2006 December

Jesus is a GIRL

December 22, 2006 by Queen of Spain 10 Comments

Count Waffles the Terrible is adamant that Jesus Christ is a woman.

Apparently the preschool, preholiday puppet show included “a baby girl, a donkey, star people, an angel, clouds, and a blue guy.”

When I tried to tell my little guy that I was rather certain the “baby girl” he spoke of was actually a baby boy, he stopped me.

“No. No. Mom. No. It was a girl. I saw it. It was a girl.”

Funny I didn’t even question the inclusion of “star people” or a “blue guy” in the nativity, as far as I know there aren’t any scientologists at our preschool. Or smurfs. But Jesus? A GIRL? Hell yes that got my attention. Seeing as one of my favorite feminist cartoons depicts a nativity scene with everyone peering into the manger and exclaiming “IT’S A GIRL!”

Later on in the day I asked the Count again why he thought the baby in the manger was a girl. And the feminist household I covet had it’s image shattered into pieces, by a 3-year-old;

“Mom, I knew it was a girl because all she did was cry and whine.”

Ouch.

So in the spirit of the season, please, please, please, go listen to this wonderful rendition of O Holy Night. Sung by some guy. Please, promise me you will listen to the end. Promise me. Now. Then return here and tell me how much you love O Holy Night and Jesus as a woman.

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Men and their duckcamps

My Favorite Goat

December 20, 2006 by Queen of Spain 4 Comments

Not only did Jay send us the coolest holiday card ever (who doesn’t want a candy cane in their martini glass?) but she wrote one of the best holiday posts I’ve ever seen.

“The day is dismal, and you know your shift will end before the line runs out. But not before a young woman walks in, whom you instantly recognize.

She was the very good friend of your younger sister. She spent days swimming in your pool, nights eating at your table. At birthday parties, she’d throw her fishing pole over the staircase banister chanting “Here, fishie, fishie” while you sneakily attached a prize and gave the line a tug to let her know that she’d caught a big one.

She recognizes you too, and you can see in her eyes that she is wrestling between her pride and her need, and you know that she can tell by your hot cheeks that you are wrestling too.

How can you keep it professional when you’ve seen her dancing around the toadstool at Brownies? What is there to say?

Well, I’ll tell you.

I said hello.

She said hello.

Then she cried.

And then I cried. Because this is how I help people, by crying with them. Because I couldn’t take away her poverty, I didn’t know how.”

Go on over to Jay’s site. Read the entire post. Make sure you spread the love this holiday season.

And a reminder to go over to www.readysetholiday.com for last minute shopping. They are letting you donate to military families via their site. Let’s not forget all those families with Moms or Dads in that hell on earth overseas.

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Uncategorized

Reindeer Food

December 20, 2006 by Queen of Spain 7 Comments

You need:

Oatmeal

Glitter

ziplock bags

Printed tags that read: On Christmas Eve sprinkle this magic reindeer food on your lawn. The magic glitter sparkling in the moonlight, and the smell of oats, will guide Rudolph to your house.

Filed Under: Stepford Crazies

She’s Crafty

December 19, 2006 by Queen of Spain 13 Comments

Whenever I do anything even slightly crafty, I get so excited that I am hopelessly lame. Behold, the recent IM conversation with my husband:

[17:20] JackandHalasMom: and I would just like to say, that I am so FUCKING proud of the bow I made, with my own ribbon, that I bought, all by myself, that I could just pee
[17:20] JackandHalasMom: and if someone doesn’t tell me how beautiful my plate is I will cry
[17:21] AaronatD2: wait…so my choices are you cry or pee yourself? I think peeing yourself would be funnier in the long run.
[17:22] JackandHalasMom: yeah, but since I’ve had kids I pee myself all the time. so that’s really not all that exciting anymore
[17:22] AaronatD2: ew.

…and it doesn’t end there. Oh NO BITCHES! Not only can she make chocolate covered pretzels and put her own bow around it…she can make 13 bags of REINDEER FOOD for her son’s classmates.

