I talk a lot about work/motherhood balance. How it tears at me and rips me from one direction to the other and back again. What I should talk about more is the example I set, and what my children see.
This might have been the best Mother’s Day gift I could get.
Tomorrow I get flower-pot number six, and the flower I’ve been dreading since my son was two.
Let me explain.
I have five hand-painted flower pots. All from preschool Mother’s Day celebrations. The flower pots have come with the same songs and the same sandwiches and lemonade, from the quaint little preschool that’s been part of our lives for so many years.
Tomorrow I get to be one of the Moms that marches to the front of the school at the Mother’s Day celebration and accepts a single flower. This honor is reserved for the Moms who’s last child will be graduating and moving on to Kindergarten.
I’ve been watching those Moms stand up and be applauded and walk to the front of the playground to accept this flower since my very first Mother’s Day.
The weepy Mom casually strolls to the director and in a bitter-sweet motion says thank you for the acknowledgement. She wipes tears and begrudgingly walks back to her picnic blanket with her child, petals of love in hand. It has torn my heart out to watch these Moms for six years now. I’ve known it would, eventually, be my turn but it all seemed so far off I pushed it out of my head over and over again.
Tomorrow, I get the flower.
Tomorrow I can no longer deny that one era is over and another is about to begin.
Tomorrow I’m going to wipe away tears and hold the single flower with a mixed bag of emotions.
Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe I will feel relief and joy. Maybe I will be too steadfast in showing my daughter my strength to dare let her see me break down over a silly flower.
Maybe later tomorrow night, after the kids have gone to bed, I will curl up against my husband and sob over that stupid flower and stupid time and how it stupidly seems to not STOP when I’d like it to. He will remind me of all the great things that happen as children grow older and the positives of the situation.
Then I will hop online and whine to my friends…other mothers… who get it. Who will feel my pain and understand exactly why I could hate a single flower so very much. And we’ll decide, together, what I can do with that flower of finality.
Part of me wants to preserve it…dry it out or press it in a book. Part of me wants to set it on fire. But most of me just wants to cry and hold it close, because maybe if I hug it hard enough and cry long enough it won’t hurt me as much as it does.
Ugh. I hate this flower. I’ve hated it since the very first time I saw it given to another, reluctant and weeping Mom.
And tomorrow…it’s my turn.
While listening to some music at our house over the weekend my son caught a glimpse of Sade’s left boob. It was a beautiful photo scrolling by on our tv with the singer floating in a pool of water.
My 7-year old’s eyes darted at me and he grinned, he giggled, then he went about his day after we had a brief discussion about body parts and why they are neither funny nor anything to be ashamed of.
Seems Virginia’s Attorney General doesn’t feel the same way:
Virginia’s attorney general Ken Cuccinelli is hard at work on the important issues of the day — like making sure the Roman goddess depicted on his state’s official seal isn’t exposing herself.
The current seal shows “Virtus, the goddess of virtue, dressed as a warrior,” with her foot resting “on the chest of the figure of tyranny, who is lying on the ground.” She is holding a spear and her left breast is exposed.
Or at least it was exposed. At a recent meeting, Cuccinelli provided pins to his staff with a new seal on which “Virtus’ bosom is covered by an armored breastplate,” the Virginian-Pilot reported. These new pins were not paid for by taxpayer dollars, Cuccinelli’s office insisted.
Rather ironically, my daughter mentioned breasts at our house this weekend as well. She was getting a temporary tattoo applied and mistakenly asked for it to be placed next to her brown “nipple” – when she meant to say “freckle.” Of course we all giggled and then she asked “But Mommy, why are nipples funny?”
I explained it was a silly sounding word, and that actual nipples were amazing and mine helped to feed her and her brother for nearly 4 years total.
“Cool” said my son.
“Cool” said my daughter.
Too bad they don’t think breasts and all they entail are so “cool” in Virginia. Instead the message is to be ashamed, be very ashamed and for heaven’s sake cover up!
Not cool.
Sometimes, as I catch up on the day’s headlines and news…and try to decide what to blog…I throw my hands in the air.
Even I get tired of the fight.
Doesn’t mean I stop…it just means we get a little silly for a bit.
As a Mom, I’m forever trying to teach my children about the nature of people. It’s not an easy job.
Sometimes I have to explain to them that people are mean.
Sometimes I have to explain to them that people are evil.
Sometimes I just lie, because the truth is way too much for their innocent minds.
And sometimes I have a hard time explaining, because a person or issue isn’t entirely black and white.
Then there are things like Arizona’s new immigration law. My parental guesswork is minimal on this one, and maybe that’s a good thing.
Well honey, the new law means that anyone the police believe might not be here legally can be stopped and talked to.
I don’t know if they use handcuffs.
Yes, that probably does mean people like your friend S at school. and N too.
