Queen of Spain Blog

As seen on True Blue Semi-Crunchy Mamma

Remember that one time…

Please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL MEMORY OF YOU AND ME. It can be anything you want, good or bad, BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

An example: Remember that one time we met at that seedy bar in Amsterdam? Those boys never knew what hit them when you shot them with your tranquilizer gun. I was so glad we outran the cops, but damn were our husbands mad we got home so late…

Play along if you want!

Its my birthday. I’m 31. Last year I got a big party and diamonds. This year I am just plain old. So play along…or its off with your heads.

Happy birthday to the Kaiser! We love you! And Dammit, we’re having CAKE for breakfast!!! Hahahahahaha.

This is a long standing joke between the Kaiser and I. Back when we had these fairy tale notions of how to raise our children (read: before they were here) he thought they would never, ever eat junk food, or fast food, or anything remotely unhealthy. When I suggested they could eat cake for breakfast (like my family does when there is leftover cake) he about died. So I said…maybe on their birthdays they can have cake for breakfast. The Kaiser stood firm. No cake. Never, ever cake for breakfast.

Well guess what we’re waking you up with in 3…2…1…

And for those who don’t know. The Kaiser’s real name is Aaron. My real name is Erin. My birthday is tomorrow. You still have time to FedEx your gifts.

There is a legendary tale in our house about my witnessing of a Turkey Riot at Whole Foods Market Thanksgiving of last year. Ok, so it wasn’t really a riot. But my husband and brother like to tease me mercilessly that I used the term “riot” when I came home, breathless, telling of my heroic experience trying to pick up our fresh turkey.

Basically a very nasty trophy wife got upset she couldn’t get a fresh turkey the day before Thanksgiving. She had not ordered one. And couldn’t seem to understand how everyone else could pick up their preordered turkey and she had to settle for frozen. She got very animated. Shouting occurred. I came home and called it a near “riot” and the Kaiser and Houseboy STILL talk about about my brush with death in the Turkey Riots of ’04.

Well, I’ve got an EVEN bigger one for them this year. And this time, I promise not to exaggerate. But I’m calling it the TEACUP RIOTS of ’05.

So I’m at Target. I am in the girly girl toy-section. I see this adorable Princess tea-cup set. Thinking I’m a little lopsided on gifts from Santa for the kids, I wonder if this would be good for Princess Peanut. It says 2 and up, but I can see there are big saucers and teacups inside, and I can take out the little things. So I put it in my cart and continue looking in that aisle. As I’m considering a Barbie for one of the Count’s friends I hear:

“SHE TOOK THE PINK ONE! You did NOT just take the last pink one…”
“I’m sorry, are you talking to me?”
“I really wanted that pink one. There are blue ones..here” shoving a blue teacup set in my cart, “take a blue one and give me the pink one.”
Baffled, I am staring blankly at a 30-something woman. She’s with, what I assume, is her mother. They have two carts filled with toys.
I calmly take the blue teacup set out of my cart and set it on the shelf.
“No, thanks. I really want the pink one. Sorry. Maybe ask someone if they have more pink ones in the back.”
“Is this for your baby???”
“I’m sorry?? What?”
“Are you buying this for that little baby?”
She points to Peanut, asleep in her Baby Bjorn.
“Well I’m not sure who I’m giving it to yet, but maybe. Probably.”
“She’s so little, she won’t know if she gets pink or blue.”
“Sure, but I know. And I like pink.”
At this point I start down to the end of the aisle. She follows me.
“That baby can’t even have it. It says 2 and up. Don’t you see it says 2 and up? Are you trying to hurt her? She’ll get HURT if she plays with that.”
“I’m sorry, what???”
Slowly, I’m starting to gather myself. This is been going on for so long now, that the fog of being confronted is lifting, and I’m gaining some composure.
“Did you just call me a bad mother? You don’t even know me. And I’m really not giving you this pink teacup set now.”
This entire time there were two other mothers, both with small children, in the same aisle. They are both looking at me with those sympathetic eyes like…wow, poor you…and when I start to get angry one of the other mothers in the aisle pipes up…
“Listen lady, I don’t know what your problem is, but leave this girl alone. She got it first. You weren’t even in this aisle when she took it.”
Back up. I’ve got backup.
“BUD out. Who the hell are you anyway? This isn’t your conversation, ” says the crazy pink wanting woman. She is clearly insane.
I give the nice other Mom a “thank you” look and I shake my head and start walking further away.
“Did you just shake your head at me?”
Jesus F’in Christ. Are you kidding me?
“Excuse me?” I say, wondering if she’s going to ask me to step outside. NOW I’m looking for anyone with a red Target shirt.
“Your baby can’t have that toy!” She screams as I walk away. “She’ll choke on that teacup!”
I can still hear her yelling as I’m in a completely different section.
I finish my shopping and head to the checkout. Guess who’s there.
“There she is,” crazy lady says to the cashier.
“Look at that baby. Doesn’t know pink from blue, that’s for sure.”
Now I’m mad. Really, really mad. But I also don’t want to get into a fist fight at a Target, wearing my baby and making the five o’clock news. Mothers at Target riot over Princess Tea Set, film at 11.
The security guard who has now been witnessing all of this, walks over to me and says they got more pink ones on the shelf.
I thank him and walk out front.
I wait for the crazy lady and her mother to come out.
Then I place my Pink Pink Princess Disney Teacup Set in the Toys for Tots bin.
Take that you stupid bitch.
She was speechless. She huffed off to her car. And her mother, silent the entire time, winks at me.
I went back inside Target and bought another teacup set.
Pink.

