Kaiser

Cows Make Milk

January 11, 2008 by Queen of Spain 10 Comments

My not-exactly 5-year old loves cows. He sleeps with a stuffed cow named Kaiser (that’s the name he came with, I swear) and begged me to take him to the county fair so he could see cows live and in person.

He likes their teats.

Go ahead-make the “you breastfed him too long” joke or the “a man who knows what he likes” as I’m over it. Whatever the reason, the boy really, really, really is udder obsessed.

Thus began my (and Nana’s) search for a stuffed cow with udders. It’s been a good year of searching, at least. You’d be surprised how many stuffed cows are out there, and how zero of them have udders.

Enter Sim from Utterz.com. I met Sim at Blog World Expo in Vegas and while I was *supposed* to be talking business, I was instead explaining to him how his company’s mascot, Bessie, would make my son the happiest little boy on planet earth.

Time passed.

I continued to use Utterz (if you haven’t yet, go check it out, it’s fun) and exchanged a few emails with Sim here and there.

Then a box arrived at my door, and my son’s world changed forever:

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Kaiser, Queen's Photrade

Ignore that Woman behind the Curtain

January 1, 2008 by Queen of Spain 2 Comments

…we’re tweaking graphics. Sit tight.

Good for us she’s really smart and talented. This guy helped too.

Anyway, if it’s wonky for a few hours, nevermind us and move along.

Filed Under: Kaiser, kill me now, Queenie Backup, Stepford Crazies

Don’t Look At Me

December 16, 2007 by Queen of Spain 17 Comments

…since I’m feeling spunky…

I think I’ll tell you what happened at dinner tonight, only because we’ve been talking about my daughter’s new toy.

My mother called us during dinner. This is nothing new, my mother calls at least three times a day. She asked what we were eating. She asked what the kids were doing at school this week.

So while scarfing down my crab cakes and caesar salad, I told her that this was the kids’ last week of preschool before break and on Friday their holiday-laced preschool lives would culminate in a celebration of Baby Jesus’ birthday. No, really. They do a birthday party for Jesus (as I learned a few years back) as this is the easiest way for the kids’ to understand the meaning of Christmas and it’s complete with a cake and everything.

So, before you start in on me: yes, I did send my kids to a Christian preschool. Mainly because it’s a really good preschool and they are pretty God “light” so we assumed anything they got out of it could easily be tamed at home.

Back to dinner. And the phone call.

Just as the words “baby jesus birthday” fly out of my mouth my 4.5 year old yells “BUT HE’S NOT REAL!”

To which, my always thinking husband GAFFFAWWWFS at very loudly. A very Santa BELLY laugh which has the kid grinning from ear-to-ear and me giggling because it was so crazyily inappropriate and everyone at the table was now laughing.

Yes, my son exclaims that Jesus is NOT real and we all cackle.

My confused mother on speaker phone is going “what? who’s not real? what? what did he say?” and we’re giggling too loudly to hear her.

The Kaiser then tells Count Waffles that is the BEST joke he’s ever told and HIGH FIVE! To which I reply…woah, but that is NOT a joke we’re going to tell at school, ok? They won’t think that’s funny at school. In fact, a lot of people won’t think it’s funny that you don’t think Jesus is real.

To which my smartass kid says “but he’s NOT real.”

To which my husband high fives him again.

To which I roll my eyes and tell my Mom we have to go.

So yeah, go ahead and be offended. This time though, yell at the Kaiser, not me.

p.s. Yes, I’m fully expecting a note home from preschool after Friday’s party.

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Kaiser, kill me now

Jesus, Bills, and a Blood Moon

August 27, 2007 by Queen of Spain 2 Comments

Typical conversation between Queen and Kaiser:

[14:19] JackandHalasMom: red moon tonight

[14:19] AaronatD2: does that mean you want a spanking?

[14:20] AaronatD2: is that code or something?

[14:20] JackandHalasMom: http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/LEmono/TLE2007Aug28/TLE2007Aug28.html

[14:21] AaronatD2: You know, according to Jesus the moon will turn red when he comes back to defeat George Bush..er…the Antichrist.

[14:21] JackandHalasMom: cool

[14:22] JackandHalasMom: let the apocalypse begin!

[14:22] JackandHalasMom: do you think, you know if the end starts, we’d still have to pay bills

[14:22] JackandHalasMom: or would it be a free for all?

[14:22] AaronatD2:Ã‚Â Yeah, we’ll just tell the power company we were raptured.

[14:23] JackandHalasMom: hard to live in a house and not pay the mortgage. I mean, we can CLAIM rapture..but we’d still be using it

[14:23] AaronatD2: right.

[14:24] JackandHalasMom: we have to hope for a major destruction of financial institution, ie the moneychangers

[14:24] AaronatD2: I think Jesus will take them out.

[14:24] AaronatD2: He’s done it before.

[14:24] AaronatD2: and he was only 12 then.

[14:24] AaronatD2: And hadn’t come to realize his full power.

[14:24] JackandHalasMom: lol,kinda like a death star unfinished kinda thing

[14:25] AaronatD2: exactly.

[14:25] JackandHalasMom: that’s fine. so long as I don’t have to pay any bills

Filed Under: Kaiser, Stepford Crazies

What Weekends Are For

May 6, 2007 by Queen of Spain 3 Comments

I realize we are coming up on Mother’s Day, not Father’s Day. And I also realize I spent several paragraphs back there swearing about my son…but…

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Kaiser

NYC

March 23, 2007 by Queen of Spain 11 Comments

So what’s a California girl to do in rainy NYC with NO photo ID???

Go to a Knicks game, of course.

Yes, I’m in New York City for BlogHer Business and I’ve lost my driver’s license. Everyone has been very helpful, not at all bitchy and flippant like the many movies and shows about New York have lead me to believe.

Truth is, the Kaiser has to find all kinds of documentation in our Los Angeles home that then must be faxed to this hotel before I can board my flight back to the West Coast on Saturday. So I’m being really nice to the New Yorkers in the event I’m stuck here forever. Which would be fine. Because the food is really good and the original Macy’s in right down the block.

My mother thinks this is all just a ploy so I can get my stay away from real life extended. I would agree with her, if it weren’t for my son’s birthday. You see, I get home on Saturday…when he turns 4. I have to be there. I MUST be there. I can’t miss my child’s birthday.

Everyone start a Kaiser chant now please…FIND THAT STUFF. FIND THAT STUFF.

Filed Under: Count Waffles, Kaiser

I…uh…umm…

March 8, 2007 by Queen of Spain 13 Comments

Worst. Vacation. Ever.

While our entire cottage pukes, please enjoy this video. Blame the Kaiser

Tell me that’s a joke. Please. Please. please. PLEASE.

Filed Under: Kaiser, kill me now

I would like to thank the Academy

February 24, 2007 by Queen of Spain 20 Comments

******updated******

IT WON IT WON IT WON IT WON IT WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
…in advance.

I know that 24 hours from now, my husband will be able to say he is a digital artist involved in the film that won the 2007 Academy Award for special effects.

I love you Oscar.

Filed Under: Kaiser