Something Old, Something New

I caught my daughter in a wedding dress today.

Playing dress up at school and oblivious her mother had entered the class and was watching, she held a pencil in her hand like a bouquet and walked in a straight line to her cubby.

I nearly threw up.

Seeing her just pretend to get married sent shivers down my spine and made my otherwise calm mind go slightly insane. My gut reaction was “NO NO NO NO NO THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT FOR YOU!”

This is the reaction of a happily married woman who has had many, many benefits from being tied to one man for the rest of her life.

This is the reaction of a girl who dreamt of her own wedding since she was her daughter’s age.

This is the reaction of a mostly sane woman who has done as she pleases through out life and supports the institution of marriage.

Slightly panicked, I asked my darling daughter to take off her play veil and dress. It was time to go home.

But Mom, don’t I look beautiful?

Yes honey but it’s time to go.

But I look beautiful, right? Just like your picture on the tv.

Again I was stopped dead in my tracks.

Of course one of our wedding photos sits atop our television and of course she’s asked to see it a million times. She has asked me about the dress, the veil, the flowers. We’ve talked about how Daddy was wearing a tuxedo with his Chucks and why Mommy wore no shoes. She sees her father dote on me. She’s never seen us fight. She has no inclining of what it means to be married and what it takes to stay married and only vaguely knows and understands the word “compromise.”

To her, a marriage is a wedding and a wedding means a fancy dress and a pretty veil and everyone telling you just how beautiful you are.

As a young girl, I can remember my father telling me over and over again that I never needed to marry. That he wanted more for me, and that I didn’t need a man. He told me this so much, that I began to think of matrimony as some far off thing “other” girls did and something I “might” do someday if I felt like it. But even during my most independent of moments, that dress and those flowers and that ring still beckoned. I wanted to be told I was beautiful and I wanted a man to love me forever and I wanted all those things and then some despite myself.

There was no rationale for it though. No coherent, logical reason. Just like there was no coherent, logical reason I nearly lost my breakfast when I saw my 4-year old dressed as a bride.

Maybe it was less about the wedding gown and more about her growing up. Maybe it was my want for her to do everything and see everything and enjoy everything before getting married and settling down.

Maybe because I am finally realizing she is not me. She does not need and want what I need and want, and there is no guarantee that what makes me happy, will make her happy.

Maybe I just realized she’s her own, tiny peanut of a girl who will do what she wants, regardless of what I say. Pencil instead of bouquet, wrinkled size 4 wedding gown, obstinate and strong headed, fighting me to keep it on, while I wrestle it off.

I may have gotten the dress off today…but I may not next time around.

The (White) House Call

crossposted at BlogHer.com

I heard it from my doctor a few weeks ago. Now we’re hearing it from doctors across the nation- health care reform must happen, and happen soon.

Dozens of doctors stood on the White House lawn to hear President Obama urge them to “fan out across the country” and work for health care reform.

“Nobody has more credibility with the American people on this issue than you do,” Obama said. “And so if you’re willing to speak out strongly on behalf of the things you care about and what you see each and every day as you’re serving your patients all across the country, I’m confident we are going to get health reform passed this year.”

150 doctors from all 50 states were invited to the White House event. Prompting some Republican leaders to cry foul.

Rep. Tom Price, a physician, and Dr. Donald Palmisano, former American Medical Association president, said in a conference call that physician support for the Democrats’ proposals wasn’t as widespread as Monday’s event implied.

“We’re very concerned that a handpicked group of physicians were applauding a government takeover of health care,” Price said. “A random sampling (of doctors) wouldn’t show quite so many people applauding.”

However, according to the New England Journal of Medicine, 62-percent of physicians support a reform plan that incorporates both public and private funding.

To further the president’s point, Senate Democrats released a series of videos today with a few of the country’s pro-health care reform doctors:

The American Medical Association has also come out in favor of health care reform.