Yes, I know they were born here, and they speak English and their parents were born here and they speak English.
No, I don’t think it’s fair that anyone who looks like S or N should have the police talk to them anytime they go to t-ball.
Well honey, some people are afraid of other people who don’t look like them.
Yes, I know sometimes during summer we look like them too. I don’t know, maybe we would get stopped in Arizona.
You mean the people who come here without permission? I’m not sure why we are so mean to them honey.
Perhaps if the Arizona government can explain this better to my 7-year old, without sounding evil, mean, racist, or down right stupid, there might not be such an uproar over this law. But even the children seem to grasp the fundamental WRONG going on.
After my appearance yesterday on CNN, I thought it best to delve into this subject matter a bit deeper. I’ve invited Andrea M. Letamendi, M.S. to guest post. She is a contributor at Geek Girls Network and my brother’s girlfriend.
Video games can be considered one of our “informal learning environments” because they inadvertently produce learners who possess a variety of psychomotor and cognitive abilities. For instance, a “side effect,” of leisurely gaming is the development and sharpening of visual-spatial skills, including iconic representation and spatial visualization. Not bad for an after-school activity.).
Very little is known, however, about the specific brain mechanisms involved in prolonged gaming. Through experience, we can only conjecture that neurobiological systems are activated—what else explains the vivid dreams (and sometimes nightmares) involving explosions, gunfire, and dismembered droids that follow four uninterrupted, obsessive hours of Battlefront just before bed? And how might we interpret that subjective feeling we get when we employ a combination successfully or unlock a level? Yes, that feeling—both a psychological and physiological alleviation of tension and resulting micropleasure—that gamers say they unequivocally crave.
Disinterest, boredom, or aversion toward gaming are psychological states that must also be explored for us to better understand the differential appeal of video games. Perhaps you walk past a television screen that’s displaying a baseball game—or Inside Sportfishing, Big Brother, The View, or anything you’re likely to ignore—and the response feels like…neurobiological static. Cerebral silence. Brain crickets. Nothing seems to be firing in any part of your body, let alone your cortex. Your neurological pleasure zones seem to be in hibernation mode despite exposure to vibrant images and sounds. Some people experience this subjective cognitive static when you put a controller in their hands. After the initial shudder—we must wonder, why are some people’s brains aroused by gaming while others experience cerebral static?
Clearly, we need empirical evidence to support any psychological theory of gaming. Unfortunately, the state of the science is far from satisfying gamers and non-gamers alike when it comes to conclusive evidence about personality, neurobiological, or even gender differences explaining the appeal of video games. A few scientific highlights are mentioned here to give readers a sense of the current knowledge in this area—and what we can expect at the next level of scientific discoveries. I, too, hope for an Easter egg.
Personality Traits
Psychologists have found that certain personality characteristics are associated with gaming, and may explain the initial attraction. Online gamers, for instance, score higher on traits of openness, conscientiousness, and extraversion than non-players. These traits drive our motivation to learn and allow for flexibility of “training” (i.e., tolerating trial-and-error in order to master a task). Gamers with these traits are therefore not only eager to learn but operate with resilience and perseverance—characteristics that are certainly necessary for killing those pesky Jedi on Coruscant.
Right: Killing. Research findings about video games that contain violent themes have caused much debate within the mental health community. Without question, violent gameplay is associated with negative psychological traits by today’s sociocultural standards. Child studies, for instance, point to increased hostility and aggressive cognitions among youths who play violent video games. But before we pull the plug and assign a therapist we must take a critical perspective. As consumers of science, we are often thrown a chicken-or-egg dilemma; in this version, we are constantly told that gaming and child aggression are intertwined and yet we’re given little evidence for where or how the cycle began—and if there are any third parties involved (parenting, anyone?). Many American youth are exposed to a lot of television violence, for instance, and do not exhibit abnormal aggression—therefore, mere exposure is not sufficient to explain behavioral effects of violent gaming.
A truly understudied area surrounds initial motivation for violent gameplay. What draws a player toward Halo, Mortal Kombat, or Grand Theft Auto?* Here’s the deal: It is unlikely that any one process or trait fully explains entry into virtual violence. Indeed, scientists are beginning to elucidate the complex systems that may predict a person’s attraction to violent gaming. Preliminary research shows that, even though trait aggression plays a role in predicting some preference for violent content, it was the level of competence and autonomy during gameplay that predicted a person’s desire for violent games overall. This finding may explain the high prevalence of gamers—men and women alike—who are bright, self-directed, and competitive. Anything but hostile.
Brain studies
Brain imaging is, to scientists, what Mad Men’s Joan is to Sterling Cooper: hard to get your hands on and extremely sexy. Neuroimaging studies demonstrate increased activation in areas of the mesocorticolimbic system—essentially the reward system in the brain—during computer gaming. This effect was stronger among males. Scientists posit that the reason men are more likely to spend excessive amounts of time gaming stems from this higher activation in the reward hub of their brains.
