2007 May

and after I…wipe away the tears

May 30, 2007 by Queen of Spain 24 Comments

Someone once told me a story, about these little jars…glass jars with corked tops..that women would use to collect their tears in while their loves were away at sea or at war or on a journey.

Tears are heavy. Tears are symbolic. Tears are the mind, body, and soul’s way to express what can’t be said. Pure emotion and love in a tiny glass vase, worn around the neck, tapping close to the heart as a battle is won, a discovery is made, a destiny reached.
The tiny jars are overflowing today. 18 months of pure emotion and love are pouring out of me with abandon. I can feel.
So here I am, exactly one week into Paxil withdrawal, filling up millions of imagined tear jars. They cover my counters and my shelves and my floor. They tink, tink, tink, as I clear room to make my way through this week.
They are all labeled. One for loves lost. One for friends found. One for coffee spilled. One for the laundry I must fold. One for things I should have done. One for people I never met. One for the stain on my rug. One for the baby books I should have kept. One for the coat I’m glad I bought. One for the game I should have won. One for the shampoo I ran out of. One for the socks I can’t match. One for babies I did not have. One for the men I love. One for the women I adore. One for the garden I need to tend.
The jars are clinking and cluttering my mind as I shake off the cobwebs. Tears have never come easy to me. Tears have never been a release. Tears were always messy, intense, and weak.
A river release is underway and I’m letting it flow through my life freely. It’s a temporary river, this I know. A few more days, maybe a week, and the seasonal stream will be gone.

I don’t fear these tears. I don’t have any ill will toward the jars collecting. I’m laughing and pouting my way through this chemical chaos, and I have no doubt I’ll emerge to sweep those tiny jars off my counters and tables with a crash…maybe saving a few to remind me where I was-but not before defiantly crunching them into the ground.

Filed Under: Stepford Crazies

Missing: My Friend Erin

May 30, 2007 by Queen of Spain 31 Comments

Hi guys,

This is Karen. Erin disappeared today into the world of Paxil Withdrawal. It’s has her by the balls. I wish I could be there to help with the kids, cook, clean, or simply put my arms around her and let her cry on my shoulder. I’ve been through Paxil withdrawal and it is ROYAL HELL.

Long time readers and friends know how amazing Erin is. She is the in-charge, in your face, into everything of substance kind of woman. A fighter. A passionate and caring person. A woman I am proud to call one of my very best friends.

The result of sleeplessness, resulting fatigue and too many tears:

Tell this beautiful Mama how much you love her. She needs to feel your internetty hugs and well wishes right now. I’m sure she will blog when she is ready.

Love,

Karen

Filed Under: Royal Pain, Stepford Crazies

Attention Whores Unite

May 29, 2007 by Queen of Spain 9 Comments

Giving up her anti-war protest, Cindy Sheehan is admitting to Mommy Guilt.

“It is so painful to me to know that I bought into this system for so many years, and Casey paid the price for that allegiance. I failed my boy and that hurts the most.”

I like to think of Sheehan as one of the most prominent “naptime activists” of our time. Love her or hate her, she grabbed the anti-war cause by the balls and fought only the way a mother can.

So I ask you- what does it say about our country, the state of our world, that a MOTHER is giving up her fight?

Right or wrong, Sheehan obviously believed in ending the war that claimed her son’s life. Beaten and belittled she has now retreated.

MOTHERS do NOT retreat. MOTHERS fight to the death. Our world is so very fucked up right now, that MOTHERS have had it and are burying their instinct to fade into the shadows. It truly is the end of the world as we know it-our basic, primal instincts can’t take the clusterfuck of this era.
I don’t fault Sheehan for giving up, a person can only take so much heartbreak and pain before becoming numb. I do, however, fault the times we live in-the culture, the ignorance, the ability of our government to ram us up the ass and the ability of our people to bend over and take it. Sheehan said it best, “Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives.”

I’m sure there are those of you who find Sheehan the worst kind of American. While I don’t agree with everything she has done or said, I think she’s the BEST kind of American. She took her pain and fought for what she thought was right. Remember my fellow sheep, you can actually DO that in this country. You can also disagree with her and find her tactics and speech disgusting. Amazing, isn’t it?
However, there is something terribly wrong when a fellow Mamma Bear, who has lost her cub, is beaten down and beaten back until her instinct to protect is nothing more than a faint dream.

Like Sheehan, I admit to being an attention whore. I’m not ashamed. I’m not apologetic. Unlike Sheehan, I am NOT exhausted. This mother can see where this world is headed, and she’s going to point it out and try her best to make others aware.

MOTHERS are giving up, that’s where we are at. Take note, take action, and take care.

