I Work*

And I have been a spoiled brat…which is much better than my kids being spoiled brats.

Last week the new babysitter started. This week I’m fairly certain she is, in fact, Mary Poppins.

The kids are painting and crafting and outside. The dishes are done, the laundry is folded and put away. She even organized my closet. MY CLOSET. As in- pants on one side, shirts on the other, everything hung and clean and folded.

I’m not kidding.

and it’s ok to hate me.

There is a problem here though…I have guilt. Ooooooh, the guilt.

I feel bad she’s organizing my closet. I feel bad she’s panting with the kids. I feel bad she put away all the dishes and mopped the floor.

I. Feel. Bad.

Now, the Guru of all Mommy Guilt, Devra, has already given me the ‘you are absolved‘ but as I am 30 minutes from another day with Mary Poppins-guilt is creeping back in.

I want her to do all these things. I NEED her to do all these things.

Maybe this is my ‘official’ coming out party as a ‘work-at-home’ mom instead of the ‘stay-at-home’ mom who does some ‘stuff’ on the side -the way in which I have been mentally operating.

I know, I still say that. I do. It’s entirely stupid.

‘Oh, so what do you do?’

‘I stay at home with the kids, but I take some blogging projects on here and there.’

Here and there? What is that? Why do I say that?

Denial people. Denial.

I am no longer doing what I thought I was ‘supposed’ to be doing, so I’ve sort of ignored that it’s happened.

I work.

There. I said it.

I am not a stay-at-home mom. I work.

Sigh. Why does that feel dirty to say outloud? What is wrong with me?

I work. I work. I work.

Yeah, that’s not helping.

I used to be really good at keeping the house clean, keeping life organized. Ok, the kids threw me off my game a bit-but I used to take pride in finally figuring out how to cook dinner, clean up the spilled juice, finished the laundry, teach ABC’s, and shower all in one day.

Now…now that stuff takes a back seat because a)I’ve been working and b)it bores the hell out of me.

I’m not saying I don’t still educate my children or pay them attention-of course I do. What I don’t do well anymore is, say, make sure their red shirts are clean and laid out for ‘red color day’ at preschool. Instead I’m frantically trying to find another ‘red’ shirt to throw in their bags while reminding myself I need to actually COOK something to feed everyone.

Sigh.

I think, maybe, is I feel the need to be the best Mom EVER and not only do I

a)suck a bit at this mom thing but

b)enjoy working.

In my head the best Mom EVER does not work. She plans activities to educate and nurture her children while making a balance meal from scratch-all while vacuuming.

I’m not that Mom. I tried to be that mom, and I lost my mind. I feel guilty that it wasn’t ‘enough’ to fulfill me and I feel guilty that I’m not MORE thankful for having the means to choose to work.

Guilt.

Oh. The. Guilt.

I love my children. I want what is best for my children. I want to make sure they are getting everything THEY need. I just haven’t figured out how to do that and get *some* of what I need.

The babysitter is here. She brought flashcards.

I’m going to make my calls and shake my head and answer emails and blog.

Why didn’t I think of flashcards?

*don’t ever let me tell you I don’t work Ever. Again.

Live Chat on Ustream-Queen of Spain Talks Clinton Remarks

Video clips hosted by Ustream
You can come over to the ustream site to join the chat in text or hook up your cam and headset to talk. http://www.ustream.tv/channel/queenofspainSee the original Clinton remarks
And make sure to watch Keith Olbermann’s special comment.

Erin Kotecki Vest Meets Senator Barack Obama, Part Two

Standing in the hallway of Roseburg High School, flanked by Secret Service, I made small talk with the local reporters.

‘Medford tv station? Ah, that’s north right?’

‘Oh, you get two questions with Senator Obama, that’s great for local tv.’

Then a press aide of the Senator’s pointed at me and said ‘Erin this is our web guy, you guys can chat. The rest of you-two questions, that’s it. You set up, you ask, you break it down and we go to the next one. -Except for you guys (pointing to me again).’

The ‘web-guy’ then looks at me and starts to mic me ‘yeah, the blogher women get the special campaign treatment.’

And the hallway falls silent as every local reporter in the greater Roseburg, OR area turns to look.

