Feeling YaYa

The Praying Atheist Child

May 23, 2013 by Queen of Spain 4 Comments

My son prayed once. It was five years ago and he feels terrible about it. So terrible he had to break down and confess to me last night about this horrible transgression:

I was five Mom. And I wanted Bolt to be real so bad. And I didn’t know what to do. So I got down on my knees and I did that thing they do with their hands so it’s like a triangle, but not really a triangle, but you know what I mean…and I said ‘Please God let Bolt be real and come to my house.’

And I feel so stupid. And I thought I had to tell you because it’s been bothering me all this time that I did it.

I had to hold in the giggle and take him very seriously.

Honey, sometimes I say prayers in my head that I learned when I was a kid just because I think I might as well do anything that could help. I doesn’t hurt. Even if we don’t believe in God.

And he turned and looked at me, ever wide-eyed, like I had told him my innermost secret.

But Mom, that’s so dumb. I’m sorry I said ‘dumb’ but it is. We know there is probably no God. And if there is a God it’s certainly not going to make a cartoon come alive or give you what you asked for- so praying is stupid.

I took a deep breath and tried to explain.

No, prayers may not change the outcome of something. But they might make you feel better. It’s like meditating. Or breathing deeply to calm yourself. Sometimes saying things over and over can calm you and then you feel better about the situation you are praying about.

A light bulb went off.

Oh, so really they are just making themselves feel better when they pray, even though they know there isn’t a God who will answer them. I get it. I just don’t understand talking to something that doesn’t exist. Don’t they put people on medicines and in the hospital for that?

I stifled the giggles again.

Yes, they do. But for some reason our society thinks it’s normal and acceptable to believe in God. So they don’t think believing in God requires medicine or a stay in the hospital.

Well that’s dumb. Oh, I said ‘dumb’ again, I’m sorry Mom.

It’s ok honey. And it’s ok if you want to pray.

No! I only did it that ONE TIME because I was little and I wanted Bolt to come live with us. And I know there isn’t a God who is listening and even if aliens or something else is listening, they don’t care if we want Bolt to come alive and they should care about those people in Oklahoma but they didn’t care about them either. So that just means there is REALLY no one listening that can help us.

What do you think about that? Us being alone in the universe?

I think we have to help each other if we really want to get stuff done. Not pray. I mean I guess it’s ok if it makes you feel better, but you should do something for real too, not just talk to yourself and think something magical might happen. Because it won’t. You need to give them shoes and new houses. And you need to not be on your knees, because that is dumb. Oh, I did it again. I’m sorry Mom.

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Feeling YaYa, Stepford Crazies

Superhero: Hala and Malala

May 8, 2013 by Queen of Spain 13 Comments

Today my eight-year old daughter astounded me, and many others, by presenting the story of Malala Yousafzai to her class.

She spoke of Malala’s fight to make sure all girls receive an education while noting she was lucky to be in school, talking about Malala.

She spoke of the men who tried to kill Malala for wanting girls to be educated and when parents and students reacted, she told them “can you believe she is still alive and STILL fighting to make sure girls can go to school?”

And she told parents, who had never heard the story, that Malala was her superhero and she hopes she can be that brave someday.

2nd graders and their parents asked me, as I stood nearby listening, “how did she know who this was?” and without missing a beat my daughter interrupted the adults,

“I heard it on the news and my Mom told me some, but mostly I saw it on tv.”

Making sure the adults in the room knew I wasn’t the one who pushed her into choosing Malala. In fact, I had offered up many names from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. to President Obama. As soon as we discussed Malala, my little one knew exactly who she was doing her research on for her superhero project.

It made me realize, as a blogger, that this big, big world isn’t so big after all. Malala began her claim to fame as a blogger for the BBC and from there my very own daughter learned about her struggles and battle back from the brink of death without fear. It didn’t scare her that this amazing young woman was nearly killed for standing up for what she believes, it pushed her to think about what SHE believes in enough to be shot for.