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Holding Court, Queenie Backup

I left my sanity in San Franccssssisco

May 26, 2007 by Queen of Spain 12 Comments

I’m in lovely San Jose after a FANTASTIC morning meeting with some amazing women.

Yes, my meeting was rescheduled to wipe out the tragedy that was yesterday. Yes, I had a few glasses of wine at the Fairmont in San Fran to wash away the SCUM that was American Airlines/Eagle. And YES, as I sit here now I wonder IF I will actually be ALLOWED to BOARD this flight. But before I spend a week campaigning against and protesting a major airline, let me first say this:

I love you all. Thank you for trying to entertain me last night. Thank you for the calls and IM’s and the emails. Everything worked out in the end, as most things do, and I can’t wait to announce a partnership that will bring the virtual world to it’s knees in July.

Stay tuned.

Filed Under: BlogHer.org, Feeling YaYa

AMERICAN AIRLINES BLOWS

May 25, 2007 by Queen of Spain 8 Comments

I am finally in San Fransisco, and due to a massive FUCK UP by AMERICAN AIRLINES I MISSED MY REALLY IMPORTANT MEETING with these lovely women.

I don’t want to talk about it…yet. let’s just say I was DENIED BOARDING NOT for mechanical reasons and NOT for weather reasons…but because THEY FUCKED UP.
So I’m tired and drunk and in this hotel room so somebody had best call me or skype me (queenofspainblog) or IM me or SOMETHING. SITTING on my ASS in San FRAN mad and bored. NOTHING good can come of this.
NOW PEOPLE.

I’m waiting.

And really pissed. So you can watch or talk to me LIVE and hear me RANT. EMAIL me if you want my cell # or skype me or whatever. And so help me if you are within 100 miles of San Fran COME GET ME and take me somewhere fun. NOW.

Queenofspainblog@yahoo.com

Filed Under: BlogHer.org, Royal Rant

Stepford Crazy-now with less Paxil

May 24, 2007 by Queen of Spain 18 Comments

I’m off to the doctor today to discuss the possibility of ditching my anti-depressant. Yes, many of you just shook your heads upon reading that and went “nooooooooooo!” I don’t blame you.

I’ve been on Paxil for about 17 months. I’m still crazy, but I no longer have anxiety attacks over imagined kidnappers. Here is the other thing-I’m fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. I’ve gained about 30lbs on the drug. I’m the biggest I have ever been NOT pregnant.

I want off. And I want off now.

So I’m going to do my best to not LIE and tell the doctor I’m FANTASTIC. I’m going to tell him I’m better, I’m happier, and I no longer will stare at strangers intently at the park wondering if they are sexual predators. I have the libido of a 16 year old boy and I’m eating well and exercising. Correction-I’m not eating too much shit and every so often I go to the gym.

I’ll be honest. I’m starting to have those ideas in my head that the medicating of women of child bearing age is overrated. I know it worked for me, so I have NO SANE reason why I feel that way, other than I am sick of hearing everyone I know is on something to make them less bitchy.

So yes, I am taking a chance by thinking I can go off the Paxil. If I start having heart thumps when my husband is late coming home and am convinced he’s dead on the side of the road, I will go back on the Paxil. Or some other drug that won’t make me as fat.

Because I don’t care what you think…the fat is almost as bad as the crazy.

Filed Under: Stepford Crazies

A Day In The Life

May 22, 2007 by Queen of Spain 11 Comments

I can’t ever seem to put into words what really goes on around here. The everyday, little things that make me shake my head, roll my eyes, and wonder why in the hell I ever, ever, ever had children. I could tell you they are nutty little creatures, but you wouldn’t really believe me.

So I shall SHOW you instead.

From telling my daughter today she was silly and her reply of “I don’t need all this,” to today’s impromptu naked DJ session in my living room, complete with a mix master and a naked cowgirl.

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Princess Peanut, Stepford Crazies

An Opportunity of A Lifetime (OR the stupidest night you’ve had in a long time)

May 22, 2007 by Queen of Spain 7 Comments

I have 24 hours in the San Jose/San Fransisco areas starting THIS Friday at 11am.

Make my schedule for me. I will fill in the hours as things get moving..but so far I have TWO engagements: a lunchtime meeting on Friday with the fabulous Blogher founders and a breakfast on Saturday with the wonderful family at Violet the Verbose.

Other than that..I have a car, a flight, and no kids or husband.

I need:

~~a hotel room~~ Staying at the Queen of Nob Hill, aka the Fairmont. Get it…Queen? on a NOB? Get it??? *snort* sorry
maybe some Giants tickets? I hear that big headed guy might break some silly record soon

fun people to come out and play with me

Your suggestions and YOU are welcome to join me!!! I mean…come on…I’m FUN! And if nothing else, I’m really loud and annoying when drunk. That’s worth the entertainment right there.

Filed Under: BlogHer.org