So why are we all still fighting about it? Don’t you usually listen to your doctor?

No, instead of honest debate about the issues we heard about how some doctors in the White House news conference forgot their white lab coats. Instead of talking about the AMA’s stance or the stats from the New England Journal of Medicine, we heard that the White House was insulting our intelligence with the big “Halloween” on the lawn.

All because the ones who forgot their lab coats were given some. It’s not like they gave them firefighter coats and asked them to fake like they were something they weren’t. I mean, this may be shocking…but it turns out a doctor in a suit is still a doctor.

47 million people uninsured in this country and it’s come down to who remembered to bring their lab coat instead of debate about policy.

As it turns out, not all Republicans are concerned with lab coats. Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is backing the President’s plan.

“Our principal goals — slowing the growth in costs, enhancing the quality of care delivered, improving the lives of individuals, and helping to ensure a strong economic recovery — are the same goals that the president is trying to achieve,” Schwarzenegger said in a statement.
“I appreciate his partnership with the states and encourage our colleagues on both sides of the political aisle at the national level to move forward and accomplish these vital goals for the American people.”

According to Reuters, no Republicans in Congress currently back the Finance Committee proposal to overhaul the $2.5 trillion U.S. healthcare system, or any other put forward by Democrats.

At least my doctor supports it, telling me “It’s inevitable.

We’ll see just how inevitable it is as the Senate Finance Committee is expected to vote within days and a final bill is put before lawmakers.

Contributing Editor Erin Kotecki Vest also blogs at Queen of Spain Blog, where she does not have a white lab coat.

I want more.

I’m doing everything I can to not cry right now.

I just separated and sifted through all of the baby clothes, toys, and trinkets stored in my garage and attic as we get ready for a garage sale. Rompers and teddy bears, mobiles and building blocks. That one soft book that was chewed on it’s edges. That one green elephant that was worn and loved.

I don’t want this to be over. I don’t want babies to be gone from my life. I don’t want to be through with car seats you have to carry, slings that I never used but might, or blankets so soft you can’t help but rub them against your cheek.

I don’t want to have this garage sale and I don’t want to be done having children.

My reasons are selfish and make no sense, and my husband does not share my emotions. He had to ask why I was reacting with every box and bag I opened. I told him I felt like my heart was being sucked from my chest. With every new item placed in front of me I had a million memories of tiny hands and tiny feet. Little runny noses and mostly bald baby heads. I could hear the cries. I could smell the powder. And inside, two school-aged children were oblivious to their Mother’s mental walk down memory lane.

Just this morning the kids were chasing each other around the house. They were giggling and running and generally causing chaos. Instead of telling them to quiet down, I laughed. Instead of telling them to walk, I wanted them to run faster. The stress and hustle and general drudgery that is our daily lives was gone for just a few minutes and everyone was simply happy.

It happened again at lunch. With the entire family around the table goofing around. Sharing silly stories and uproars of laughter.

I wanted to stop time today twice, and turn it back once. I wanted to bottle every moment I remembered in that garage and every giggle I heard on this Sunday.

I want more. I want more. I want more.

School Clothes

To school...like this?

So let’s just say THIS is how your preschooler wants to attend class today. Where do you draw the line?

Is the Public Option Dead?

Crossposted at BlogHer.com

I was sitting in my doctor’s office at UCLA when I got news the Senate Finance Committee shot down two public health insurance options.

Five Democrats joined with all the Republicans on the committee to reject an amendment by Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) in a 15-8 vote.
Three Democrats then joined the Republicans to defeat a second public-option proposal. By a vote of 13-10, the committee rejected an amendment by Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.).
Schumer, however, said the debate is far from over. He acknowledged during the debate that the public option doesn’t yet have the 60 votes on the Senate floor it needs to overcome a filibuster, but he emphasized to Huffington Post outside the hearing room: “Yet. I said ‘yet.'”