”My mesocorticolimbic system is forcing me to play Yu-Gi-Oh!”
A similar study showed increased cerebral blood volume in the prefrontal region of the brain during Donkey Kong play. This finding is highly unsurprising given that this part of the brain is responsible for decision-making and planning. Hurdling barrels apparently requires higher-order thinking.
Perhaps the most sophisticated neuroimaging study on violent gaming is one that employed (a) an actual violent video game, i.e., first-person shooter (see Image 2), (b) gamers, as in people that actually play video games, and (c) state-of-the art measurement of brain activity, i.e., functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).
The study found that experienced gamers had changes in activation in the areas of the brain responsible for regulating emotions. Interestingly, they found that these brain changes occurred during exposure to violent moments of gameplay. In other words, violent scenes, not general arousal associated with gaming, ignited activity in specific regions of the brain. The authors posit that the active suppression of areas responsible for fear and empathy “improves the ability to react precisely in a violent situation and virtually kill opponents” (p. 954).
Addiction studies
With the release of next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) slated for 2012, a new category of mental illness termed “internet addiction disorder” (in which excessive gaming represents one variant) is gaining much attention. Some psychologists posit that certain character traits—perhaps the same ones that lead to alcoholism—may predispose individuals to spend hours online. One study, for instance, found that high levels of aggression and narcissism coupled with low self control is a common profile of individuals with online gaming addictions. However, many psychiatrists and research-practitioners argue that there is not enough evidence demonstrating a neurobiological basis akin to substance abuse disorders to render excessive gaming an addiction disorder.
Gaming makes you fat, depressed, and destined to live in your mother’s basement
A large problem surrounding the public’s knowledge of gaming effects—or any subject, for that matter—is how we receive messages from the scientific community. We can blame media spin (damn manipulating journalists!), a communication deficit on the part of out-of-touch scientists (damn snobby sciencey folk!), or what Carl Sagan describes as our inability to “knowledgeably question those in authority” (damn the increasingly dim-witted American public!). Recently, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) published findings on health-risk correlates and video game-playing among adults. The term correlates refers to mere associations—while the finding that gaming and high BMI’s go hand-in-hand is compelling, we know little about which came first. The American public, however, will read MSNBC’s article which subtly distorts the CDC’s findings with subheadings and phrases that imply causality. While some journalistic liberties are necessary, the general paradigm goes a little like this:
Direct message: Gaming leads to bad shit.
Indirect message: If you’re a gamer, society will hate you.
Submessage: Don’t be a gamer.
This is a crude representation of one news article, serving only to highlight the important role the media has in communicating scientific findings about things we really care about.
Whether an aptitude or an abnormality, gaming deserves more attention by the scientific community. Increasing knowledge in this area requires strong intersecting roles of technology, neurobiology, and scientific method. And of course, actual gamers!
*Full disclosure: I wrote this after four consecutive hours of Halo. All in the name of science.
References:
Hoeft, F., Watson, C. L., Kesler, S. R., Bettinger, K. E., & Reiss, A. L. (2008). Gender differences in the mesocorticolimbic system during computer game-play. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 42, 253-258.
Kim, E. J., Namkoong, K., Ku, T., & Kim., S. J. (2008). The relationship between online game addiction and aggression, self-control and narcissistic personality traits. European Psychiatry, 23, 212-218.
Mathiak, K., & Weber, R. (2006). Toward brain correlates of natural behavior: fMRI during violent video games. Human Brain Mapping, 27, 948-956.
Nagamitsu, S., Nagano, M., Yamashita, Y., Takashima, S., & Matsuishi, T. (2006). Prefrontal cerebral blood volume patterns while playing video games—A near-infrared spectroscopy study. Brain and Development, 28, 315-321.
Przybylski, A. K., Ryan, R. M., & Rigby, C. S. (2009). The motivating role of violence in video games. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 243-259.
Teng, C. I. (2008). Personality differences between online game players and nonplayers in a student sample. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 11, 232-234.
Last week I had surgery on my lady parts, and in honor of said surgery I purchased myself a little momento… a stuffed uterus.
She’s feisty. She has a devil tail. She was a reminder for me to be strong and that no matter what happened, I was going to be fine.
As it turns out, not only am I fine, but my seven-year old son has taken quite a liking to my new pink friend.
He slept with it last night. He came home from school today and demanded to see it and play with it.
Yes, my boy loves my stuffed uterus.
Because of our new friend “Uterie” my son now knows all about the female reproductive parts, their names, and what they do. He’s enthralled.
You are welcome, future girlfriends. You are welcome.
