2011

Stylin’

October 18, 2011 by Queen of Spain 11 Comments

I think it lasted a year. Maybe two. In that time before they really could walk or talk and I had control.

Who am I kidding…even then I didn’t have control.

But I was able to dress them up in whatever I saw fit. My dream of frilly girl dresses and hockey jerseys lasted for such a short period of time that I’m not even sure many photos exist.

What I do know, is that my husband and I made a point to encourage our children’s individuality. Their creativity, and their own sense of self. That means that now, when picture day at school rolls around, I ask them what they want to wear and they choose. I don’t even try to sway them to the dress I would pick out, or the shirt I would prefer. This isn’t about me, and it never has been.

And I couldn’t be more proud of the independent, amazing, and totally stylish in their own quirky way kids we’re raising.

Rock on.

Filed Under: By Order of the Charter, Count Waffles, Feeling YaYa, Princess Peanut, Stepford Crazies

99% Has Heart…While the 53% Yells ‘ANDY YOU GOONIE!’

October 12, 2011 by Queen of Spain 10 Comments

I just do not understand.

If protesters are mad at the government, they are called ‘patriots’ – yet if protesters are mad at Wall Street they are called ‘whiners.’

If people express their fears and doubt and anger over their debt, and lack of employment, and inability to survive in this economy they are mocked by conservatives and made fun of by pundits and bloggers and citizens acting as though they are so much better off.

As it turns out, they aren’t better off, they just feel no need to express their frustration with their situation. Good for them. Way to keep it in. Way to suck it up and take your economic beating in silence. I’m so very glad our country allows us all to voice our opinions in our own way.

But what I can’t take, as I watch protester after protester spill their hearts and lives onto the internet, or a written page, or a video, or to a member of the media…is the snickering and laughter and childish behavior from some conservatives who, apparently, find people’s hard times funny.

Aren’t these the same people who mocked liberals for being educated? Calling us ‘elitists’ and ‘latte sipping snobs?’ And here they are, pointing and laughing again like schoolyard bullies.

Grown men and women on blogs, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, NBC, ABC and local news actually giggling and rolling their eyes at homeless veterans, college students strapped with debt, homeowners underwater, cancer patients without health care, and senior citizens working well into their 80’s in order to afford food.

You do not have to agree with Occupy Wall Street. You do not have to support unions, or Democrats, or raising the tax rates on the wealthiest Americans to the rates of President Reagan…but you should, at the very least, respect your fellow Americans as they suffer.

I have never been more ashamed of my fellow countrymen and women than I am right now. I have never been more disgusted with the state of politics in our great nation than I am right now. And that’s saying something.

Just keep in mind the more you laugh, the harder I will fight to re-elect President Obama. The more you mock, the harder I will work to make sure programs like Welfare and Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid will remain and thrive. And the more you name call (‘whiners’ ‘losers’ ‘hippies’ ‘bums’ ‘lazy’) the more I will make sure the 99% is louder, stronger, better educated, and given a bigger platform to make their point and to make a difference.

Contrary to what you might think, no one is looking for a hand out, or to take your hard earned money. We want to work hard all on our own, but we also want to make sure those who can’t work are taken care of too. Those who need help, GET IT and those who are suffering receive some relief.

I have had enough of your snark and your laughter, be a real American and pitch in. Your country needs you and it’s time to either stand up and help, or sit on the sidelines and mock those less fortunate. So far all I have seen is your ability to mock…but the last I checked, snark didn’t solve an economic crisis. Pointing and laughing at the poor kid didn’t feed him or his sister. And your frat-boy behavior certainly didn’t change the old boy’s club where the rich got richer and the poor got poorer.

Unfortunately this isn’t a John Hughes film where the douchebag rich kid got punched in the nose and the nerd rides off into the sunset with the girl. It’s real life where most of us are one medical disaster, one big accident, one layoff, or one paycheck away from disaster.

So what’s it going to be? Are you going to attempt to listen to the 99% with compassion and offer solutions and ideas and open arms…or are you going to pop the collar on your iZod, punch your buddy in the arm while you snidely laugh at those ‘bums’ who should just ‘get a job’ while you ride off in your red convertible?