So if the public option doesn’t have the 60 votes why not 51? Jane Hamsher at Firedoglake explores the idea-

Chuck Schumer and Max Baucus just said that there were not 60 votes for the public option in the Senate.

The Public Option doesn’t need 60 votes. It needs 51. That is, unless the GOP filibusters it. What Baucus and Schumer are saying — explicitly — is that there are Democrats who would support a GOP filibuster to keep the public option from having an up-or-down vote on the floor of the Senate. They are saying that there are Democrats who would vote with the GOP to block a vote on something that the President says he supports — a public option.

My physician, Dr. Daniel Cole of UCLA Medical Center, wasn’t happy with the news of the amendments failing. “They are just postponing the inevitable” he told me, shaking his head. He then explained to me how he voted for Obama but really wants him to be stronger on the public option.

My own doctor, MY OWN DOCTOR then sat there telling me how patients he sees can’t take these insurance hikes any longer. How people can’t pay their bills. How a public option NEEDS TO HAPPEN and WILL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY because there is just no other way.

As it turns out, public support for health care reform is up to 57%, and support for a public option at 65%.

So where does that leave us?

CNN reports:

In efforts to bridge differences, the Finance Committee proposal dropped the public insurance option and a mandate for all employers to provide health coverage. It would require individuals to have coverage or face a fine of up to $1,900 for a family of four but includes subsidies to help low- and middle-income Americans obtain health care plans.

The committee began debating the compromise measure last week, with arguments erupting over Democratic proposals to reduce subsidies for some Medicare coverage while eliminating fraud and waste in the government health care plan for senior citizens.

Republicans argued that the changes would reduce benefits for senior citizens, but Democrats say the overall effect would be minor. Some advocacy groups cite reports that the amount of money involved is no more than 5 percent of overall Medicare spending and therefore won’t adversely affect benefits for the elderly.

Another compromise being discussed? One by Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe. Snowe has brought up a “trigger” mechanism that would create a public option in the future if specific thresholds and costs are not me. But the “trigger” has yet to be included in any proposal.

However the last, best gasp for any public option seems to be that magic 51 number. Will it or won’t it ever get to that? Who knows. Wonkette takes a stab

Well, it can: if the Dems can come together as 60 in a cloture vote, then the final floor vote on a public option would only need 50. Would you like to be one of the few Democrats standing on the floor, with the entire Republican caucus, to filibuster a health care bill from reaching an up-or-down vote on the Senate?

But of course the Democratic majority would never actually make the opposition go through with a real-life filibuster. Tacky!

Tacky, maybe. But my doctor and I will take tacky over NOTHING any day.

Contributing Editor Erin Kotecki Vest also blogs at Queen of Spain blog, where she’s really tired of sitting in doctor’s offices.

BlogHer is non-partisan, but our bloggers (like me!) aren’t! Read more of our coverage at News & Politics.

Sass

Do you see the face she's making? #killme

Check out that photo above. See the sass?

It. Must. End.

Hey Sen. Kyl: Maternity Care MATTERS

crossposted at BlogHer.com

I curse and yell “PATRIARCHY!” a whole lot, but today I went through the roof and my screams got a bit louder.

Why?

Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona.

Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona and how he is seemingly no friend to mothers across this country.

From Talking Points Memo:

Just before the Senate Finance Committee wrapped up for the long weekend, members debated one of Sen. Jon Kyl’s (R-AZ) amendments, which would strike language defining which benefits employers are required to cover.

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) argued that insurers must be required to cover basic maternity care. (In several states there are no such requirements.)

“I don’t need maternity care,” Kyl said. “So requiring that on my insurance policy is something that I don’t need and will make the policy more expensive.”

Stabenow interrupted: “I think your mom probably did.”

Here’s the video of the exchange:

Senator Kyl’s amendment, which was defeated, comes on the heels of learning most health insurance plans do not cover maternity care and consider c-sections a pre-existing condition. We also learned this week that seven states consider domestic violence a pre-existing condition.