I’m just as obsessed as the next mom, but I refuse to blog about baby poop. Instead, here is list of things OTHER than poop I have found in Princess Peanut’s diaper:

Dental floss
“Inspected by #2” sticker
Feathers
Candy wrapper, minus the candy
Banana sticker
Crayon bits

In my defense, I keep a decently clean home. I am attentive, and I catch stuff before it gets into her mouth all the time.

Nothing, and I mean nothing ever came near the Count’s mouth when he was this age. In fact, had he ingested just one of the many feathers falling out of our cushions I would have rushed him to the ER.

Is this what its like for the second child? Eh, it came out of her, right?

The Kaiser’s family and I have a good relationship, but its a weird one. Some days it feels like we’re making progress on being closer. Other days I feel like they are from another planet. The Kaiser normally just reminds me they (and this is important) are simply NOT LIKE MY FAMILY.

Admittedly, my family is a little weird too. Aren’t they all though? My Mom and I talk every single day, sometimes several times a day. I can tell you exactly what my Aunt had for dinner yesterday because my mother talks to her every single day. My family knows everything. About everyone. And we all talk about it. All the time.

So imagine my shock and surprise when I got an email from my sister-in-law telling me she had just returned home. From the HOSPITAL. With my ONE YEAR OLD NEPHEW. After NEARLY A WEEK OF BEING THERE.

To quote John Stewart, “WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????????”

The Kaiser’s brother and his family live in Germany. So I expect news to be slow here and there. I don’t expect to know about every little sneeze. But when one of the kids, or ANYONE for that matter, ends up in a hospital…call me crazy but I expect someone to tell us.

So after a day of talking with my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law and getting up to date (pneumonia…he’s better, etc.) and making it clear to everyone we’d really appreciate a phone call next time, I had a talk with the Kaiser about what went on.

Somehow I ended up being the crazy one.

It wasn’t that big of a deal. And I got those looks from my husband that I always get when I’m all manic about something…you know, the ones where they look at you like you have six heads and there is fire shooting out of your mouth. He seemed to think if anyone was DYING they’d be more than fast to let us know. But since it wasn’t a DEATH situation, I needed to chill out.

Granted, I was mad as hell yesterday. Mainly because this isn’t the first time we’ve been left out of the loop for what I consider to be “call all immediate family” issues. So I was very animated about the whole thing. BUT COME ON. My mother-in-law basically said the same thing as the Kaiser, “it didn’t seem like it was too bad.” No. No. A one-year-old in a hospital for six days is a FUCKING party people. They just admit them for the sniffles.

Why was it ME who was getting the head shake and eye roll from my husband? At the end of the day I was the crazy, nosy, oversensitive bitch, who apparently got all riled up over nothing. And someone would have told us eventually, you know, if anyone DIED. Nevermind we look like assholes for not calling to check on him, or send a card or anything.

Can’t wait for the holidays and my the families coming together. My mother will be asking my mother-in-law all sorts of questions about stupid things, like what they ate for dinner…and then I won’t be alone when the heads start to shake and the eyes start to roll.

Annie’s Knight for December. Congrats to MsMama. She’s Mommylicious. She’s Mommyfabulous. She’s Fertile. She’s the ultimate Yummy Mummy. She gets a free shirt. This photo is so good even blogging baby picked it up. And if you read MsMama, you know her breastfeeding story…which really seals the deal on the photo.

Thanks to everyone who played. We’ll do it again in January!

*I posted early, I know…but I have a final tomorrow. I’m the Queen. I change the rules when I see fit.

