2007

Queen Amplification

February 6, 2007 by Queen of Spain 23 Comments

As a mother, I have certain rights.

One of those rights is to drink at a playdate.

Another is the right to yell at my children whenever and wherever I see fit.

One of my 57 doctors (yes, I have 57 doctors…all younger than me and all following around the Chief just like on Scrubs) told me I can NOT raise my voice or yell for 4-6 weeks. Flippantly he added “So the kids and the husband get a pass for a good month.”

I didn’t laugh.

This is a problem. This is not going to work. How in the hell does a mother NOT raise her voice for 6 weeks? Just this afternoon the kids were in the playroom getting into trouble and my “please stop jumping on the couch” whisper from the living room was ignored. Or not even heard.

I need a megaphone. Or a microphone. Or some sort of bullhorn. 6 weeks of the Queen not yelling is just not going to cut it.

Email me at queenofspainblog@yahoo.com and I’ll give you my home address. I’ll take anything you’ve got.
Anyone with kids understands how dire the situation will be once the children (and husband) realize they won’t get a good Mommy Dearest screetch-fest when they do something awful.

Filed Under: Holding Court, Stepford Crazies

Damn Pirates

February 5, 2007 by Queen of Spain 23 Comments

Filed Under: Royal Pain, Stepford Crazies

Thyroids are for Suckers, II

February 2, 2007 by Queen of Spain 20 Comments

I talked to the kids every day on the phone while I was in the hospital. They missed me, or so they said.

When I arrived home last night, the Count’s preschool class had helped him make me a sign and it was decorated in hearts-the symbol of love,or so I thought.

The Kaiser and the kids also made me a sign that seems to be colored with care and thoughtfulness, or so I thought.

As it turns out, not only were the kids TOTALLY FINE without me, it seems they were BETTER behaved and happy as clams minus el Mommo.

But it gets better, now that I am home and wanting to hug and squeeze my little bundles…they want nothing to do with me. I look scary, or so I am told. They are freaked out by my bandage and they would be even more freaked out if they caught a glimpse of the frankenmom stitches that are under that wrap.

I look like a gangsta mom that got cut. I look like someone tried to slit my throat. And so help me if anyone asks, I’m saying I tried to kill myself from the stress of two young children and a husband that wanted to PICK UP CO-EDS on the UCLA campus while I was being operated on.

He had the nurse in love with him in 2 minutes. She gave him one of those cool scrub hats to aid in his co-ed hunt. And we all figured the pick up line “hey, my wife is undergoing surgery, got a few minutes?” was a winner.

The only silver lining going on here is I have mass amounts of pain killers and actual real money coming in from my Second Life real estate ventures…which I will tell you more about later.

Just to review: the kids won’t come near me, I look like frankenmom, the Kaiser is picking up Co-Eds, and I hurt.

Boy, my vicoden-laced blog posts are going to be f-u-n. I may even skip the spell checking, you know…to keep it real.

Filed Under: Royal Pain, Stepford Crazies

Pain in the Neck

February 2, 2007 by Queen of Spain 18 Comments

It hurts.

I have many stories, including my roommate and her family’s fondness to use the word “pussy” while I lay next to her in shock.

I’m still in too much pain and too groggy to do much but say a quick hello. I got home late on Thursday after getting my calcium and magnesium levels stable and today I get to shower. I’m very, very excited, because I am one stanky bitch.

Thanks for all the happy thoughts.

Filed Under: Royal Pain

The Queen is all right. And uh…so are the kids.

January 30, 2007 by Queen of Spain 23 Comments

Hi, your friendly neighborhood Kaiser reporting on the Queen and her lack of body parts. Not only can I hold over her head the fact that I’ve been published in GQ and she hasn’t, I can also boast that I, in fact, have more vital organs than she does.

Here’s what was learned today:

Don’t say “Put it in her butt!” when the nurse has to check your wife’s temperature for a second time because the first try didn’t work.

Don’t say “This happens every time we try heroin.” to the nurse when she’s trying to find one of your wife’s veins to take blood.Don’t say “Except for when I pass out.” to the nurse when she deadpans “It must be fun and laughs AALLLLLLLL the time at your house.” to your wife.

Saying these things will actually make your wife LESS comfortable. Not more. But Less.

Here is what was NOT learned:

Kaiser = Idiot.

But enough about me.

The Queen is doing as well as one could expect for a person who’s thyroid is currently residing in a jar. She was in rough shape afterwards, but there were no complications, nothing unexpected. Not sure when she’s coming home, but it’ll probably be tomorrow evening. Nana said the kids were great all day. I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to report, so I’ll shut up now. Twelve hours too late…

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Virtual Thyroid Funeral

January 29, 2007 by Queen of Spain 27 Comments

Laundry is done. Bills are paid. Dinners are frozen. Loose ends are tied.

It’s time for me to check into UCLA Medical Center.

Please conduct a virtual wake for my thyroid in my absence.

If anyone wants to guest post for me, that would be super swell too. I’m also accepting gifts.
Email me at queenofspainblog@yahoo.com

In the event I die, I’d like you all to start claiming my things now. Who wants the pool boy?

Don’t forget me while I’m gone.

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Stepford Crazies

Preschool and Playboy

January 26, 2007 by Queen of Spain 23 Comments

I caught my son on the crapper with his father’s Playboy.

Sure, it was upside down. Sure, he’s only 3 1/2-years old.

But I’ll be damned if he didn’t get all embarrassed and throw it to the ground.

When I asked him, laughing, what he was doing he said, “Nothing,” with a shit-eating grin on his face.

The magazine may have been upside down, but it was clearly not the monthly interview portion of the rag.

I don’t care in the slightest that he’s looking at naked women. I don’t care that he’s curious and thinks its funny to see boobs. BUT, if we hide those magazines do we implant the idea that what he did was wrong? If we don’t hide them, will he be playing doctor with the girls at preschool a little too soon?

Do you hide your Playboy? Do you leave it out? Do you keep it under the sink counter and if the kids look, they look?

I don’t want to give the impression there is anything wrong with nudity or exploring your sexuality or getting that tingly feeling down below.

I also don’t want to raise a perv.

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Stepford Crazies

The State of the Union Made Me Cry

January 23, 2007 by Queen of Spain 20 Comments

**crossposted at the Huffington Post***

I got the kids ready for bed early tonight.

I had my laptop ready to do a running diary of everything the President said.

Four whole seconds into the State of the Union and I am reduced to tears of joy by President George W. Bush.

Yeah, I’m surprised too.

I’ve followed the politics, the history, the races, the implications…but it really didn’t hit me until Bush just said it:

Madame Speaker.

With my daughter by my side, tears began to flow and all of the nonsense of this past election and of the one around the corner took a backseat.

Madame Speaker.

This moment just transcended beyond catchphrases like “feminist” and “glass ceiling.”

Madame Speaker.

With my daughter by my side, I just had one of those moments I will never forget for as long as I live.

I cried like a girl.

A damn proud girl.

Madame Speaker.

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa