NOT be picky about the quality…or should they?

I mean, I know as well as you do that when I want something I expect my partner get to it and do it RIGHT. I’m rather demanding that way, and not just when it comes to sex. Of course there may not be a right or wrong way to get someone off, but I’ll be damned if a whole lot of your husbands would like to see a bit more “effort” on your part.

Yes, I’m tired too..and yes, they are selfish bastards…but if we’re going to go through with getting them snoring in 2.4 minutes then let’s do it with some GUSTO! Enough of my cheerleading and rah rah blow your husbands…let’s get back to what they say…

…after “swallow” on their list of fun stuff..are you ready to hear what else they want? Do you care? Because there is more…and I feel it’s my duty to tell you all, because their whining is getting overwhelming and I finally need to just break down and talk about it.

If it makes you feel any better I make them “listen” and “help” you in return. Don’t worry, I’m representing for you too. Those flowers you got last week? All me. That new little nighty? Yea, me too. He might have even offered to take the kids while you got an uninterrupted bubble bath, thank me later.

We can get more practical “technique” or I can dish more on what they tell me they like and want..or both, your call. Either way I’m here and I’m ready to spill.

Oh, you can breathe again…go ahead, I’m done now.

I’m a Busy Bee…

I tend to keep busy. Sort of. I’m a very good at uberlaziness and total chaos deadline insanity. The end results are usually amazing and my “little” projects tend to keep me nice and sane while two preschoolers run around me throwing Cheerios and reciting Spongebob jokes.

That being said I’ll be involved in a new project launching over at blogher.com next month, and I’ve been very busy helping out my friend Andrew at Photrade.com. I have to tell you guys…I love the site and the idea behind it, not to mention I puffy heart Andrew and Krista and really want them to succeed.

I’ve got three invites to be part of the beta Photrade.com site and will happily give them to the first three bloggers asking in my comments!

***updated*** keep asking in the comments if you want one…you never know what sort of miracles I can pull off. 😉 No promises…but….maybe…

Welcome Photrade!

Blog Action Day

Today is Blog Action Day, the one day a year we all try and talk about the same issue: the environment.

Bloggers Unite - Blog Action Day

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to post…what to post-but it’s actually very simple.

I want clean air for my children. In particular, I want clean air for my son and his allergy-induced asthma. From Blog Action Day, here is a list of charities and resources to help combat pollution:

Below you will find details of the four officially supported charities for Blog Action Day 2007 – the Environment. If you decide to donate your day’s earnings, you will find donation details below, however you are free to choose a different charity from those below.

Greenpeace International
Greenpeace is an independent global campaigning organisation that acts to change attitudes and behaviour, to protect and conserve the environment and to promote peace by:

* Catalysing an energy revolution to address the number one threat facing our planet: climate change.
* Defending our oceans by challenging wasteful and destructive fishing, and creating a global network of marine reserves.
* Protecting the world’s ancient forests and the animal, plants and people that depend on them.
* Working for disarmament and peace by tackling the causes of conflict and calling for the elimination of all nuclear weapons.
* Creating a toxic free future with safer alternatives to hazardous chemicals in today’s products and manufacturing.
* Campaigning for sustainable agriculture by rejecting genetically engineered organisms, protecting biodiversity and encouraging socially responsible farming.

Why we chose Greenpeace
Perhaps the best-known environmental organization in the world, the public both knows and trusts Greenpeace.

www.greenpeace.org/international/
Donate online

The Nature Conservancy

The Nature Conservancy is a leading conservation organization working around the world to protect ecologically important lands and waters for nature and people by:

* Slowing the rate of global warming and finding viable options for the Earth’s natural diversity, human communities and economic investments to survive its inevitable impacts;
* Linking innovative land and sea conservation strategies to improve survival of our coasts and oceans now and for future generations;
* Advancing responsible forest management practices, high-impact conservation transactions and public policies that protect, restore and manage the world’s forests, including rainforests in South America and Asia.
* Building freshwater conservation approaches and policies so that human needs for water can be met while sustaining healthy freshwater ecosystems;
* Developing solutions that allow fire to play a role in places where it benefits nature, and keep fire out of places where it is destructive; and
* Stopping the threat to Earth’s diversity posed by invasive non-native plants, animals, and diseases through a combination of prevention, early detection, eradication, restoration, research and outreach.