First off, a big THANK YOU to everyone playing! The photos are amazing. I can’t get over how many of you showed off your pregnant bellies, and private moments with your kids. I wanted to do a rundown of those who have entered so everyone can keep tabs. And there is still time for you to post that photo, if you haven’t entered yet. Get it done today!

Sarah kicked things off with a CLASSIC. UberFERTILE!

Running2K’s looks STUNNING all bellied up!

Becky said “I’m going belly to belly with Sarah on Fertile.” And our PregnantaPalooza was official.

Jill wowed us with a sunny shot! What a belly!

And then Vegan Momma dropped by to put us all to shame with her slim pregnant self!

Allison looks simply Mommyfabulous in the tub. With BUBBLES no less!

Ms. Mamma STOLE the show with her perfect Yummy Mummy, Mommylicious, Mommyfabulous, Fertile moment with our favorite pumpkin.

Cha0tic stopped by to take our breathe away with the belly and catsuit shot. Seriously, I wish I would have had the guts to go out like that when I was pregnant. This woman looks amazing.

Kelly made me cringe at her birth story and WHOOT WHOOT at the same time. Seriously people, go read it.

Jen automatically wins for Happiest SMILE on a really, really pregnant woman. Although, admittedly she came back down from her pregnant high a few weeks later.

Alison’s flat tummy gave me flat-tummy envy. And the final shot of her and her baby boy will make you tear up!

Rowan totally tugged at my heartstrings with her really, really cool shot. Talk about love! It made me remember to hug my guy once more today.

Gretchen is the epitomy of Fertile with all the kids looking on in amazement (us too, girl!) -what a pretty family!

Angel and her spunky Housewife self showed us just how to cope with a kichen on fire and a killer wedding dress!

Renee has joined the fun!

Christa too.

And Dayna emailed me this entry…everyone all together now…”aaaaawwwwwwwwwww”

Dayna emailed :”My Mommyfabulous Picture: This picture was taken August 2005. It is my son Brody’s first day of kindergarten. Brody is the oldest of my 2 children (his younger sister, Maura is 2). Both of my children have attended daycare since they were 4 months old, so kindergarten didn’t bring any “separation anxiety” issues (on the part of the parents or the child). Two of his friends from preschool are in his kindergarten class, so he already knows people…not an issue. I was one of the few moms who DID NOT cry as their 5 year old marched in line to their classroom. I am NOT cold-hearted. I cry at EVERYTHING. But on this day, I was comfortable with the events that took place and I was SO excited for Brody and proud of him.

However, whenever I see this picture that my husband took of Brody and me walking across the parking lot, headed for his first day of kindergarten, I get this bittersweet feeling in the pit of my stomach. To me, this picture speaks volumes to the milestone that was taking place that day. The beginning of Brody’s academic career. He’s a smart kid, so I wasn’t too worried about him being successful in that area. Would he have friends? Would he like his teacher? Would he get frustrated easily as he is wont to do? After 12 weeks in school, most of my fears were unfounded. But this picture to me illustrates a lot of “unknowns.” In thirteen years I’m hoping my husband can take a similar picture of Brody and me walking toward his dorm at Michigan State.”

Gasping and panting I’m back from hell, er, I mean the mall.

One kid was thrilled to see Santa. The other, not so much. I have to admit, though, our mall has a really good Santa. That’s a real beard.

Anyway, after the big red guy experience we headed up to the play area where I witnessed the mother of a maybe 12-14-month old smack her kid’s hand-hard. His crime? He dropped his sippy cup. Then…get this…she says to the kid, “I forgive you.”

Needless to say I was shocked, appalled, disgusted, etc., etc., etc. All I could do was stare her down with the stink eye. She was with a friend, and as they packed up their kids to leave I heard her say “…you just have to get used to stares like that. We actually discipline our children and we certainly don’t nurse them at that age, in public…”

I had been nursing my 8-month old while all of this took place. And, for the record, my toddler was the most well behaved child in that play area by far. He was politely asking children if they would like to play with him. And saying “thank you” if they agreed.

Now, I am by no means a sit-down-and-take-it kind of girl. I’ll argue you to the floor on my right to nurse in public. In fact, I had been dreaming of this moment for years…a chance to defend my breastfeeding rights.

But all I did was sit there. Dumbfounded. I hadn’t planned on the attack coming from another mother. In a play area. In my family-oriented, California town. I thought this would happen back in Michigan. With a guy. Or at a restaurant. And all I did was sit there, speechless.

And by the time I realized what happened, they were gone. Dammit.