I could tell you how the story usually ends, but I get the feeling you already know. Let’s just hope that just this once, Hollywood and real life actually turn out that happy ending.

Filed Under: #suckit

Relief

October 7, 2011 by Queen of Spain 23 Comments

I sobbed on my husband’s shoulder begging for relief…

when. when will we catch a break? it all has to stop. it just has to stop. now. i can’t take this any more. it’s not fair. when will it stop?

It may have been one of my worst moments dealing with the news that one of my most beloved Aunts has been moved to hospice and it’s only a matter of time.

I got the kids to school and went immediately to see my doctor and was told I am not healthy enough to travel. So when the time comes, I can’t be there. I can’t be with my family who needs me and I can’t say good bye. I can’t read at her funeral like she read at my wedding and I am so very tired of all the ‘can’ts’ in my life.

I have spent 48 hours keeping myself in check while the kids are looking, so I don’t scare them anymore with my tears. I have told them and my husband and my brother and my cousins just how much I love them over and over because I am so very tired of losing people that mean so very much and I refuse the miss out on letting those I love KNOW that I love them.

I have thought about how to best pay my respects to my Aunt who did nothing but give herself, her life, to everyone else. She was there for me always. She was my sponsor for my confirmation. She never missed a birthday or a holiday or any of my surgeries with a card or a pair of pjs or even some flowers. We had this love of sunflowers together. And we’d send them to each other whenever we could.

When the time comes I am in charge of making sure there are sunflowers at her funeral. From me. It’s a task I dread and yet will do with love. For her. Because it’s all I can do.

My kids didn’t get nearly enough time with her. They knew she always sent ornaments at Christmas and gifts for their birthdays. They remember the summer in Michigan fishing off the docks. They know her from our wedding photos, and how she was so nervous reading Elizabeth Barrett Browning for me. But she did it, for me.

My other Aunt held the cell phone to her ear for me the other night and I rambled off as much as I could when you only have a few moments to say everything you’d like to say over a lifetime. I told her I loved her. But I also begged her to fight. And then I eventually told her I would see her soon.

I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye.

For as long as I can remember she was one of the remaining relatives who went to Mass every Sunday. So I did the only thing I knew to do and packed up the kids and headed to our local church to light a candle for her. And the doors were locked. The church doors were locked.

I was so angry the doors of a church were locked when I needed to light that candle. I had to light that candle. Didn’t they know my Aunt was dying? Didn’t they understand that lighting a candle was all I could do? Who locks church doors? Shouldn’t they be open so people can pray whenever they need to pray? Or light a candle to Mary or any other Saint they choose?

I can’t believe that not only am I unable to get on a plane to be with my family in Detroit, but I can’t even manage to light a candle. Failure thy name is Erin.

Just this once, I am asking the universe for a break. Let her pass without suffering. Let her be at peace. And please let my family be comforted. She was a selfless woman, who deserves that much. And my family has been through enough.

I love you Aunt Georgiann.

Filed Under: #suckit, #SUCKITLupus, Feeling YaYa, Holding Court, Queenie Backup, Royal Kinfolk, Stepford Crazies

Stuck Like Glue

October 3, 2011 by Queen of Spain 6 Comments

I get it.

I understand it completely.

Some days I just need my kids.

Some days I just need my husband.

Most days I need all of them, within touching distance. I need them near and I need to know they are ok. But even more importantly, I want them to know I am ok.

It is important for all of us to know that everyone in the family is present and accounted for, and ok. Some days we just need to be close.

Treatment weeks are the worst. The kids are on edge. My husband is on edge. I am exhausted and worried about those I love.

We’ve tried a lot of different things to help everyone feel better when we are apart from each other for ‘scary’ doctor appointments or tests or treatment. We’ve tried secret handshakes, secret words, stuffed toys to pack in backpacks, notes in lunch boxes…you name it. But nothing has really stuck. This means that while I’m sitting with an iv in my arm the kids are usually at school, worried and upset. It makes learning hard, and it disrupts their thought process. It makes treatment hard, as I sit for hours on end with nothing to do but…well…sit. So I think and worry and worry and think and it’s all I can do to NOT call school 500 time asking how they are.

