First Days

There is something so hopeful about the first day of school.

New classrooms. New friends. A new beginning.

This year I’m just as worried as I was last, however I can make it up the stairs easier as I walk them in.

I’m trying not to be upset that I won’t be able to pick them up the majority of their very first week because I will have treatment. At least I will be able to drop them off. But even knowing I will be there in the morning and be there after they come home in the afternoon…I’m still upset I am not there for that moment when they exit school.

That’s so silly. I mean, my husband isn’t there for that moment. He works all day. I should be thankful I am there to take them and not overreact that I can’t pick them up for just a few, small days.

It seems like whenever I miss something because of Lupus, I get really angry about it. If I were missing picking them up because, say, I was having lunch with a friend…I wouldn’t be nearly as broken up. But because it’s treatment? Yeah…I’m mad.

And of course I was wringing my hands over telling the kids. Worried that they needed me this first week. Needed me to be there in the morning and right as they walked out…and upon hearing the news I got an ‘oh, ok…’ and their heads turned back to their games.

My shoulders slumped just a bit as I realized they weren’t nearly as upset as I was. I’m glad they are immune to much of what this disorder has done to us, but also a bit sad that they are so very used to treatments and doctors and hospitals. NO kids should be so immune to these things.

So once again it’s time for alarm clocks and lunch boxes and homework. Mixed in with carpools and iv band aids and side effects. A week’s worth of easy dinners I can make after being exhausted from a day of sitting and having meds pumped into to me, while they will have sat and had information and knowledge pumped into them. And we’ll sleep in a big pile on the nights I’m too tired to get them to bed, and they will worry less as friends and a new year reminds them of all the fun outside our house walls. And keeps their minds busy with the ‘new.’

I just hope that soon I miss nothing due to Lupus. And we have a million more first days that don’t have to include talks about why I won’t be there, can’t be there, or need to miss any little moments.