I realize we are coming up on Mother’s Day, not Father’s Day. And I also realize I spent several paragraphs back there swearing about my son…but…
Fuck 4-year olds
May 4, 2007 by 26 Comments
I’m going to fucking kill my 4-year old. I say that as the woman who birthed him. I say that as his #1 fan. I say that as the woman on this earth who adores him more than any other.
I’m reading shit like, “Four-year olds: Wild and Wonderful” and “Try and Make Me! Simple Strategies that Turn Off the Tantrums and Create Cooperation” and “1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12.”
Just the tiny fact that as his mother, I feel the need to read this shit pisses me off enough to just let him become a criminal. You’re acting in such a way I need to research how to deal with you? Oh hell no. Fuck that. I’m done.
Not really, but JESUS I want to ring his neck ala Homer and Bart. I bet choking him might actually make me feel better. But no. *of course I would never and I could never. So Instead I sit here with “A revolutionary new program for raising your DEFIANT child-without losing your cool.” Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Count Waffles the Terrible is hitting people. Everyone is a potential victim, not even small babies or his own Mommy can be shielded from the horror that is the closed-fisted WHAP he lays down like a hammer on anyone and anything. Take his truck kid at Gym Day Care? WHAP on your arm. Tell him he can’t have another cookie dear Mom? WHAP on the leg.
Today he hit two kids at the gym and yesterday he nailed some kid at school. So far taking away his most precious toys, time outs, tv time gone, etc has NOT worked. He sulks a bit and then LAUGHS (yes, it’s an evil laugh) at his punisher.
Thus the books, because if I don’t come up with something else soon, he’ll either really hurt someone or I will really hurt him. Or runaway. One of the two.
Suggestions are welcome. The books are already annoying me.
*rant over now.
Bring It
May 2, 2007 by 8 Comments
AND the Kaiser is coming to *try* and charm all you ladies. AND we’re bringing something naughty for the swag bags. AND I’ll be at Blogher.org later today with a nice and tidy and cuss free news roundup. AND Count Waffles the Terrible still thinks Jesus is made of Cheese.***Oh oh oh…AND I’m going to a performance tonight headed by a fellow Kick Ass (cocktail sipping) MammaBlogger:
STEFANIE WILDER-TAYLOR IN ASSOCIATION WITH
THEATRE PLANNERS
PRESENTS
NOBODY LIKES A YAPPY SKIRT
An Evening of Confessional Essays by:
Lisa Sundstedt Producer of the hit comedy show Pretty Funny Women
Cecily Knobler Writer and host Live from Hollywood, Us Weekly Fashion Police
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor Author Sippy Cups are not for Chardonnay and the upcoming Nap Time is the New Happy Hour
Ali Davis Second City Touring Company, Baby Wants Candy, “True Porn Clerk Stories”
Loretta Fox Regular on Fox comedy Freeride. Guest starred in Lifetime’s Lovespring International.
Nancy Cohen written for King of Queens, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Raising Dad, Good Girls Don’t, Courting Alex, Unhappily Ever After and the thought bubbles on Blind Date
Tami Sagher Writer Producer Mad TV
With music by Henry Phillips Dr. Demento Show
May 2nd
The Lounge Theatre 6201 Santa Monica Blvd.
(corner of El Centro and S.M) Hollywood-
7:30 doors open at 7:15
$7 admission- reservations mandatory 310-922-1668
Wine, Beer and Snacks available
A grocery store is as good a place as any…
April 30, 2007 by 8 Comments
Forgive me for sounding like one of those little quotes in Reader’s Digest from Martha in Podunk, Kentucky…but…
The ENTIRE family (and when I say ENTIRE I mean..ALL of us PLUS the inlaws) made our way down the bread aisle at our local market. There were two other women staring at the selection of whole wheat and white when out of the blue my daughter yells…wait for it…
I TOOOOOTED!
Of course the Kaiser and I burst into laughter and shake our heads. Because what the hell else do you do?
Blog Whore
April 27, 2007 by 11 Comments
Sometimes Karen and I get a little goofy. When we do…this is what happens.(get to the comments to understand what I’m talking about)
The blog girls are throwing a virtual baby shower today. Get yer buns over there.
Its nothing but sick kids and 110 degrees here. So move along.
As if I don’t have ENOUGH trouble keeping her from being a lush, with no top on…
April 23, 2007 by 21 Comments
…so I was walking through Mervyn’s (yes, large department store chain…I’m NAMING you…come and get me you bastards) with my family this weekend when I saw a Junior’s PJ display.
Just to review, juniors are, generally, NONadults. This would mean they certainly can not vote, or drink, or do many things for themselves that do not require their parent’s permission.
Being the lounge-wear fashionista that I am (that’s my new way of saying ‘sweat-pant mom’ like it?) I had to see what the kids were wearing in the PJ department.
Here’s where things got fuzzy for me, because I ended up in a blind rage tantrum, making the rest of the shopping experience kind of hazy. I know I yelled more than once “ARE THEY KIDDING?” and I also demanded the Kaiser take out his cell phone to take a picture, to which he replied “but I have no camera phone…” despite my continued insistence he TAKE a picture NOW.
Anyway, what could have possibly set me off in such a tizzy in a public place such as…let me say it AGAIN…MERVYN’S????
Captain Morgan’s rum and Jack Daniel’s whiskey PJ sets, marketed to junior GIRLS.
At Mervyn’s. That’s right, I’ll say it again…liquor pajama pants and t-shirts for junior girls. Because nothing says “I’m Daddy’s sweet and innocent little girl” like “Gotta a little Captain IN YA??”
Cough. Ahem…
I realize I have a martini in front of my children. I realize their Dad BBQ’s with a beer in his hand. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DON’T MARKET YOUR BOOZE TO MY DAUGHTER UNTIL SHE’S AT LEAST OLD ENOUGH TO FUCKING BUY IT.
Cough. Ahem.
I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of finding out some asshat company thinks it’s ok to sell my 5-year old a padded bra to boost that cleavage. I’m so tired of seeing those whore-bag Bratz dolls with their blue eyeshadow and thigh highs. I’m so tired of booze companies trying to sell pictures of their bottles on pj pants to my preteen, like its all in good fun.
If anyone is going to teach my daughter to be a cocktail swilling hussy, it’s ME-not you idiots. So lay off. Geez, that is sooooooo the mother’s job, not yours.
I think I shall go write nasty letters to Mervyn’s and Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels now. You know, because I need to yell at someone.
Fuckers.
(and YES, I DO kiss my mother and my children with this mouth—pppppppffffffffft)
Recent Comments