*Let me just state here and now I have ZERO issues discussing sex. I have ZERO issues with children learning about sex in an age appropriate manner. I have ZERO issues with taking responsibility and doing my parental duty*
I wasn’t ready.
And it’s unclear if I started my son down the path of perversion or education.
There he was, innocently laying in my bed after having 3 teeth pulled at the dentist. My son will be 6 this month and we’ve always had age appropriate sex discussions. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina…that sort of thing. I had never gotten into the “mechanics” of sex because it didn’t seem necessary yet. A man and a woman were together, they have different parts, there was love…general terms were always used.
Never the low down and dirty fun-stick in the whoo-ha talk.
I was quietly working at my desk, my son was lazily watching the Discovery Channel. I was listening but not too closely.
Type type type type goes Mom.
…and the horse will need to ejaculate into this artificial vagina…
…wow he’s really going to town!
get up quickly walk over to bed and tv. I look at the tv. Look at my son’s WIDE AS SAUCER EYES and then watch him roll over in bed and fake that he’s not watching.
Honey, do you want to talk about what you just saw? Do you have any questions?
I’m panicking right now. Do I talk about this with him RIGHT NOW? Is he too young? Will he understand? Of course he will understand. Will he GET IT and then, you know, try to do it? Oh sweet Mary Mother of God WHAT do I do? IF ONLY I COULD USE TEH GOOGLE TO HELP ME NOW.
So you saw that the horse used his penis to do something, right? Yes…well, that’s how people work too. Except usually the boy puts his penis in a girl’s vagina. A real one. Not like the fake one the horse used.
Son looks up at me with a “huh” on his face
And this is only when you are a grown up. And when you are really really in love.
Do I say married? Should I? I don’t really believe that. Maybe I should just say it so he thinks that’s really far away. No..moment has passed. I won’t.
Son starts playing with a scab on his arm. I can’t tell if he’s still paying attention to me.
You know that’s what Mommies and Daddies do to make babies. Then you were in my belly and your sister was in my belly.
For some reason I left out the “YOUR mommy and daddy did this” language. I have no idea why. It was like admitting the obvious outloud…yes, Your Dad put HIS penis in MY vagina. Why I couldn’t say this, exactly, is just stupid. I mean, I had already said that’s how it worked. Why couldn’t I take that extra step?
And some people do make babies other ways, in ways kind of like what you saw on tv..and they put the sperm into a woman’s body.
Son looks up at me
You mean they just shove it into her belly and a baby comes out?
Well, not exactly. They put it in her uterus or up her vagina.
Now I’m not even sure if that’s right. Crap. Why haven’t I read more infertility bloggers…do I go on? Do I really explain more about this?
Hey Mom, look at my legs…
Oh god, body part show and tell?
Aren’t they getting long? My legs are cool.
And with that he jumped up on the bed and proceeded to show me the splits.
Our bodies are COOL.
I went back to my desk.
I messaged my husband to let him know that I probably just permanently fucked up our kid.
He messaged back with a “OH MY, I’m SO sorry baby.” Clearly feeling my pain.
I feel like I missed a bunch of things I should have said to him. Or maybe I didn’t. I was just so caught off guard. Stupid show. Stupid Discovery Channel. Stupid stupid stupid Mommy.
Ah, cable tv. You showed my son something he probably would haven seen on a farm back in the day. Or, at least, something close to it. Should I have looked to see what exactly today’s Dirty Jobs episode would be? If I knew, would I have let him watch it anyway? Were the nuts and bolts necessary in this conversation since he’s so little?
I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea.
But hey…look how long my son’s legs are getting! Aren’t they cool?