There have been no nightmares, no questions about bad guys in the Taliban. Simply the fight between good, evil and where girls and women stand in the world.

Like many around the world I want to thank Malala for her bravery and for inspiring an entire generation of young girls who are unafraid to follow in her footsteps to do what is right, no matter the cost.

Filed Under: By Order of the Charter, Feeling YaYa, Princess Peanut

We Will Stand There

April 16, 2013 by Queen of Spain 3 Comments

I have an eight-year old. I have an eight-year old and a 10-year old and we always stand at the finish line well before it’s time.

Their Dad runs. And we stand there with signs and smiles and we watch with anticipation searching the sea of runners waiting for him to cross the finish line.

We’ve played this scenario out over and over again at that finish line. Sometimes right at the line. Sometimes a block before. Sometimes just after the runners cross. But we are always there.

Just like all those families were there. Just like eight-year old Martin Richard and his six-year old sister, his other sibling and their Mom. We stand there. Just like they did. We have done it so many times…because no matter how sweaty our loving runners are, we are so proud and we want that hug so bad.

As the stories pour in about so many families and so many runners and so much hurt and pain all I can do is promise that when my husband’s body is ready again we will stand there at that finish line again.

We will stand there with our signs and our smiles.

We will stand there because we are proud of our runner, but also because we will remember.

Every time we ever stand there ever again, we will always remember.

Filed Under: #suckit, Feeling YaYa, Kaiser, Royal Family Outing, Stepford Crazies

Celebrate the Joy in life NOW…RIGHT NOW

April 2, 2013 by Queen of Spain 4 Comments

Update:

For those who are not aware yet, Dawn passed away yesterday almost as I was writing this. We wish strength and love to her husband Mike and her boys.

Our family doesn’t get it sometimes. Aaron and I can sit next to each other on the couch and tweet back and forth, giggling. We laugh with friends and they tweet back…it’s a community.

Dawn and Mike have always been around for those late night and middle of the day giggle sessions. They were the Ethel and Fred to our Ricky and Lucy. Or vice versa.

Dawn and I even got sick together. We even started to get better together. Then, not long ago, there was news Mike was taking Dawn to the ER. The next thing we hear there is a surgery and tumors and bleeding and the words inoperable and hospice.

I, of course, had been lost in my world of treatments and swollen ankles and worrying about things that didn’t matter. So when I caught the news it came second-hand and it very literally sucked the breath right out of me.

No. No. These are our buddies. These are the people we joke around with online and knew we’d hang out with on our next trip to Michigan- just as soon as my Doctor said I could travel. No. No. This is not happening.

Aaron and Mike understand what it’s like to be caregivers to women they love. The kids, the jobs, the meals the worry. My god the endless worry. Dawn and I could bitch about pills and surgeries and pain and being stuck in a hospital bed or on a couch. Wanting nothing more than to take the worry away from our Aaron and Mike and, most of all, our kids.

I refuse to give up hope that doctors can find a way to help Dawn. We still have trip to Michigan to make where we all have to go a Tiger’s game and eat Coney Dogs after. Our kids needs to hang out.

But most of all, Dawn and I need some girly couch time. Where we may have to rest, but we’ll rest together.

Mike is asking donations be given to Melanoma Research Foundation so smart people can continue to try to find a way to fight this asshole cancer. There is also another donation drive where the funds are going to help the family with meals, expenses.

I hope beyond hope for a miracle. And in the meantime, follow Dawn’s advice and check your skin. CHECK YOUR SKIN.

Filed Under: #suckit, #SUCKITLupus, Auto-Immune Menu, Feeling YaYa, Kaiser, Stepford Crazies

For Better or Worse

March 25, 2013 by Queen of Spain 4 Comments

This is the week my husband and I celebrate bringing unconditional love into our lives forever. Love that no one can describe to you, that no one can begin to try to get you to grasp no matter how hard they try. Our children celebrate their birthdays. Two years and six days apart. One a decade old. The other, eight.