I’m not really sure what happened, but this week was harder than usual. Lots of tears. Lots of clingy drop-offs. And LOTS of nights with kids cuddled as tightly and closely as humanly possible in our king-sized bed.

Imagine if you will a very big bed, with four people and a dog all squeezed as close to each other as comfortable. And in many cases, even as close as might be uncomfortable. But that ‘stuck like glue’ feeling is where everyone breathes deeply and calmly. Our hearts finally slow a bit and tears dry and there seems to be some peace.

During one of these moments, my daughter told me she felt like she was inside my heart. My son has said something similar…something about wanting to get inside me so he could hear it pumping even MORE loudly so he could go to sleep easier. Once my daughter also told me that she thought only Mommy got to have Daddy’s heart, and she was relieved to know that she too held a special place inside her Dad’s heart.

And from somewhere in that pile of arms and legs and hugs and kisses, the ‘key’ to our heart(s) was born. Something we all could carry around, or wear, on tough days. Something to remind us that we’re never alone, and there are always three more in the family willing to make you laugh after never-ending treatment, willing to cuddle you after a long school day, or willing to just listen to all your worries.

This weekend at Disneyland my daughter and I saw some silver keys behind a case. Something lit up inside her, and she smiled and said ‘like the keys to our hearts Mommy’- and I knew what she meant…exactly what she meant. Of course she still doesn’t get the concept entirely, declaring that the middle of our living room also holds the family ‘heart’ – but generally she knows what it means.

We’re wearing our keys around our necks now…the girls are, anyway. The boys haven’t figured out exactly what they will do with theirs yet, but it may just stay in concept form to them-which is totally fine. What is important is we all know we’re together in this. We have each other. And we always hold the key to each other’s hearts…keeping us close, grounded and getting us through the tougher days the only way we know how-as a family.

Filed Under: #SUCKITLupus, Stepford Crazies

Almost an After Thought

September 28, 2011 by Queen of Spain 22 Comments

My eight-year old son shattered my heart into a million pieces tonight as I realized Lupus was stealing his innocence.

Stealing is the only word I could come up with-because it’s just like a thief. Taking my organs and my health and my figure and my mind. And now it’s moving on to the people I love most…the ones I fight so hard to protect from this burglar.

I was laying in bed next to him, giving him comfort in order to get him to sleep and getting him ready for the next few days ahead. It’s treatment week at our house, which means Mom is hooked up to an IV for 5-7 hours a day, and very tired and worn when she returns. It means their normal routine gets bounced around, with uncertainty over just who might show up to pick them up and just what might be in store when they finally get home.

I had planned their days carefully, from their lunches to their playdates after, to all the things I could control in order to ease the chaos and worry that comes with treatment week. I try hard to eliminate as much of that uncertainly as I can, knowing they thrive on normalcy and knowing what is next. But in doing this, it seems I failed at giving them the bigger picture.

He was nearly asleep, and I lay there stroking his hair as I tend to do, and rubbing his back, as I tend to do, and whispering the many things I say to try and fortify him and surround him with reassurance and love…

…honey I wish I could take away all your worry.

Mom, I wish I could take away your Lupus.

And I started to choke up, but forced my hand to not miss a beat rubbing his back.

I’m getting so much better though sweetie. My treatments are working.

But all you do is go to treatment. All you do is go to the doctor. Every day you go to the doctors. Only people who are dying go to the doctor every day.

And with the weight of a million tears I felt crushed and paralyzed. Flattened and pinned deep into the bed.

He is so very smart, my son. He is right. I am at the doctor very nearly every day. And we are there to make sure I do not die. But he is wrong to be so afraid right now. I AM getting better, it’s just very hard for an eight-year old to see or understand, when all he sees is Mom headed, yet again, to the hospital or medical center.

I have never worked so hard to keep the tears inside. They were flowing down the sides of my cheeks but without my body daring to flinch. He could not, he would not see me cry. This would only scare him more.

I did what mothers and fathers around the world do and I gave him every reason on earth to believe all was well. I did everything I could to make him understand he was safe, I was safe, our family was safe and together.

And then I walked down the stairs. I walked into the living room. I sat between my husband’s legs as he sat on the recliner playing a game. And I wept as hard and as violently as I could muster as he held me.

