2007

New Years

December 31, 2007 by Queen of Spain 12 Comments

I recently twittered about my ultimate New Year’s Eve…the one I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember- I want to do that whole cold, crowded Times Square in New York thing. Just once.

Odds are I would hate it and find it entirely overrated, but it’s never stopped me from REALLY wanting to go do it. When I was young and single I was too broke. When I was young and un-single I was too broke. When I was married and we had *some* fun money we had to save for a wedding and house, etc.

Then I got pregnant.

Then I was breastfeeding.

Then I got pregnant again.

Then I was breastfeeding again.

Now I’m broke with kids and no babysitter.

So wanting to go to New York for New Year’s Eve is more of a dream than ever. Funny thing is, I really hate the cold and I really hate crowds. I think it’s more of a “GODDAMMIT I WILL DO THIS ONE DAY” because everything in my life keeps getting derailed.

In fact, *I* am derailed. ALL of me.

Mom, interrupted.

Wait, that’s not even right…

Woman, interrupted.

I do everything with interruptions. My life is one big “oh, wait…hang on…what was I doing?”

It’s making me insane (er).

I realize life takes turns and things change. I realize you start off going one way and you get turned around or pushed in a direction you never expected. However, this was the path I *chose* and now I’m complaining. Unsatisfied. Restless.

The entire “spend New Years Eve in NYC” is just this HUGE freaking reminder that my life is on hold. That I chose to raise children and now I really can’t just chuck them to the curb and change my mind. Tempting….but no.

I WILL get there one day. I will stand in the middle of Time’s Square and kiss at midnight and drink champagne and bitch about the freezing weather. I might be 80, but dammit, I WILL get there.

I guess that means I just made a New Year’s resolution. Hmmm. Hold me to it, K?

Filed Under: Stepford Crazies

Young Lady!

December 28, 2007 by Queen of Spain 7 Comments

I say that to my daughter. A lot. I’m not sure where it comes from, or why…but I find myself spewing things like “Now young lady, we don’t do that!” and “Young ladies do NOT hit.”

I could puke.

But then I see stories like this one out of Independence, MO and I about puke again:

“Dozens of girls fought — possibly about a boy — outside a mall on Wednesday, and the brawl ended with mall security officers using pepper spray and police using Taser guns, authorities said.

It happened outside an Applebees at Independence Center and involved about 20 to 30 teenage girls, police said.A mall security officer was injured trying to break up the fight. Police took four females into custody. Two of them were juveniles.”

Now before you go jumping on me about equality or any of that crap…let me explain where I’m going with this…

I expect more from a group of young women. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It’s certainly not PC, but as women actually gain things like the right to fight in combat and blah blah blah…I still expect they don’t act like …well…men.

We’re smarter. We’re better. Except, of course, for my son, who is just as smart and just as good…but the rest of you with a penis are inferior.

I’d like to think we women folk are more evolved. Maybe that’s why I’m harder on my daughter sometimes. I don’t mean to be, I just expect more from her. I expect more from women in general.

Which means I’d rather they not act like frat boys and brawl outside an Applebees.

I also don’t want them sitting around in skirts knitting their man a sweater.

I think I need to go re-enroll in some women’s lit courses or some post-feminism discussion groups. Clearly I have some issues here.

Filed Under: BlogHer, Feeling YaYa, Princess Peanut, Stepford Crazies

Mom Gone Mad

December 26, 2007 by Queen of Spain 36 Comments

So I’m having it out with Dad Gone Mad. I can do that, he’s my friend. So don’t be getting any ideas that we hate each other or something. We’re friends that can agree to disagree and go back and forth and get nasty but still respect each other.

He’s being a big girl and wants Nickelodeon to take Zoey 101 off the air. He’s also against them airing any sort of special on teen pregnancy. Why? I’ll let him tell you:

“There was a report by the Associate Press yesterday that announced Nickelodeon was considering a special program on its air about teen pregnancy. I nearly puked.

Fact: teen pregnancy is real.

Fact: kids need to know what this girl did was stupid, irresponsible, and ruinous.

