The Post My MOTHER Can NOT Read (part one)

Or her friends. Or the rest of my family. So go away.

Ok, is it just US now? Good.

Ladies,

I love you. I love you all in ways I can’t even describe. I think you are all amazing and smart and beautiful and blah blah blah blah.

Here is the deal. I KNOW you’ve heard the rumors. Don’t act all coy, there has been talk and I am now here to set you all straight:

I’ve been talking with your husbands.

Don’t freak out, but for some reason they all seem to come to me to chat. I’m like that naughty big sister they can ask their really embarrassing questions too and I’ll give them honest answers. I have no idea how I gained the “Let’s ask Queen” status, I’m guessing it’s the flashing of my tits, but whatever it is they seem to find the courage to talk with me about things they are totally and utterly afraid to discuss with you. I’m picturing them all in a huddle, muttering together, and pushing ONE to the front to ask me something…you? Anyway…

Don’t be mad. They’d rather talk to you, trust me. They would also rather NOT talk to me…but really want to get some things off their chests and do their best to figure you women out. This is their little way of doing something for you. No. Really. I know its hard to believe, but they come to me because they want to be closer to you. They want to get inside your head. Woo you. Romance you.
Ok, that’s all bullshit.

Really, they want you to swallow, and somewhere along the lines I became Queen of Blow Jobs and now they all flock to me to try and find a way to get YOU to take their cocks deep into your throat and let them go crazy.

Everyone just take a deep breathe there. I know that last sentence was difficult. It’s ok. Stay with me…breathe…

Let’s talk basics. If you are a partner who gives your man the occasional or frequent oral pleasure we need to discuss how you “finish.” We also need to discuss this epidemic of you jacking him off and licking his tip and calling it a “blow job” but we’ll save that for another post. Sure we all have our fetishes and our own “way” of doing things. No one should ever do anything they don’t want to do and no one should do something that doesn’t bring them pleasure…but let’s get real here…the experience of oral is also the ending…sucking and licking only to end with your hand is a let down. I know. I know. Sad, but true.

The men though, they have let me in on a little secret. “Swallow” is the term most used, but I have it on good authority so long as it ends in your mouth you don’t actually need to GULP…it’s the location more than anything. The consistency, as it were. Takes it up to 11, if you know what I mean. Now personally I don’t have any issues with swallowing (you are all shocked I know) but some of you may have some gag issues and some ICK factor going on. Normal. Totally normal. Not your thing. I get it…but can I ask…and don’t kill me here…not your thing because you’ve tried and just think its gross or not your thing because just the thought seems disgusting? I’m just asking…because, you know, we say to the kids all the time “as least try it first…”

Ok, ok, how about some practical ways to tackle this: Might I offer the advice of trying different angles? Not straight on…but with him on his side and you sliding down on your side? Or him OVER you in a 69 so you get some fun too, which might make you forget about the whole gag/gross thing? You’d be amazed what you suddenly can do, or not mind doing, while he’s making you moan…

Try it.

Now you might be saying to me right now..”he’s just lucky he’s getting ANY,” and yes…this is true. These husbands and boyfriends and partners should NOT be picky about the quality…or should they?

I mean, I know as well as you do that when I want something I expect my partner get to it and do it RIGHT. I’m rather demanding that way, and not just when it comes to sex. Of course there may not be a right or wrong way to get someone off, but I’ll be damned if a whole lot of your husbands would like to see a bit more “effort” on your part.

Yes, I’m tired too..and yes, they are selfish bastards…but if we’re going to go through with getting them snoring in 2.4 minutes then let’s do it with some GUSTO! Enough of my cheerleading and rah rah blow your husbands…let’s get back to what they say…

…after “swallow” on their list of fun stuff..are you ready to hear what else they want? Do you care? Because there is more…and I feel it’s my duty to tell you all, because their whining is getting overwhelming and I finally need to just break down and talk about it.