I had failed him tremendously. I had failed this sensitve, filled with dread, filled with worry child that saw me taking him to school and saying things like ‘Ok honey, you have your wand for Harry Potter class after school? Good because I have the doctor and I will be there right after to pick you up.’ And…’Ok guys today I just have some tests at the doctor and then after I pick you up it’s Slurpee Day!’ And then ‘No, no both you…we can’t have lemon chicken tonight because I’m just too tired to cook, I had treatment all day so we’ll just order a pizza, ok?’

And while my husband and I would throw in things like ‘Mom is doing good she just needs to keep doing good, so she sees the doctor today and tomorrow and the next day.’ Almost an after thought.

All the planning in the world…all the work to protect the kids as much as possible…and this whole time my son thinks his mother, with every doctor’s visit, is closer to death.

I expect this or a similar scenario will play out many times in our home. This battle wears on and on and on, with more victories lately, but it’s length is taking it’s toll. And because as my six-year old daughter will tell you…Mommy has Lupus, and it will never go away.

Filed Under: #SUCKITLupus

My New Ride

September 22, 2011 by Queen of Spain 10 Comments

I own a wheelchair.

I’m not sure how it happened. One minute my husband and I were discussing renting a wheelchair for an upcoming day at Disneyland, and the next thing I know I was checking with my insurance company on coverage and debating between wheelsize and how easily a particular chair folded and its exact weight so I can lift it into a trunk.

We have found ourselves renting wheelchairs a lot lately. If there are any events where I need to walk more than say, a block or so, I really need one. It’s not that I can’t walk, it’s just that I get tired very quickly and a long walk can potentially ruin the rest of my day.

Just to give you an example, while in San Diego for the annual BlogHer conference we took a cab to the ballpark to catch a Padres game. I figured I could walk from the cab to our seats and then sit and be fine.

Wrong.

The walk from the cab to our seats was further than expected, and while not too far, it certainly wiped me out. And because I was so exhausted I asked to leave a few innings earlier than I would have liked. No fun.

So it seemed to make sense to rent a wheelchair for the rest of the conference. Walking around a large conference hall just wasn’t going to happen. Not even with my new, awesome cane.

We’ve also rented a wheelchair at Universal Studios, Walt Disney World, and Six Flags Magic Mountain. That’s hundreds of dollars in rentals. So it makes perfect economic sense to buy one, with help from our health insurance.

It just doesn’t make sense to my heart.

I don’t want to be sick enough to own a wheelchair. I don’t want to need one for nearly every ‘event’ that comes up in my life. I don’t want to fold it up and put it in our trunk and have my husband push me around forever. So sure, while it makes all the economic sense in the world, it just plain hurts.

My daughter is now talking about getting her American Girl doll a wheelchair. My son wants to put flames on the side of my new chair when it arrives. My husband is excited to ‘trick it out’ with who knows what, all while I’m just trying to wrap my head around the purchase.

I’m still working very hard to get better. I have another round of treatment next week, and my many medications appear to be helping. So I’m excited that I am making progress, however it doesn’t feel like ‘progress’ when I am buying yet another accessory of the disabled.

It is giving me an idea for a goal though…to makes sure, sometime soon, that our new investment becomes something of a bust. That it ends up collecting dust, or holding my clothes in a corner of a room, because I’m out running circles around everyone using my able, strong, healthy body.

A girl can dream, right?

Filed Under: #SUCKITLupus

I Still Have The First Lady’s Back…Do YOU?

September 15, 2011 by Queen of Spain 24 Comments

Childhood obesity has become an epidemic in the United States. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report childhood obesity has more than tripled in the past 30 years and in 2008, more than one third of children and adolescents were overweight or obese.

Because of this and many more reasons, First Lady Michelle Obama has initiated several programs to help America’s kids.

Let’s Move! is a “comprehensive initiative, launched by the First Lady, dedicated to solving the challenge of childhood obesity within a generation, so that children born today will grow up healthier and able to pursue their dreams. Combining comprehensive strategies with common sense, Let’s Move! is about putting children on the path to a healthy future during their earliest months and years. Giving parents helpful information and fostering environments that support healthy choices. Providing healthier foods in our schools. Ensuring that every family has access to healthy, affordable food. And, helping kids become more physically active.”