Fiction: that message should be delivered on a television show.

I went to a state university. I’ve had a mental illness. But this is what I want.

I want Nickelodeon – a channel that markets itself toward children to take a fucking stand.

I want them to announce that they have canceled this show, and I want them to say they did so because their audience is children and Ms. Spears’ behavior does not reflect the image they want those children to see.

I want them to say that parents who wish to speak to their children about this issue can log onto a website where they can find resources and strategies written by professionals.

In my view, that would be the decent thing to do.

I do NOT want this girl to be lambasted, nor do I want to see her mother publicly humiliated. Her daughter is not the only pregnant teenager in America.”

Danny, Danny, Danny. This makes me want to kick you in the nads. Why? Let’s read Erin’s comment in Danny’s post:

“Alright I realize we’ve been around and around on this already..but here goes anyway:

You’re all fucking crazy. Stick your heads in the sand some more and shun 16 year olds for irresponsible sex. Oh, wait…it’s the 16 year old GIRL we’re shunning. Nice message asshats.

So you’re fine with Bratz commercials because HEY, that’s just subliminal. Yet when they offer to tackle the subject with discretion and age appropriateness you get all up in arms? What the hell? If the sex is there already, subliminal or otherwise, why are you letting them watch Nick NOW?

And what, exactly, is a 6-year old doing watching that anyway? I mean…last I checked her character wasn’t knocked up and talking about this. And if Nick addresses it, turn it the hell off if you don’t want them to see it.

I applaud Nick for at least trying here. Will they get it right? I have no idea. And as a parent it’s your duty to prescreen or shut it off if you don’t like it. Do I think they should air or not air a special? I’m not sure. Depends on how, when, etc. Again, at least they are *thinking* about how to deal with it. You just want it swept under the rug instead of having a *gasp* talk with your kids. Be a parent, teach them things in an age appropriate manner or don’t let them watch tv or go outside or see the world, period.

Your job is to guide and protect, and the last I checked sex wasn’t something anyone needed protection from, just education ON. It’s not evil and it’s not bad and it’s not WRONG.

BTW, you can’t fire a woman for being pregnant, it’s against the law.

My kids are 4.5 and 2.5 and there is no mystery about babies or sex and they are STILL KIDS.
You people need to get the stick out of your asses.”

Furthermore: Let your preschooler and or elementary schooler watch High School Musical or Zoey 101 or some other teen/tween show and you get what you ask for. You get Bratz commercials and innuendo. You get the possibility they will pick up on something YOU are not ready to address. This is YOUR fault. Not Jamie Lynn Spears OR Nickelodeon.

Treat sex like some ticking time bomb and it will be just that in your house. Some unspoken, totally mysterious, ticking time bomb. My preschoolers ask and get answers. “Yes, Mommy’s have babies in their bellies, yes, a man helped make the baby with his penis.” Not totally scientific but also not crazy inappropriate for their age.

…and ANOTHER thing. Zoey 101 is done. It’s over. It’s been filmed. JLS isn’t acting on it pregnant. She’s not pregnant in the story line. She’s not even talking about being pregnant. She’s pregnant in real life. She’s not filming pregnant. She’s not flaunting her teenage mistake in front of your 6-year old who shouldn’t be watching that freaking show anyway. On the show she’s the same character addressing the same issues as she always did. And what about re-runs? Or those now invalid because the star got in trouble OFF screen?

Just curious, did you pull HSM from the DVD bin when what’s her name’s naked pics came out?

I’m thinking of voices in animated cartoons I watch…man, some of those actors really fuck themselves up off camera. Alex the Lion? (Ben Stiller) Dori?(Ellen) Lightening McQueen? (Luke Owen Wilson) I mean just right there you’ll need to talk about dirty jokes, lesbianism, and suicide with your kids. And that’s just off the top of my head.

I think your anger is displaced and you need to get over sex issues and discuss things with your children if and when they ask. Don’t be afraid. It’s going to be oooookkkkkk.

