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Meet St. Nicholas Hoots Toots McGee Vest- aka “Nicky”

The Post In Which My Doctor Feels Me Up and Calls Me DOLL

I have a boob issue.

Or not.

It’s still unclear.

So today I wore the wrong outfit to a breast specialist and waited my turn to see Dr. S. in a room filled with cancer patients. They made me feel humble and grateful and scared all at once.

My turn came soon enough and I did as I was instructed: I took off everything on top (leaving only my black leggings on bottom…an ill fitting pair at that) and put on a very short, very pink, very papery gown.

Let’s stop and think about that for a second…mental picture, if you will. Erin with a pair of too tight leggings with fat rolling over sides, sitting on a table where her hips are spread in said leggings and belly crunched, where a not so hawt pink paper gown barely touches the bottom of her bulging belly button.

Oh, it was sexy let me tell you.


Dr. S. entered to see me in all my pink and black glory, asked me a few questions, felt my tits, gave me instructions,  then walked out the door by saying “Ok then, DOLL, I’ll see you next week.”

The man just felt me up, called me “Doll” and walked out.

I visably scoweled and squinched my face when he said it…and he left in an awkward rush.

This is going to make for a really uncomfy second appointment. Or maybe not. Because like many things, this may just be an issue to me and it may be on my mind and he may not have even REALLY noticed and hasn’t given it a second thought. Or a first.

Either way, next week I’d like dinner and a movie first.

Letter to My Body

*cross posted at blogher.com for the letter to my body exercise*

I get to step out of my news role today for BlogHer.com and participate in the “Letter to My Body” initiative.

This “Letter to My Body” thing is tough. I say that having spent the past few weeks reading letters to bodies across the blogosphere from women like myself struggling to make amends or remembering to praise this vessel which encases us.
BlogHer CE Deb Roby points to some fantastic “letters” to help get my feet wet in the exercise, Deb tells me “A letter that begins like this is going to be honest and entertaining:” a bit of Katie girl writes, “I’m sorry about the cake mix but i just can’t give it up. i know you keep suggesting that i add an egg or some oil…at least a little water, but i can’t give it up. dry funfetti is my refuge and you are just going to have to deal with the consequences. …. i feel you sometimes underneath the dregs of that long-ago failure. stirring. begging to be freed. how can we do that again? how will i find you? who is going to save us this time?”

And if that were not powerful enough, Deb then points me to an entire YouTube series on “Dear Body” which started with a video from MeMeMolly

So with all that in mind-here goes mine:

Dear Body, ( a parody of this post as seen through my life with an ample chest)

This is a very hard letter for me to write, so please bear with me.

I’d like to ask you, with all due respect and humility, to step down as my body.

Please understand this is not because I believe you can not or should not be my body. Please understand that I find you qualified, capable, and worthy. Please also understand I want nothing more than to see a your reflection in the mirror as I write about who will become the leader of the free world. I would be pleased and honored if you were that reflection.

However I am finding, right or wrong, many citizens of this country seem to react to you on an emotional level. Emotional, not practical. They can’t seem to see your freckles. They can’t seem to see your perfect wrists. They just see or read about your “tits” and venom or praise spews.

I thought that with your brain power, would come reason. I thought that you would be able to get a fair shake by bosses, by dates, by sexists, and by soccer moms. I thought over time people would begin to see that you really are an effective human being.

I was wrong.

Tonight, I’m typing as I watch you get ready for a party in Sonoma, California. I’m sad. There really is no other way to put it-I’m sad.

I truly believed you would be the best person for the job, and I had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that is now at the forefront: your large tits divide this country.

It’s not fair. It’s not right. And under just about ANY other circumstance I would go to the mat for you. However we are a wounded and deeply divided nation. We are a nation that praises young women in bikinis while denying equal pay to those in lab coats. We are a nation at odds with each-other as we push padded bras for our 7-year olds and Bratz dolls in halter tops to our 4-year olds. It’s ugly. I thought you could get people past it. I really did.