Seems fairly reasonable, right?

Well apparently this is anything but reasonable to the right-wing blogosphere, that exploded today upon the news the First Lady and Darden restaurants were working together to change kid’s menus and make food healthier at their places of business.

In just this one blog post by the Daily Caller, Mrs. Obama was called ‘the first hoe,’ ‘moooshell,’ and there were numerous references to her ‘fat ass’ as well as allegations she was trying to take away everyone’s french fries.

Then over on twitter there were numerous entries calling her various other names as well as accusing her of attempting to be the country’s food police.

Apparently attempting to help the children of this country makes conservatives angry.

Way back in 2007 I made a promise to Mrs. Obama. In a two-page spread in the Chicago Sun Times I told her that if she would support her husband running for President, we Moms would have her back.

Little did I know how exhausting that promise would be.

Our nation’s First Lady has been attacked for everything from her clothing to her bi-partisan initiatives. She has been called every name in the book and then some, and has endured some of the most ugly racial comments I have ever seen. And her attempts at getting kids to exercise and eat healthy have been no exception.

It seems that no matter if she is helping military families or children, she is the target of some of the most hateful rhetoric I have ever witnessed.

It’s time we Moms, women, and men, stepped up our defense of Mrs. Obama and her projects.

For the record (and I’ll try to be as clear as possible for the idiots in the crowd) the First Lady isn’t trying to take away your junk food. Her agreement with restaurants like Olive Garden and Red Lobster is putting more options on the kids menu, not taking them away. You can still get your child a sugar and fat laden soda and fries, but you will also have the option for something like a fruit or vegetable.

There is no mandate to get rid of things like burgers or fried chicken or Cokes, just the addition of healthy choices.

The First Lady has never said you should never have junk food, ever. She has consistently and clearly said even she loves the occasional hamburger or piece of cake…but in moderation. She lets her girls have the occasional fry and chips and cookies…but in moderation and as part of a healthy, nutrition based meal.

She is not attempting to force you to feed your kids nothing but broccoli. She is not attempting to take your favorite, fat-filled food off the local fast-food menu.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at the programs yourself. This comes directly from the White House press office:

Kids’ Menus – changes starting now and to be fully implemented by July 2012
· Guarantee a fruit or vegetable will be the default side for every kids’ menu item at those restaurants offering a default side on the children’s menu: Bahama Breeze, LongHorn Steakhouse and Red Lobster.
· 1% milk will be the default beverage, provided automatically if no alternate beverage is requested. Milk will be prominently promoted on the menu and made available with free refills.
· Food illustrations on the menu will promote the healthy choices for meals and drinks.
· Healthier menu options will be more prominently displayed when possible.
· Carbonated beverages will not be displayed on children’s menus.
· Improve the nutritional content of one or more children’s menu items to provide equal or less than 600 calories, 30% of total calories from fat, 10% of total calories from saturated fat and 600 mg of sodium.

Calories/Sodium Footprint Reduction – changes to be implemented by 2016 and 2021
· By 2016, reduce calories by 10% and over a ten-year period by 20%.
· By 2016, reduce sodium by 10% and over a ten-year period by 20%.

See? There is no taking away your fries. You, as the parent, get every opportunity to do exactly as you want with your kids and can make any decision you damn well please as to what lands on their plate. Want pop? Order it. Want DOUBLE the fries for your kid? Go for it. Mrs. Obama hasn’t taken any parenting decisions out of your hands and is certainly not trying to parent for you.

Now that we’ve cleared that up…I have a few questions for you. Why in God’s name would you be against this? Why do you have issues with a program attempting to give you more menu choices for your kids and offering additional, healthy options?

Do you hate fruits and veggies? Are you a fan of childhood obesity? Do you want only junk food offered to your children?

Or do you just hate the Obamas and everything they try to do, good or bad? Or is it even worse than that…do you hate a smart, beautiful, strong black woman telling you how you can help raise healthy children?

I look forward to your answers, because right now all I see is ignorance, hate, and sheer contempt for a woman who is rocking her role as First Lady…and you had better believe I still have her back.