Nickelodeon doesn’t need to send any messages. To anyone. They are not responsible for your kids. They make tv shows for children and tweens and teens. If you don’t like what they make, turn off your goddamn television.

But Danny knows I love him. And hot wife. And wonder sis. And I’m guessing he’s going to email me and yell at me in about 5…4….3…2…. but hopefully I made him think, just a little.

Filed Under: BLOW JOB DAY!, Holding Court, Royal Rant

When it comes down to it

December 25, 2007 by Queen of Spain 9 Comments

..I’m totally traditional. Shhhhhhhhhhhh don’t tell anyone, it will totally ruin my street cred.

I’m sitting here after having feasted this Christmas, wine in hand, reflecting on what a total, traditional, happy homemaker I am.

Every year we have kielbasa from Detroit because that is just what you do on Christmas Eve.

I actually buy “Santa” paper just like my mother did before me, so all the Santa gifts have their own distinct Santa face.

We open stockings first, until adults are alive and the coffee is at least dripping.

After the chaos, left-over kielbasa and eggs for breakfast.

(mentally noting it’s always about the food)

None of these may seems like really big deals, but to me…they are HUGE. I can’t decide if that is WEIRD or completely against my nature. I mean, I’m the one who left my hometown. I was always weird. I was always the one who never fit in and always wanted OUT.

Yet I’m the one who gave both my children family names and continue traditions that have been practiced since I was born.

I don’t get it.

I mean, I spend a lot of time fighting against conforming. Well, I do and I don’t. It’s just that I was lucky. I had a warm and fuzzy and happy childhood and I want my kids to have the same.

I was never an angsty non-conformist. I was a happy non-conformist. I always did things differently and I was lucky to have parents that told me “that’s great!” In fact, I distinctly remember trying to come up with one single word to describe me for my Confirmation in 8th grade and my Dad telling me to write “Independent.”

So when I find myself screaming and yelling about politics or parenting or anything in between, it feels very natural. When I find myself DEMANDING we ship kielbasa from Detroit to Los Angeles, regardless of cost, I scratch my head a bit.

Of course this is just one part of my life. There are many other parts that would probably melt your brain they are so very NON traditional. Yet the constants…the things that never change, are as traditional as they come.

I’m embracing it, that’s for sure. As I get older I’m taking more and more pleasure in sharing those warm fuzzies with my own children. With settling into this life with a sprinkle of my mother and her mother and my grandmother’s ways in my kitchen and my home and my mind.

Maybe that’s how we all do it…take the good and rant against the bad. This Christmas I’m thankful the good I keep is in my home and in my heart. The bad I scream and yell and fight about almost always is on tv or in a newspaper or somewhere ‘else’ out there in the big wide world.

“Independent” still fits though, even if I’m currently freezing kielbasa and doing dishes.

Filed Under: Merry Merry, Royal Kinfolk, Stepford Crazies

2 Days Until Christmas, in case you didn’t know

December 23, 2007 by Queen of Spain 11 Comments

2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas! 2 days until Christmas!!!!!

I’ve heard that about 50 times and we just woke up about 4 minutes ago.

I love having children in the throws of the “Santa ages” of childhood but HolyMaryMotherofGAWD I’m pretty sure my son’s head is going to EXPLODE before he’ll ever wake up Tuesday morning.

He’s obsessed. He’s also truly, and honestly, to his toes worried Santa won’t bring him something because he’s been bad.Yeah, cue the “awwwwwwwwww.” I mean, I only torture him like any other good American parent would. “Santa is watching, don’t you dare hit your sister.” “Santa heard that lie Count Waffles and I’m pretty sure you’re on the naughty list.”

With panic in his eyes before bed last night he actually asked me if *I* thought he had been good enough to warrant a gift from St. Nick. “Oh honey, I’m sure you’re just fine…don’t worry,” I said immediately regretting it if only for the pure leverage it’s given me these past few weeks.

Terrible, I know. He’s 4.5 though, he’s in trouble all the damn time.

