Royal Family Outing

I’m a Busy Bee…

October 16, 2007 By Queen of Spain 14 Comments

I tend to keep busy. Sort of. I’m a very good at uberlaziness and total chaos deadline insanity. The end results are usually amazing and my “little” projects tend to keep me nice and sane while two preschoolers run around me throwing Cheerios and reciting Spongebob jokes.

That being said I’ll be involved in a new project launching over at blogher.com next month, and I’ve been very busy helping out my friend Andrew at Photrade.com. I have to tell you guys…I love the site and the idea behind it, not to mention I puffy heart Andrew and Krista and really want them to succeed.

I’ve got three invites to be part of the beta Photrade.com site and will happily give them to the first three bloggers asking in my comments!

***updated*** keep asking in the comments if you want one…you never know what sort of miracles I can pull off. No promises…but….maybe…

Welcome Photrade!

Filed Under: BlogHer, BlogHer.org, Holding Court, Royal Family Outing

….a million and ONE dreams

October 9, 2007 By Queen of Spain 11 Comments

Alright all you NON believers-I finally had a hair-brained idea and it WORKED!

Unlike my last outing with the kids sans help, I now RULE THE PARENTING WORLD and can manage two preschoolers and the Happiest and most crowded place on earth. No leashes. One stroller for about an hour-all while I sipped a latte and read them Chaucer.

Maybe not, but I conquered Disneyland and Disney’s California Adventure, bitches. (hmmm did I just hear a mouse sigh because I said “bitches?” some Disney exec is like…”did she haaaave to say that?”)

We were invited to a “parent blogger” reception by Disneyland Resorts and Maria Bailey. This included tickets to the parks, tickets trick-or-treating, swag-oh the swag. Let me just say when Disney puts on a “reception” they put ON a “reception.” I’m pretty sure my kids thought they were dreaming. This mom thought she was dreaming.

I left the house thinking we *might* make it a few hours and maybe go on a few rides-and if the kids lost it then we’d just come home. Not only did we do BOTH parks ALL day, we did the reception, trick-or-treated through California Adventure, then we spent the night at the Grand Californian.

To say the kids and I had the best day ever is probably an understatement. They were angels. They had that twinkle in their eyes that only comes when you get to kiss Mickey Mouse. They were in aww. They were out of words. They gave me more “Mom moments” than I can count.

Thanks Disney. Next time I get a hair-brained idea to take off with both kids by myself, I’m coming to you.

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Royal Family Outing

Carnys!

August 8, 2007 By Queen of Spain 19 Comments

Like a drunken whore, not thinking before she acts…I took the kids to a local county fair this week. By. My. Self.
Yup…4H Club pigs, goats, cows (oops, I mean heifers) and kids in strange bow ties. The Ferris wheel my youngest was too small to ride and my oldest didn’t want to ride. Cotton Candy, live music (TONY ORLANDO!) and even hay. HAY people.

We had to ride a yellow school bus, much to the kids’ delight, to the fair. We couldn’t even park and walk on in. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this, other than I’m so shell shocked I need to just type. Type. Type. Type.

I should mention I live in the burbs of Los Angeles. Which means as much as we TRY to have a regular old county fair…we still have Pink’s hot dogs and the Bangles. That’s our fair.

Anyway, I woke up that day with um…as the men in my life call it an “I Love Lucy” moment and decided the kids and I needed to DO something that day. We NEEDED to get out of the house. I was thinking beach. Maybe the movies. The park. But I gave in to the udder obsessed 4-year old (its true, he loves cows with tits) and decided going to the county fair seemed easy and totally do-able.

Holy fuck was I wrong. From the yellow shuttle bus in to the fair “complex” to the hour ride home in traffic…I WAS WRONG.

A 2-year old who REFUSED to hold my hand and Count Waffles who ONLY WANTED COW TITS, I’m a tired, tired, tired mother. Send wine. I’ll be cowering in the corner and checking my email between bong hits.

Filed Under: Royal Family Outing

Los Angeles I’m Yours

July 9, 2007 By Queen of Spain 14 Comments

That “old” feeling can creep over you, unexpectedly, in many ways.

One way is while you are enjoying a show at the historic Hollywood Bowl, and the performers call for everyone to hold up their cell phones.

Ummm…wwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhat?????

Back in my day we held up lighters. Ok, so they have probably been banned or something…but we certainly did NOT hold up our cell phones and let them glow blue and green in the Hollywood night sky. We held up FIRE-and then we used the FIRE to light up a smoke or a joint. THAT’s how it was done, dammit.

My girlfriend’s 15-year old informed me this has been happening for many years now. Which made me feel sad I was so old, but even more sad because it had been that long since we’d been to a concert. In fact, this was our first show since we moved to Los Angeles (nearly 10 years ago)-you know, where GOOD bands come to play, as opposed to say Farmville, MI where maybe, just maybe, one BIG act comes once every two years.

All of that cell phone nonsense aside, if you are ever in Los Angeles, I highly recommend the historic Hollywood Bowl. Go ahead and bash LA-but I dare you to find anything like this anywhere else in the US. And yes, we drove our Prius there and drank wine-so make fun of us all you want. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Except maybe a lighter and a joint.

