I’m doing everything I can to not cry right now.
I just separated and sifted through all of the baby clothes, toys, and trinkets stored in my garage and attic as we get ready for a garage sale. Rompers and teddy bears, mobiles and building blocks. That one soft book that was chewed on it’s edges. That one green elephant that was worn and loved.
I don’t want this to be over. I don’t want babies to be gone from my life. I don’t want to be through with car seats you have to carry, slings that I never used but might, or blankets so soft you can’t help but rub them against your cheek.
I don’t want to have this garage sale and I don’t want to be done having children.
My reasons are selfish and make no sense, and my husband does not share my emotions. He had to ask why I was reacting with every box and bag I opened. I told him I felt like my heart was being sucked from my chest. With every new item placed in front of me I had a million memories of tiny hands and tiny feet. Little runny noses and mostly bald baby heads. I could hear the cries. I could smell the powder. And inside, two school-aged children were oblivious to their Mother’s mental walk down memory lane.
Just this morning the kids were chasing each other around the house. They were giggling and running and generally causing chaos. Instead of telling them to quiet down, I laughed. Instead of telling them to walk, I wanted them to run faster. The stress and hustle and general drudgery that is our daily lives was gone for just a few minutes and everyone was simply happy.
It happened again at lunch. With the entire family around the table goofing around. Sharing silly stories and uproars of laughter.
I wanted to stop time today twice, and turn it back once. I wanted to bottle every moment I remembered in that garage and every giggle I heard on this Sunday.
I want more. I want more. I want more.
Me. Too.
My daughter is still a baby but when I have to go through her clothes and box up stuff that she has outgrown it breaks my heart.
I thought I felt completely opposite to you. Every bag of baby stuff I turfed made me feel lighter, better, free-er. Until this morning, when I was using my sister’s laptop, and found baby pictures of my oldest. And I wanted so, so badly to run, furiously, back in time to pinch those cheeks, feel that impossibly smooth skin….
Turns out, I understand you. Completely.
IGNORE that impulse.
I didn’t and now I have 4 kids.
That is all.
I completely understand. Despite having a million good, no excellent reasons why we should be done I can’t help but feel that there is someone missing from our family.
First, I just want to say that this is beautifully written (not that you need me to say that, given your huge following, but I truly mean it and rarely say it — just ask my students)!
Second, I wondered if there was something specific holding you back. (I haven’t been following the blog very long.) It seems to me that 3 is the new 2, and if there weren’t health issues in our family, I would have gone for the third. That being said, I am trying to embrace the freedom of having a 7 and almost 5-year-old. We hop in the car, they buckle, and we can go — anywhere! They stay up late to watch the Steelers with us. We don’t have to schedule around naps. But I miss the sweet baby head smell, just like you do. I relate. -H
You made me cry, a little. Yes, I miss those days, and I even miss the days of kids the age of your young ones now, with my last baby hovering on the brink of *gasp* teenagerdom.
I have no words of comfort, except this one: grandchildren. Be patient, for when you get them, you can spoil them and enjoy them and then send them home to their parents, after which you can rest. It all works out.
Now I’m crying… and I don’t have children…. but oh I too want so much more….
I wanted to have just one more, but it wasn’t meant to be. Or at least, not without a lot of medical help and financial devastation. I’m sad that my 2nd husband and I weren’t able to have a child of our own, but now we can actively plan to be doing more – just the two of us – since my daughter, my youngest, is a high school senior.
But what I wouldn’t give to have been able to have that 3rd baby.
As I approach labor with this next baby, I keep looking at Dawson and wondering why time has to go by so quickly. He’s five. He’s not a baby anymore, no matter how much I’d like to think he is.
It makes me want to freeze time just for a few moments, because in a week our lives will be changed forever.
I understand your emotions completely. It’s okay to cry. It’s good for the soul.
Oh, I do know what you mean. The twins are 7 months already, and I just want to go back. Make time stand still.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I had one of those moments today. They seem to hit every once in a while. You sit back, look around and feel blessed and happy for what you have and the little lives that touch you each day.
Why wouldn’t we want more? They are such precious little angels. Little angels that cause us to not sleep, have overwhelming clutter, fights to break up, poop to clean off places we’d not like to remember and don’t forget the childbirth. But, YES they are worth it!
I know, I know. In my mind my son has been 4 1/2 forever and after reading this I did the math and gasp! My first baby is turning five in three months! I’m quite sure that after the fifth birthday the rest just tumbles by like a quick storm.
Our baby son was born four months early, he was so tiny, now he is 19 months old and is soo big. Makes me cry when i think how tiny he once was and now when i look at his clothes cant belive he was that size. Guess they all grow up.
You choked me up! I read a similar post on another blog but yours is just beautiful too! I would love to have another but once I get home, I’m like, I’m SO done!!
ROFL at Kelly’s comment!!
Listen- I ~know~ I’m done having kids; I had 3 of them and I’m too old now. But, everybody I know is pregnant! And has little babies! And toddlers! They are all so adorable!!! My ovaries don’t even work anymore but I could swear they were jiggling the other day when I met my 9 month old great niece for the first time and she reached out and hugged me of her own accord.. how freaking sweet is that. I can’t help it. It’s like… I just wish I had unlimited funds and unlimited time and… more babies! argh. It must be the biology.
Well said– my wife, and I get all choked up when we are putting our 14-month old daughters clothes because she outgrows them. It seems every time we turn around something doesn’t fit, from cloth diapers to shoes, and from longer hair and more little white teeth. Even her cries are stranger and more alien than before. Her cries seem louder. If possible, we’ll have more, but can’t help to think as a new Dad how I’ve missing out.
A few years back when my oldest son told me he was thinking of proposing to the love of his life, the weirdest thing happened. As we spoke, this 6 foot 4 inch 200 pound son of mine morphed into a tow headed, front tooth missing 5 year old boy right before my very eyes. Six years later we have two wonderful, beautiful grandsons and another on the way. He now tells me that his boys are growing up too fast. I just sigh and smile…
OM gosh I was just having a conversation about this last night… It is so hard to let go and move on to the next part of this life we are sharing… How incredible is the journey and how quickly is passes us by.. Hold onto it and hold on tight … These truly are the most incredible days of our life every single moment will never be repeated again so savor them with no shame .. Hugs and thank you for sharing once again.
I understand completely why you want to keep them – every item is much more then things, they are invested with memories, good or bad, from which you learned something about yourself as well.
Memories are priceless!