Asthma. Motherfucking asthma.

Ever wrestle a child to force him to breathe? Count Waffles the Terrible has asthma and he thinks his inhaler is a device made specifically to torture him. He’s had to breathe through the tube all of 4 times since last night and I can already see this will be our Waterloo. This will be our Battle of Gondor.
I started with the always helpful bribe: Candy? A happy meal? Toys?

No go.

I moved on to threats: No candy. No happy meal. No toys.

No go.

Then I pulled out the big guns: Your sister can stay next to you. She gets to play with you. I will not make her leave.

No go.

The Kaiser suggested suffocation until he was forced to inhale, but despite my large arms, I’m not sure I can pin the boy down, plug his nose, and keep the tube positioned so he breathes medication and not air. I can’t even pick the kids’ boogers anymore. I know, I know, it kills me too.

The good news is we haven’t had any attacks. Yet. But we’re really sick of the night time and now day time cough thing. All night. All day. All night. All day. All night. All day.

aheh. aheh. aheh. aheh.

All night. All day. All night. All day.

It’s enough to make you have more than one martini every night. Repetition is a killer.

So we’ve gone from a seasonal teaspoon of meds before bedtime, to a teaspoon all year round, to a teaspoon and a pill, to just a pill, to the new and improved pill and inhaler.

Fucking allergies. Fucking nature. Fucking man made pollution.

Down with trees!

Down with industry!

Down with inhalers!

I’m open to advice from any of you who may have children with asthma. We’ve got the humidifier. I’m all for logging our local oaks, but I think my neighbors might get upset. We’ve already got a Prius. I suppose we could move, but then I wouldn’t be able to buy him meds.
Am I going to have to rip all my carpet out and throw all the stuffed animals away? I am, aren’t I?

And is it legal to strap a kid down and plug his nose? Probably not.

Down with asthma.

How far in the tank do General Motor’s profits have to dip in order to market their gas guzzlers to my 3-year-old?

My adorable son came home from a “date” with his Nana last night, revved up from having seen Disney/Pixar’s Cars for the third time. In his wee little hand he was clutching the remains of his Happy Meal box. Dinner and a movie, everyone all together now “aaaaaw, a date with his Nana.”

Now maybe I’ve just lived in California too long. Maybe this ex-Detroit girl is disappointed in her hometown automakers for failing to step it up on the environmental end. Or maybe I just have PMS…but when I was presented with a mini toy-HUMMER, smelling of cheeseburger and fries, I cursed a blue streak that included “MOTHERFUCKER BIG OIL INFILTRATING MY HOUSE” and “YOU CAN’T EVEN GET YOUR KID A HAPPY MEAL ANYMORE WITHOUT THOSE DAMN BABY SEAL KILLER, ASTHMA GIVERS GETTING IN ON THE PROFITS.”

It wasn’t pretty. And I’ll admit, a little over the top. But since when am I subtle?

Stick a pirates treasure chest in there to promote Daddy’s new movie. Sure. I get that. Kid’s movie, kid’s toy. It works.

But Hummer teaming up with McDonalds makes me ill. I feel guilty enough as it is when I let my kids eat that crap every so often. But this match made in hell does not make sense. Unless it was just some corporate, behind closed doors, wink wink, nudge nudge, handshake deal that had white, fat cats laughing their asses off.

Count Waffles the Terrible will not be purchasing a Hummer anytime soon. Neither will his Prius owning parents. And for the record, my grandfather worked for Chrysler for 40 plus years. We own a Chrysler minivan. It has 8-thousand miles on it and it’s 2 years old. Suck on that Exxon. And we bought a Town and Country that was exclusively manufactured in Detroit and Windsor.

I know it’s not really fair to single out one car…but the Hummer really is a symbol of what is horrible about America. Consumerism at any cost and I shall rape the air, water, and land in the process. All so I can compensate for my small dick.

And now, like the tobacco companies before them, marketing execs over at GM think they are pulling a fast one on my kids.

Mistake.

I actually thought McDonalds was getting better. Promoting a healthier menu, etc. But this latest marketing scheme, in a time of high gas prices, war in oil rich lands, and a quickly eroding environment, makes this McMerger, Mc-bad PR.

No more happy meals. No GM products. And I’m spreading the word. Join me, won’t you?

…now I’m off to try and explain “carbon footprints” to my little guy.

For those interested, you can read the McDonald’s press release HERE. Feel free to let them know how you feel. I am.