Jesus Was A Zombie

The following conversation took place between myself and my two children on our way home from school this week. I was driving and singing Christmas songs (something my kids HATE) when I was asked to turn the volume down so we could ‘talk.’

Night two!

Mom, why do we celebrate Easter?

Well, Easter is a time for renewal. And birth. And babies. And Spring and flowers and everything from winter that was dark and cold, turns to warm and light. So we celebrate the Spring, and in our house, the Easter Bunny- who brings eggs and chocolate and fun! Some other people celebrate Easter because they believe Jesus – remember him?

The Space Ghost guy…

Yes. Well they believe he rose from the dead on Easter.

You mean like a zombie?

Well, no…not  exactly.

Because Jesus was nice.

Yes, he was very nice.

So really he was like one of those zombies, but he had a mind control helmet.

And he doesn’t eat brains!

No, he doesn’t eat brains, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t wear a helmet.

So there are nice zombies?

Well no honey, there aren’t really zombies. Remember, zombies are not real.

So Jesus isn’t real either, like you said. Zombies aren’t real and Jesus isn’t real.

Well some people think he’s real, and some don’t.

Well if zombies aren’t real then Jesus can’t be real.

Unless he had the helmet. Because the helmet could be controlled by anyone and that would make him real and like a remote control zombie.

Listen. We can’t talk about Jesus being a remote control zombie with a helmet when we’re not in the car, ok?

Why not?

Because I said so, ok?

You mean like we have to say ‘Gosh’ instead of ‘God’ … you mean like that?

Yes, like that exactly.

I bet you he did eat brains though, all zombies have to eat. Even if they have the mind control helmet.

But nice Jesus Zombies wouldn’t eat brains, they would eat fruit.

But I don’t like fruit Mom. Maybe he likes cheeseburgers instead of brains. Or sushi! Because I love sushi!

But I like fruit, so it’s ok if Jesus likes fruit. And zombies maybe like fruit too, but maybe not. I don’t think they can chew it good because they don’t have many teeth.

Did Jesus have a lot of teeth?

I… yes… no… I don’t know how many teeth Jesus had! Can we just sing more songs?

…sigh.

We’re going to hell.

Comments

  1. I think Jesus actually had a good sense of humor. And I don’t think he was a big fruit fan – he blasted that fig tree, didn’t he?
    .-= Suebob´s last blog ..Just a poem about art =-.

  2. Jack will be so disappointed if Jesus did not like fruit.

  3. See you there. ;)
    .-= Cynematic´s last blog ..Why This Woman of Color Doesn’t Carry Water for Right Wing Women =-.

  4. So if we all really do end up in hell… they will have PJ pants and Gilmore Girls on repeat … right?

  5. A zombie, maybe, sure.

    Or a vampire. Like Louis in Interview with the Vampire.
    Mmmm, sexy hot vampire Jesus.

    I’ll bring the margaritas. You know. To Hell.

  6. I always thought Jesus was a lot like Santa….He sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you are awake….so you better be good……
    .-= Erin from Long Island´s last blog ..A blast from the past =-.

  7. I love you guys.

  8. Love the conversation :-)

  9. This time of year gives rise to some of the *best* conversations with children (can you hear my sarcasm?). This year we’ve gone as far as “I AM NOT A JEW, I BELIEVE IN JESUS BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME” (them) “It’s a culture AND a religion, and it’s fine with me if you don’t want to embrace the religious part because I don’t either, but pipe down about Jesus while I light the menorah, please” (me) “I’M NOT A JEW! I’M NOT! NOT AT ALL!” (them) and “OH YEAH? GO IN THE BATHROOM AND LOOK AT YOUR JUNK, THEN, WHILE THE REST OF US LIGHT TO FREAKING CANDLES” (me).

    It’s the most wonderful time…of the year.

  10. So awesome. Way to be there, right there, with your kids and their creative questions and comments. Cracked me up all the way through breakfast. Thank you!

  11. Your family is Hilarious – Seriously I don’t know how you didn’t bust up laughing at so many points in that conversation. Thanks for sharing. Love it!

  12. Look at the bright side…in hell, we’ll never have to wait for our water to boil.

  13. RiceWenchie says:

    I laughed so hard I cried! You guys have the BEST conversations.

  14. I love your kids!

  15. Best blog line?

    “Listen. We can’t talk about Jesus being a remote control zombie with a helmet when we’re not in the car, ok?”

    I could hear it in my head… ;)

  16. Michele Miller says:

    Awesome. Just plain awesome.

  17. Aprille/ @eileen53 says:

    Oh, that so rocks!

  18. We have the same sort of rules in our house about things we can say and talk about at home and in the car that we can’t say anywhere else. Loved that!

    And I can totally see where he got the Zombie thing…
    .-= Sarah Auerswald´s last blog ..My CNN Appearance- Live TV Is A Trip =-.

  19. Oh my, Erin. *laughs* Wait until Sarah Palin gets hold of this post. :-)
    .-= Nordette´s last blog ..Wikileaks Spoofed- SNL- TMZ- and the Bellatrix Lestrange-Voldemort Connection =-.

  20. Now, see, I just told my kid, when he asked about Easter last year, that Jesus was a Jewish community organizer who lived a long time ago and was unfortunately killed by the authorities because he wanted people to be kind to those who were different than themselves (like foreigners people with other religions), wanted well people to care for the sick, and wanted rich people to give all their extra stuff to the poor, and that sort of social activism scared certain people then in the same way it scares certain people today.

    And then before I could even get to the “Son of God or zombie?” question, my kid was bawling inconsolably and saying “Poor Jesus! He just wanted us to be kind to each other!” and then I felt like a terrible, terrible person.
    .-= Jaelithe´s last blog ..So That Happened =-.

  21. I love the way kids think.

  22. This is so funny and sweet! I think Jesus is grinning while He listens to your conversation!

  23. This sounds like a conversation I have with my almost 5-year old on a regular basis, complete with what can be said at home and out in public. And we’ve had many zombie conversations that result in my 3 year old singing “All I want to do is eat your brains!” at the top of his lungs! So I guess that means we’re going to hell too. I’ll see you there!

  24. We are religiously ambiguous in my house as well. My daughter has decided she only likes Baby J, not the grown-up version – zombie or not. Is there a religion for that?

  25. Look Erin, as usual your kids are cracking me up but seriously now… where in hell can I buy that that mind control zombie helmet? Don’t hold out on us her:)
    .-= geekbabe´s last blog ..Rants from the Sofa Snark =-.

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