When I was a kid we had the house on Christmas morning where everyone was up before dawn and my parents made us lay there awake and wait for the sun. It was unlike any torture known to man. I would call it worse than waterboaring.

My brother and I would be in our beds, flat on our backs, with eyes as wide as saucers and stare at the ceiling until my Mom or Dad would say, “Ok.” We’d throw our blankets off and race downstairs as fast as our tiny feet could go.

It’s 2 days before Christmas and my son is awake a good 2 hours earlier than usual bouncing off the walls. It’s like he’s had 6 cups of coffee. Like he’s got Santa fever and the only cure is more jingle bells.

He’s an addict and I don’t think any of us are sleeping until he crashes in a pile of unwrapped presents in about 48 hours.

I think the excitement and joy of this age is one thing, the sheer insanity and uberhyper activity was something entirely lost on my parent brain until about a week ago when he began to twitch.

I guess many of you may lecture me about hyping this holiday and it being all about toys and gifts and gimme gimme gimme. In all fairness, you’re an idiot. I haven’t done anything more or less than most parents do this time of year and we’ve had plenty of talks about giving and kindness and gifts not being important.

That being said he’s just shy of 5-years old and the boy believes. He believes some magic, white-bearded guy is bringing him toys. The holy grail of childhood. For one day a year he gets to have a candy and cookie laced toy-fest and the only thing stopping him is his ability to whack his sister on the head with a balloon and piss off Mom with his lazy cleaning skills. He believes, and it’s freaking magic people. It’s that warm, fuzzy magic that only comes when you’re a kid and Santa is coming. The entirely pure and innocent joy.

As a parent I’ve actually thought long and hard about this whole thing (why yes, as a matter of fact, I do think long and hard about my parenting decisions) and I’m totally fine with it. There are only so many years of Santa belief and I don’t really give a damn if that makes you think I’m spoiling my child or teaching him the wrong lesson. There are only so many years of pure magic on Christmas morning when you wake to find gifts have just appeared under your tree. There are only so many years when you can’t sleep from excitement and wait and wonder with hope and some panic if that one special thing is waiting there for you on that one special morning.

It will all be gone faster than a blink and he and I are going to enjoy every insomniac moment of it, dammit.

In fact, I’m letting him have Christmas cookies for breakfast while we wrap gifts. Then, with any luck, he’ll crash from the sugar high and I can get some sleep.

Filed Under: Count Waffles, kill me now, Merry Merry, Stepford Crazies

Boobs On Ice

December 20, 2007 by Queen of Spain 4 Comments

My Friend Susan is undergoing breast cancer surgery Friday. For those who don’t know Susan she’s Second Life and Twitter’s resident Nana. That’s right, Susan keeps my mouth in check.

This isn’t our first brush with Second Life and cancer. Some of you might notice the WHY MOMMY badge in my sidebar over there. I’m proud BlogHer brought their conference onto Second Life because WHY MOMMY got to participate while she continued her fight.

As for Susan, some of you may have heard the story that she used a frozen pea ice pack to comfort her owies during the first days of testing and diagnosis. It started very simply, with friends on twitter changing their little icons to reflect a “peas” theme. So now we’re all showing our support for her, one way or another, and I’d be pea-sed if you’d join me:

Filed Under: Feeling YaYa, Queen's Photrade

I Feel Bad For Lynne Spears

December 19, 2007 by Queen of Spain 27 Comments

Maybe I’m having a weak moment. I don’t know, but everyone is slamming this woman now that we all know her 16-year old (ala Zoey 101’s) Jamie Lynne Spears is knocked up.

They film that up here by me. The Spears contingent is in town a lot.

The Mom of Britney and Jamie Lynne is being torn to shreds because it would appear both her little darlings are total fuck-ups. Ouch. Ok, so Lynne was in the midst of writing a parenting book, and apparently the publisher is known for “inspirational books and Bibles”- so you know there won’t be any 16-year olds heading to Planned Parenthood in this family.

