I may not have succumbed to the hellish marketing ploy that is FLOAM, but I did give in to the omnipresent Chia Pet.
I am weak. My son wanted a Chia Pet and I made sure Santa delivered. A fucking Chia pet.

How bad could it be, I thought? Afterall, it wasn’t Moonsand (did you know it won’t dry out?) and it wasn’t a Bedazzler (although that Tanny or Tawney or whatever the crapass her name is will not be happy with me) and it grows an actual plant. At least, I think it’s an actual plant. Or moss. Or some sort of “Mexican” something that seems to look like the weed they pull out of the cracks in my sidewalk. Anyway, growing stuff is science-ish and that’s a good enough reason for me.

Like I said, I’m weak.

So now that we’re a few days past the main event and all the major toys have been played with over and over again, we’ve busted our Chia pet (the pig version) out of the box for a day of weed growing fun.

Or not.

Turns out you have to soak your Chia for 24 hours in water. Ok, fine. Out comes the tupperware and in goes little piggy and some H2O. I’ve got a disappointed kid, but he got to hold it for a bit and then drop it ever so (not) gently into the bowl.

Day 2 of Chia mania and we’re ready to rock. I dump out the bowl of water (which is now an odd shade of green) and put our Chia pig on a plate. I quickly scan the seed packet and see i need to mix the little balls with water. And then let them soak for another 24 hours.

Shit.

Ok. Ok. So I soak the seeds and explain, yet again, that Mommy wasn’t really paying attention to the days long process that is a Chia planting and we will have to wait to spread the seed-like gel substance tomorrow.

Day 2.5 of Chia mania and I decide the seeds have soaked enough and we’re going get this hog good and coated before I lose any more counter space to this weed monstrosity.

Kid knives and my cheese spreader are taken out of the drawer and we’re off. Count Waffles put all of two globs on the Chia and he was bored. Princess Peanut, on the other hand, is covered in Chia gel and is having the time of her life globbing what can only be described as gray poppy seed jelly on our teracotta piggy. Some go in her mouth. Many are in her hair. And I’m wondering if I call poison control for “mexican moss” ingestion.

While the Count plays with cars on the kitchen floor I clean the table, the child, and the Chia. This crap is stuck to everything. It’s in my wood floor grooves. It’s in the tiny cracks on my table. It’s stuck to the Princess, my leg, the cat.

…but…the asstacular fun that is Chia is now coated and sitting on my counter. And if either child asks me, yet again, when the “flowers will start to grow” it might very well have a Chia-uicide tonight after small people get put to bed.

We’ve already offed the Chia Alarm that came as a “bonus” in the box. It sang the Chi Chi Chi Chheeeeeeeeeeeeaaa song a little too often. It’s battery met an untimely (get it?) and totally “accidental” death late Christmas Day.

I’m not above offing the pig. But if I can smoke the Chia Moss, I might let it stick around.