BlogHer Birth Stories – Or, How I Suck At Being Pregnant

I should be dead.

If this were any other time in history, I should not and would not have survived both my pregnancies or deliveries.

Because of that, I have agreed to participate in Discovery Health’s Baby Week, which you can watch June 14-19th at 8 pm E/P on Discover Health.

Why share my labor and delivery stories? Easy…because I know I am not alone. My two children would not be here if it were not for an amazing team of doctors and nurses and the advancement of medical science.

You see, I suck at being pregnant. No really, I’m terrible at it.

I don’t mean terrible in that I whine a lot and crave pickles…I mean terrible in that my body absolutely hates being pregnant. So much so, that it revolts and tries to kill me and the baby.

I would be one of those women who died in childbirth way back when. The covered wagons would have moved on after burying me along the trail.

From the moment I found out I was having a baby, I began to vomit. Both pregnancies. Both times around. And not in that cute “oh she has morning sickness, must be a boy (or girl, depending on your favorite aunt’s superstition)” kind of way…but in the “I lost 22 lbs and had to be put on heavy drugs” sort of way.

I threw up in my purse. I threw up in my car. I threw up in elevators. I threw up at stores. I even threw up at a hockey game. And once I almost threw up on the Governor of California as I was conducting an interview.

Once I got past the puking, somewhere around the end of the 2nd trimester, I went into labor.

Way too early. With both pregnancies. Yes, both times.

I had contractions. I began to dilate. And just for an added bonus, my amniotic fluid was low.

With both pregnancies. Yes, both times.

So it was deemed necessary once we STOPPED labor, that I lay flat on my back for the remainder of each pregnancy with a monitor strapped across my very, very large belly.

Something I am guessing was not possible in those covered wagon days.

And I then continued to labor, under the guidance of a dial up modem and remote nurse, for several months.

That’s right- contractions and labor for SEVERAL MONTHS.

When it finally came time to let the labor take it’s course, we had another problem (did I mention how bad I SUCK at this whole pregnancy thing?) – my first child was breech, and with low fluid he could not be turned. He also thought it would be fun, you know for added drama, to get the cord wrapped around himself a few times.

So on a gray March morning my husband and I headed to the hospital, knowing this child would not be a natural delivery and expecting just about anything, considering the way things had gone thus far.

But here is where that “amazing thing about life” part comes in…on March 24th, 2003 at 7:52 in the morning, doctors performed a c-section and pulled out a perfect baby boy.

I think we were stunned that not only had the operation gone smoothly, with zero complications, but that mom and baby were healthy.

There I was, laying cut open on a table, after laying for months upon months in my bed, and it worked. It actually worked. I had a healthy, full-term child.

As for my daughter, born nearly exactly two years later? She came with more drama. Same puking pregnancy. Same bedrest tale. Preterm labor. Low fluid.

But my sassy girl? She decided to NOT wait or let the drugs to stop the contractions work. No, she decided it was her time on March 30th, 2005 at 6:39pm.

Now, that 6:39pm is important. Note that time.

We live in a suburb of Los Angeles. And my contractions began that day around 3pm. I was in a hospital bed at 3:15pm, and by 445pm – PEAK RUSH HOUR- my doctor ordered an emergency c-section as my little peanut’s heart rate dipped and dove.

When the c-section was ordered, I made the call to my husband. 30 miles away in Los Angeles, PEAK RUSH HOUR, traffic. For those who don’t know, that is easily a one hour long commute. One and a half during peak rush hour.

Scared for my daughter’s life, I was resigned to the fact he would miss her birth.

I was wheeled into the OR, prepped for surgery, and placed on the operating table. More scared than upset, I tried not to think about it. After all, he’d have a lifetime with her. I hoped.

At 6:38 my husband entered the OR. The doctor said “cut now” at 6:39pm.

Another healthy child and mom. And a big brother at home anxious to meet his new sister.

I encourage you to go take a look at Discovery Health’s Baby Week – and share your birth story. We’ve come together as parents to discuss what we did during pregnancy and after our children arrived…but it’s rare we talk about how they got here.

