The POUT Face & Why I Must End It…NOW

#allhailhala says "Hug a Lion's fan...like my Mama" #lions #whodat

I really don’t know why I’m surprised. My six-year old daughter was pulling out her full on POUT face (see above) for $99 Prada frames at the eyedoctor…even though her vision was deemed 20/20.

That’s right, she has zero need for glasses yet walked out of her exam having decided she needed a pair to go with ‘just some outfits’ and because several other little girls in her class had gotten glasses.¬†Cue my very unoriginal ‘and if several other girls in your class decided to jump off a bridge…’ which then I immediately turned into a seemingly unoriginal rant about how she should have her own, independent style and it should have very little to do with eyewear. Doesn’t she want to be a trend setter?

But Mom these are dark pink and light pink, no one has those.

Doesn’t she want to show off her pretty face and her great vision?

But Mom, did you see the little diamonds on the side?

We can find OTHER non-prescription glasses at another store much cheaper if you really want a pair to just ‘wear.’

But Mom, I want THESE and this is the EYEGLASSES STORE. I don’t want to get my GLASSES from the grocery store.

Ok that one I’ll give her, and maybe the diamonds thing (they were cute) but I’m not buying a ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR pair of GLASSES (Prada or no Prada label) just so she can maybe wear them to school a few times, get bored with them, and then put them on her American Girl doll with whom she is now, also, bored.

This is my fault. I know. I deserve this, don’t I?

My Mother is snickering in Florida somewhere reading this.

We can have this argument when she’s 16. But not SIX. Which is stupid for me to say because we’re having it and she’s six, so let me just say this argument will make more sense at 16. So I’m cutting it OFF at six.

Or trying to.

Oh who am I kidding. I’m screwed.

I’ll just hand over the $100 now and call it a day. And then throw in a goose that lays golden eggs and rename her Veruca.

And don’t tell her that her Mother got the Versace frames. Oh screw it, tell her. I AM THE MOM AND I CAN GET WHAT I WANT.

No really, don’t tell her. I’m tired.

The Death of Osama bin Laden

But Mom…how do people get evil? Are they always evil? Do they get born evil or does something turn them evil?

Did our soldiers get killed? Why did we kill him? Why did the President have him killed? Why are so many people so happy about killing him?

But why do they hate us so much? Why do we hate them? Why would those men do that? Did they jump out of the planes before they crashed into the buildings? Why would they die too? Why would they do that Mom?

How did we kill him? Why would they make jokes about shooting him in his eyes? Are they yelling U-S-A U-S-A because we won?

Mom, does this mean the wars are over now?

Stand Back

Somewhere between all my doctor’s appointments and procedures…and Valentine’s Day…my daughter seems to have found her voice.

The Princess on her Horse

It was always there, but only known to us. We had the privilege, nay, the honor, of seeing her ham it up around the house. However she always seemed to become shy if anyone else dared watch. Sure she would let it out here and there, but she always saved the real her for when it was just the four of us.

She would let others talk first, she’s the baby after all. She would withdraw and cuddle into our necks if anyone asked her name, or how old she was.

And then, almost over night, something changed. Her fear and shyness and hesitation were gone. Well, almost.

While I am glad she’s seemed to have found the courage to be herself in public and beyond, I’m also…well, scared.

Why? Easy…she’s..she’s… gah. I don’t even know how to explain it. Leave it to my only daughter to have me struggling for words.

Let’s just say the girl already has her own hashtag on twitter and *I* didn’t give it to her. She’s been known to render men helpless with her cuteness, and make her father double over with laughter with her jokes. Lately she’s been singing every sentence instead of saying it and this comes just after a spell of only speaking in her ‘fake’ baby voice for months.

But what really matters here, is that just shy of her sixth birthday, she’s starting to come out of her shell. She is starting to show the world exactly who she is and who she is becoming. Sure she still hides a bit when friends come over, and refuses to speak at her school presentation…but just give her a bit. This girl we know and love is coming out, little by little, and trust me…once she gets going, you won’t want to miss the show.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the… oh nevermind

@aaronvest @spamspam
Mom, I want a new game.

You have like 40 new games…you don’t need a new game.

Mooooooooom, but the App store says there is a new snail game, I want the new snail game.

Wait…the App store? How do you even know where the App store is? Did the App store TELL you it had a new game?

I always look for new games Mom, I feed my puffle, feed my fish, feed my reef animals, and then I see if there are new games at the App store.

Sigh.

Oh Apple, what have you done?

Jesus Was A Zombie

The following conversation took place between myself and my two children on our way home from school this week. I was driving and singing Christmas songs (something my kids HATE) when I was asked to turn the volume down so we could ‘talk.’

Night two!

Mom, why do we celebrate Easter?

Well, Easter is a time for renewal. And birth. And babies. And Spring and flowers and everything from winter that was dark and cold, turns to warm and light. So we celebrate the Spring, and in our house, the Easter Bunny- who brings eggs and chocolate and fun! Some other people celebrate Easter because they believe Jesus – remember him?