As I sit here today and watch everyone on daytime tv slam the Mom, and around the blogosphere, etc. I’m wondering at what point we get to be upset with Britney and Jamie Lynne. Sure, 16 is young…crazy young-but not unheard of in 2007. My Mom was pregnant with me at 18. Go on over and talk to Kelly (aka Mocha Momma) about teen pregnancy.

Let’s add in these are two celebrity kids. Drug use and criminal activity is one thing, but your daughters procreating like bunnies, while not exactly responsible, isn’t really the end of the world here.

I’m by no means absolving parents of responsibility here. I just wonder how much we really know about Lynne Spears and her parenting tactics. The bottom line is: we don’t know shit. She might be the total church-going, supportive, doing-the-best-she-can kinda mom.

I don’t know about you, but I was having sex by 16. Something CERTAINLY could have happened. I can’t say my parents didn’t teach me all the things I needed to know and I didn’t have a solid foundation when it came to sex and responsibility. No excuses there. They told me. I knew.

Birth control still could have failed. I could have had a ‘moment’ of passionate irresponsibility. We alllllllllllllll could have.

So while I’m not ready to pat Lynne on the back and tell her “hey, good job!” I’m certainly not going to bitch like some crows circling overhead. We’re all Moms here. We’ve all fucked up. We’ve also all had sex, and sometimes rather irresponsibility.

Yeah, I feel bad for Lynne Spears. I hope everything works out, because her daughter is going to need support and that family needs to be stronger than it appears splashed all over the rags at the grocery store.

Frankly I’m finding all the blog laughing and pointing fingers and being snarky about a 16-year old getting pregnant rather high school. It’s the holidays after all, and I don’t care WHO this family is or HOW much money they have, babies are never easy. They aren’t easy for me under the best of circumstances at 33-years-old and certainly can’t be easy for a teenage.

Keep shaking your heads and making your jokes if you want, personally I think you need to shut up and grow up.

Filed Under: Holding Court, Royal Rant, Stepford Crazies

Follow Queen Around the Web…and eat

December 18, 2007 by Queen of Spain 8 Comments

As many of you know I’m Photrade.com’s Evangelist and Blogging Consultant. That means I’m working for a start-up and learning about all sorts of fun things like…um…start-ups. Now, we’re in Beta, invite only. That means you need to be invited to test our beta. (I’m not explaining this because I think you’re dumb, I’m explaining because before I started doing all this, someone had to explain it to me.)

So while I love me some social media, I was unwise in the ways of the start-up, unless you count BlogHer...but you get what I mean. Sure I am in Second Life and jump around the web, but I never really grabbed onto and found myself cheering for a start-up like I do Photrade….but you guys know that….and I just said “cheering” but it’s 2am and I take no responsibility for myself right now…

Right around the time I started really getting to know and love the ways of a web start up, I began to Twitter. Of course I was on FaceBook until they sucked, brought the tit brigade to Myspace and tend to dabble on blogs all over the damn place.

Enter my two new toys- Utterz and Seesmic. Now, some of you have heard (or is it ‘herd’) me Utter over on Twitter. Basically you can phone in a tweet. Or a blog post. Or just an Utter that can post at Utterz. I love it. I can tweet and post while no where near my computer. I also got to meet Sim from Utterz at Blog World Expo in Vegas and we bonded over cow tits and lemondrops (I’m not kidding) and I can’t wait to see what they have in store.

I’m new to Seesmic and am still confused, but blaming it on my noobieness. The idea is to auto-video post (I think) to twitter or wherever and to have a “conversation” with those people you are seesmic-ing with…I think. Either way…all of this came in handy today while I made about 14 dozen cookies for many of you….

I Twittered how I was making cookies…who wants some? I got my invite to Seesmic (they are an “alpha” site-don’t ask me what the hell that means other than it comes before my Photrade baby’s Beta) and then I did some Seesmic’s on the cookie ( or ‘twookies’ as I dubbed them) progress.

I used Photrade to document the fun.

I Uttered for good measure.

…and TADA!…a blog post on my twookie mania in multi-media goodness. Or badness if you were hoping for porn.

Filed Under: Queen's Photrade