I smirk a bit, shrug my shoulders, and wave.

I’m such a smart ass. At least I stopped short of sticking out my tongue.

The press aide then tells the entire group ‘the Senator will come into the room and get situated, I would appreciate no questions or cameras as he walks in-you’ll have your chance inside.’

‘Web-guy’ then pulls me into the room and asks me if I like the way the backdrop looks. I shrug again and ask if we can move the flags, maybe pull out some chairs, etc.’

…and in walks Senator Barack Obama.

Noticing I was the only face he didn’t recognize in the room he came straight over to me-shook my hand and said ‘what’s your name ?’

‘Erin, I’m with BlogHer.com’

‘Yes, the women bloggers’

And with that web-guy continued to talk to me about lighting and blue drapes and chairs. I nodded a lot and said ‘I better go back in the hallway’ and walked past secret service guarding the door and into the glaring eyes of a dozen or so local reporters.

One-by-one they went in with their crews. As the last one walked in, Treina (the makeup artist) and exchanged glances. We are next.

The crew came out of the classroom and we grabbed out bags to walk in.

But no one was calling us in, like they had the others before us.

So we stood, bags in hand, and shifted nervously.

Why aren’t they calling us in? Are they setting something else up? Are there important campaign strategy things happening in there I want to hear? How close to the classroom door can I get before secret service tackles me? Is my hair still totally flat from this heat? It is…damn.

And out into the hallway walks Senator Obama. To his right is the rest of the high school, to the left is Treina and I and a secret service agent.

Senator Obama once again sees us-people he does not recognize- and walks right on over. ‘Hello again, Erin, right-and this is…’

‘Treina,’ says Treina who just 20 second earlier had been pulled aside by an agent who explained to her the Senator’s skin in the event he needed a touch up.

‘Treina-Treina nice to meet you.’

Then the Senator explained to us, as he rolled up his shirt sleeves, that he needed to use the rest room and would be in for the interview in a minute. We smiled and nodded and he turned and walked down the hallway.

Yes, Barack Obama just told me had had to go to the bathroom was really all I could think. However at this point, seemed entirely normal. And I had to REMIND myself it was, in fact, Barack Obama who just excused himself because it seemed just like any other guy.

I was officially, now, no longer nervous to sit down with the Senator. I was, however, nervous about getting through all these questions.

I sat down in the interview chair and flipped through my notecards again. And again. And again. Senator Obama walked in, and I stood (no idea…felt like I should?) and greeted him again as he sat next to me. He began to get his own mic on and said ‘hope I’m not being too revealing’ as he unbuttoned a button or two to get the mic to lay right.

Hope I’m not being too revealing???!!! I averted my eyes. I’m laughing as I type this but as soon as he even JOKED about it I was like ‘OH. MY. GAWD. I MUST NOT LOOK I MUST NOT LOOK I MUST NOT LOOK.’ And I turned my head.

As my 3-year old would say ‘Mama he needs his PRIVACY!’

Then Obama’s press aide knelt under us.


He had a timer or a phone with a timer. Or maybe a recorder? Whatever it was it kept time and he said, ‘ok 10 minutes’ and web-guy said ‘whenever you’re ready’ and I launched into my 12 questions.

The next 10 minutes I was entirely focused on the Senator. I wanted to move a bit faster, but once we got going he seemed to shorten his answers a bit. I could tell time was getting short as we talked about health care because the aide kneeling below us was shifting. A lot. I wanted to look down to see him give me a time count -hold up a finger for 1 minute or something-but I didn’t want to break eye contact with Senator Obama.

Instinct told me to move onto Economy, and quick. And sure enough once we finished the economy question-

“Last Question!” came from the guy on the floor.

The interview ended, we shook hands again, and we posed for a photo. Arms around eachother and smiling I told him BlogHer and it’s 9 million readers would be very pleased he took the time to answer our questions and I thanked him again for the 5th time.

I then grabbed Treina’s camera and snapped a shot of the makeup artist and the Senator.

While he was walking out the door I said ‘Good Luck on Tuesday’ and he stopped, turned and said ‘thank you very much.’

Treina and I then quietly gathered our belongings. I let BlogHer know the tape was in my hands, and we walked in near silence to the parking lot.

