Five.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to put into words my emotions today. I want to blog about my youngest turning five. How she’s gotten her ears pierced. How she couldn’t be more proud to be turning into a ‘big girl.’

But it’s too complex for what feels like puny words. Words that will pale in comparison to what’s happening in my heart and in my head.

All I know is carrying her is hard. She’s getting too big for me to hold on my hip. My hip that’s held her and her brother for so many years. My hip that’s labored under the weight of what I always, lovingly, called my ‘sack of potatoes.’

My hips aren’t done. They want more. And I ache and cry as I stand and automatically shift my weight…swaying the sway of a woman with a child on her hip.

And then she started licking me lol

But my hand now slips from her bottom and her weight is just nearly too much.

This hip will soon be empty.

And I honestly can’t bear the pain and sting, when I so badly long for this hip to be full.

Play

For as much ‘time’ as I spend with my kids, I rarely play with them.

There’s work to be done. There’s finally no work to be done and time to just sit. There’s …fill-in-the-blank.

And then there is my dirty little secret: I really don’t enjoy it.

I can’t play Lego’s for that long. My ass starts to get numb on the floor and I suck at putting things together. I can only pretend a stuffed dog and a stuffed cat are best friends and make food in the pretend kitchen for a bit before my eyes glaze over and I check Twitter or begin to read the news.

So tonight, after an exhausting double birthday party at my home, where children screamed and jumped and made a mess…I sat down in a heap of defeat only to hear ‘Mom…you haven’t jumped in the jumper with us yet!’

I knew I could get out of it. I knew I could say no. I knew I could easily send them off to spend another 30 minutes in the rented monstrosity on my front lawn.

But I didn’t say no. I said yes.

I think the kids are better at this than I am

Mind you I didn’t last for more than a few slides and a few jumps…but I said yes. And I smiled and jumped and laughed for those very brief moments and came back inside.

It wasn’t much. But I said yes.

Possibles

My husband teases me a lot. Whenever we can’t be together because I’m traveling, or we don’t get that “alone” time due to the kids…he reminds me we’ve got “50 or 60 years… your whole life baby!” And he pulls me close and kisses me and lets me know just how long forever really is.

But on the morning of the health care reform vote in the House, I had to tell my son his music teacher passed away. And it got me to thinking that maybe, just maybe, we don’t have 50 or 60 more years. And maybe, just maybe, this could all end tomorrow.

photo.jpg

My son took the news as any “almost” seven-year old would. He got upset, he teared up, he lamented that he didn’t get a turn in the last game she played with them in class. Apparently the beloved Miss Mary would “lose her voice” as she sang to the kids…and they would eventually discover it in her pocket. My little guy was upset he’d never get his turn to find her voice.

I was upset for him. And I held him close and asked if he’d like to play the teacher’s fun game at home. He quickly became distracted with a toy and ran off to play, while I sat there…feeling empty and worrisome over all the reasons any one of us might not get “our turn” at whatever game was next.

I’m the first to admit I worry. I worry for my family, of course. But also for my friends spread far and wide across the world. And I’m also the first to admit I’d much rather be in control. I want my son to get another turn finding Miss Mary’s voice. I want to make sure my husband gets the 50 or 60 years he’s anticipating with me. I want my children to know that yes, everything really does turn out ok.

But when you have to explain cancer to a little boy, and explain why he should hug his classmates a little tighter on Monday…it’s hard. Actually, it’s beyond hard. It’s like taking a little bit of innocence and crushing it under your adult foot.

There are no guarantees. Nothing is certain. It’s the worst and most important lesson to teach a child.

My son knew. He understood. And much like his mother he quickly put it out of his head and moved on to something that made him happy. Denial? Maybe. Coping? Sure. I don’t expect a seven-year old to face death like his mother…wondering over when it’s her turn, anxious for test results from yet another doctor trip. Trying to not make mountains out of mole hills.

He turns seven on Wednesday. Not much of a “little” boy anymore and ready to hear a lot of these truths I so desperately wish he didn’t need to know. But that seven-year old, that very night, spilled the contents of his “possibles” box onto my bed.

The content of my son's "possibles" box
With love and care he told me about each stone. Each coin. Each treasure. How he would one day find more. How he would one day discover treasures no one has ever seen. How he would one day have an even BIGGER box of “possibles.”

And with all those “possibles” in my heart I tell him anyway of the truths we face. I tell him with a heavy heart and a big hug. Knowing that with the truth of the unexpected, and of life…he would be better for it in the end. Hoping that with the knowledge he will find HIS voice, and move forward as his father and I do…hoping for many, many years of being together, and tons upon tons of love.

Socks

I looked down at my feet tonight and saw sock that weren’t my own.

Just plain white socks.

I squinched my face and tried to remember where I had snagged them from.

