And I have been a spoiled brat…which is much better than my kids being spoiled brats.
Last week the new babysitter started. This week I’m fairly certain she is, in fact, Mary Poppins.
The kids are painting and crafting and outside. The dishes are done, the laundry is folded and put away. She even organized my closet. MY CLOSET. As in- pants on one side, shirts on the other, everything hung and clean and folded.
I’m not kidding.
and it’s ok to hate me.
There is a problem here though…I have guilt. Ooooooh, the guilt.
I feel bad she’s organizing my closet. I feel bad she’s panting with the kids. I feel bad she put away all the dishes and mopped the floor.
I. Feel. Bad.
Now, the Guru of all Mommy Guilt, Devra, has already given me the ‘you are absolved‘ but as I am 30 minutes from another day with Mary Poppins-guilt is creeping back in.
I want her to do all these things. I NEED her to do all these things.
Maybe this is my ‘official’ coming out party as a ‘work-at-home’ mom instead of the ‘stay-at-home’ mom who does some ‘stuff’ on the side -the way in which I have been mentally operating.
I know, I still say that. I do. It’s entirely stupid.
‘Oh, so what do you do?’
‘I stay at home with the kids, but I take some blogging projects on here and there.’
Here and there? What is that? Why do I say that?
Denial people. Denial.
I am no longer doing what I thought I was ‘supposed’ to be doing, so I’ve sort of ignored that it’s happened.
I work.
There. I said it.
I am not a stay-at-home mom. I work.
Sigh. Why does that feel dirty to say outloud? What is wrong with me?
I work. I work. I work.
Yeah, that’s not helping.
I used to be really good at keeping the house clean, keeping life organized. Ok, the kids threw me off my game a bit-but I used to take pride in finally figuring out how to cook dinner, clean up the spilled juice, finished the laundry, teach ABC’s, and shower all in one day.
Now…now that stuff takes a back seat because a)I’ve been working and b)it bores the hell out of me.
I’m not saying I don’t still educate my children or pay them attention-of course I do. What I don’t do well anymore is, say, make sure their red shirts are clean and laid out for ‘red color day’ at preschool. Instead I’m frantically trying to find another ‘red’ shirt to throw in their bags while reminding myself I need to actually COOK something to feed everyone.
Sigh.
I think, maybe, is I feel the need to be the best Mom EVER and not only do I
a)suck a bit at this mom thing but
b)enjoy working.
In my head the best Mom EVER does not work. She plans activities to educate and nurture her children while making a balance meal from scratch-all while vacuuming.
I’m not that Mom. I tried to be that mom, and I lost my mind. I feel guilty that it wasn’t ‘enough’ to fulfill me and I feel guilty that I’m not MORE thankful for having the means to choose to work.
Guilt.
Oh. The. Guilt.
I love my children. I want what is best for my children. I want to make sure they are getting everything THEY need. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and get *some* of what I need.
The babysitter is here. She brought flashcards.
I’m going to make my calls and shake my head and answer emails and blog.
Why didn’t I think of flashcards?
*don’t ever let me tell you I don’t work Ever. Again.
Recent Comments