Inside the car we shut the doors, turned to look at each-other, and screamed our ever-loving heads off like teenagers.

I love being a blogger. I love being a blogher. I love that after I interviewed the man who very well could make history I could tell you this story, and scream and cry. Years ago I could never have done that.

After interviewing mayors and governors and celebrities, I would tell you stories-but never personal ones about how I FELT while it was happening. I would probably tell you how with morning sickness I nearly threw up on Governor Gray Davis. How interviewing Tom Hanks left me with the impression he really IS a nice guy. I would tell you how a former mayor of LA still calls me Erica and how another former mayor is notorious for spitting while he talks. I may have even told you the story of how Jeb Bush snarked on me. But you’d never know of the pride or joy or excitement or nerves I felt while conducting those interviews.

Now I can tell you. And it feels good.

Long live citizen journalism.

Erin Kotecki Vest Meets Senator Barack Obama, Part One

There is a story behind the BlogHer interview you probably don’t know. Several, actually.

-I wasn’t supposed to be doing the interview.

-I shopped at the Eugene, Oregon Target at 8pm Friday night for camera-ready clothes, notecards, and hairspray.

-I met the Senator from Illinois in the hallway of Roseburg High School while he was on his way to use the rest room. I know this. He told me so.



It all started somewhere around Wednesday when I had a good idea BlogHer was about to land this interview. BlogHer contributing editor Kim Pearson would be asking the questions and I would be producing. Which means I could be in the room but on the sidelines, hopefully meeting Obama but not worried about the pressures of on camera.

Friday afternoon, en route to Eugene, I got a call:

‘Kim’s flight is delayed, she may not make it out. You need to prepare to do this interview.’

My mind switched gears and I started to plan.

How well did I know the questions?

What clothes did I bring?

Crap I haven’t had my hair done in weeks.

Oh my gawd I haven’t had a pedicure in longer.

What if I ask all of them by category and don’t make it to the last category?

Should I split them up? Jump from Iraq to the Economy and back?

I’m very sure my roots are showing.

I wonder if they have a mall near my hotel.

I need to review those questions closer.

I then landed in Eugene and the status of just who was interviewing the Senator was still up in the air. Or on the ground in Newark, as the case may be.

I decided to head to the nearest Target and see if I couldn’t figure out an outfit and a strategy for getting through 12 policy questions in 7-10 minutes on the campaign schedule.

I wondered if those 7-10 minutes included him getting set up with a mic? Us chatting quickly before hand to make sure we were ready? Did it start when he sat down and tape rolled? Did it start when he walked in the room? What if he was late?

I clung to the campaign’s promise of 10 minutes and plotted my question priority as I rifled through solid colored shirts at Target that were NOT white or black (you know, like everything in my suitcase).

Throwing things in the cart I moved on to shoes (I had black shoes and flip flops) while I went over all 12 questions again in my head, reminding myself to google when I got back to the hotel ‘Obama stance on public transportation.’

I didn’t want to prioritize the blogher community questions with everything he’s already said on record. I wanted to at least try to get him to speak about some of the issues we don’t hear every day.

I then grabbed a pack of waters and some trail mix, knowing Treina ( the make up artist) and myself might be trapped in Roseburg all day with who knows what available. I also grabbed a bottle of wine and an extra pack of gum.

This interview was not a surprise investigation by us. We’ve had these questions on the record since the BlogHer conference last July. So I knew this was not going to be a ‘follow up question’ or ‘on the spot attack’ type of interview. That helped. Back in the day I would have been plotting 40 follow ups and 40 different takes on those follow ups depending on his answers. This was a simple Q & A of well known questions. So while I was back in my hotel plotting just how to do anything with my root-showing, not hair-cut in 6 weeks, hair -it occurred to me the best thing to do was to prioritize each question in each category and go with the flow of the interview and hope I didn’t have to cut him off.

I’m sorry Senator but you are being entirely too long winded and I only have 10 minutes here, so let’s move on.

Then at 10pm pacific Kim called from Salt Lake City. She was turning back around to Newark, and I was sprawled on my hotel room bed-furiously writing BlogHer’s questions on notecards.

