You know, like Britney.

I think I’m a better parent when *other* people are around. Vistors, family, whatever…I’m on my best behavior.

Less yelling. Less total loss of temper over stupid things like who’s turn it might be to use the nintendo ds.

I don’t think I’m Joan Crawford or anything when people are  *not* around, but I certainly get along better with everyone. Or maybe when no one is looking (which is a whole LOT) I’m just lazy.

Lazy Queen. Do laundry, sure…put it away…hell no. Lunch? Thaw a peanut butter jelly frozen thingy. Candy? Yeah, go ahead, I don’t feel like arguing.

Then there is the “Mom away on trip, kids act like perfect angels for inlaws, babysitter, teachers, father, grandparents, etc.” “Mom home and children turn into psychotic little people and melt down over everything and act like barbarians.”

So what does all of this lead me to believe? That maybe work is good and I need to be away from them more. They hate it. But they are BETTER when I am not around. It’s as if life is MORE NORMAL for them if I am not there.

Do I want to be away more? Depends on the day. Not really, but sometimes yes. Maybe I’m just having a bad day but I feel horrible at this “mom” job sometimes.

I work from home too much.

I don’t get down on the floor and play enough.

I yell too much.

I’m lazy about responding to their 400 questions or requests.

I look forward to dinner time so I can pour wine.

I worry all my son’s quirks (he’s currently sniffing his fingers 300 times an hour) are my fault.

I worry I’m too hard on my daughter.

And instead of doing anything, I do nothing. I say ok to cake at 1030am and read blogs.

Sigh.

Blogging helps me think all these things out. Writing has always made me feel better. So just writing all those things makes me realize I’m not awful. I’m not the worst mom ever. I need to improve, yes…but it’s not like these children are neglected. I think. I hope.

Anyway, before I cry. Come visit, you know, for the sake of the kids.

I arrived home from Vegas a few hours ago and have been in a death grip by the 2.5 year old.

When Mom goes away, death grips are administered for a good week upon her return. They tend to pant me when their little hands grip my sweats…but other than that, they are usually harmless.

So basically I was pulled from the almost surreal whirlwind that was BlogWorld Expo and total concentration on Photrade.com and the social media community ( feeling like I can’t even say my “bloggy” friends anymore) and given no transition time to even unpack before I was laying my daughter down in her bed and pulling her hands from her pull-up because she fell asleep grabbing her crotch.

Some women have a hard time shutting off the Madonna and turning into the whore, not me. I have a hard time shutting off the Hillary and turning into Mrs. Cleaver. One minute I’m conquering the world, and the next I’m under a bunk bed frantically trying to retrieve a lost Elmo.

I wonder if my decision to stay at home with the kids wasn’t only for the benefits, but because I have a hard time focusing and concentrating on them and ANYTHING else…be it work or otherwise. They scatter my head. They scatter just about everything…but also my head…and I also wonder if I’m capable of doing anything SMALL. For those who know me…it’s balls out all the time, and I go big or go home. Queen goes big. I’m not content with a little gig here or there, I launch companies, found virtual conferences, host “firsts” and create waves. Waves that leave little ones grabbing for the side of the boat from the wake.

As they get older and I work more, I find myself throwing myself into projects and neglecting my Mom role and then throwing myself into MOM and neglecting my projects. It’s a constant battle that results in death grips on a crazy, laptop carrying lady, pants to her ankles, towing kids.

Balancing work and home sucks. Balancing with pants around your ankles sucks. Of course my mind automatically wanders to more family friendly companies, conferences (thanks for the babysitting BlogHer) and a good kick in the ass of the attitudes of some professionals and colleagues I know…god knows I love me a good Queen smack down…but all of that sounds like another project for another time.

Right now I’m tired. I really need to pull up my pants, release the death grip on these sweats, and get us all some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I’ll activate my world domination plan while I knit and read blogs.