In Which I Explain Sex To A Kindergartner, Via A Stud Horse

Dirty Jobs.

I blame Dirty Jobs and it’s horse breeding episode that had me explaining things like “artificial vagina” and “ejaculation” to my soon-to-be 6-year old.

Uh huh.

Bwhaha

*Let me just state here and now I have ZERO issues discussing sex. I have ZERO issues with children learning about sex in an age appropriate manner. I have ZERO issues with taking responsibility and doing my parental duty*

However…

I wasn’t ready.

And it’s unclear if I started my son down the path of perversion or education.

There he was, innocently laying in my bed after having 3 teeth pulled at the dentist. My son will be 6 this month and we’ve always had age appropriate sex discussions. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina…that sort of thing. I had never gotten into the “mechanics” of sex because it didn’t seem necessary yet. A man and a woman were together, they have different parts, there was love…general terms were always used.

Never the low down and dirty fun-stick in the whoo-ha talk.

I was quietly working at my desk, my son was lazily watching the Discovery Channel. I was listening but not too closely.

Type type type type goes Mom.

…and the horse will need to ejaculate into this artificial vagina…

stop typing

…wow he’s really going to town!

get up quickly walk over to bed and tv. I look at the tv. Look at my son’s WIDE AS SAUCER EYES and then watch him roll over in bed and fake that he’s not watching.

Honey, do you want to talk about what you just saw? Do you have any questions?

I’m panicking right now. Do I talk about this with him RIGHT NOW?  Is he too young? Will he understand? Of course he will understand. Will he GET IT and then, you know, try to do it? Oh sweet Mary Mother of God WHAT do I do? IF ONLY I COULD USE TEH GOOGLE TO HELP ME NOW.

So you saw that the horse used his penis to do something, right? Yes…well, that’s how people work too. Except usually the boy puts his penis in a girl’s vagina. A real one. Not like the fake one the horse used.

Son looks up at me with a “huh” on his face

And this is only when you are a grown up. And when you are really really in love.

Do I say married? Should I? I don’t really believe that. Maybe I should just say it so he thinks that’s really far away. No..moment has passed. I won’t.

Son starts playing with a scab on his arm. I can’t tell if he’s still paying attention to me.

You know that’s what Mommies and Daddies do to make babies. Then you were in my belly and your sister was in my belly.

For some reason I left out the “YOUR mommy and daddy did this” language. I have no idea why. It was like admitting the obvious outloud…yes, Your Dad put HIS penis in MY vagina. Why I couldn’t say this, exactly, is just stupid. I mean, I had already said that’s how it worked. Why couldn’t I take that extra step?

And some people do make babies other ways, in ways kind of like what you saw on tv..and they put the sperm into a woman’s body.

Son looks up at me

You mean they just shove it into her belly and a baby comes out?

Well, not exactly. They put it in her uterus or up her vagina.

Now I’m not even sure if that’s right. Crap. Why haven’t I read more infertility bloggers…do I go on? Do I really explain more about this?

Hey Mom, look at my legs…

Oh god, body part show and tell?

Aren’t they getting long? My legs are cool.

And with that he jumped up on the bed and proceeded to show me the splits.

Our bodies are COOL.

I nodded.

I went back to my desk.

I messaged my husband to let him know that I probably just permanently fucked up our kid.

He messaged back with a “OH MY, I’m SO sorry baby.” Clearly feeling my pain.

I feel like I missed a bunch of things I should have said to him. Or maybe I didn’t. I was just so caught off guard. Stupid show. Stupid Discovery Channel. Stupid stupid stupid Mommy.

Ah, cable tv. You showed my son something he probably would haven seen on a farm back in the day. Or, at least, something close to it. Should I have looked to see what exactly today’s Dirty Jobs episode would be? If I knew, would I have let him watch it anyway? Were the nuts and bolts necessary in this conversation since he’s so little?

I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea.

But hey…look how long my son’s legs are getting! Aren’t they cool?

Comments

  1. LOL. It sounds like you did just fine. I’d say anything he wasn’t really ready to understand just flew right over his head anyway.

    But what a way to get caught off guard! Who knew Dirty Jobs could lead to The Talk?

    He might have some follow up questions for you soon though. So use that google now! Or just steer him towards his dad. Maybe it’s his turn next time huh.

  2. Dying laughing.

    If it was me I’d have totally said ‘why yes, daddy put’s his penis in my vagina ALL the time.’

    And then my husband would sit on me and duct tape my mouth shut while yelling at the kids to go watch Spongebob or something.

    Erin, I hereby volunteer to take your kids to our farm to watch the entire process…insemination (artificial and the old fashioned way), birth and subsequent castration time for the boys. Your kids will be duly educated and I *promise* I wouldn’t warp their little too badly in the process.

    heh.

  3. I’m in favor of a farm trip. Can we skip the castration?

  4. The dirty jobs episode that did us in was the turkey fertilizing….yeah…

    that sight is burned into all our minds…no wonder the kids worry when mom and dad are ‘smooching’ behind closed doors.

  5. Bwahahahaha, this is so awesome. Sounds like you said all the right things. I’d be more worried about him having size insecurities if he’s watched a stallion going at it. I mean come on, have you ever seen a horse penis? Good lord.

    And: Our bodies are COOL. is just what I would want my son to say after I had the sex talk with him. He’s about to turn 5, so we’ve only talked about it in generalities, as you had. But the Sprog seems to already have the Cool Bodies concept down. He called my attention to it the other day: “Mommy! Look at my penis! It gets bigger and bigger ALL THE TIME! My penis looks AWESOME.” Thus begins a life-long love affair.