I went to sleep knowing I would wake up Saturday morning, drive an hour and a half with my semi-polished toes and stringy-hair, and sit down and chat with the man who could very well be our next president.

I called my family. I sent out a few emails.

Then I quietly sobbed in my stale, hotel pillow.

I cried for joy at my opportunity, sadness over the stress I knew my kids and family were dealing with, and I cried to relieve myself of any emotion I had over what was about to happen.

Part Two, tomorrow. I scream, I cry more, and I meet a senator.

Save the Skeet!*

I got a Wii for Mother’s Day. Not a spa day. Not flowers. I DID get chocolate.

Chocolate and a Wii.

Exactly what I wanted.

While we have been playing tennis and driving Mario around goofy worlds and generally having a blast as a family, one game stopped me in my tracks.

Skeet Shooting.

Stupid. I know.

I played duck hunt as a kid. I remember the “X”s over the dead duck’s eyes. I think there was a dog. He was cute.

But I have issues with my kids shooting and playing with guns for ‘fun.’

It’s one of the things my husband and I really don’t agree on. Well, we agree to a degree, but not entirely. He’s fine with  skeet shooting. Didn’t even blink when I said ‘should we let the 5-year old skeet shoot on Wii?’

Thoughts in my head included -is it only skeet? Will he then want to shoot everything? Do I have to talk (again) about shooting and guns and safety and danger…because I am tired and I really don’t know if I have the energy RIGHT NOW to do this simply because I’m letting him play on the Wii.

Let it be know, so you are not confused and can yell at my hippie, liberal, California ass properly : I hate guns.

I hate them.

I am not from a family that hunts. I am not from a family that had a gun at home. I am not a fan.

I have had a gun held to my head.

I. Hate. Guns.

However (and this is a big however) my husband is from a family that hunts. He has attempted to convince me that shooting out back with Grandpa is an entirely acceptable past-time when we take the kids to visit the in-laws.

As you can imagine, this makes me not want to take the kids to visit the in-laws. Ever.

Of course I am not insane (mostly) and will compromise on some basic things. I’ve grilled my father-in-law as to the location and security of every gun he owns or every gun that is anywhere within 1 mile of my children.

I’ve conceded that I can see the benefit of teaching the children (I say that on purpose, because only my son is ever discussed when ‘shooting’ comes up and I think both kids need to be included) gun safety.

I have agreed that when it is age appropriate that whole ‘grandpa can teach you about guns’ thing can occur.

Then I mutter under my breath about how wrong it all seems to give a kid a gun, even if I agree education is necessary.

I’ve never allowed toy guns at home. NOT because I’m some crazy lunatic who thinks my kids will grow up violent having played with a toy gun-but because I know full well my kids will figure out guns and what they do in their own time. I am not going to speed up this process and encourage the ‘let’s run around and pretend to kill eachother’ game.

My son already turns sticks into guns. My son already talks about guns and shooting bad guys. He got there entirely on his own having never had a toy gun at home. Why would I have voluntarily given him one at 2 or 3-years old to encourage or speed up the process?

Which brings me back to the Wii.

In the end, we shot some skeet with our controllers. And my son took way too much pride in ‘accidentally’ nailing a duck.

However, he got very upset when his sister ‘accidentally’ shot a photo of his Mii (or avatar) smiling on one of the discs.

“Mom,” he said. “If that was real I would be dead. And I don’t want to be dead. Let’s play something else.”

Victory. Maybe.

*post title by Lee Stranahan, after we discussed the Wii Skeet issue on Twitter.com 

I Got Game

My daughter is begging to take ballet classes.

While yes, I took them once upon a time too…I really would rather she play a sport.

Go ahead…yell at me for saying that because you think dancing is a sport-not going to argue. I am just thinking a more ‘traditional’ sport like soccer or basketball or baseball. You get the idea.

However she really wants to put on a tutu and twirl around and be ‘beautiful’

Ugh.

I know. I know. I KNOW-I am as girlie as they come too.

I KNOW.

But then I see the new round of WNBA commercials and I want my tiny Princess to kick some ass in the paint.

Projecting these feelings, even just these expectations, anywhere near my children is dangerous. And I know better.

But damned if I  don’t get excited thinking of her taking down a few boys in a pick up game.