The rest of the country will be watching the United States’ Supreme Court hear arguments on another type of love. A love that can be legalized with the institution of marriage. Something else many find hard to put into words. Many find beyond difficult to explain the overwhelming joy it makes them feel.

My husband and I were married and had our two children. In my mind, we became a family when we declared our love for one another in front of our friends and family and even before that when we became domestic partners in the eyes of the law in order to make sure we could take care of each other in sickness and in health and in any legal matters. This happened BEFORE we were legally married.

Some would say, “…isn’t that enough?”

NO. It’s NOT enough.

Just because we were domestic partners does not mean that we were protected had we left California’s borders and it certainly did not protect us in the rest of the US and it’s territories. To this day, there is no one else I want making decisions for me should I become unable, than my husband. It does not matter why…it’s who I CHOOSE. I CHOOSE him. We are adults and adults should be able to make sure the person they want is allowed in the hospital room with them when they want, makes important legal and medical decisions, and inherits any and all and everything I find necessary-from property to personal items. And if I do not happen to write it down in time, it should be common sense this is the person who is in charge of all these things and GETS all these things. Oh, and by the way, this person also gets full custody of OUR children. The ones born of love.

The ones born into a family made of love.

In a “marriage” that did not include God or a preacher.

It also was not guaranteed to create chidden.

I now have no uterus or ovaries. If you were to ask my husband before hand, there would be no promise this “marriage” would produce children. Apparently my body agreed.

As you can see, I’m knocking down all the reasons many say you must “save traditional marriage” left and right with our family.

We did not have a traditional wedding. We did not have a traditional wedding ceremony. We do not have a traditional marriage, unless you consider “traditional” one that means we love each other and wish to spend the rest of our lives together.

As the country, once again, consumes itself with what “marriage” means in this day and age I only ask that you consider one question: What does family mean?

Our family started in a way many would consider illegal and immoral. Yet here we are, with two beautiful children celebrating birthdays and we’ve stood by each other through every vow repeated to one another long ago.

That’s more than I can say for millions of Americans claiming to be truly “married” while shunning my husband and I, while saying things like “why can’t they just have a civil union and not be married like us” and while trying to convince the country separate can be equal. In fact, I think I’ve heard that before…didn’t turn out too well then either.

Filed Under: #suckit, Count Waffles, Feeling YaYa, Holding Court, Kaiser, Princess Peanut, Stepford Crazies

“Lean In”…a little closer…a little closer…

March 13, 2013 by Queen of Spain 10 Comments

…SMACK!

I’m done with this ‘conversation.’ Because it’s not a true conversation. In order to have one of those, it has to go both ways. Not me being told what to do by women who have more opportunity and privilege coming out of their ears than I’ve had my entire life.

And I’m pretty damn privileged.

All women behave differently in their careers. Some are the quiet types that get things done behind the scenes. Some are the loud, brassy, take-control types that get in there and kick ass and kick it hard. Some women sit at the board room table arms folded and others take notes. Some sit at the head of the table and tell others what to do.

Some of these women have families. They may have waited until later in life, they may have had children young, they may be in the midst of having children in the middle of their careers.

Now lean in one more time so I can tell you a little secret…closer…closer…!SMACK!

Some women DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE IN ANY OF THIS.

They work because they MUST. They rely on daycare or family and friends to watch after their kids because it is the only option they can afford.

Their choices are not like my choices. They are certainly not like Sheryl Sandberg’s or Marissa Mayer. And when they MAKE those choices, if there is a choice to be made, they are scrutinized up, down, left, right sideways….you get the idea.

When is the last time a man was scrutinized for his decision to put career first? The last time a man put his family first I believed the words ‘forward thinking,’ ‘courageous,’ and ‘whatta guy’ were heard. Figures, right?

I think those men should lean in as well. Closer…a bit closer…just a little bit closer…!SMACK!

I’ve had it. You’d think anytime a man decided to actual parent he should get a medal. While anytime a woman decided to start a company and lean in to make sure her employees do what is best for the company while she misses a volunteer opp at the PTA she has committed a felony.