Suck on that you giftcard bringing, cell phone yapping, store bought, heartless preschool Moms! How does the mug you picked up at Target for the teacher look now, biznitch! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That’s right. HOMEMADE by the KID and Mom!!!! Top that you WHORE!

Filed Under: Stepford Crazies

Shopping Sucks. The End.

December 19, 2006 by Queen of Spain 3 Comments

I’m the kind of person that finishes her Christmas shopping before Halloween.
Which is why finding myself at Target this morning at 9am, with 7000 other shoppers made me want to kill myself. Right there in the holiday aisle. Dead.
As an added bonus, the Starbuck’s inside the Target was closed. Some crap about some broken machines or something. Yeah. Right. So now there are 7000 uncaffeinated, pissed off shoppers at 9am. Most with non-school aged children still in Pj’s. Mine included. Although Princess Peanut upped everyone by adding her pink monster slippers to the mix instead of regular shoes.
After braving the hell on earth that was a store this close to the holidays, I can only tell you that all you need is http://www.readysetholiday.com. The nice people over there gave me a gift card to make my life easier and guess what? It worked. I got my Dad his gift in all of 20 minutes. Shopped, shipped, and done. Without setting foot in an evil, crowded store.
Normally I’m not a fan of Sears or Kmart, but this time of year, you just can’t go to Pottery Barn for everyone. And as it turns out, they have some really good deals. I like to pretend I can get everyone expensive electronics and all brand name everythings, but who are we kidding here?
If you are stuck for something, they’ve got it all in one place over at www.readysetholiday.com and you won’t have to fight for a cart or walk around aimlessly or spend too much money. OR carry your pink footed, cranky, PJ-wearing toddler while you push a cart through hundreds of other caffeine-needing mothers just trying to grab those few last stocking stuffers and rolls of paper.

I am on the couch nursing a migraine. I blame the shopping. Just do what you need to do online. Shopping sucks. The end.

Filed Under: Royal Pain, Royal Rant

Holiday Card Envy Part II

December 17, 2006 by Queen of Spain 10 Comments

Last year I lamented how my lame holiday card never seems to measure up.

This year, I’m happy to announce we scrubbed the cheetos off the kids, pinned them down to strap on the fine duds, licked their hair into place, and then, apparently, told them Santa was DEAD…

…

Just kidding. We told them Elmo was dead.

Actually, this is from a family photo shoot we took in the wilds of West Virginia. There are others, but you’ll have to pry them from my cold, dead, hands as they include some rather unflattering photos of the Kaiser looking seemingly towards heaven while I puff my cheeks and wrinkle my shirt to see how fat and white I can look.

Our REAL holiday card is so heartmeltingly adorable I can’t show it to you for fear you will implode from the fuzzy pink bunny feelings bursting from your heart.

Filed Under: Royal Sillies, Stepford Crazies

So What Did YOU Do This Weekend?

December 16, 2006 by Queen of Spain 5 Comments

Filed Under: Royal Sillies

He Shares! He Cuts! He Manipulates?

December 15, 2006 by Queen of Spain 12 Comments

An excerpt from my parent-teacher conference at Count Waffle’s Pre-School:

“He’s a very smart boy! Sometimes a little too smart!”

“Too Smart?”

“Well, there are some group games we don’t let him play or the other children won’t have a chance to answer!”

“Oh. Well, that’s good, right?”

“Oh, yes…he answers before the rest of the children and gets it right every time. We just need to give everyone a chance.”

“Ok. That’s great.”

“But we do have some issues with clean up time.”

“Umm. Yeah. We are working on that at home too.”

“Well, his toys will get cleaned up, the problem is he will talk other children into doing it for him.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your son is very good at getting out of working. He will actually convince someone else to do his job for him.”

Which, I guess, means he’s either an evil genius or super lazy, because I have yet to read him Tom Sawyer.

Filed Under: Count Waffles