If it makes you feel any better I make them “listen” and “help” you in return. Don’t worry, I’m representing for you too. Those flowers you got last week? All me. That new little nighty? Yea, me too. He might have even offered to take the kids while you got an uninterrupted bubble bath, thank me later.

We can get more practical “technique” or I can dish more on what they tell me they like and want..or both, your call. Either way I’m here and I’m ready to spill.

Oh, you can breathe again…go ahead, I’m done now.

I’m a Busy Bee…

I tend to keep busy. Sort of. I’m a very good at uberlaziness and total chaos deadline insanity. The end results are usually amazing and my “little” projects tend to keep me nice and sane while two preschoolers run around me throwing Cheerios and reciting Spongebob jokes.

That being said I’ll be involved in a new project launching over at blogher.com next month, and I’ve been very busy helping out my friend Andrew at Photrade.com. I have to tell you guys…I love the site and the idea behind it, not to mention I puffy heart Andrew and Krista and really want them to succeed.

I’ve got three invites to be part of the beta Photrade.com site and will happily give them to the first three bloggers asking in my comments!

***updated*** keep asking in the comments if you want one…you never know what sort of miracles I can pull off. 😉 No promises…but….maybe…

Welcome Photrade!

Blog Action Day

Today is Blog Action Day, the one day a year we all try and talk about the same issue: the environment.

Bloggers Unite - Blog Action Day

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to post…what to post-but it’s actually very simple.

I want clean air for my children. In particular, I want clean air for my son and his allergy-induced asthma. From Blog Action Day, here is a list of charities and resources to help combat pollution:

Below you will find details of the four officially supported charities for Blog Action Day 2007 – the Environment. If you decide to donate your day’s earnings, you will find donation details below, however you are free to choose a different charity from those below.

Greenpeace International
Greenpeace is an independent global campaigning organisation that acts to change attitudes and behaviour, to protect and conserve the environment and to promote peace by:

* Catalysing an energy revolution to address the number one threat facing our planet: climate change.
* Defending our oceans by challenging wasteful and destructive fishing, and creating a global network of marine reserves.
* Protecting the world’s ancient forests and the animal, plants and people that depend on them.
* Working for disarmament and peace by tackling the causes of conflict and calling for the elimination of all nuclear weapons.
* Creating a toxic free future with safer alternatives to hazardous chemicals in today’s products and manufacturing.
* Campaigning for sustainable agriculture by rejecting genetically engineered organisms, protecting biodiversity and encouraging socially responsible farming.

Why we chose Greenpeace
Perhaps the best-known environmental organization in the world, the public both knows and trusts Greenpeace.

www.greenpeace.org/international/
Donate online

The Nature Conservancy

The Nature Conservancy is a leading conservation organization working around the world to protect ecologically important lands and waters for nature and people by:

* Slowing the rate of global warming and finding viable options for the Earth’s natural diversity, human communities and economic investments to survive its inevitable impacts;
* Linking innovative land and sea conservation strategies to improve survival of our coasts and oceans now and for future generations;
* Advancing responsible forest management practices, high-impact conservation transactions and public policies that protect, restore and manage the world’s forests, including rainforests in South America and Asia.
* Building freshwater conservation approaches and policies so that human needs for water can be met while sustaining healthy freshwater ecosystems;
* Developing solutions that allow fire to play a role in places where it benefits nature, and keep fire out of places where it is destructive; and
* Stopping the threat to Earth’s diversity posed by invasive non-native plants, animals, and diseases through a combination of prevention, early detection, eradication, restoration, research and outreach.

Why we chose The Nature Conservancy
The Nature Conservancy conserves the Earth’s ecologically important lands and waters in local places across all 50 U.S. states and in more than 30 countries all around the world. The Conservancy focuses on creating lasting, tangible results by using the best possible science — the Conservancy employs over 700 conservation scientists who do daily work in lands and waters worldwide to create conservation solutions that benefit both nature and people.

