sticking with the tampon theme…

Dear Wendi Aarons of  Austin, Texas,

I puffy heart you.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. This brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlza and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX


  1. OMGosh…I was just watching TV the other night and there was this commercial for some type of pad and the chicks in it were like flying through the air like Jackie Chan and doing karate kicks and shit. It was, well, bizzare cause when I get my period I am happy because I am not having any more children am in nursing school and am spending a lot of time and $$ to do this so being pregnant would mostly fucking suck, but I don’t want to fly around Hong Kong Fooey style cause I am on the rag. Fucktards. Only men.

    Have you ever participated in a focus group before? I did recently and it is completely the most stupid thing ever. They asked us if we see trees and plants on the package do we think of it being a natural product and good for you? Every person said, “OOOoooh yea.” Fucktards.

    I have a suggestion for the maxi pad companies…they should put coupons for free ice cream, french fries and chocolate on the back and THEN they can say have a happy period.

    Can I say fucktards again?

  2. That is hilarious and true. That woman is my new hero, not because she expressed her feelings, but because she expressed her feelings in the best possible way.

  3. My daughter had “the talk” at school, and she was given a little packet of merchandise. Along with the stuff came a flyer for me entitled, “How to help your daughter have a happy period”.

    Gag. It’s not bad enough that I’m responsible for my own enjoyment of my period, but now I’m in charge of hers as well?

  4. Beautiful.

  5. Very true. For me it’s happy if I am not crying while watching anything on tv (even a horror film). Or listening to any music.

  6. Yeah, I complained about this back in August of last year. Sad to see they are still sticking to that campaign.


  7. She is my new best friend. Only she doesn’t know it.

  8. Poor Mr. C’s head still hasn’t quite attached itself after this weekend’s Bitchfest From Hell. Heh. Ask him; did HE have a happy period either? My guess is No. No, he did not.

  9. Personally, I always found those wings to be escape routes for stains to get from the pad, to my clothes.

  10. Happy to see it come, but happier to see it go. Also, agree with Gidge about the wings.

  11. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Omigod, it’s probably good for my family that I read this first thing in the morning. I am laughing now. Thank you, Wendi! Thank you, QofS!

  12. Hey! I just Googled myself & saw that you posted my letter! This was originally a humor piece on, but it’s made its way around. Thanks for sharing it!
    Wendi Aarons

  13. Holy shit, I just laughed my ass off!

  14. OMG! LMAO. I don’t use pads, so I haven’t seen that. Thankfully. It’s because their brains are hanging outside their body. Seriously. If it was in their head they wouldn’t be such morons, 98% of the time.

  15. I heart her! That was so unbelievably GREAT!

    Thanks for posting it!

  16. OMG- I am laughing so hard I think I just peed myslef. Probably coulda used one of those maxi’s right now!

  17. Marybeth says:

    This was the best ever….thanks for posting it!

  18. Ugh. I don’t use pads typically, but I especially would not use them with a friggen’ happy face on it! How retarded!

  19. Someone sent this to me in e-mail once and I totally agreed and loved it!

    So true. Periods are not happy. I have to fight to not kill my husband during the flow of the month.

  20. It took me over 10 years just to get around to using their maxi-pads and other products. Why? The name “Always” for starters. ALWAYS?? ALWAYS?? Isn’t 5 days a month bad enough? What do they think I do the other 23 days – wear them for FUN? Or drip gasoline instead that I need to wear them ALWAYS??

    But then I tried them and liked them. The Happy Period thing is indeed stupid though. Maybe it is time to go elsewhere. Or maybe it is just time for menopause.

  21. MUMU bunnylipz says:

    Not only that but “always” is foisting yet another humiliation on the menstruating public. The latest “bonus” packs have little individually packaged wipes which upon examination are exactly the same as P&G’s kandoo product marketed as bum wipes for the toilet training set. P&G’s marketing guys forgot that the menstruating public is also one in the same with the toddler bum-wiping crowd. And they thought we wouldn’t figure it out?!?!? So if after years and years we suddenly decide that plain old toilet paper just won’t do then reach for your kid’s kandoo ‘cos it’s cheaper too.
    —– Original Message —–

  22. I think I just soiled myself reading this! Hilarious!

  23. This was hilarious! It got me laughing my ass off. And its definitely true as well. Thank you Wendi, i heart you sooooo much!I’m glad this was posted.

  24. I had to look it up and find out if this was a real letter. I would feel better if it was a fake.

    Now that I know, I feel very uncomfortable that this person is actually out there in society.

    There is nothing “wonderful” about hormonal chicks going WAY off about some simple statement on a maxi pad, even if it is not the most encouraging words you can need to hear while your uterus is shedding it’s lining.

    Sounds like she is taking life far too serious and gets disappointed far too easily if a maxi pad flips her “bitch switch”.


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