In other words, insurance companies and, it appears, certain Senators from Arizona, don’t really care too much for women.

Think Progress drills down on the Kyl amendment:

As Igor Volsky notes at the Wonk Room, Kyl’s amendment “would prohibit the government from defining which benefits should be included in a standard benefit package and would permit health insurance companies to design policies that exclude higher-cost beneficiaries.”

Maternity care, in fact, is a perfect example of why Kyl’s amendment is so bad. Most individual health insurance markets don’t cover maternity care. In fact, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation, only 14 states have a requirement for such coverage, and the number of plans without maternity coverage continues to rise dramatically. Anthem Blue Cross — which has been actively fighting health care reform — considers pregnancy optional and therefore not necessary to insure:

“The point of insurance is to insure against catastrophic care costs. That’s what you’re trying to aggregate and pool for such things as heart attacks and cancer,” said an Anthem Blue Cross spokesman. “Having a child is a matter of choice. Dealing with an adult onset illness, such as diabetes, heart disease breast or prostate cancer, is not a matter of choice.”

“A well defined minimum benefits package would compel health insurers to provide basic services to all Americans,” adds Volsky. “The Kyl amendment, which ultimately failed, would have allowed the industry to continue profiting from discriminatory practices.”

Women already get the short end of the stick when it comes to health care.

From the New York Times:

Striking new evidence has emerged of a widespread gap in the cost of health insurance, as women pay much more than men of the same age for individual insurance policies providing identical coverage, according to new data from insurance companies and online brokers.

Some insurance executives expressed surprise at the size and prevalence of the disparities, which can make a woman’s insurance cost hundreds of dollars a year more than a man’s.

So on top of having to pay more, Senators like Kyl don’t find things like maternity care ‘necessary.’

Imagine, if you will, all things ‘maternity’ related being ‘unnecessary.’ Prenatal care. Ultrasounds. Labor. Delivery. Birth. Postpartum care. ‘Unnecessary.’

How many of you could afford to have a child if these were all considered ‘unnecessary’ by your insurance company? What if you found yourself pregnant and realized you could not afford all the costs associated with having this baby?

Is this really a way for Republicans to discourage the termination of pregnancy? Or could we see those numbers rise if Senators like Kyl got their way?

Yes, Senator Kyl, I echo Senator Stabenow. Your mother needed maternity care. All mothers need maternity care. And you’d be wise to yield the floor to the women who know better.

Erin Kotecki Vest also blogs at Queen of Spain blog, where she talks about her two children born via that pre-existing condition known as a c-section.

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers (like me!) aren’t! Read more of our coverage at News & Politics.

I Need An Elementary School Fairy GodMother

I sat at my son’s school last night alone.

I watched Moms congregate to other Moms. The really well dressed ones. The hipster ones. The entirely ready to conquer the PTA ones.

And instead of picking a group. I sat alone.

Sure I introduced myself here and there, made some small talk so as not to seem like the one crazy Mom in the corner…but when it came to finding a tribe, I was a bit lost.

I’m still intimidated by the Elementary School atmosphere. I know. I know. I talk to the White House, yet here I am intimidated by navigating public school.

But it’s chaos. The millions of committees and pamphlets they send home. The forms. The ENDLESS FORMS. Permission slips and volunteer sheets. Bake sales, fundraisers, after-school enrichment.

I’ve been helping out the school when I can. Setting up a computer, volunteering my husband and I for the pumpkin patch bake sale. But I feel like, as a 1st grade Mom who should be a veteran…I am clueless.

Lost.

What’s today? Where are we supposed to be? Does he have his snack? His lunch? His permission slip? Is today that field trip? Did I send the box tops? A sweatshirt? What time is pick-up again? Is there that PTA meeting today or tomorrow?

It just keeps going.

So I sat last night alone. Overwhelmed. And wishing for an Elementary School Fairy GodMother.