Filed Under: #suckit, Feeling YaYa, Stepford Crazies

Embarrassed By That Mom On Stage

September 14, 2011 by Queen of Spain 8 Comments

When a mother takes the national stage, the media is never fair.

There are the expected barbs at her parenting skills, her career, and that well worn question ‘how does she do it all?’ heard over and over again so the drum beat of sexism becomes more of a dull thump in the background noise of our lives.

I do not envy any woman running for office in this day and age. As we have seen time and time again the press asks questions of a woman they never seem to ask a man, and the question of what sort of mother she may be almost always comes into play.

As we hear more and more about Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and what she believes, I feel the need to offer a counter perspective. Taking a cue from Bachmann and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, conservative women seems to be raising their voices to promote their brand of ‘feminism.’

I love that they are speaking out in what I have always found to be a very patriarchial society. I love that they are running for office and bringing attention to the issues they care most about. So I am quick to point out that my issues with their campaigns have nothing to do with their sex, and everything to do with their stances. They use the word ‘feminism’ a lot-and taut their motherhood in order to push their agendas. Which is exactly why I think it’s important to note this is not my kind of feminism or motherhood.

It’s something I am, admittedly, not intimately familar with. Talk of being ‘submissive’ to husbands, protecting the unborn from ‘genocide’ and championing women like Phyllis Schlafly who actively worked to stop the Equal Rights Amendment. Yes, Bachmann and her fellow conservative feminists revere a woman who said ‘By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don’t think you can call it rape.’ Yup, these new conservative feminists bow down to Schlafly who believes if marriage is to be a successful institution, it must…have an ultimate decision maker, and that is the husband, and she believes it is a women’s role to support men in their positions of higher authority through altruism and self-sacrifice.

These ideas are the direct opposite of feminism, unless of course the woman chooses to live this way and the rest of her female sisters may choose to live another.

No, this Bachmann, Coulter, Ingraham, Palin, Malkin feminism is certainly not my kind of feminism. And it is NOT the way I mother.

Why is that important? After all we all mother differently, right? It’s important because right now the Mom I see hogging the spotlight is promoting a dangerous and disgusting type of motherhood I want to make sure does not go main stream -and to show the media we’re not all like this.

As a mother, I will not be teaching my children there is something ‘wrong’ with being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or a transgendered person. Despite what you may see during the debates, being a good Mom does NOT include demonizing the LGBT community or supporting any measures that would force to change the sexuality of any person. I would also go so far as to say a good mother would be addressing the unusually high suicide rates of LGBT teens in her community.

As a parent, I would also be doing anything I could to protect my kids. While there are many different view points on vaccines, at the very least we can all agree that scientists and studies should be used when making your decision to vaccinate. What should not be used are scare tactics, misinformation, and rumors. As a mother I educate myself as best I can when it comes to decisions I have to make, and I certainly do not tell a national television audience lies that could cost lives. Shame on Bachmann for resorting to the gossip whispered at PTA meetings about the HPV vaccine instead of the facts.

Another job I have as a Mother is to show my children we are all created equal, regardless of skin color, religion, ethnicity, or gender. Recently Bachmann showed ignorance at best and racism at worst when she said immigration in America worked very well under the Asian Exclusion Act. Yet another example of a mother taking center stage and spouting racist rhetoric, while many of us watch from our living rooms screaming at the tv ‘NO NO NO SHE IS NOT LIKE US.’

These are just a few examples of just how different one ‘feminist’ mother is from the next, and how those of us who are not ‘conservative feminists’ disagree wholeheartedly with the policy and stance of the current crop of mothers talking politics.

So keep in mind as you see female after female take to the cable news shows calling themselves feminist pundits and politicians that these women do not speak for me. They do not speak for the women I know who call themselves feminists, truly fighting each day against the patriarchy (not submitting to it) and working hard for equality. An equality that includes more than one path for women and girls who wish to be anything they want to be, under terms they, themselves, set.

Because despite all the rhetoric you hear from these women on stage and tv claiming to be champions of all females, the absolute only thing we have in common is the name ‘Mom.’

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Holding Court, Stepford Crazies