Poop

I’m not a fan of toilet humor. Call me a snob, I don’t really care. It’s just never been what really gets me laughing. 

This is not to say I am mature by any stretch. I giggle when the hockey announcer says ‘5-hole’ and I lose it entirely when Sarah tells me about her neighbor’s having ‘back door friends.’ *

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However the fart and poop stuff wouldn’t rank as #1 (or #2..get it? get it? oh shut up) on my ‘make Erin spit wine’ list. 

So the news of my son’s recent Kindergarten ‘bad day’ was not received very well on my end. 

As I have mentioned, the kids are in the process of presenting their end-of-the-year projects, and my Letterman wannabe decided it would be hilarious to yell out ‘POOP!’ during other student’s presentations. 

Mortified doesn’t even cover it. 

He has been punished, rest assured. He has also made very large and drama filled apologies to teachers, parents of said students, and the students themselves.

However this MOM can’t seem to let go of where she CLEARLY FAILED HER CHILDREN. 

Maybe I’m overreacting but I’ve banned Spongebob for a bit. I know damn well that’s where he read, laughed, and re-read POOP. 

I’m also realizing how often we’re crass around here. We are a sarcastic bunch at this house. There are too many fart jokes. Too many poop jokes and too many OTHER jokes he’s going to realize are jokes very soon. 

Which leads me to no other conclusion, given my allowance of certain shows and my use of words like ‘crap’…that this entire episode is all my fault. 

Mine. 

All mine. 

I mean you think kids realize after you say 45 times ‘you are NOT allowed to say that at school’ that they really ARE NOT allowed to say that at school. But they don’t. They are kids. And I am a stupid, stupid, stupid parent. 

Time to buckle down around here. With POOP as my wake-up call. 

*Sarah is also not allowed to homeschool my children and neither of us should be trusted with yours. Or maybe we should just start our own commune and homeschool all the kids and they can run around yelling, reading, and writing POOP all damn day. 

I Blame My Job

…for the inspiration behind my 6-year old’s “end of the year” project. 

Go look. 

And for the opportunity to interview one of my favorite people in the world – Current’s Sarah Haskins. 

Go look. 

Edit

Sometimes I think I just pound away at the keyboard for lack of knowing what else to do. Rarely does it turn into a solid solution, but it does lead me to one, or helps get me there, eventually. 

It’s been that way for me for as long as I can remember. Diaries when I was young. I think one even had a rainbow and a unicorn on the front cover. 

Journals as I grew older and more snobbish about where I put my words. 

Then Word docs. And the assorted, random, reporter’s notepad. 

Now blog posts. 

I made a conscience decision that the world could see these blog posts, never realizing how many people lived in that world. That was never the case with my diaries, my journals, my scribbles on a notepad. 

A best friend may have gotten a peek. The boy I liked. Eventually the men I loved. 

So today, as I sit to write, tempted to pound on these keys like so many times before I find myself at a loss. 

YOU are reading. And I am suddenly aware. 

Of course I have always been aware, but now…

I write for myself. I write for you. Mostly I just write and rarely do I think. That’s the beauty of how this space helps me. 

Occasionally I’ve left a few stories out. I can think of two times I purposefully stopped myself from blogging a particular event or issue. 

But today…right now, is the first time I have every want and need to slam my words onto the page and I am keenly aware I can’t. 

I can’t. 

It’s not because of work or because of ramifications or because of what you might think or what I might say. After all it’s just a story about my day and my life and my loves. 

It’s because QueenofSpain has a life of her own and it’s been tangled and twisted and it’s no longer mine alone. 

Of course all this means is…I will tell you tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Because you are my support system to a degree and my community of friends. However RIGHT NOW I feel like your eyes are on me and they are burning a hole in the back of my head. My ears are burning. Red hot. 

And as much as I love to share my life with you, and as much as I love to hear about yours…some things you just don’t get to know. 

So tonight I’m pounding away at they keyboard in my head. And eventually it will reach my fingertips and onto this page.

I Knew This Was Coming- Thunderdome

I’ve always bragged about how well my kids play together.