Filed Under: Royal Family Outing, Stepford Crazies

Dump the Sippy Cup, or the Terrorists Win

June 14, 2007 By Queen of Spain 9 Comments

I have a 4-year old and a 2-year old and they both know to take off their shoes, put them in the tray, and push the tray through airport security.

How fucking sad is that?

I guess the way I will always remember life with computers and cable, my kids will always remember life with shoeless walks through a radar detector and the inability to have their sippy cups FULL until “mommy gets on the other side of all these police officers, honey.”

I realize it could be worse. I realize the small sacrifice I made, throwing out my coffee cup I had only taken ONE sip out of, helps the greater good (keep saying that…if I keep saying that it MIGHT be true) but when I hear stories about moms who were detained by police and missed their flights over a child’s spilled tap water…I tend to lose it, just a little.

The kids and I were lucky today. We flew across this entire “free” country without incident. We all know that never happens. Not in this day and age and not with two small children. But, here we are…on the east coast, with sippy cups intact. My son is recalling how he liked walking through the “puffer air blower” and my daughter has yet to put her shoes back ON from her dirty bomb/shoe check.

I don’t know where this country is headed. I can’t say I feel any more or less safe because I left our BIG tube of toothpaste and my daughter’s LARGE excema lotion at home because they didn’t fit in that plastic bag. Part of me thinks the smoke and mirrors I witnessed first hand just frighten my kids and piss me off. Part of me thinks this is just life in the USA.

What I do know, is I had angels, not terrors with me on our flight today-and for that I’m grateful.

Filed Under: kill me now, Royal Family Outing

A grocery store is as good a place as any…

April 30, 2007 By Queen of Spain 8 Comments

Forgive me for sounding like one of those little quotes in Reader’s Digest from Martha in Podunk, Kentucky…but…

The ENTIRE family (and when I say ENTIRE I mean..ALL of us PLUS the inlaws) made our way down the bread aisle at our local market. There were two other women staring at the selection of whole wheat and white when out of the blue my daughter yells…wait for it…

I TOOOOOTED!
Of course the Kaiser and I burst into laughter and shake our heads. Because what the hell else do you do?

Filed Under: Royal Family Outing, Royal Sillies

As if I don’t have ENOUGH trouble keeping her from being a lush, with no top on…

April 23, 2007 By Queen of Spain 21 Comments

…so I was walking through Mervyn’s (yes, large department store chain…I’m NAMING you…come and get me you bastards) with my family this weekend when I saw a Junior’s PJ display.

Just to review, juniors are, generally, NONadults. This would mean they certainly can not vote, or drink, or do many things for themselves that do not require their parent’s permission.

Being the lounge-wear fashionista that I am (that’s my new way of saying ‘sweat-pant mom’ like it?) I had to see what the kids were wearing in the PJ department.

Here’s where things got fuzzy for me, because I ended up in a blind rage tantrum, making the rest of the shopping experience kind of hazy. I know I yelled more than once “ARE THEY KIDDING?” and I also demanded the Kaiser take out his cell phone to take a picture, to which he replied “but I have no camera phone…” despite my continued insistence he TAKE a picture NOW.

Anyway, what could have possibly set me off in such a tizzy in a public place such as…let me say it AGAIN…MERVYN’S????
Captain Morgan’s rum and Jack Daniel’s whiskey PJ sets, marketed to junior GIRLS.

At Mervyn’s. That’s right, I’ll say it again…liquor pajama pants and t-shirts for junior girls. Because nothing says “I’m Daddy’s sweet and innocent little girl” like “Gotta a little Captain IN YA??”

Cough. Ahem…

I realize I have a martini in front of my children. I realize their Dad BBQ’s with a beer in his hand. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DON’T MARKET YOUR BOOZE TO MY DAUGHTER UNTIL SHE’S AT LEAST OLD ENOUGH TO FUCKING BUY IT.

Cough. Ahem.

I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of finding out some asshat company thinks it’s ok to sell my 5-year old a padded bra to boost that cleavage. I’m so tired of seeing those whore-bag Bratz dolls with their blue eyeshadow and thigh highs. I’m so tired of booze companies trying to sell pictures of their bottles on pj pants to my preteen, like its all in good fun.

If anyone is going to teach my daughter to be a cocktail swilling hussy, it’s ME-not you idiots. So lay off. Geez, that is sooooooo the mother’s job, not yours.
I think I shall go write nasty letters to Mervyn’s and Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels now. You know, because I need to yell at someone.

Fuckers.

(and YES, I DO kiss my mother and my children with this mouth—pppppppffffffffft)

Filed Under: Holding Court, Princess Peanut, Queenie Backup, Royal Family Outing, Royal Rant, Royally Inebriated

Home Again Home Again

March 14, 2007 By Queen of Spain 4 Comments

I just flew from Detroit to Los Angeles with nary a peep from the youngin’s or a puke OR traffic…OR some sort of meltdown over a broken crayon or broken hotwheel.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nobody. Say. Anything. You might jinx it.