…that she wore for the first time today

Deep Breathe.



It started very innocently. My happy summer by our California pool and now at the Florida beach has given me golden arms and a very freckled face. Lifting my shirt for the 30th time to nurse while casually lounging on my parent’s patio, my little girl patted my pasty white belly and screeched, “BeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!� as though it’s sheer glare blinded her for life.

I have covered my womb and its stretch marks since well before I gave birth to our son over three years ago. Even when I lost all the pregnancy weight the first time, I wore a one piece.

Mothers of my age shouldn’t go around in a two piece. We’re not 19 anymore. And we have children, for goddsake.

At 128lbs (my thinnest ever) I wore a modest one piece bathing suit. Ok, a little high on the side, and a no/low back going on. But other than that, it was just a black one piece.

Baby #2 is now almost 17-months old and I’m 148lbs. The belly is carrying that 20lbs. My laptop is sitting below it, currently, and if you didn’t know any better you would think I was still 4 months pregnant.

So why, in the hell, would I put on a bikini? And then actually leave the house???

I blame my mother. Easy, I know. But I blame her for everything, so this works too. And because I saw one on the Target clearance rack and figured I could wear it in my backyard only. When no one was around. And I was in my own, private, backyard. Then my tummy could get some sun and the façade of being a modest mother could continue. (Insert your own joke here)

I tried it on this morning and my mother insisted it looked great and I should wear it to the beach. THE BEACH.

So I did. And I spent the whole beach trip pulling it up. Fussing with the skirt/cover up so it showed less ass and less tummy, taking on and off my tank top. Then, finally, just not caring anymore. And that’s when the trouble started. Or in my case, when I had to forget about me for a bit and focus on, oh, say…the safety and well being of my children.

…my son decided to chase some birds. Far. Far. Away. Being the typical male that he is, and the progeny of his dear old dad…a 2-year-old girl-there with her elderly grandparents-followed him. Of course my mother was busy tending to my own daughter, and the elderly grandparents of the girl were in no shape to chase. So off I went. And I had to move fast, because both the tiny girl and her Pied Piper were headed to the seawall and it’s steep drop off into nothingness and tomorrow’s tragic news headlines.

Bizzaro Baywatch Mommy went running (feel free to mentally add the slow motion) in a bikini, in front of dozens of svelte locals and tourists, after two small and in-deep-shit children.

I had to do the boob hold. You know the one I am talking about. The one where you have to run, so you either grab your tits or what is holding your tits (in this case the halter top of the bikini) so as not to give yourself a black eye or flash the young and impressionable Floridians.  

I’d also like to point out that running in sand is in no way romantic, easy, or fun.

I shall now crawl back into my one piece and start the revised hippo diet. It will begin next week (when my vacation and mother’s cooking ends) and involve many green veggies and fruit.

…or maybe just lipo and booze. We’ll see how it goes.

Until then, our beach photos are up on Flickr. Lucky for you, I’m wearing my tank top.


  1. How tall are you? Cause at 5’8″ I would love to be 148 again

  2. I really must stop reading your posts when all of the house is asleep. I damn near choked on the modest part. I don’t know how you were able to get that to publish. Then, as if the sounds of near death weren’t scary enough, I all up and almost wet myself with the boob hold. I would never ever wear a bikini in public much less in the backyard. Kudos to you dear Queen, I bow before you for having the uterus (aka balls) to that.

    All Hail the Queen!!

  3. LMFAO!!
    Woke the kids up laughing at the mental image you presented me…..
    I know the boob hold all too well with 2 energetic boys.
    I personally vote for the lipo and booze…

  4. Honey, if I looked HALF as gorgeous as you, I would so totally wear that every day, everywhere. You look beautiful! Your Mom is a smart lady!

  5. Oh that was too funny! It sounds like you and I are the same size, so I totally understand it and I can really get up a good mental picture! Here’s to the matronly one-piece…

  6. Erin! I give you credit for wearing the bikini. I couldn’t do it. I’m that self concious. I mean, I’m confident, but seriously, why can’t we wear bikini’s? We’ve had kids!

    See, even I don’t buy my own argument. My stretch marks are ugly. And those fuckers don’t tan. Ugh.

  7. good for you!

  8. looked at the pictures & you look terrific qofs.

  9. ooooh, the boob hold. I know it quite well. Damn the big, jumpy boobs!


  10. Too funny – I totally know the boob-hold, even though I don’t have kids.

  11. If I did something like that I’d kill myself. Then again..you’re only 148 lbs and I’m teetering at 180. You are a BRAVE woman. I heart you!

  12. Queen of Spain says:

    Its not so much the weight NUMBER, but where it is all currently placed on my body. I’m oddly shaped after birthin’ the chilrins’.

    And I think bikini for Moms can work. If they are appropriate. So you-yes you, with the dental floss up the ass-not cool. And don’t try and pull off a bikini meant for someone thats a “teen” or a spring breaker.

    All I’m saying is…the diaper bag usually gets in the way of the word “HOT” in neon pink across your tits.

  13. You are a whole heck of a lot braver then me.

    I love your blog.

  14. Ha! Ha! Ha! and Ha!

    I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bikini right now (or any time since I was 11) so good for you!

    I moved! http://www.muchmorethanamom.com

    Come check out my new look!

  15. Braaaave girl! But damn, you look good!

    (LMFAO at the running tit-grab. LMAO.)

  16. I am so laughing my ass off! I am sure you looked fab in the bikini! We are often our own worst critics…

    But the running and the kids and the boob hold… ha, ha, haaaaa! Classic!

    No wonder this bohemian loves you so!

    Oh! And I looovee the new digs! Funkified fo sho!

  17. You are so dang gorgeous that you should flaunt it all the time. Really.

  18. Love, love, love you, Queen – you are an inspiration and a true QUEEN to all women!!!!

  19. PS – You mean the same boob hold I have to do when I go up an down my stairs with the slightest bit of bounce? THAT boob hold? Yep…know it well.

  20. Too funny. Been there, done that. The boob hold, that is… Still don’t have a bikini.

  21. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha… girl, you crazy!

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