I just returned from a business trip to find that my soon-to-be 4-year old daughter was entertaining a large group of boys at McDonald’s Playland….by lifting her dress and showing them her underwear.
Do I have to wear a large Scarlett F on my shirt now? Parenting FAIL?
I’m now concerned she’ll grow up to be a stripper …or worse. She’ll grow up to be like her mother.
>
It’s happened.
My kids finally figured out their parts were different and they now giggle about it.
My son doesn’t want anyone looking at him when he pees. My daughter thinks it’s hilarious to bust in on her brother and yell “I see your PENIS!”
…and both my kids ADORE being in their underwear, sticking out their butts, and shaking it all while singing “Shake my bottom, YEAH!”
Last night I gave them separate baths. Soon, it will have to be separate bedrooms.
and I would now like to mourn and cry.
Join me, won’t you?
I realize we’ve already given Thanks and the time has come and gone for me to rattle off all the people and things I love in my life. So rather than cross that fine line between GREAT, comforting, yummy Holiday leftovers and lead-in-pit-of-stomach, one-day-too-late-to-eat leftovers, my Holiday leftovers consist of change.
(oh god, that change word again…is she going to talk politics? please no please no)
A seismic shift has occurred in our house, and it needs to be recognized.
Despite years of loathing, jealousy, and full-on contempt, my son now adores and protects his little sister.
Yes, it’s a holiday miracle. Yes, I am thrilled he comes to her defense. Yes, I realize this is normal sibling stuff.
However (and this is a big however) it’s getting annoying.
I find myself walking a very fine-line between “it’s so wonderful to see you sticking up for your sister” and “don’t you DARE challenge ME the MOM while I rightfully punish your sister.”
Yes, he is protecting her so very much he’s actually attempting to justify his baby sister’s indiscretions to the parental units.
Mom she’s just having a bad day, she didn’t really mean to throw that lego
Mom don’t yell at her, she will say she’s sorry for hitting you with her pony
Mom I told her it was ok so please don’t be mad at her
It also seems, just like the other males in this house, my little guy has some sort of dagger-through-heart reaction whenever my darling daughter cries.
Which means he attempts to avoid it at all costs. He will give her that toy she’s wanting. He will go get her a juice. He will even give up the toy he’s playing with in order to keep the peace.
It’s gotten so bad my 3-year old now totally plays her brother by fake crying, just to get her way.
Now, I look at this from a few different angles. One is that I’m thrilled my son no longer views her as the enemy. Two is that he is so very compassionate. Three is a bit more concerning to me…she’s totally using her feminine ways to exploit every male in this house from her brother to her uncle to her Dad.
Say it with me…OY VEY.
I realize this will probably serve her well later in life, but I’m torn between cutting it off now or helping her hone and better control her female gifts. I mean…do I put my foot down…or have her use this power to get us both a puppy? Do I make her stop using and abusing men or teach her that if she tilts her head just a bit and drops her lip just one more notch she could probably ALSO get a pony?
Change. Yes, it’s here.
We interviewed nanny’s this weekend. A hellish task for me since I currently believe the entire world is incapable of caring for my children. That includes their father.
Of course, most everyone cares for them better than I do, head usually buried in my laptop and with little patience for things like play dough…but that doesn’t stop me from judging everyone incompetent in their babysitting ways.
To know me is to love me.
Anyway.
The great Nanny inquisition of Fall 2008 was underway this weekend as a totally unqualified 19-year old sweetly came into the home and turned my 5-year old to a puddle of goo.
He gazed at her. He giggled at her. He had the goofiest grin on his face and this absent stare about him that I nearly kicked her out right then and there. Instead we finished the interview and she politely left. Then my kindergartner pretty much walked around the house with those hearts and birds circling his head for the rest of the day.
Now I’m sitting here looking at our final candidates, with credentials that span from nanny schools in London to teaching credentials and there’s my son, grinning and giggling over the least qualified of the bunch and swearing to me she’d be the “BEST BABYSITTER EVER, MOMMY.”
