Don’t Look At Me

…since I’m feeling spunky…

I think I’ll tell you what happened at dinner tonight, only because we’ve been talking about my daughter’s new toy.

My mother called us during dinner. This is nothing new, my mother calls at least three times a day. She asked what we were eating. She asked what the kids were doing at school this week.

So while scarfing down my crab cakes and caesar salad, I told her that this was the kids’ last week of preschool before break and on Friday their holiday-laced preschool lives would culminate in a celebration of Baby Jesus’ birthday. No, really. They do a birthday party for Jesus (as I learned a few years back) as this is the easiest way for the kids’ to understand the meaning of Christmas and it’s complete with a cake and everything.

So, before you start in on me: yes, I did send my kids to a Christian preschool. Mainly because it’s a really good preschool and they are pretty God “light” so we assumed anything they got out of it could easily be tamed at home.

Back to dinner. And the phone call.

Just as the words “baby jesus birthday” fly out of my mouth my 4.5 year old yells “BUT HE’S NOT REAL!”

To which, my always thinking husband GAFFFAWWWFS at very loudly. A very Santa BELLY laugh which has the kid grinning from ear-to-ear and me giggling because it was so crazyily inappropriate and everyone at the table was now laughing.

Yes, my son exclaims that Jesus is NOT real and we all cackle.

My confused mother on speaker phone is going “what? who’s not real? what? what did he say?” and we’re giggling too loudly to hear her.

The Kaiser then tells Count Waffles that is the BEST joke he’s ever told and HIGH FIVE! To which I reply…woah, but that is NOT a joke we’re going to tell at school, ok? They won’t think that’s funny at school. In fact, a lot of people won’t think it’s funny that you don’t think Jesus is real.

To which my smartass kid says “but he’s NOT real.”

To which my husband high fives him again.

To which I roll my eyes and tell my Mom we have to go.

So yeah, go ahead and be offended. This time though, yell at the Kaiser, not me.

p.s. Yes, I’m fully expecting a note home from preschool after Friday’s party.


  1. It was funny because neither of us has ever said “Jesus is not real” to him. We have our beliefs, and we’ll guide our kids accordingly. But I won’t discourage my kids from finding religion if that’s where they find happiness. I followed my own path to what I believe to be the truth and my kids will be afforded the same opportunity.

    That being said, yelling “Jesus is not real!” to the mother in law is some funny ass shit. Especially considering he buys Santa Claus hook line and sinker. Fuck you Pat Robertson (just because…)

  2. ooooooh. I can’t wait to watch the comments on this one! 😉

  3. LMAO!!

    We actually have a very similar philosophy in our house. I could easily go on and on about why we believe/think the way we do.

    We aren’t religious, but have decided that when the kids are older they are free to believe what they want and what brings meaning and peace to them.

    And Yes, yelling that to the MIL is funny as all heck. My MIL would have probably passed out and then showed up with a priest to pray over us all. 😉

  4. I am a Church Lady and I think it doesn’t matter if Jesus is/was real. Blasphemy! I believe that the adherence to what the symbol of Jesus stands for – love, kindness, sacrifice for a greater cause – is what is important.

    But I’m a weirdo, we all know that.

  5. I have to agree with him on that. And I love your philosophy — we’re doing the same here. 🙂

    Suebob – you’re not weird. I quite like your take on Jesus.

  6. You guys are hilarious. But I’ve said that before.

  7. Well, I don’t agree. I believe He is real, real, real, but you know that.

    HOWEVER…I’m waiting for a “like” note from our Pre-K party because my son is intent on exposing Santa for a fraud.

  8. Count Waffles is a smart ass? Must be hereditary, huh;) Funny post, Queenie!

  9. Can I come live with you? I promise not to bring my kids! 😛

  10. Excellent and humorous post! I have enjoyed this series immensely. I am looking forward to conversations like that happening with my son. Problem is, my dad is an Anglican minister. I grew up with slightly different values, however.

    A great book on the subject is Pagan Christ, by Tom Harpur. He has an interesting view on the subject, and comes from an Anglican background, so it’s not like he is a heathen at the gate (Richard Dawkins, I’m looking in your direction).

  11. I’m laughing my ass off that he thinks Santa is real and Jesus is not. Oh, I hope he says that at school. And I wish I could be there to see the looks on their faces.

  12. This is terribly funny, and I believe in Jesus. I’d never want to force my beliefs into someone’s mind, and am glad to see other parents are encouraging their kids to come to religion with a healthy dose of skepticism. Now the Santa thing. I’m sure too that he’s real. 🙂

  13. I just came over to read the comments because I couldn’t think of anything to say. ;0

  14. I think its hilarious. I believe in God and all that, but I don’t believe in a lot of the “churchy” things. Unfortunately, my in-laws have completely brainwashed my son. He LOVES Jesus and church and dislikes Halloween because its “the devils’ holiday.” Frickin’ in-laws.

  15. Wow. Jesus isn’t real?!?

  16. Is he, isn’t he? I thought he’d mixed him up with Santa. We told my son some people believe in God, some in Santa, Jesus has not entered the picture. Too funny!


  1. […] know, right?!?!  A $400 test for PREschool?  But the Queen of Spain’s story about the Birthday Party for Jesus at her kid’s school (as hilarious as it was) has only solidified my decision not to send him […]

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