Sigh.

She’s 3.

And I am obviously crazy.

So in the morning when registration opens for summer classes, I’m going to enroll my daughter in ‘Princess Ballet’ and watch her spin and curtsy.

I’m going to smile.

I’m going to not-so-secretly hope she hates it.

I’m going to take her to a WNBA game.

I’m going to remember she is not me and I am not her.

I’m going to go buy her ballet slippers and a tutu and a wand.

I’m going to avoid the pink basketballs.

…at least this time.

Windmills

I spend too much time raiding windmills
We go side by side
Laughing until its right

Today my son and daughter romped through my front yard capturing and escaping each other. There were good guys and bad guys. There was talk of dragons. One of them requested a cape. The other a helmet and ‘some super special power mom, that can lock the bad guys in the cage with super strength.’ Legions of ladybugs were plucked from my rose bushes and employed as baby bad guys.

It wasn’t long before chalky sidewalks and littered toys on the lawn signaled a tremendous amount of imagination and life had occurred right there as I watched.

Everything was an adventure. Everything sparked something else. From monsters to dinosaurs to princesses to robots.

Nothing was impossible, except the errant frustration of fastening a button or fixing a misplaced rock.

As an adult I can remember that feeling. I admit I get that feeling still.

I get excited.

I get emotional.

I get passionate.

Much like in childhood, these characteristics get me fleeting from shiny object to shiny object. I will swear to you I have never loved one like it before.

And I mean it.

Much like in childhood, reality can be dismissed while dreams are realized.

I spend a lot of time lately being introspective. Motherhood versus the reality of children and responsibility. Teaching the idea that anything is possible while tempering with slight cynicism.

All while I continue to invest myself in many dreams and countless shiny objects. Knowing and seeing the possibilities.

It makes me a rather difficult adult to deal with.

… couldn’t hold her…
There’s something that you wont show
Waiting where the light goes
And anyway the wind blows
Its all worth waiting for

The kids complained as I made them come inside this evening. The toys put away. The dirt washed off. Their minds, however, never stopped playing.

There is something to be said for that- the very idea that it doesn’t shut off.

There are things in life that need to be taken care of, baths and bills…clean up and turning in. Appointments. Laundry. Forms. Schedules. Obligations.

But it doesn’t shut off.

I spend too much time raiding windmills…

Maybe.

-windmills

Sunday Inquisition with Queen of Spain LIVE

Starting at 7pm PDT and going…Gawd knows how long..We’re going to try Ustream tonight, since we keep crashing Stickam and YahooLive won’t let us moderate like we want…

You can join the fun here: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/queenofspain

Tonight’s Guests include Tara Anderson (@tarable) of Lijit, Baratunde Thurston* (@baratunde) of Jack and Jill Politics and Good Crime Think, and Zik Daniel (@ZIK). Which means we’ll be talking widgets and badges and CRAP for the blogs-and why Lijit might be the only one you really need. Tara can also move us into the political discussion nicely as her MOM IS IN JAIL after a protest. Baratunde and Zik will no doubt get into the entire Rev. Wright FIASCO and don’t be surprised if we see a few guest appearances from some loudmouth tweets!

Since I’ve been hearing a lot of whining lately, tonight’s giveaways will center around your ability to beg and whine. Leave a comment and tell me why you need a Creative Live! IM Pro webcam to register to win, and explain to me why you can’t pick up the phone to order flowers to win a Mother’s Day bouquet from 1800-Flowers.

All other readers get a 15% discount from @mindofandre from 1800-Flowers-comes in handy with Mother’s Day next week!

As always, Lucretia Pruitt (@geekmommy) and Maria Niles (@marianiles) will be rocking things behind the scenes and chiming in-and we just *might* have a special intro with music by R. Corey Oltman (@kingtiger) and the ‘voice of god’ Doug Welch (@dewelch) to kick off Sunday Inquisition!

*Baratunde and I recently hijacked 50cent’s Netvibe’s chat room. We’re sorry in advance if you get shot for hanging out with us tonight.

****discount code for 1800flowers discounts are:


FLOWERS: 15% off any purchase OR MOM8 : $10 off a purchase of $49.99 or more