A drawer?

A laundry basket?

The counter by the shoes, I think?

My feet were cold. My feet are always cold. And I went for the first pair I could find.

I squinched my face again peering at these white socks realizing they weren’t mine, but they also weren’t my husband’s.

Odd, I thought.

And then…my heart fell into my stomach, my eyes grew wide, and my mind began to race.

These are my son’s socks.

I’m wearing my son’s socks.

My son has feet big enough to wear sock that would fit my feet.

My son that is six. He’s SIX. He’s not seven for two more weeks.

How can my baby boy possibly have feet that would wear socks that would even come close to fitting my feet?

I’m wearing my son’s socks. And they fit.

And I mourn. And I celebrate. And I mourn.

Just plain white socks.

My guy

Hey (white) Girl Do Your Thang

There is a big discussion going on over at BlogHer right now, tackling the complex issues of race, culture, identity… things that aren’t easy to unravel.

Which happens to be going on as I pulled my daughter from her suburban ballet class…and added her to a suburban hip-hop class.

Yup. My soon-to-be five-year old is shaking it to Tina Turner and Beyonce.

But considering this discussion at BlogHer…I’m torn. My daughter is having fun, my daughter is learning dance and generally oblivious to any cultural issues that may surround what’s going on. But Mom is well aware she’s the little white girl emulating black culture. There is positive and negative here. The positive in her being exposed to it, and the negative being the dilution of that culture.

It’s not lost on me that little white girls in the suburbs are taking hip-hop, and the ramifications there of. It’s not lost on me that while acceptance and mainstream can aid in race issues, they can also harm and make things worse.

No, this isn’t step and this isn’t a pow wow…but it’s food for thought.

So a Funny Thing Happened While I Was Watching the Health Care Summit

crossposted at BlogHer.com

There I was, knee-deep in my element. Answering work e-mails, editing posts, watching whitehouse.gov‘s live stream of the Health Care Summit at Blair House. I was screaming at my screen, tweet cheering the Dems and tweet jeering the GOP … sitting in my pjs, loving life.

Then the phone rang.

Mrs. Vest this is N, the school nurse. Your son is in my office with an abnormal bloody nose, can you come right away?

Jack's 1st, and hopefully last, concussion

The rest is kind of a blur. The kind of blur a parent gets when you get a call you don’t exactly understand but know your child needs you NOW.

My first reaction was to grab my wallet and keys and run, and then I realized I wasn’t dressed. I threw on clothes while thinking

bloody nose?

wait … why am I rushing to school for a bloody nose?

abnormal?

did she say clots?

Clothes on, I grabbed my wallet and keys, typed an incoherent message to my work colleagues (I think it said something like “school called bloody nose clots jack running”) and bolted out the door.

I called my husband on the way, said I would call when I knew more, and then maybe broke several laws driving from my street to my son’s school — which I have now deemed too far away.

I might have passed a California Highway Patrol cruiser along the way, and I might have been a)on the phone and b)driving like a bat out of hell and c)thinking “Fucking Chase Me Copper — I’ll pull into the school parking lot, and you can ticket me as I run to my kid.” I swear to you I made eye contact with the officer behind the wheel, and it was the “I’m a mom on a MISSION DO NOT MESS WITH ME IN THIS MINIVAN” look. It worked. I blew past him, and he stayed right there putzing along while the drivers around me were clearly doing the “OMG is that woman insane there is a COP RIGHT THERE” thing.

I parked at the school and then did the run/walk but don’t really run walky thing to the door thinking the entire time “calm down, she said bloody nose … but what nurse calls for a bloody nose???”

And there was my boy. Ice pack on face and blood everywhere.

He seemed OK. He was chatty as hell about his day. The nurse and teacher told me of the students finding him bleeding all over his sandwich at lunch, he didn’t say he hit his head. But there were clots and blood from both nostrils, from his mouth — it was so overwhelming.

Decisions were made and off we went to lay on the couch for the day. Thinking he had a bad bloody nose and wanting him to at least be cleaned up, it seemed sane to just bring him home.

Except a funny thing happened on the way to our house. Upon reliving his harrowing tale of bloody nose horror … my first grader’s speech began to slur.

Without even contemplating I put on my left blinker, darted across two lanes, and headed straight for the local ER. I kept talking to him. He kept drifting in and out of making sense. He was telling me now he did bump heads with someone. But his story kept changing. He was confused.

My heart racing, I drove the mile to our local hospital — it seemed like 20 — and my questions to the backseat were resulting in answers like “soffa hitta hwead.”

Left turn signal. Lane change. Park. Carry child into ER. Again the look in my eyes paid off and my quick explanation and fast signature had us back and in a bed in under five minutes. The doctor was there not two minutes later.

