We didn’t even know your name.

You came into our lives, awkwardly dancing next to that long haired guy. You didn’t seem to sing. Or play an instrument. Or do anything but bounce a little.

Who were you? And where did you go?

Maybe Disney realized you looked pretty retarded just standing next to Ralph. Maybe the rest of the world was just as distracted as I was, not paying attention to Ralph’s songs and simply watching you randomly bounce on stage.

But it no longer matters. You are gone. Either taken out of every video digitally or simply removed from the entire filming process.

Are you sad? Are you sitting in some bar with Melanie from PBS Sprout, drinking scotch and damning the mothers of the world to hell?

Do you have some seedy past Disney just discovered? Or were you stricken with some strange disease, rendering you unable to jump and shake next to Ralph?

Should we send get well letters? Or petition Disney for your return?

Not that you did anything. I mean, you just stood next to Ralph. But whatever.

Come back. Ralph is far too boring and you were the comic relief I needed to get me through yet another viewing of “Lemonade.”

“I would tell them that none of that crap is bullshit. That it’s all real. And it’s all the shit I gotta deal with on a regular basis.”- the Kaiser

That’s what the Kaiser gave me, when I asked him to guest post. I could beg and beg and promise blow job after blow job…but he’s just not going to guest post. It pisses me off, because he’d be really good at it too. We could be all Sweet Juniper about it too, and trade posts. But noooooooooooo. He actually just told me to go to bed, because I’ve had a martini and he’s annoyed with my tipsy blabbering.

Blabber…I want everything….blabber…let’s save the world…blabber…I hate republicans…blabber…make me another martini…blabber….

Which leads me to the story of last night, and the hot monkey sex we were about to have when he said I was “…like the Chinese Government.” Apparently I oppressed him in some manner. I think I covered his mouth to shut up his silly jokes because we were laughing too hard to actually have sex.

Does this only happen in my house? It can’t. I know it doesn’t. I have to go to bed now.