The Conservancy is non-confrontational and works respectfully and collaboratively with all sectors of society to achieve meaningful conservation results. By showing that tangible, large-scale conservation results can be delivered, the Conservancy provides hope that the Earth’s special places can be restored and preserved for future generations.

www.nature.org
Donate online

National Wildlife Federation (NWF)
National Wildlife Federation inspires Americans to protect wildlife for our children’s future.

What do wolves, salmon, panthers, bison, whooping cranes, waterfowl, polar bears and other creatures big and small have in common? They have the National Wildlife Federation as their champion.

“We helped return wolves to Yellowstone National Park.
We are guiding efforts to protect the places endangered whooping cranes, grizzly bears and Florida panthers call home.
We defend America’s safeguards and safe-havens for wildlife.
We build consensus-based solutions for wildlife where we can. We take the case for wildlife to courts when we must.
We represent wildlife everywhere, from Congress and the White House to the fields and streams of America’s wilderness and beyond.
We confront the threats of global warming and seek solutions to reduce the impact on people and wildlife.”

Why we chose NWF
Among large environmental organizations, NWF does the best job of responsibly spending its supporters’ money, according to SmartMoney magazine. NWF was honored for spending nearly 90 cents of every dollar it receives directly on educating, inspiring and assisting people to conserve and restore wildlife and wild places.

www.nwf.org
Donate online

The Sierra Club
The Sierra Club Foundation is a public charity whose mission is to provide financial support to the Sierra Club and other environmental organizations for tax deductible work. “We fund a range of environmental projects which fall into the three general categories of public education, litigation, and training.” The Sierra Club Foundation does not accept unsolicited proposals.

Why we chose The Sierra Club
Along with Greenpeace, the Sierra Club is a widely recognized and trusted charity with a long history of work in the environmental field.

www.sierraclub.org/foundation
Donate online

The Conservation Fund
The Conservation Fund is the nation’s foremost environmental nonprofit dedicated to protecting America’s land and water legacy for current and future generations. Seeking innovative conservation solutions for the 21st century, the Fund works to integrate economic and environmental goals. Since its founding in 1985, the Fund has helped its partners safeguard wildlife habitat, working landscapes, community “greenspace,” and historic sites totaling nearly 6 million acres. With 1% fund raising costs and 97% program allocation, The Conservation Fund is recognized as the nation’s top rated environmental nonprofit by both the American Institute of Philanthropy and Charity Navigator.

Why we chose The Conservation Fund
The Conservation Fund, with its 1 percent fundraising costs and 96 percent program allocation, was recognized as the nation’s top environmental nonprofit by two prominent charity watchdog organizations. Charity Navigator, in its Guide to Intelligent Giving, awarded The Conservation Fund its exceptional “four star” rating for exceeding industry standards and outperforming other environmental charities. For the fourth year in a row, the American Institute of Philanthropy gave the Fund its highest  grade for unsurpassed effectiveness and efficiency. In both charity rankings, the Fund earned one of the top scores among the more than 40 environmental nonprofits included.

www.conservationfund.org
Donate online

Never Leave Them Alone

If you leave the toddler alone with her cereal, milk, and watercolor paint set…

PreSchool Fashion

It’s not that I mind if my children go upstairs in their PJ’s and come downstairs in some crazy outfit. If they want to go to school dressed in a tank top and parachute pants that’s fine by me…what is making me batty is the 25 minutes my son is spending picking out his clothes on a daily basis. The long sleeved shirt is too yellow. The pants are not fancy enough. The underwear need to have Lightening McQueen, NOT Mater.

It’s exhausting. He even CRIES if I try and tell him the yellow shirt with the stripes is just fine for school. Cries and insists it’s NOT RIGHT.