He's not slurring anymore & thinks cat scans rock. The bump? His stuffed turtle

Eyes OK. Nose OK. CAT scan shows no bleeding. No fracture. Diagnosis = concussion.

Now here’s where I finally exhale. Not entirely, mind you. But I exhale, and I look around. Now I am actually capable of looking around.

It turns out this place is filled with people and doctors and nurses and moaning and IVs and hustle and bustle. Things you don’t see until you exhale.

Two beds down I see two Sheriff’s deputies and someone obviously in custody. Across from us, a mother and two sons. Directly to our left I hear broken English and understand enough Spanish to know a dog bit a girl and she was crying telling her mother she shouldn’t have played with the puppy without asking their neighbor first.

Then came the woman with the clipboard. Like they always do. First to my son and me. I hand over our insurance information and card, explain that I am the primary card holder, not my husband (that annoys me every damn time), and she moves to the curtain next to us.

No tengo seguro médico.

Then the next.

Nah, this gangbanger doesn’t have insurance. I bet you he doesn’t even have a real job. Hahahahaha

Then the next.

Well, I think my ex-husband might still have the boys under his insurance but he lost his job, so I’m not sure. Can I just put down his name and number?

Then to the next.

Nah, I ain’t got no insurance. I lost that when I lost my benefits, and I’m still waiting on my VA paperwork. I ain’t got no VA paperwork yet but the lady down there said she’d get it to me soon.

There we sat in the “Fast Track” area of the typical American emergency room, and I was the only one with insurance coverage.

Not an hour or two before, I was actually enjoying and cheering and jeering the political theater in Washington. I sat at my desk from 7 a.m. until the phone call I got at lunch, engrossed in every word coming out of every politician’s mouth sitting at that summit.

How they would do it. How they want to do it. Which way they should do it. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who’s been wronged? All the talk of costs and deficits and government control. The talking and talking and talking that from one room in D.C. seemed entirely out of place in this California ER.

But at least for me, sitting in that ER, health care in America — and the battle over reform — was very clear. There were no questions. Criminals and children were being treated, and bills would come due. And there I was, on the edge of my son’s bed, the only one with insurance. THE ONLY ONE.

I missed the remainder of the health care summit to be with my son in that emergency room. I’m glad I missed whatever discussion was had. Because I was sitting there in the middle of the answer, in the middle of an ER, in the middle of a crisis that MUST be fixed.

As the only one WITH insurance today as those beds were strewn with dog bites and rashes and knife wounds and heart attacks, and yes, concussions … as the ONLY ONE with the privilege of having the means to have an insurance company pick up part of today’s bill — I said loudly and I said clearly for those in that room with me: Shut Up, Washington.

I am not any more privileged than the girl in the bed next to me or the family across from us or that alleged criminal two beds down. This isn’t a political game. This isn’t what I earned.

This is a right that any civilized society provides its people. ALL of its people, not just those with money and not just those lucky enough to have a job in this economy. ALL of its people.

The bill is due, Blair House participants. Either you can pay in political gains and losses or we can pay in our lives, our homes, and our dignity. As the president said today before I ran out of my house in a panic, “I hope we have the courage to make some of these changes,” and then he called out everyone in that summit for not having the guts to do it.

It’s gut-check time.

Get it done. And get it done now.

Actual Progressive Summit Coverage Can Be Found:

Momocrats.com

Odd Time Signatures

The Mahablog

Think Progress

AND FOR THE OTHER SIDE:

Althouse

Pajamas Media

Pundit & Pundette

Townhall

Contributing Editor Erin Kotecki Vest also blogs at Queen of Spain Blog and is monitoring her son for the next 24-hours and hopes to NOT land back in that ER anytime soon.

Politics & News Contributing Editor Erin Kotecki Vest

…Like I Need a Hole in the Head

I keep telling her it will hurt.

I keep telling her there are needles involved.

I keep telling her she will cry.

I said...Happy Tuesday

But much like her mother, my daughter has decided on what she wants and is, in fact, getting it for her 5th birthday.

Holes in her ears in the name of beauty.

Mind you I’m not thrilled about all of this, but I’ve said since the day she was born I would pierce her ears if and when she asked me. Words that have now bitten my ass.

In my family- call it regional, culture, whatever- I was the odd one who didn’t pierce her baby daughter’s ears. And yes, I did get grief over it. Yes, in my family, a lot of the little girls’ ears were pierce when they were too tiny to pull them or tug or even know what was going on.

Being me…I had to buck tradition and declare that my daughter wouldn’t have it done against her will. And made the announcement that when she asked for it herself, she could have them pierced.

Was I expecting her to as at 4-years old? Uh…no.

However, true to my word, I’m booking an appointment with our pediatrician to have the deed done and my little one couldn’t be more thrilled. Mom? Well…she’s hanging in there.

