Which means this really should not be a contest.
Puddles of Mud
April 11, 2007 by 13 Comments
I’ve been accused of blogging (or playing on second life) too much, while my children light mattresses on fire.
I’ve been accused of NOT paying attention while they say three MILLION TIMES “Mommy watch me! Mommy watch me! Mommy watch MEEEEEEE!!!!”
While I will not indulge you with the details of how I may not exactly qualify for the mother-of-the-year in 2007, I will tell you I had TWO eyes on them and engaged when both of my children did exactly what I told them to and stopped playing in the sprinklers.
Of course I assumed, as I saw the backs of their heads move up and down, that they were playing with sidewalk chalk on my patio…but they were giggling and laughing out loud and seemingly doing what I asked…NOT getting wet in the sprinklers.
When I stopped watching out the kitchen window and stepped outside to see their works of art on the concrete, I was a little…um…well…you tell me…
Blogher Pride
April 9, 2007 by 4 Comments
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
There is nothing like waking up to your kick ass sisters-in-arms making national headlines.
Blogher ’07 is in Chicago…see you there.
HAHAHA
April 7, 2007 by 5 Comments
Come on over to the Huffington Post today and point and laugh with me.
My Hippo Ass, part 3
April 6, 2007 by 22 Comments
Once again it’s come to my attention I am STILL carrying the baby weight from Princess Peanut. Once again I am determined to do something about it. And once again, I have no doubt, I will fail miserably.
The weight from Count Waffles came off so much easier. Sure, I actually worked at it…but it DID fall off once I got going.
This time…um…not so much. There seems to be some sort of unwritten rule that your ass and stomach are NOT allowed to shrink after more than one child. One..sure, you can get your body back…two…forget it.
I could blame my stupid thyroid medication. I could blame that horrible Paxil that seems to keep me sane yet sends one bite of cake directly to my thighs. But who are we kidding…
I’m going to the gym.(**edit by way of Kaiser calling me out: I go to the gym occasionally and NOT on a regular basis) I’m not eating horrible. It’s not all salads and fat free rice cakes around here, but I’m not eating ice cream at midnight either. The baby weight just is NOT coming off. Can I even call it baby weight after 2 years? Is there some sort of rule, that after the baby is a year old, it’s officially YOUR fat?
All I know is, I walked in Santa Monica yesterday and felt like the frumpiest, fattest, most unsexy mother in California…who had trouble finding anything that fit in those great stores.
I am normally NOT some one who has self confidence issues…but lately, WOW…I think I’m willing to discuss plastic surgery, drugs, whatever. If only I could come up with a way to finance it…hmm….
I’m so tired of this. So tired of trying to get the weight off. So tired of caring. So very freaking tired of wondering when, if ever, I will get my body back. So tired of wondering when I will be able to get that super cute dress over my hips. So. Very. TIRED.
I’m in such a crappy mood over this…and I would LOVE to hear how you got your baby weight off. Because I totally give up.
Bad Mommy, No Coffee
April 3, 2007 by 13 Comments
So I may or may not have just taught my son how to throw soft objects into the blades of a moving ceiling fan.
I got a very stern look from the Kaiser. This is the man who taught the boy to say “smell the love” after a fart…and he’s giving me a stern look.
Projectile stuffed animals and soft balls are so much more acceptable than “smell the love.”
How Desperate is YOUR innerHousewife?
April 2, 2007 by 34 Comments
The Kaiser and I are freaks. Anyone who knows us, knows we’re not normal, average, or otherwise. Yes, I’m talking sexually, so all family can close this page right now…it’s going to get very graphic.
Ahem…
I’m curious, though. I have this feeling we’re not the only freaks around. My neighbors have yet to come over for a cup of sugar and a blow job, but you get my meaning here. I want to know about your sexlife. Come on, you know this is a safe place. No one will know if you leave me a comment. I just need to know that the Kaiser and I are not the only ones out there.
Let me be more specific: We’re not going to donkey shows in Tijuana or anything…but lately we’re talking threesomes and one night stands and anything and everything under the sun. Whatever turns us both on, and whatever we are both comfortable with. And yeah, we’re comfortable with A LOT.
Ok, stop judging me right now. We’re having fun. Remember fun? When sex was more than something you did once a week if you weren’t tired from the laundry and dishes and carpool trips. When sex was more than…how quick can we undress and do it before a child screams because the DVD is skipping downstairs. When sex was exciting and heart-pounding and really, really hot.
We’re older, we’re more responsible, and we’re not afraid to experiment. The kids are older, capable of sleeping all night, and babysitters can sure as hell come over so we can go out. Sure I’ve no longer got the body of a 19-year old. And I have no doubt my stretch marks are just SUCH a freaking turn on…but at least I’m putting it out there.
Go give your man a blow job. Ask him what he thinks about you bringing home another girl…maybe even use one of those stupid princess tutu’s we all have in the toy chest to tie him to your bed. Go find a DVD that you KNOW does not skip…or call a babysitter. Hell, call a babysitter and go fuck in the back of your minivan.
If you are REALLY feeling it, take a lover. How hot is your mailman?
You know you want too.
Then come back and tell me-because I KNOW we’re not alone.
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