I honestly thought I had hit the parenting jackpot with these two. Constantly hugging, sharing toys, thoughtfully saving half of their cupcake from a schoolmate’s birthday to give to the other after class. (no really, I swear this has happened on more than one occasion)

#jplopen rover mania

As the mother of two small children, I took great pride in how fierce they protected each other on the playground and helped each other through daily life.

Then I woke up one morning and Thunderdome erupted in my living room.

Somewhere in between waffles and Spongebob there were shouts. Shoves. Even an “I hate you.” Someone took someone else’s toy. Someone moved the other’s stuffed animal. Someone was sitting in ‘the wrong’ spot on the couch. I believe someone also was breathing too loud.

I found myself yelling things like “wait until your father gets home” and “I don’t CARE what your brother/sister did, you’re BOTH in trouble.” I was separating toys in bins, where before there had been nameless baskets, and I was triple checking to make sure each scoop of ice cream was EXACTLY the same size.

As a sibling myself, I knew this was bound to happen. However I’d like to rewind back just a few weeks or months to the hugging days. In fact, I’d like to KNOCK that feeling of love and adoration back into both of them.

No, really.

How do you deal with sibling issues at your house? Does ANYTHING work or are they destined to be mortal enemies in the Thunderdome of my living room for life?

Dedication

Many of you know I’m a big hockey fan. Specifically, I am a big Detroit Red Wings fan.

So when my children asked me to bring them home the “Penguins of Madagascar” from New York City, I had a problem.

Why? Because the Red Wings are currently playing the Penguins for the Stanley Cup. And I couldn’t very well just go buy some penguins.

I can’t tell you how I agonized over this while in New York. I knew I could easily get to FAO Schwarz and I knew I could find penguins. But I couldn’t really go buy them.

I thought about giving a friend money to buy them for me. I thought about bringing something ELSE home for the kids. I thought about trying to find penguins AND tiny red wing jerseys to dress them up with.

Instead I decided on this:

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Voodoo.

Go Wings.

#suckit Penguins

Rock

Raaawwwwwwk

My son shall grow up to be a wussy Mama’s boy and it’s all my fault

My son can be sensitive.

He loves his mom. Anything that involves blood or death upsets him, and you better not touch his lego creations (that include 6 armed robots who are his best friend AND evil ships with aliens) or he will crumble into a million pieces and weep for their dismantling.

So I wasn’t surprised when he quizzed me about what is next in his life, mainly, Kindergarten ending.

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Well honey we talked about this. After Kindergarten comes 1st grade.

…and then what Mom.

Then comes 2nd grade. And then 3rd grade.

And then 4th grade and 5th grade mom?

Yes honey. You got it.

So what happens when the grades are done?

Well then you get to go away to college sweetie. You get to live there, and be with your friends, it’s SO MUCH FUN.

Dead Silence.

Uncomfortable sighs.

Heaves.

SOBS.

Full-on hysterical crying.

Yes, my son was losing it over something 12 grades from now, and with good reason.

…but, but…Mom…I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE YOU EVER.

awww honey, you don’t ever have to go, it’s ok. Really sweetie calm down it’s ok. But trust me you’ll want to go. I know you don’t feel that way now, but when you’re older and as big as Drew (our good friend’s son who’s 17) you might want to be with your friends more than your Mom.

NO I WON’T! DON’T TELL ME THOSE THINGS! I WANT YOU MOMMY!

Oh honey. It’s ok. It’s ok. (hysterical sobs continue, tears EVERYWHERE) you can stay home. You can stay home as long as you like. Really. You know where we go to the Farmer’s Market? That’s a college! You can go right there to college and live here and never leave!

And then I realized what I had just said. And caught myself.

But promise me you’ll think about living away. Because you need to try things in life. Remember how you thought you hated salmon? And you tried salmon and now you love it? That might be what college is like!

No Mom. Not unless you come.

Ok honey. I can come to college.

Yes, in one tiny, bedtime exchange I promised my son that not only could he stay home from college but if he decided he wanted to go…I would go with him.

#fail.