I don’t think it’s about my daughter wanting to do something that makes her feel pretty. I don’t think it’s about her going through pain to have it done (although these are issues that should be discussed…pain for beauty…ugh) … but I really think my emotions over this resided firmly in the fact that I’m 100% against her growing up.

A rite of passage like earrings seems too soon for such a tiny girl. Too soon for my youngest. Too soon for this Mom who isn’t ready to move from pre-school to the kindergarten class lurking around the corner.

But I also want to celebrate her changes. The way she now takes pride in her “grown up” ways. This results in me mourning in private the loss of my baby girl. I have all the usual feelings… wanting to stop time, wanting to prolong the inevitable. Wanting another baby so very badly.

Instead…we’ll celebrate a 5th birthday next month with what her mother has done, her grandmother, her family’s females…and I’ll try not to cry more than she does when they make the tiny holes in her perfect ears.

Dear Four-Year-Old Princess: Love Is So Complicated

crossposted at BlogHer.com

My four-year-old daughter is home from school today, so naturally she’s spending her afternoon twirling in front of me in princess dress after princess dress.

Mommy, don’t I look sooooo beautiful. I know a boy will marry me.

My heart sinks. My mind races. My eyes dart all over the living room, where she’s created Valentine’s decorations. A sea of red and pink hearts drown me as I try to come up with an age-appropriate way of explaining to her the reality of love, marriage, life.

Yes, Valentine’s Day has sent my daughter into love overdrive and in her adorable mind love = marriage to a handsome boy.

She’s clearly knee-deep in the princess syndrome, and I’ve done nothing to stop the madness. In fact, I think my behavior with her father and men in general has probably made it worse.

But how do you explain to a four-year old that the prince hardly EVER comes to save you (and you don’t need him to) and despite every message around her screaming otherwise, what she looks like INSIDE is what matters … not outside with her damn dress and primped hair?

How do you explain that a partnership based on love is very hard work? That sometimes it goes horribly wrong and that the prince is a monster or that potential suitor is really going to break her heart? How do you explain that sometimes it’s so wonderful and mesmerizing and lifts you off your feet until your heart thumps from your chest and you can barely breathe? How do you explain how lovers turn to friends and friends to lovers and they come and go and leave memories and wounds and sometimes very deep scars? How do you explain how a relationship changes and morphs over time and ebbs and flows?

She sees her father and me, and she sees nothing but love. I can’t blame her for thinking that’s all there is. Its all she is shown at home, on TV and anywhere. In her mind, it is the only way love exists.

How do I teach her just how complicated love really can be … and how painful? Do I? Of course I do. I’m just not sure how.

Maybe she’s smarter than I think, and she does see it. She sees the daily routine in this house where husband and wife sit in the same room and do their own things, barely talking. But she also sees the love pecks in the kitchen as we cook and the surprise butt-pinches as I bend over to grab something off the floor. Maybe just witnessing the roller coaster and mundane drudgery that IS the cycle of love is enough?

Or perhaps I’ve done her a complete disservice by not showing her it all. The tough. The boring. The very ugly. Because of that she moons over handsome boys and dons dress after dress talking about weddings and brides and her prince.

Maybe I haven’t shown her, because I haven’t figured it out myself. I have no idea how to explain the unexplainable. How I can be committed to her father yet flirt with other men? How I can be content in the routine yet throw a tantrum over it all in one day? How I can want more and love my life all in the same hour? How I can put on the adult version of the princess dress, that little black number, and paint my face and charm and smile and notice that indeed boys are soooo handsome? How I can come home to her father and cuddle on the couch while I remove my heels and then discuss bills? How I can remain happily married to my best friend sans dress and in sweats when it’s not all flowers and romance and horses and carriages and glass slippers?

How can I talk to her about love as the restless mother who can’t seem to get a handle on her own role in love well into a now almost 10-year marriage? Because in that little girl I see myself, wide-eyed and hopeful and willing to give away her heart with an intense passion that will sting, suffocate and be spectacular.

So many conflicting images and moments for her young, female mind to absorb. Resulting in twirling in front of me today, showing me how beautiful she looks.

I want my daughter to be strong, confident, and to not rely on a prince or even love this Valentine’s Day or the next 100 … but I’m afraid teaching her that lesson may be in watching her mother fail at it. Miserably. Happily. Having given myself to the princess syndrome long ago, unable to shake off it’s chains, and content with where, what and who it’s given me.

More Valentine’s Day thoughts:

Valentine’s Day For Feminists Lovers
For Those of Us in Long-Term Relationships, Valentine’s Is Really Happy-Sticking-It-Out Together Day
Half-assed Valentine’s Day
My heart says: “Flobbada-Flop”
Surviving Valentines Day

Politics & News Contributing Editor Erin Kotecki Vest