No Tea Parties Here, Your Doll Creeps Me Out

A girlfriend of mine was over the other night and we were recalling our hectic Christmas shopping experiences. Gabbing away about stores and lines and Wii-hunting insanity, we realized something:

Nothing is as scary, or disturbing as baby dolls.

Not the baby dolls we grew up with, today’s baby dolls. The freaky, life-like, mechanical pee machines that pass as normal at Toys R Us.

Now I ask you-what is cute and cuddly about a baby arm and hand that moves? Or something even CALLED “Alive Wet ‘N Wiggles?

My friend actually bought and brought home the twin dolls as she thought they looked the least complicated of all the freakazoid babies on the shelf and low and behold they required 6 C batteries or some such nonsense- each.

What happened to a doll that just lays there? Am I that old and grumpy? Do they really need to be THAT life-like? I mean, really? Is this what kids want? To be just a stressed out as Mom because their little baby doll cries and shits and demands to be fed? Not to mention (as my friend’s husband said) where does that leave room for IMAGINATION?

I sound like an old man….”back in my day we didn’t have these video games and electronic toys-you had a rock and a stick and you turned it into a game and we liked it!”

But really…LOOK at these things:

That baby is totally going to eat my brains, not give me love.


  1. Amen…I’m surprised that there hasn’t been a Stephen King miniseries about baby dolls.

  2. Hilly’s right, but they are better than the dolls I found on YouTube –
    There are 5 episodes and I watched all of them – WEIRD.

  3. Baby dolls are at least as creepy as ventriloquist dummies. I used to shove my baby dolls under the bed at night so they wouldn’t stare at me.

    Wasn’t there a doll from our generation that really chewed? I vaguely remember having a doll you had to “feed.” (Of course I fed her real food until she stank of sour pudding. Fun times.)

  4. I agree they are totally creepy. So is that pony sized horse thing that moves and all that.

  5. LOL! That doll is creepy looking! This past Christmas we bought Bean a cheap doll that moves it’s arms and makes cooing sounds because she saw it in the store one day and absolutely loved it.

    Since she’s had it to own, it creeps her out and she insists we leave it turned off.

    Ah well. At least I’m saving on batteries ;-D

  6. My youngest plays with MY baby doll from childhood. It was one that pees … but in the archaic way. It has a tiny hole in its mouth. The water would just get squirted in from one of those cheapy little bottles, fill up the baby’s body cavity, then the pee came shooting out – the stream being determined upon how hard you squeezed its little belly.

    The girls love to bring it into the bath, filling her whole friggin self up with water, and then making her pee like a water faucet. It’s even more fun if you turn her upside down!

    Oh … and it’s bald from when I decided to chop her hair off.

    It’s freaky creepy, but has lasted a good 30 years.

    I watched one of those reborn videos that Karen posted above. Too. many. words. don’t. know. where. to. start.

  7. I’m with you. Dolls shouldn’t freaking need batteries. Whatever happened to IMAGINATION?

  8. Last night, in the middle of the night while I was sound asleep, my daughter’s swimming bathtub baby started “swimming” on the floor of my bathroom and freaked me the fuck out. It made this awful clicking noise and I swear to you that I made my husband get up and throw it into the garage before I would feel safe again.

  9. I have bought my son 3 dolls. None of them do anything, well one shuts her eyes. That is it. He loves them. It would be nice if more dolls came without the vomit of pink on everything too.

  10. Squeaks is terrified of any doll that remotely resembles a baby, so we’re having a hard time finding a doll for her. Even the ones whose eyes close when you lay it down freak. her. out. I finally found one “old school” doll and it’s her favorite, so suck on that toy makers.

  11. It looks like her eyes are going to pop out. Creepy is right.

  12. My kids have babies that I used to be afraid to be alone with.

  13. How about the one that is anatomically correct and pees. I agree why would kids want to be that stressed out having to make sure when they change the diaper it doesn’t piss everywhere!
    I’m linking this to my site. This is great!

  14. Ok when I was a child my parents bought me baby alive…what the hell were they thinking? Anyway I hated that doll. Fast forward to 2007 Christmas…my mother says Hey did you know that all the girls want that baby alive doll. Do you remember when we got that for you…you hated it. Yes Mother I did not like that doll….it was scary. My mother respons…yeah I think that doll scared you so bad that is why you have waited until you were almost 40 to have your own KIDs huh. Yes mother I guess you are right…it was that damn scary doll! Loved your post on this so very much as it related to my life!!!!!!!

  15. OK I am still lauging about your post….I agree these dolls are scary!!!!!

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