  6. Look at it this way: you were bound to fuck him up somehow. At least you got it over with early.

  7. This is true Rattling. This is very true.

  8. Cracking up. There are much worse ways to learn about sex. You did just fine.

  9. OMFG. Yes, focus on the cool legs. LOL! ;D
    Sounds like you did pretty well for so off-guard!

  10. Honestly, when are you really ever ready for an impromptu sex talk? I think you handled it with great transparency! And the recap here was priceless.

  11. I think you did a great job! The only mistake you could’ve made was to lie (which only teaches your kid that mommy is a liar). Some of the earlier conversations I’ve had went something like this:

    Kid: “How did you have a baby if you don’t have a husband?”
    Parent: “Babies don’t come from weddings, they come from sex”.
    Kid: “What’s sex?”
    Parent: “Sex is something grownups do… well, grownups and drunk teenagers… when they’re in love… or horny… or need a ride home.”
    Kid: “What…?”
    Parent: “It’s something they do naked”.
    Kid: “Naked!?”
    Parent: “I’ll explain more when you’re older… Um… Look High School Musical is on!”

  12. “Now, sweetie, then there’s also the situation when Mona gets involved…”

    I’m sorry… really… I’m laughing with you, not at you. Sort of. I don’t let the kids watch Discovery without me paying close attention. They don’t call it Discovery for nothing. ;)

    And I was the mom who had the kid who explained where babies REALLY come from to her preschool class.

    Kids are great at only listening to what they are able to process. And I’ve learned to refrain from my diarrhea of the mouth in explaining things to only answer the questions asked. Because sometimes I explain WAY too much.

  13. Discovery Channel should be showing animals humping out in the wild…dammit. Not a HORSE JACKING OFF IN A FAKE VAGINA.

    Animals mating in the wild show and I could have gotten away with waiting longer.

    le sigh

  14. Hey, my kids got an up close and personal view of an alapaca daisy chain last fall when we took them to the alpaca farm. You’d be surprised. ;)

  15. stupid animals and their stupid mating

  16. Just Tuesday or Wednesday this week I posted about letting the TV teach my kids important lessons about drugs & fleeing from the police. TV as tutor is a time tested tool for good parenting.

    As for the animal sex…..the first time my children saw animals having sex it was as we passed a farm on vacation & some cows were GOING TO TOWN – My son (about 10 at the time) looked on in awe – but my daughter the talker, she had to speak.
    “Look at those two cows hugging. They must really love each other”

    After we composed ourselves struggling to keep from laughing out loud. We said “Yep, they’re really in love”

  17. hilarious!
    that dirty jobs show is one of my and my sons favorite (hes 10) and i still find reason the cringe sometimes at what that guy does and says. but the show is too awesome to stop watching. its made for several interesting conversations so far.
    but really you did just perfect. ive been cuaght off gaerd several times so far. and i had totally read books before hand! then they grow some more and totally forget what you told them earlier and you have to do it again and again. but with more detail every time.
    just last night i found myself talking to my son about his birth and how i “ripped” while giving birth to him and had 5 stitches right at my vagina. he asked “how did you pee?” i told him , in the bathtub lol.

  18. Look at the bright side: it can only get better. I mean, is there anything worse than having artificial horse vaginas sprung on you by a 5 year old?

  19. If he grows up to be a stallion fluffer at a stud farm, you’ll know where it all began. :)

    Luckily we don’t have cable, and my son is still getting clear on whether women have ‘VAginas’ or ‘ANginas’…a big difference.

  20. You handled that PERFECTLY.

    (like I’m a fucking expert now or something LOL)

  21. we had this conversation last year when our girls were in kindergarten. freaked me out way more than it did them, but they did ask if mommy and daddy had sex.

  22. Oh, I think you did fine. Just fine. Really.

    My kid is really into gardening with me and I’ve already had occasion to explain to him how pollination works. I’ve even told him about how DNA is in each living cell like a set of instructions on how to grow a living thing, and I’ve told him that he got half of his DNA from me and half from his father (and that his red hair is a recessive gene).

    And of course he’s been asking me why I don’t have a penis since he was about two and a half.

    So I figure it’s only a matter of time before he puts all of this stuff together, and asks me, “But Mommy, HOW did Daddy give you those DNA instructions to grow me in your belly?”

    Yeah . . . I am pretty sure he won’t even need the Discovery channel.

  23. I’m taking notes for 3 1/2 yr old….seriously funny….let us know how the next talk goes….

  24. LOL. Too funny.

    My kids are a few years older, and you know what? I still have not gotten around to the subject…

  25. It could have been worse, a friend of mine’s son put a movie in to watch that turned out to be porn. Now that will warp a 6 year old’s mind. LOL You handled it great.

  26. It sounds like you handled it perfectly. My parents never discussed things like that with us, rather they pretended that we never heard/saw it. Your openness and honesty with your kiddos is great, even if you feel like it didn’t go well.

    Gotta love what tv teaches our kids.

  27. same stuff going on here! we call them special hugs here at my house.
    parenting.
    fun times.

  28. I didn’t think my daughter was all that curious yet, but she cornered a friend of mine who was babysitting an d asked her all kinds of questions. So we bought the “It’s not the stork” books. (All 3 but the first is for your son’s age). She loves them and it makes for lots of fun moments, like randomly asking her dad if he has a foreskin.

  29. You did an awesome job on this…
    I cant imagine how I will fall into this
    but since my son uses sign language…it’ll be interesting (from afar)

    thx…and thats a perfect picture!

    …kar

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