The following conversation took place between myself and my two children on our way home from school this week. I was driving and singing Christmas songs (something my kids HATE) when I was asked to turn the volume down so we could ‘talk.’

Mom, why do we celebrate Easter?

Well, Easter is a time for renewal. And birth. And babies. And Spring and flowers and everything from winter that was dark and cold, turns to warm and light. So we celebrate the Spring, and in our house, the Easter Bunny- who brings eggs and chocolate and fun! Some other people celebrate Easter because they believe Jesus – remember him?

The Space Ghost guy…

Yes. Well they believe he rose from the dead on Easter.

You mean like a zombie?

Well, no…not  exactly.

Because Jesus was nice.

Yes, he was very nice.

So really he was like one of those zombies, but he had a mind control helmet.

And he doesn’t eat brains!

No, he doesn’t eat brains, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t wear a helmet.

So there are nice zombies?

Well no honey, there aren’t really zombies. Remember, zombies are not real.

So Jesus isn’t real either, like you said. Zombies aren’t real and Jesus isn’t real.

Well some people think he’s real, and some don’t.

Well if zombies aren’t real then Jesus can’t be real.

Unless he had the helmet. Because the helmet could be controlled by anyone and that would make him real and like a remote control zombie.

Listen. We can’t talk about Jesus being a remote control zombie with a helmet when we’re not in the car, ok?

Why not?

Because I said so, ok?

You mean like we have to say ‘Gosh’ instead of ‘God’ … you mean like that?

Yes, like that exactly.

I bet you he did eat brains though, all zombies have to eat. Even if they have the mind control helmet.

But nice Jesus Zombies wouldn’t eat brains, they would eat fruit.

But I don’t like fruit Mom. Maybe he likes cheeseburgers instead of brains. Or sushi! Because I love sushi!

But I like fruit, so it’s ok if Jesus likes fruit. And zombies maybe like fruit too, but maybe not. I don’t think they can chew it good because they don’t have many teeth.

Did Jesus have a lot of teeth?

I… yes… no… I don’t know how many teeth Jesus had! Can we just sing more songs?

…sigh.

We’re going to hell.