When I told myself it was gender that got people going, I refrained from asking and wanting you to step aside. Simply on principle, I wanted to see you be big boobed and smart because they said it couldn’t be done. Because it was my belief, this was all about being a girl.

It’s not, and I was wrong.

I firmly believe while the gender issue has given you a handicap I hope we all one day overcome, it is NOT the reason people have a gut reaction to you or your god given jugs.

In the end it’s media and it’s way of pushing that ‘sex sells.’

I wanted you and those knockers to be lifted and shoved together and in a lowcut shirt because for some reason they still get people very riled up, and not in the good way.

I really hate asking you to do this, but I want you to please step down and put on a better bra. One with less padding and a shirt not cut quite so low.

We’ve been too sex-crazed for too long and your boobs and your name brings a suitcase of anger to the blogging front door.

It is this time in history your nation needs you.

Our nation and it’s people need you to do what is best for this country. We need you to be true to what you say on your blog that nudity and sexuality should not affect one’s ability to be heard or NOT heard.

If you firmly believe that there is still time for you to change the hearts and minds of those rude and stubborn Americans who are clicking with their penis when they see “QueenofSpain” -then please, prove me wrong. I’ll be at some other web convention soon and I’ll push up my girls loud and proud and fall in line.

But I think you’ve tried. You tried with everything you had to overcome that one-track-mind-emotional reaction.

Let’s end the division in this country now. Right now. Let’s start with your blog and provide a united front against the techies months ahead of schedule.

Let’s take back this country for the people, with you and those large tits playing a much different role than you envisioned.


Erin Kotecki Vest

Taking My Tits to See Bill Maher

Bill and I go way back.

I showed him my boobs.

Internetgeekgirl (aka Stephanie Agresta) got the tickets. Odds are you can follow my tweets live.

Here’s hoping he has some interesting guests I can boo, or applaud, or flash.

*updated: ummm, Stephanie fell asleep. No worries.

Message To YouTube

On behalf of the League of Maternal Justice breastfeeding montage “banned” by YouTube, I give you my Message to the Asshats at YouTube. Apparently they prefer this over letters to the editor, so here goes…

and I’ll have you know I did this quick video despite this from the other day:

and THIS today: (look familiar?)

Yup, different kid, same couch. This one came with bonus hives!

Virtual Nurse-In

…I’m breast friends with the League of Maternal Justice (HBM and Kristen) and taking part in today’s day of action. Behold, the Tit Brigade! I submitted your breastfeeding photos found on the tit brigade to their montage! Hala and I are missing (pout) so I’ll add us to the bottom here…but many of your beautiful, milk-giving ta-tas are there in all their glory!

Bill Maher Can Suck My Tits

Dear Bill,

I have a great rack. Seriously. You would love them. I can tell you are a man that likes a good set of tits and let me tell you, mine deliver.

I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you though. They’re just tits, and they are not there to get you hard, they are there to feed my kid.

I’m writing you tonight because you’ve got all my girlfriends in a little woman tizzy. The hens, they are circling…twitter, blogs, they are all aflutter with remarks you made tonight on your little HBO show.

Indulge me, Huffington Post blogger to Huffington Post blogger, and let’s just review your view on *gasp* public breastfeeding (now don’t freak out, we might be lactivists, but we’re no PETA…I’m not going to throw anything on you…just listen)-

“Narcisist,” “Petty” – just a few of the words you threw out there at us breeders. You went on about how breastfeeding was an intimate act, not unlike masturbation, and why we crazy women and our causes need to shut it so real issues can be addressed. You know, because real issues don’t include the health of American’s children (I guess that means you’re ok with the me feeding the kid a french fry to shut it up?) or the warped idea we Americans have about sex and body image and what is “obscene” or “acceptable.”

My gal pal in arms over at Suburban Oblivion covers it better than I could,

“I’ve always considered Bill Maher incredibly progressive, but this type of rhetoric makes me wonder if he isn’t a little more backwards than he’d like us to think.

Mr. Maher, let’s look at a fact or three shall we?