25 minutes. 25 minutes and he emerges…

The girl isn’t much better. Her inner fashionista usually involves how to incorporate ELMO into her outfit. If Elmo can’t be incorporated, then his stuffed version must be carried as an accessory. Its harder than you think to get Elmo involved daily.

Can’t I just lay out some clothes every day and be done with it? Does she really HAVE to have the pull-up with ONLY Cinderella and NOT the group of Princesses? Will it really mark a meltdown of Chernobyl proportions?

When did my kids get so picky?

This is that whole, asserting their unique little selves…isn’t it? This gets worse, doesn’t it?

Just wondering, because I’m trying to leave the house and they are fretting over wardrobe. Me? Sweats. T-shirt. So I don’t know where they get it. I swear. Really.

Giggle.

Everybody See This?

A Queen PSA:

(CNN) — The makers of several leading over-the-counter cold medications are voluntarily withdrawing products sold for infants, the Consumer Healthcare Products Association said Thursday.

The over-the-counter cold medications for infants that are being voluntarily withdrawn are:

Dimetapp Decongestant Plus Cough Infant Drops

Dimetapp Decongestant Infant Drops

Little Colds Decongestant Plus Cough

Little Colds Multi-Symptom Cold Formula

Pediacare Infant Drops Decongestant (containing pseudoephedrine)

Pediacare Infant Drops Decongestant & Cough (containing pseudoephedrine)

Pediacare Infant Dropper Decongestant (containing phenylephrine)

Pediacare Infant Dropper Long-Acting Cough

Pediacare Infant Dropper Decongestant & Cough (containing phenylephrine)

Robitussin Infant Cough DM Drops

Triaminic Infant & Toddler Thin Strips Decongestant

Triaminic Infant & Toddler Thin Strips Decongestant Plus Cough

Tylenol Concentrated Infants’ Drops Plus Cold

Tylenol Concentrated Infants’ Drops Plus Cold & Cough

I think I probably overdose my kids. I have a friend who always UNDERdoses because she’s so paranoid. This scares me because I know sometimes you’re so desperate to stop that cough or that runny nose or that miserable baby/kid laying there thing that its really hard. This little “voluntary” recall combined with last months news that cough suppressants don’t even WORK…sigh.

Virtual Nurse-In

…I’m breast friends with the League of Maternal Justice (HBM and Kristen) and taking part in today’s day of action. Behold, the Tit Brigade! I submitted your breastfeeding photos found on the tit brigade to their montage! Hala and I are missing (pout) so I’ll add us to the bottom here…but many of your beautiful, milk-giving ta-tas are there in all their glory!

….a million and ONE dreams

Alright all you NON believers-I finally had a hair-brained idea and it WORKED!

Unlike my last outing with the kids sans help, I now RULE THE PARENTING WORLD and can manage two preschoolers and the Happiest and most crowded place on earth. No leashes. One stroller for about an hour-all while I sipped a latte and read them Chaucer.

Maybe not, but I conquered Disneyland and Disney’s California Adventure, bitches. (hmmm did I just hear a mouse sigh because I said “bitches?” some Disney exec is like…”did she haaaave to say that?”)

We were invited to a “parent blogger” reception by Disneyland Resorts and Maria Bailey. This included tickets to the parks, tickets trick-or-treating, swag-oh the swag. Let me just say when Disney puts on a “reception” they put ON a “reception.” I’m pretty sure my kids thought they were dreaming. This mom thought she was dreaming.

I left the house thinking we *might* make it a few hours and maybe go on a few rides-and if the kids lost it then we’d just come home. Not only did we do BOTH parks ALL day, we did the reception, trick-or-treated through California Adventure, then we spent the night at the Grand Californian.

To say the kids and I had the best day ever is probably an understatement. They were angels. They had that twinkle in their eyes that only comes when you get to kiss Mickey Mouse. They were in aww. They were out of words. They gave me more “Mom moments” than I can count.

Thanks Disney. Next time I get a hair-brained idea to take off with both kids by myself, I’m coming to you.