I’m dying to make some obvious Sarah Palin comparisons here, but I’m going to try and keep it all in check until Thursday night and the VP debate of the century. I’m also going to be happy that I will have a new nanny by then. One that will no doubt be OVER-qualified for watching two kids and not just a pretty face.
If you live in Southern California, I highly encourage you to join the debate watch party where we will be eating, drinking, and critiquing every single move Biden and Palin make.
Register here to join myself and some fabulous bloggers!
They keep talking about it.
How to do it.
When to do it.
Who should do it.
If they are doing it right.
I’m going to make this very simple.
I’m not going to mince words.
I am not going to say this again:
Much like in blogging, content is king (or queen). If your content sucks, no one will read you. If the product or service you are pitching me sucks, I’m not talking about it.
Be personal in your approach, be generous with the free shit, even be my friend.
But if the product you are hocking blows-I’m either making fun of it or I am ignoring it.
Even the expensive free stuff won’t help you (see: Johnson and Johnson Camp Baby) and even the continued effort to ‘be my friend’ won’t save you if you
a)suck
or
b)have a sucky product
or
c)try and take me for a sucker with your sucky product and fake friendship.
Let it be known here and now: I am not stupid. Please stop assuming I am.
This is not rocket science. It really is not. I have no idea why this is a huge deal in your life. I have no idea why you keep going over this again and again and again.
Debate for hours on end which is the right way to do it. Debate for months on end if PR needs to change.
I don’t really fucking care.
Successful pitches for ME have done it MY way, not yours and their product or service was actually WORTH talking about.
I may not have the same rules as the blog next door.
I may not even stick to my own rules all the time.
Not fair? Too fucking bad. I am not a traditional business. I am a blogger. I am a blogger with an opinion who knows her mouth and her ‘reach’ and her voice is valuable.
YOU taught me that.
Sucker.
So send me your press releases and send me your products and stick to the old way or stick to the new way.
I don’t really fucking care.
If you suck, I’m not talking about you.
THE END.
*if you continue to need reference on how to do it right, see ‘The Business of Mommyblogging’ or go back to school, because obviously this is all way too complicated for you. Maybe you should think about selling cars instead. Perhaps a nice career in dentistry. Or you really might like working as my bitch. I have an opening if you want to apply.
I was on the phone today when a friend asked me if I saw crazy Ann Coulter’s latest ploy at media whoring. In all honesty I had not seen whatever asinine thing she muttered because I have been busy, and really she does not rate me raising my eyebrow anymore.
The conversation on my end went like this:
‘Ugh. Her. What this time?’
‘Uh huh’
‘Uh huh’
‘CNN has lost all credibility.’
‘Did she really say LYNCHING?’
At which point my son said ‘Mom what is lynching?’
I froze, told my friend to hang on a second and then said,
‘Honey Mommy is on the phone, use your phone manners please’
and then went through 300 possibilities in my head on exactly how to explain lynching to a 5-year old.
My little one went about his car zooming business in the kitchen and I kept talking on the phone.
‘Who?’
‘Oh, the Fox guy?’
‘a Yummy Lesbian? Figures’
Mr. Big Ears didn’t miss a beat,
‘Mom-what’s a lesbian?‘
‘uhhhhh’ I stuttered…now mind you I have no problem explaining ‘gay and lesbian’ to my son at all-but my mind was still reeling from having dodged (like an idiot) the lynching question.
‘sometime when girls marry other girls (ok, that’s a stretch) and boys like other boys people say they are gay and lesbian’
Holy crap what a horrible explanation!
No idea why I said ‘marry’ when I am all for living in sin -other than the issue of gay marriage has been weighing heavily on me as it’s one of the only things I’m unhappy with Senator Obama about…and why I switched to ‘boys like other boys’ is entirely beyond me too.
So later after hanging up the phone and watching some Tom & Jerry I thought I would approach the subjects again and attempt to redeem myself,
‘Honey remember earlier when you asked me what ‘lesbian’ meant and what ‘lynching’ meant?’
‘Mom look at this cool wheel I made-what if I shoot it like a rocket outside on the grass….’
…and he ran out the back door to play in the yard.
I suck.
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