The Space Ghost guy…

Yes. Well they believe he rose from the dead on Easter.

You mean like a zombie?

Well, no…not ¬†exactly.

Because Jesus was nice.

Yes, he was very nice.

So really he was like one of those zombies, but he had a mind control helmet.

And he doesn’t eat brains!

No, he doesn’t eat brains, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t wear a helmet.

So there are nice zombies?

Well no honey, there aren’t really zombies. Remember, zombies are not real.

So Jesus isn’t real either, like you said. Zombies aren’t real and Jesus isn’t real.

Well some people think he’s real, and some don’t.

Well if zombies aren’t real then Jesus can’t be real.

Unless he had the helmet. Because the helmet could be controlled by anyone and that would make him real and like a remote control zombie.

Listen. We can’t talk about Jesus being a remote control zombie with a helmet when we’re not in the car, ok?

Why not?

Because I said so, ok?

You mean like we have to say ‘Gosh’ instead of ‘God’ … you mean like that?

Yes, like that exactly.

I bet you he did eat brains though, all zombies have to eat. Even if they have the mind control helmet.

But nice Jesus Zombies wouldn’t eat brains, they would eat fruit.

But I don’t like fruit Mom. Maybe he likes cheeseburgers instead of brains. Or sushi! Because I love sushi!

But I like fruit, so it’s ok if Jesus likes fruit. And zombies maybe like fruit too, but maybe not. I don’t think they can chew it good because they don’t have many teeth.

Did Jesus have a lot of teeth?

I… yes… no… I don’t know how many teeth Jesus had! Can we just sing more songs?

…sigh.

We’re going to hell.

Dog Weddings.

photo.JPG

This was the scene in the back seat just moments ago as the puppy and the kindergartener looked at the clouds outside and imagined shapes.

I think that one looks like a parakeet, what do you think Nicky?

And all was well and good.

Until…

Mommy, how do puppies like Nicky get made? I mean, how do they get born?

Cough.

Something something penis. Something something vagina. Something something mostly just like people.

But Mommy, do they have to get married firsts? Do puppies get married?

This is where I realized I had failed my little girl. Or not. She clearly thinks babies only get made if you are married and we all know that’s not exactly true.

While I would love to keep her from sex for as long as possible, I realize that is not practical or fair to her. She should be sexually aware and active when she’s mature enough and ready, and it has nothing to do with holy matrimony.

But if I lied, and she continued to believe babies are only made by married people…would it really be soooooooo bad? Cue evil thoughts.

In the end I told her the truth. Damn my truth telling ways.

No honey, puppies don’t get married. And lots and lots of people with babies don’t get married. All families are different, remember? Not everyone is just like us.

I know Mom. But I like our family the best. I want my bruddur and I wish I could marry him but I can’t so maybe I will marry my new friend Nicole.

That’s just fine honey. You marry who you love or don’t marry at all… and have babies or don’t have babies. It’s all up to you.

It’s up to me? Wow.

I’m Sure He Will Say It’s My Fault…I Taught Her Everything She Knows

I just watched my husband spend an entire hour Wii bowling so his daughter could have the sparkly ball.

On the surface you may think “So what?” But this man was just worked over by a five-year old with long eyelashes and an adoring smile.

They crack me up

*crying* Daddy, Jack has the blue sparkly ball and I really want the blue sparkly ball but I can’t get it *sobbing heaves*

It’s the perfect set up. I know it well. She tells him her sorrows. Her horrible, heart wrenching troubles.

*crying* Daddy the blue sparkly ball is so pretty *pauses to sob harder* and I really, really want it but I’ll never get it. Never *more crying*

Then, she moves in for the kill-

*crying* Daddy will you please play my guy so I can get the blue sparkly ball because I really, really, want it *covers faces and heaves for dramatic effect*

And not three minutes later, after a full three minutes of me telling her if she wanted to work hard for the blue sparkly ball I’m sure she could earn it, just like her brother did … her father waltzes into the room.

Baby girl do you want Daddy to get that blue sparkly ball for you?

Head. Desk.

Worst Mother Ever? Video Games, Blood, and My Kids

…and here’s the part where I get dead.

I’m cutting his head off!

Dad! Remember! We were going to get new weapons today!

Serious gamer

Somehow we went from benign, educational, age-appropriate games to Castle Crashers. And I’m not sure how and when we made this leap or how I let it slip by.

My husband thinks it’s no worse than watching Star Wars. So not really paying attention I defaulted to his logic and failed to really take a look at this new game the kids and their Dad were playing.

Then I hear:

I chopped my brother’s head off! And there is blood!

Mamma ain’t happy.

But I keep defaulting to Dad. I mean, I’m supposed to do that right?

He says cartoony blood is ok. It’s not real blood. Which I get, I do. But… I dunno. I just don’t know.

Should I put my foot down and ban this game? Should I trust their father… who I know wouldn’t let them do anything inappropriate.

Sigh. Confused. This is either my biggest parent fail yet or my Mother-anxiety kicking in. I can’t decide.