Why we chose The Nature Conservancy
The Nature Conservancy conserves the Earth’s ecologically important lands and waters in local places across all 50 U.S. states and in more than 30 countries all around the world. The Conservancy focuses on creating lasting, tangible results by using the best possible science — the Conservancy employs over 700 conservation scientists who do daily work in lands and waters worldwide to create conservation solutions that benefit both nature and people.

The Conservancy is non-confrontational and works respectfully and collaboratively with all sectors of society to achieve meaningful conservation results. By showing that tangible, large-scale conservation results can be delivered, the Conservancy provides hope that the Earth’s special places can be restored and preserved for future generations.

www.nature.org
Donate online

National Wildlife Federation (NWF)
National Wildlife Federation inspires Americans to protect wildlife for our children’s future.

What do wolves, salmon, panthers, bison, whooping cranes, waterfowl, polar bears and other creatures big and small have in common? They have the National Wildlife Federation as their champion.

“We helped return wolves to Yellowstone National Park.
We are guiding efforts to protect the places endangered whooping cranes, grizzly bears and Florida panthers call home.
We defend America’s safeguards and safe-havens for wildlife.
We build consensus-based solutions for wildlife where we can. We take the case for wildlife to courts when we must.
We represent wildlife everywhere, from Congress and the White House to the fields and streams of America’s wilderness and beyond.
We confront the threats of global warming and seek solutions to reduce the impact on people and wildlife.”

Why we chose NWF
Among large environmental organizations, NWF does the best job of responsibly spending its supporters’ money, according to SmartMoney magazine. NWF was honored for spending nearly 90 cents of every dollar it receives directly on educating, inspiring and assisting people to conserve and restore wildlife and wild places.

www.nwf.org
Donate online

The Sierra Club
The Sierra Club Foundation is a public charity whose mission is to provide financial support to the Sierra Club and other environmental organizations for tax deductible work. “We fund a range of environmental projects which fall into the three general categories of public education, litigation, and training.” The Sierra Club Foundation does not accept unsolicited proposals.

Why we chose The Sierra Club
Along with Greenpeace, the Sierra Club is a widely recognized and trusted charity with a long history of work in the environmental field.

www.sierraclub.org/foundation
Donate online

The Conservation Fund
The Conservation Fund is the nation’s foremost environmental nonprofit dedicated to protecting America’s land and water legacy for current and future generations. Seeking innovative conservation solutions for the 21st century, the Fund works to integrate economic and environmental goals. Since its founding in 1985, the Fund has helped its partners safeguard wildlife habitat, working landscapes, community “greenspace,” and historic sites totaling nearly 6 million acres. With 1% fund raising costs and 97% program allocation, The Conservation Fund is recognized as the nation’s top rated environmental nonprofit by both the American Institute of Philanthropy and Charity Navigator.

Why we chose The Conservation Fund
The Conservation Fund, with its 1 percent fundraising costs and 96 percent program allocation, was recognized as the nation’s top environmental nonprofit by two prominent charity watchdog organizations. Charity Navigator, in its Guide to Intelligent Giving, awarded The Conservation Fund its exceptional “four star” rating for exceeding industry standards and outperforming other environmental charities. For the fourth year in a row, the American Institute of Philanthropy gave the Fund its highest  grade for unsurpassed effectiveness and efficiency. In both charity rankings, the Fund earned one of the top scores among the more than 40 environmental nonprofits included.

www.conservationfund.org
Donate online