The bottom line is we can lean in, we can lean out and we will still lose. We can fight for flex work hours for PARENTS (not MOTHERS…PARENTS) and remote offices and all the things that make it easier to be a working parent in this country and yet there will STILL be arguments. Some will agree, some won’t. Some will lean in and some will lean out.

We’re all different. We all have different goals and different ways of working. Some of us want children, some of us don’t. Some of us want to run the company, some of us are content to get our paycheck and live a less demanding life.

So spare me your lean in bullshit. This has nothing to do with leaning in or where you work or if you parent like a PTA Boss or a drop-in nanny. What matters is YOU have the CHOICE. So many do not. So many have zero choices. They scrape by every day just trying to make enough money and just trying to spend enough time with their kids.

Let’s not worry so much about leaning in, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the judging on who has leaned in, who should have leaned in, and who should have chosen to lean in and didn’t…that’s enough. ENOUGH. Because most do NOT HAVE THE CHOICE to lean in. They aren’t even at the table. So screw leaning in, let’s worry more about helping out, putting women in positions to make those choices and then standing by them, NOT judging them, when they do.

Filed Under: #suckit, Feeling YaYa, Stepford Crazies

Meow

March 12, 2013 by Queen of Spain 5 Comments

My daughter’s teacher approached my husband and I at a school function the other night and told us how much she just loves our little girl.

We beamed, as parents of awesome kids tend to do…

…and then the teacher told us, exactly, why she “just loves” her:

She’s still acts her age, you know? She doesn’t try to act seven going on 17 like the rest of my girls.

If you ask her something fun or silly, she will meow like a cat and scamper away or hop like a bunny.

She plays like little girls at this age should play. She’s still a little girl and I just love that…I wish they all were like that. They SHOULD be.

It was then I think we were even MORE proud.

It is not easy to keep our daughters from worrying about boys, clothing, or how they look in this day and age. I’m glad to know that my husband and I have survived keeping her some-what innocent for a tiny bit longer. I say that with her eighth birthday just around the corner.

What I would give for her kitty meowing days to last forever.

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Princess Peanut, Stepford Crazies

I Second That Thank You

February 28, 2013 by Queen of Spain 3 Comments

It’s been several days since the kids and I jumped up and down on the bed when we heard the First Lady read the word ‘Argo’ from that gold and red envelope at the Academy Awards.

My husband came bounding up the stairs grinning from ear to ear and we all kissed and high fived- he was one of the many that had worked on Argo, so this Oscar belonged to him as well.

Not long after the rambunctious celebrations I listened to Ben Affleck thank his wife, fellow West Virginian like my husband, and talk about marriage being hard work. Momofali echoed my thoughts immediately after the awards show, writing “In my opinion it was the perfect venue for him to say such a thing. Hollywood is one big fairy-tale, complete with beautiful people and princess dresses, and millions of people were watching. I commend Ben for taking the opportunity to say that even with loads of money, good looks and an Oscar in his hand, that marriage is work. If it’s a struggle for them, what about those of us with financial problems, average appearance and no awards of which to speak?”

It took me this long to write this post because of that work. It’s been hard to blog at all lately due to that work. Hell, I was upstairs and he was downstairs when Argo WON and my husband won because I was putting the kids to bed and he wasn’t…part of that work that we all do every single day that is the balance of marriage.

Argo seemed to me to be a labor of love. A story told about a mission that too, was seemingly against the odds. Marriage is against the odds these days. Hard work and some finesse is needed to get through. Which is why I gave Ben Affleck a ton of credit for looking over to his wife and telling the world I love and her and our children and our family and yes, it takes WORK.

Because he said what all of us married folk are thinking about marriage, about our spouses. Make no mistake, I love my husband dearly and I am in this for the long haul, but marriage is hard work. Not easy work, HARD work. Which means most of the time I am muttering under my breath to him …. Argofuckyourself.

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Kaiser, Men and their duckcamps, Stepford Crazies