May 14, 2008

They keep talking about it.

How to do it.

When to do it.

Who should do it.

If they are doing it right.

I’m going to make this very simple.

I’m not going to mince words.

I am not going to say this again:

Much like in blogging, content is king (or queen). If your content sucks, no one will read you. If the product or service you are pitching me sucks, I’m not talking about it.

Be personal in your approach, be generous with the free shit, even be my friend.

But if the product you are hocking blows-I’m either making fun of it or I am ignoring it.

Even the expensive free stuff won’t help you (see: Johnson and Johnson Camp Baby) and even the continued effort to ‘be my friend’ won’t save you if you

a)suck

or

b)have a sucky product

or

c)try and take me for a sucker with your sucky product and fake friendship.

Let it be known here and now: I am not stupid. Please stop assuming I am.

This is not rocket science. It really is not. I have no idea why this is a huge deal in your life. I have no idea why you keep going over this again and again and again.

Debate for hours on end which is the right way to do it. Debate for months on end if PR needs to change.

I don’t really fucking care.

Successful pitches for ME have done it MY way, not yours and their product or service was actually WORTH talking about.

I may not have the same rules as the blog next door.

I may not even stick to my own rules all the time.

Not fair? Too fucking bad. I am not a traditional business. I am a blogger. I am a blogger with an opinion who knows her mouth and her ‘reach’ and her voice is valuable.

YOU taught me that.

Sucker.

So send me your press releases and send me your products and stick to the old way or stick to the new way.

I don’t really fucking care.

If you suck, I’m not talking about you.

THE END.

*if you continue to need reference on how to do it right, see ‘The Business of Mommyblogging’ or go back to school, because obviously this is all way too complicated for you. Maybe you should think about selling cars instead. Perhaps a nice career in dentistry. Or you really might like working as my bitch. I have an opening if you want to apply.

May 2, 2008

I was on the phone today when a friend asked me if I saw crazy Ann Coulter’s latest ploy at media whoring. In all honesty I had not seen whatever asinine thing she muttered because I have been busy, and really she does not rate me raising my eyebrow anymore.

The conversation on my end went like this:

‘Ugh. Her. What this time?’

‘Uh huh’

‘Uh huh’

‘CNN has lost all credibility.’

‘Did she really say LYNCHING?’

At which point my son said ‘Mom what is lynching?’

I froze, told my friend to hang on a second and then said,

‘Honey Mommy is on the phone, use your phone manners please’

and then went through 300 possibilities in my head on exactly how to explain lynching to a 5-year old.

My little one went about his car zooming business in the kitchen and I kept talking on the phone.

‘Who?’

‘Oh, the Fox guy?’

‘a Yummy Lesbian? Figures’

Mr. Big Ears didn’t miss a beat,

‘Mom-what’s a lesbian?‘

‘uhhhhh’ I stuttered…now mind you I have no problem explaining ‘gay and lesbian’ to my son at all-but my mind was still reeling from having dodged (like an idiot) the lynching question.

’sometime when girls marry other girls (ok, that’s a stretch) and boys like other boys people say they are gay and lesbian’

Holy crap what a horrible explanation!

No idea why I said ‘marry’ when I am all for living in sin -other than the issue of gay marriage has been weighing heavily on me as it’s one of the only things I’m unhappy with Senator Obama about…and why I switched to ‘boys like other boys’ is entirely beyond me too.

So later after hanging up the phone and watching some Tom & Jerry I thought I would approach the subjects again and attempt to redeem myself,

‘Honey remember earlier when you asked me what ‘lesbian’ meant and what ‘lynching’ meant?’

‘Mom look at this cool wheel I made-what if I shoot it like a rocket outside on the grass….’

…and he ran out the back door to play in the yard.

I suck.

April 1, 2008

Today in my e-mail box:

Dear QueenofSpain:

Thanks for joining my fanclub!

The Jason Calacanis is a Golden God Fan Club has, quite literally,
 thousands of members all around the world who all enjoy the benefits that
 membership brings!

Those benefits include:
 # A free newsletter every month, direct to your inbox.
 # Email updates every day with club news and news about me.
 # A personally signed photograph.
 # Discount off all merchandise in the Jason Calacanis is a Golden God
 Fan Club on-line store.
 # Access to our on-line chat room (you never know, I may be in there
 myself thanks to UStream!)
 # The chance to win a MacBook Air once I have ‘won’ Twitter!
 # …far to many other things to list here!

You membership is now in the database and your signed photo of me
 should arrive at your home address within the next week or so.

Your membership number is: 0018217

Once again, Mahalo!!
Jason!

—-
This message was sent using MailFool.
Message id: “GMM3122327PJKB”.
Visit http://www.MailFool.com for more info or
if you doubt the authenticity of the e-mail.

Which was followed up by this.

And then came this.

And then I had to watch this

You and you and you are very lucky I’m way too important to be phased by your silly little April 1st fun. Pffft. Sorry, I was channeling Calacanis* for second there. I will now crawl into a cave with no wifi and hide until it’s April 2nd, 2008.

*Jason Calacanis is allegedly important in this web world we live in and he’s trying to bribe people to follow him on Twitter by giving away a MacBook Air. He wants to be the #1 most followed person on Twitter. I got a bit mouthy about it (and the readers gasp in shock) and now it’s become a bit of a joke.  I hear he’s not a horrible person, just a bit of an ego (ya’ think?) but since we’re all in this business of blogging, errr social media, we all have egos. But the fact I have to explain who Jason Calacanis is to half of my audience makes me think he has yet to conquer many corners of the web. Oh, and yeah, it makes me laugh pretty hard too. MWUAH and big fat smooches to you Jason, I hear you live near me. Have your people contact my people and we’ll do lunch. You’ll have to be as cool as SoCalMom, though. Because we did lunch yesterday and it rocked. 

March 30, 2008

3 is worse than 2. 3 is worse than 2. 3 is worse than 2.

Today, she is 3.

She’s sassy, she’s determined, she’s smart.

Everything I had hoped she would be…time to batten down those hatches and inquire at convents.

February 16, 2008

Looks like I’m not entirely crazy. My favorite part of the article is how they reference “party elders” as though there is also a secret knock and hazing ritual.

I nominate my Mom to help. She’ll whip their butts into unity so fast it will make your head spin.

In fact, I nominate just about all the Moms I know. I mean really, we handle needy, self-centered, spoiled, ego-maniacs all day. We force them to share. We force them to play nice. We put them in time-outs for negative attacks.

Can you imagine Obama and Clinton in a room stomping their feet saying “but it’s MY nomination! MINE MINE MINE?”

Now sweetie, I know you have the Superdelegates, but Barack did get the people’s vote.

And yes honey, I know you won Iowa, but Hillary took Michigan and Florida. I know we told you they wouldn’t count, but Daddy changed his mind. Sometimes life isn’t fair.

So long as they get their act together, because I really don’t want to be saying…

I’m sorry honey, but you were too busy fighting with your sister, and that mean old McCain came and took your Presidency. Maybe next time you’ll learn to work as a team.