Breastfeeding can in NO way be compared to masturbation. Last I checked, masturbating is not necessary to survive, whereas feeding the infant when they are hungry IS.

How about the fact that by repeatedly asking the woman to cover herself, the Applebee’s employees were breaking the law??? In 2006 Kentucky passed a law specifically protecting the right to breastfeed in public, and specifically exempting breastfeeding from public indecency laws.(Unlike spanking your monkey.)

For someone who professes to be a huge fan of Hugh Hefner and Playboy, you certainly have one ass-backwards view of using the breast for it’s intended function. Boobs for show? Awesome! Boobs for food? Bad! Put those away! Sorry, it doesn’t lend much to your credibility.

So why do people worry themselves with something you deem so unimportant? To those of us who care about the future health of our children, this IS an important issue. Breastfeeding is proven to reduce the risk of diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and a multitude of other problems. Given the out-of-control state of these things in the US today, one would think anything we could do to help curb this trend would not only be supported, but embraced.

The declining health of the population may not be as high on your radar as global warming Mr. Maher, but to those of us entrusted to raise the next generation, it’s our number one priority. “

Let’s face it. If families stopped supporting the American Service Economy, which we’d have to do if we were never allowed to feed our children in Applebees, then disposable income would dry up. If that happened, no one would be able to afford to pay for HBO. So you’d be out of a job (…again) and if you weren’t famous, how would you ever see any woman’s boob ever again?

In short Bill, you should know better that we womenfolk don’t take up our causes lightly. Or on a whim. Or because we’re just trying to hog the spotlight. We’re actually trying to accomplish something a little bit more profound and large than can be summed up in a “new rules” segment that ends in “Hooters.”

Get your laughs. Tell your jokes. Oogle my breasts. Just use next week’s show to join our lactivist cause.


Erin Kotecki Vest

MySpace Thinks Breastfeeding is OBSCENE

So I’m moving the tit brigade to MySpace, of course.

Just so I have this right, the online spot notorious for underage girls hooking up with pedophiles (with their clothing-barely there in their profile photos) has an obscenity issue with breastfeeding. 16-year old in string bikini-fine. Mom feeding baby-OBSCENE. Hellloooo backwards.
Isn’t that a lovely message to send. My tits, feeding my kid, are sexual and offensive.

Well, MySpace corporate muckity-mucks. Meet my tits. They are functional, nonsexual parts of my body that feed my child. As you sit around your little conference table and discuss how best to handle the gazillion lawsuits on your agenda-you know, the ones where you did nothing to stop all the innocent children from being targeted by predators, etc…know that there are millions of mothers who want you to ahem use your brains.

By deleting breastfeeding images from your site, you are telling your community there is something WRONG with a mother giving milk. By deleting breastfeeding images from your site, you are telling the world this innocent act of nature is offensive and sexual.

As you work to rid your online space from predators, I encourage you to spend your energy and money fighting the RIGHT battle. I encourage you to leave, intact, the photos of beautiful breastfeeding mothers I have left as a challenge to you on my profile.

We are not obscene, and we certainly are not going to sit around and let you tell the world what we do is offensive.

Change your policy. Now. If you want to continue to change your image as the smut site for teens where dirty men go to masturbate-I suggest you support the natural acts of a women’s body by NOT labeling it as obscene. Promote the healthy tit here, you idiots.


-click to vote to promote this post on Sk*rt!

***Yes, I saw this post today, and I KNOW I’m being baited-let me just swallow that hook, mmmk? Suck it, blogger. I’m not here to change your mind, I’m here to protect my rights and my child’s right to eat. I’m here to make sure I can feed my child whenever and wherever I see fit. I don’t really give a shit who is comfortable or uncomfortable, if it’s a public place, too damn bad. Maybe you don’t get out much in Kent, Ohio…but allowing bigotry is NOT how we roll here in sunny California. So consider our nurse-ins and actual ACTION (in case you are confused, that’s different than just words posted where no dialog is allowed or difference is made) just a taste of my Mommyblogging, righteous indignation. I got plenty more where that came from-you see I actually back up my blather with deed.

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